When the doorbell rang, Davina almost choked on her orange juice. Two days had passed since she arrived back home and no one had come to burst the door down like she was expecting so when the thought settled down that morning, as expected, it came back when she heard that familiar chime. Her stomach bubbled as she stared at the front door from the kitchen, terrified to even walk towards it.
Finn found me. He's here to kill me.
Her mother ran down the stairs in a hurry, gathering her hair together to tie it into a ponytail. She had been getting ready to go to the supermarket and by the way she was dressed, in her usual tee shirt and leggings (she considered grocery shopping as a workout), she was about to be on her way. Not noticing Davina's presence in the kitchen, beaming at her every move like a tiger does its prey, she glanced into the peephole before opening the door. Davina couldn't see who was on the other side because her mother was blocking the view. "Hi, can I help you?"
"Uh, yeah, um," the person muttered and immediately Davina's heart skipped a beat, "I'm Reese. I don't know if Davina has told you about me but-"
"You're Reese?" her mother interrupted, of course she did, she always had a habit of cutting people off mid-sentence without meaning to. "Davina has told me so much about you."
"Really?"
"Yