Nyx
I stood by the side of the deck, my hand holding one of the ropes tugging the sails. I watched as the sun dove behind the horizon, where the sky and the few clouds traveling slowly were painted in a beautiful shade of red. Another hot day tomorrow, I thought.
We sailed south for about a month and twenty five days, then we turned slightly east. And we sailed in that direction for about three weeks already.
I tried so hard over the days to figure out our exact destination by my own. I had a few ideas, but I still felt frustrated of being uncertain.
If we continued in this direction, there were so many possibilities. And judging from the food we had left, I narrowed it down to five possible destinations, and one of them was Eboa.
I really wish it would be Eboa. I've never been there before, but it's a known big island, surrounded by a couple of small ones. Many merchants like to go there to trade or put their hands on rare items. In fact, my uncle is one of them. He used to visit Eboa once a year. I remember him saying that he was thinking about owning a couple of shops there, something about getting the locals to trust him and favor working with him.
So if I looked around a bit at the port of Eboa or the market, I'm sure people would recognize his name!
The hope gave me a spite of excitement and I kept praying for Eboa to be our next stop.
But I could still be wrong... I have never sailed this far ever before and all my guessings are from what I remember from maps or heard from people who got this far. But if we were sailing to Eboa, we would have gotten there already. We're not exactly following the shortest routes, more like approaching indirectly, like in a circular way. Which is understandable for obvious reasons: Pirates. They don't exactly knock on front doors.
Besides, lately the Martina crew started fishing from time to time. The sea is not very generous in this area, but they're getting enough to maybe last longer without land. I observe them, hating myself for wishing they would catch nothing. But they do, and everyday I try to reevaluate the time left based on the remaining food.
Now, if we were heading to Eboa we should've turned sharper to the East, like, days ago... At this rate we're missing the island and moving further. And the ones in the following area are not exactly protected islands. People live there and everything but there are no guards to keep the order, so they're what we like to call 'The Shadows'. Full of thieves and...... Damn it... full of pirates. Which makes them a much better fit for Martina than Eboa.
So.... If we missed Eboa, I might start praying the food will keep us long enough to reach another guarded area.
I sighed, aware of my own naivety.
"You're praying for land so hard an island will just pop out in the middle of the ocean"
I rolled my eyes to Nash's sarcasm. Of course I made sure he didn't see that. He doesn't exactly need to be provoked. Even silence is enough fuel to warm him up for a seance of mockery.
"I'm not praying"
"Liar"
"I'm just watching the sun set, Nash"
"Oh, that's very romantic!" said Lou while trying but failing at mimicking a woman's voice, after he leaned his heavy body on my shoulder
Nash snorted: "More like very bullshit"
"Aaaalways looking for someone to bully." Yeagar appeared right behind Nash who stepped away instantly. Yeagar smirked at that and his brother Ajax approached from the other side, giving the impression that they were cornering Nash: "Huh! You know him brother, he likes to play with small fish. What does that make you, Nash?"
"The one who'll fucking slit your throats, that's what it makes me!!"
"Ouch"
................. I zoned out of their ranting. It was always like that with Nash. He'd be either picking on me, or menacing Yegar and Ajax, who strangely seem to enjoy being insulted by him.
I had no intention of partying tonight. Sailing into the unknown was getting on my nerves. Don't get me wrong, I love sailing; At first I appreciated just advancing through the waves, never reaching the horizon. But it has been months since I got on Martina and the trip became more stressing by the day. And the truth is... It's not the sailing that frustrates me. It's about my own fate. Where will I end up?......
I wanted to leave for a quieter place. I moved to part from the crazy gathering that started growing, but I felt my right arm being yanked back. I looked back to see Lou's amused stare: "Where are you going?"
None of your damn business.
"Somewhere calm"
"Have you looked around lately? There's nowhere like that on this ship"
I pulled my arm trying in vain to release his grip: "I would like to verify that myself"
"The only quiet place here is the sea. You're not thinking of suiciding again, are you?"
He said that in an amused way and I tried to defend myself: "I never did such thing!!" Seeing how he was insistant to tease my nerves, I continued in a calm confident voice: "Would you mind releasing me?"
I was glaring at him, but that was just the thing that entertains Lou the most. He leaned closer and said in a low voice: "You want to know where we're heading, right? Want me to tell you?"
My eyes widened for a second to the idea, but I instantly hid my excitement. Lou was one of the most obedient to Agenor and informing ME of our destination had somehow fallen under the cover of defying the Captain. He's just playing with me and for once I'm not falling for it.
"Save it. I already know that"
I tried my best to look calm and composed, and apparently it worked because his smirk fell and his eyes narrowed: "Oh yeah? Who told you??"
It was my turn to smirk now and I savored the moment. I just loved these rare times when I felt like I won over their teasing.
He studied me for a few seconds, then his eyebrows arched and he dared me: "Or maybe you're just lying"
I opened my mouth to find a smart response to that. Luckily, a thud on the edge of the deck right beside us got Lou startled. He let go of my arm and looked to his left to see Maren who just landed there.
"Whaaaat'ch you're doing?"
Maren released the rope that he just used to swing and he crouched on the edge of the deck with a big smile on his face.
"Maren, please be careful-"
"FUCK windy!!! I've warned you not to Fucking fly above my head again!!"
Maren rolled his eyes and I laughed a little at that. He always managed to avoid everyone's teasing even though he was the youngest AND not very strong compared to pirates like Lou or Nash. Not even Ace could intimidate him, and I so admired that.
I retreated. I didn't really want to spend the evening with the drunken pirates. Lately they became a bit more aggressive about things. Maybe I'm the only one who noticed, but the eagerness for the land makes them quite impatient and mean.
I walked down the ladder to the hull. I strolled to the water room and drank some water, then I stepped into the hall and looked around. Agenor is not here, I guess. Which means that he's in the lower hull ordering people around. Or more precisely laying back watching Ace as he ordered people around. I smiled at the thought. What a lazy devil.
I walked back to the deck and into Agenor's cabin. I'll wait for him here. It's not like I'm allowed down the hull with them. But it's fine. I don't care if I'm not allowed to walk everywhere or know about things like our next land. The important thing is that now I'm living way better than the day I first walked on that deck. I'm much more comfortable with my work and the pirates. Things can't go backwards now. Right?
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next day started like any regular day on Martina. After lunch, Maren walked into the galley.
"Tiiiired. Booooored"
"Haven't seen you at lunch today, Maren"
"And SO SO HYNGRYYYY!! Please tell me there's something left for me?" He tilted his head and I smiled and his hopeful puppy eyes
"Of course. I put it in the storage room for you."
"Weeeey!!!" He jumped and was in the storage room in a second.
"So.... No land yet, huh" I bit my tongue as soon as that came out of my mouth. Damn it, Ace told me I should stop asking such things. I was about to hope Maren didn't hear me when he answered, obviously with a mouth full of food
"Nope, still nothing. I was told we were gonna be there like, this morning. I even missed lunch. Fuck, I hoped I'd get to have real meat for lunch, but I guess that won't be happening today"
My heart actually raced at 'this morning'... We're that close? Maybe, just maybe, my calculations were wrong and we did not miss Eboa after all! What if....
I turned to find Maren yawning and stretching his arms: "I didn't sleep since yesterday. Me Gods, with that sun, it's starting to give me a headache"
Right, he spent all night watching the sea from up the mast again. Everyone says that he's a brat, that he doesn't do shores well... But he actually takes his work very seriously. I mean, he must have quite the strong will and patience to stay awake, alone, in the dark all night, and that is almost every night for several months! I don't think I could have such perseverance if it was me.
I handed him a cup of water: "Why don't you take some rest"
"Can't, someone needs to look out for other ships. The more we get close to land the more we could bump into someone, you know?"
"Oh... Well, you still need a break. Why not ask Ace to get someone else to take your place?"
"Those fucktards will just start drinking... they're so stupid" I smiled to his sense of responsibility. I always felt that Maren took big proud in his crow's nest. He went to drink and my smile fell when he glared at me: "Water, really?? Who the hell serves water?"
"What did you want to have, beer??"
"Well, YEAH!"
"Just drink Maren, it will help with your headache"
"Why, is there an island in the cup??? My headache will only go if we get to land. I'm sick of smelling man butts." His shoulders slumped and he tilted his head back to whine like a child: "I want a woman's butt.."
"You don't have to be rude, just go sleep a little" I pushed him out of the galley and he continued down to the second lowest level of the hull, most probably to to find somewhere relatively calm to sleep.
As for me, I had to stay away from the walking pirates; Everyone was cranky and looking for a fight. I climbed the shrouds and took Maren's place. It was truly nice from up here. The Martina definitely looked less scary because everyone walked around the deck without even noticing me looking from above. They were all busy, even Baril. Which is why he left me to clean the galley alone after lunch while he helped prepare things. What things? Everything. Barrels, wooden boxes, weapons... They were moving everything here and there.
I should probably go help, or I might just stay here. In this much calmer level, where it felt relaxing and closer to the sky. No wonder Maren loves staying here.
I kept watching the sea, turning every while to watch out for other ship that might spot us from other angles, like Maren said. And I don't know how long it took before it finally happened.
In the distant horizon, a strange shaped cloud appeared. I gazed at it unbelievingly, until I was certain that I wasn't dreaming: Land. Land!!!!!!!!
I jumped out of the crow’s nest and almost fell as I forgot that I was still far above the deck. I climbed down the shrouds clumsily and ran into the hull. I was happy. Sincerely happy! I wanted to yell and tell, but it felt unfair to Maren who put so much effort into this. So I climbed down to the second level of the hull, wishing to find him somewhere here because, well, I didn't have the right to go any lower in the ship.
Luckily I found Maren laying on the floor at the side of a room. I called his name, making sure not to wake the couple of others that looked asleep around the room. When he didn't answer I kneeled and called him again. This time he moaned in an irritating way: "nnnnnn... Go away Ace"
Ace??
We don't have time for this. I leaned closer to his ear and said the one word I knew would wake him up: "Land"
His reponse was more immediate than I thought. His eyes flew open and he sat up abruptly sending me to fall back on my ass.
"When, what?... Land, did you say land?"
I got up and nodded at him with a smile. He shot to his legs and was already running out of the door in a second. I followed behind watching how he made his way by pushing some pirates away and earning some snarls for that. When I reached the deck, Maren was already up there, looking through his monoculars. His smile grew wider and he yelled what sent everyone to halt: "LAAAAAAND!!!"
The cheering, the pirates hurrying to the deck to check by their own eyes, the smiles and sighs, it all made me excited and even more happy.
"Celiaaaaa!! Your dickhead is back to fuck you, me whore!!" AAAnd that was J, getting all... 'romantic'
"Finally" Lou said calmly, he looked relieved but not by much. I guess being used to this event makes some pirates immune to the beautiful sight of an approaching island.
I felt a familiar hand settle on my right shoulder. I looked around to find Agenor standing on my left, his hand still holding me close. He looked satisfied but not the least surprised. Of course he wasn't, he knew exactly when this moment would come. They all knew.
He looked at all the excited eyes around us: "Avast ye! Be ready freebooters, we'll be having dinner on land tonight"
The cheers grew stronger and higher. All the troublesome moods were wiped in a second. Some were even whistling and jumping. I wanted to step back to give them more space to stomp around and lean on the edge of the deck to watch the approaching island. I felt Agenor squeezing a little on my shoulder so I turned to look at him. His eyes had a hint of doubt that surprised me. I tried to read him as to why his gaze didn't look happy like when he was talking to his crew, but he looked away from me.
"I guess we'll be skipping our training for today" Ace said to me and I nodded. We've fenced almost every day now, and that was one of the best times of the day.
"Alright," Ace ordered, totally unphased by all of this, "Heave ho everyone, we got two hours to get all the crap on the deck or you will be missing dinner. Bring everything we need to sell or fill in the deck, only then you can go get your duffles"
Ok. Most of that reached my ears like a foreign language, but seeing how everyone got back to work with more strength summed it up for me.
Agenor led me to the forecastle with him, where he lighted a cigarette and started blowing the smokes free. I was about to go do what Ace ordered us, but I had one last detail to deal with.
"Agenor, where........ are we?"
I finally did it. I asked the forbidden question, and my mind hustled with prayers: Eboa.... It has to be... It IS, yes, it is Eboa....
He was silent for a moment. One that seemed too long for me. I knew him enough to be sure that he was doing it on purpose, keeping me waiting while he thought about things, or maybe just for the fun of it.
He took a deep breath of fumes then finally answered: "Esme"
And for a second I wished I hadn't asked.
Esme? We have reached Esme already???
Esme. One of the Shadows. The refuge of all outcasts, and the heaven lands for bounty hunters.
I looked at the island that I waited so long to meet: "It can't be... We were supposed to go to Eboa...."
I didn't even know I said that out loud until he smirked at me: "Eboa? Why the hell would we go to Eboa?"
"It's not far from here!"
"True. But Eboa is heavily guarded, especially this time of year. Besides, Esme is as interesting as Eboa, only more suited for our kind"
Noticing my silence, he walked to tower over me. His eyes narrowed as he studied my face: "What is it, was Eboa more to your liking, Nyx?"
YES!! A thousand times YES!!!
I shook my head vigorously: "No, it's just.... Esme is one of the Shadows... it's quite dangerous"
His face softened and I breathed to that: "WE are one of the main reasons why Esme is called like that, so don't worry about such things Nyx. You're part of the Martina now, remember?"
I nodded slowly and watched the island reveil green mountains and forests.
So what if it's one of the Shadows? It's still an island. We'd still be able to rest and walk on a waveless ground. I don't think my father or my unckle's name would ring a bell around here. But I'm not going to think about such depressing thoughts. I'm going to enjoy stepping on land and........ well, hope not to meet 'new' people.
Despite the slight fear, I still felt happy, and the excitement sneaked back to settle inside me.
"I should go help the others"
"Wait...."
I halted, but before Agenor could continue, the forecastle was invaded. Everyone was following Pin who held a bouquet of straws.
"Captain, shall we?"
Agenor looked a bit irritated at being interrupted, but he nodded anyway, and everyone stepped forward to Pin who snarled at them: "Step back or I'll gut your balls!!"
My eyes widened at the threat: "What's going on?"
Ajax rubbed his hands together in excitement and answered me: "This is it baby! This is the time we decide who's going to land and who's staying on the ship"
Ace continued explaining: "We need to keep the ship guarded, so we always leave a small team behind. That team will only leave the ship in three days and the next unlucky bunch will take over"
"So? Who wants to pay for the first draw??" Pin looked around him at the hesitant eyes.
"What difference does it make?"
I wanted to swallow my question back when Pin glared at me: "What difference you ask?? IT MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE OF THE WORLD!!"
J pulled a coin and put it jokingly on Pin's head, who immediately turned his glare at him and caught the coin before it fell: "The first to draw gets all the luck there is!" J said, then he wiggled his big fingers and blew on them, for.... luck, I guess?
I wanted to tell him that the odds weren't going to be better just because he's choosing first, but I kept my mouth shut. And I watched like everyone, as he pulled one of the straws.
And as soon as he did everyone busted laughing. I didn't need to ask to know if he was lucky or not, because he dropped on his knees and released a sky breaking dramatic "Nooooo...."
I actually couldn't stop laughing, and everyone took their time to tease him and remind him that he won't be able to 'smell pussy' (their words) for three more days.
Seeing how Agenor and Ace were the only ones laying back, I figured they weren't obliged by this risky game. I, on the other hand, did not stand back like I usually do. I stepped forward, trying to get my chance, just like everyone else. I was at advantage since Pin was close to Agenor and so was I, but I still ended up being pushed back. Well, at least I tried, right?
It was Pin's job to point who will draw next, and everyone needs to witness his share of luck. After the very few more who paid, Pin pushed the bouquet at me: "Your turn punch-boy"
"I... I don't have money"
"I know, but the Captain likes you, so you get to draw before these fuckers for free"
I frankly was surprised by the sudden generosity that was very unknown to Pin. But I didn't waste time, so I pulled a straw before he could change his mind.
I followed the ritual and lifted my luck for everyone to see: "Is... this good?"
Maren was on my side in a second: "Wohoooow! Two words mate: Lola and Trixie"
Some around us nodded, and Nash clarified: "His whore friends"
My eyes widened; Yes, Maren IS trying to set me up with..... women!
"No thanks, I'll pass"
"You can't pass mate! You'll see, those two will do anything," and he lowered his voice seductively: "and I mean ANY. THING. you ask. And since you're my friend, I'll get them to do you for a lower cost"
He winked at me and I couldn't even find the words to answer him. He didn't wait for my opinion anyway as he stepped before me and closer to Pin: "Alraight! My turn. Nyx brought the Goddess of luck, better do this before she goes back to drinking with some old sailors somewhere"
The bouquet started getting lighter and many kept congratulating me and saying things like: "Heavens are on your side", or "If lucky the first time, then lucky forever"... I knew it was silly, but the impressionable me couldn't help feel more excited about this whole thing.
And the straws were almost finished when my eyes locked on Agenor. I was smiling, but he was far from it. It was almost like he was glaring at me. Did I do something wrong?
I decided not to think about that right now and try to be happy with my lucky straw like most of the pirates around me. But the so called 'Goddess of luck' didn't stick by my side after all.
"You're not going"
The order was calm. Simple. It descended like heavenly fate for everyone to obey.
I wondered who he was talking about, until I saw all eyes on me. Wait, ME???
"Excuse me?"
"You will be staying on Martina"
I smiled a bit uncomfortably, trying to convince myself that he was joking. But of course he wasn't. Agenor never joked like that, and the silence that invaded the deck confirmed it.
I opened my hand for him to see my straw: "I picked a long straw. I won my right to-"
"You're not going on Esme"
His eyes looked cold and merciless, making me stop and fail to formulate a protest. That was an order as clear as the day. I was not to defy a direct order.
At the corner of my eyes, I saw someone push the crowd to stand closer to me. I thought someone have stepped in to defend me. In the end the person just reached for the straw in my hand: "I guess you won't be needing that now"
I yanked my hand protecting the straw: "Get your hands off me!"
The pirate glared at me as if I grew a second head, then he decided against making something out of this, and he retreated after glancing quickly to his Captain.
WHAT THE HELL??? My breathing got heavier and I felt anger filling my head, which didn't really help my confusion at all.
I followed Ace and everyone as they got back to their work. I helped move empty barrels and boxes that we were going to fill with water or food. Everyone was happy, whistling and laughing. I felt the desire to join their laughs, but apparently I didn't have the right to. And I didn't even know the reason.
And to top it all, the pirates were now avoiding me like the plague, probably scared they'd get stuck with me. No one was talking to me anymore. And as I moved around carrying things to the deck, I never felt more transparent. So ironic, earlier when I was on the mast I appreciated not being seen, but now that I got my wish, it felt horrible and lonely...
I stood in the storage room. It was much emptier than usual with most of the heavy stuff moved out. Maybe I should just keep myself busy by cleaning here, bury myself in work. But I didn't want to work. I didn't want to feel the waves right now. I wanted to be with everyone........ with Agenor.
"Pssssst! Hey, what happened there mate?"
"You tell me, Maren? You were there! You're always watching everything. Did I do something wrong??"
He looked as confused as I was. My God, I couldn't stoop lower; not only I can't deal with my own shit on my own, I'm actually making a 15 year old worry about me.
"Look, maybe the Captain heard something or misunderstood something. What I'm sure of is that he likes you, and he also likes to award people who work hard. So don't give up mate, just keep working and he'll see that"
I thought seriously about what he said, and before I knew it, he gave me a quick salute and left.
I swallowed my nervousness and encouraged myself to go back to work with everyone. It was useless to give up so easily and hide, I better do as Maren said and keep working hard.
Which wasn't easy to do. My mind was so distracted and I always worked my best, so now I was overworking myself to exhaustion and all it took was one hour for me to feel strenghtless.
I saw some pirates take a few things out of the cabin. And like I thought, Agenor was there ordering them. I stepped closer when Agenor walked out while putting on his leather jacket, not even sparing me a glance.
I stepped before him making him halt to stare at me. Coldness crept inside me at the sight of his emotionless eyes. Why would he look at me like that?
"Agenor, did I do something wrong? If I did just tell me already, I'm sure it's a misunderstanding-"
"My order is final. You are not going-"
"NO!!" His glare intensified at my sudden outburst, but I'm not the one at fault, am I???
"I have worked hard for this! I followed all the rules and I even won my right to go on land", I showed him the straw, "I did so by the pirate code. I'm part of the crew and I deserve-"
He closed the distance between glaring at me dangerously, and I just noticed how angrier he had gotten in just few seconds.
"Are you fucking disobeying my direct order, Nyx??"
"N.....no I just..."
I took a step back, but he caught my arm and dragged me to the cabin. Once inside, he whirled me around so I was facing him, and I almost lost my balance if not for his tight grip.
"Now listen to me Nyx. YOU ARE TO OBEY ME! If I hear that you did as much as step outside this room, I'll make sure you regret it, is that clear??"
I blinked in confusion to his unjustified anger towards me.
"So what will it be Nyx? Will you obey, or should I get the chain?"
My eyes widened at the threat and I shook my head pleadingly. My God, not the chain! Not again...
"Good." He released me by pushing me back. I fell back, and when I managed to look back at him I could swear I saw sadness in his eyes. But I couldn't be sure of it because he immediately grabbed his sword and left after shutting the door behind him with a loud thud.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
It wasn't long before the commotion disappeared. The crew left the ship except for the few unlucky ones. Time went by very slowly. Agonizingly slowly. So much for 'mate', or 'friend', or 'crewmember'. When it was time for the truth, I am nothing but an outsider. An ex-rich man who owns nothing anymore. I'm not even sure I'm still worth something back home. What if my uncle took over our business and did better than I? I felt horrible as I yearned to hope for my family's business to go bad without me. Maybe that would make people forget me less... I'm certain my family misses me. If there were guards searching for me, I'm sure they would have given up already. They think I left willingly, leaving nothing but a letter behind. Who would look for such a thoughtless person?
And my cousin Haven, he sure got back from his last trip to find me gone. I wonder what he brought me this time? He always got me presents, at least two. It was a tradition he followed since he started helping his father in business and going to trade trips. Always two presents: a souvenir and a book. I had two shelves full of Haven's books. A couple were in a foreign language, a joke he made to show me that I wasn't the smartest. He seemed to think I was, I never did. He just looked up to me since I am almost a year older than him. Since I'm not there, would he keep the book? Or maybe gift it to someone else....
I love books. I miss books...
I sat on the floor by the wall. The silence around me felt like the worst punishment. As much as I like to believe that I liked privacy, I got used to those pirate's ranting. But I guess I didn't make much impression on them; as soon as 'luck left my side' they were avoiding me, and I was left behind without as much as a small goodbye. What the hell was I expecting? They can't go against their Captain! And why would they defend me, it's not like they actually considered me one of theirs....
So after all, I am still the pathetic useless me. Either on the top of the business or the bottom, I still find myself alone in the end.
But this time it was different that before. It didn't feel the same as when my father passed away. This wasn't like the time my mother got married saying that we 'needed a man to stand by the family', as if I wasn't enough... This is different than the time I sent Raya in the decorated carriage to start a new life with her husband... This is far more than when Haven, my best friend, left for the first time to sail with his father, my uncle, and learn about their business. No matter how many times he insisted I'd go with him, and as much as I wanted to, I couldn't just leave my responsibilities behind and sail.
This time was different because loving someone makes you think less about unhappiness. Just being there with the one who fills the void in your heart, it sedates your mind to anything... anything but love. It makes you stronger and gives you a reason to be.
I sincerely thought the winds had changed for me.
I looked at my right to were the door was, and the scene of Agenor leaving tore through me. Of course, I tried to rationalize this, and the only explanation I came up with was the most hurtful.
He didn't want me on land with him...
The thought of the only person that I truly loved with all my being, casting me away so easily...
My mind started suggesting a thousand reasons: From him wanting to protect me seeing how scared I was from Esme, all to the fact that he was bored of my company. And guess which one stuck more to my head?
My heart ached as I realized that since two days ago, he hadn't kissed me not even once. He was always lost in thoughts about something...... Maybe he was just like everyone else, thinking about the women on the island........
The more that single thought replayed in my head, the more I felt stinginess at the back of my eyes.
Women..... such beautiful creatures... Who would have thought that someday I'd feel threatened by them...
I started shaking as images of Agenor smiling at another woman tore my heart. And as if I could handle more torment, my mind suggested the image of several beautiful ladies I knew back home, in their colorful party gowns, attractive looks, and shining lipsticks. My sick mind showed Agenor, standing charmingly in beautiful clothes, extending his hand to one of them for a dance.
My hands clenched in my hair and I buried my head down between my elbows, trying to just stop my brain from functioning...
No wonder he got bored of me... He said repeatedly how beautiful I was, but maybe that was only because he didn't have real beauty at reach. But now.........
My God, please no! I can't do this.. I can't live like this......
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Author note:
I wanted to apologize for taking so long to update. Usually it's because I'm too busy or have troubles with my research but this time was different, I was too tired and depressed to write.
That's what happens when one day you get the crazy idea of looking for your high school crush and find him on FB with one and one pic only; him with his beautiful soul mate. Yup, it's officially not a good idea to dig into the past
And when I try to brush depressing lonely thoughts away, it only gets worse when you're waiting in a line of the university's administration and guess who's right there in the same line as you? The girl who used to bully me for years at school. Smiling and making small talk like nothing ever happened. Like I was never a nerd and she never the popular girl that didn't think twice about making me a joke for everyone to laugh at. BUT IT'S OK!!! I'm used to dealing with this. My God, my daily bullying at school career started when I was 5, can you believe that? 5!!!! In the fucking kindergarten!!!
Oh no, it gets worse! See, in movies and stories they like to make you believe that being bullied will be ok one day, like you'll just forget about it and move on. you will turn out ok because you weren't in the wrong and the bully will be punished by life for his evil deeds. So why is she here to get her diploma while I'm still stuck for at least a year and a half more on my project, fighting the university over the documents that I submitted on time and that they lost, causing me to lose 4 months of studying overseas???
So right now my state of mind can be described in one sentence, I remember that character from the series Archer saying it when he was fed up with things around him:
"Eat a dick jungle!!!"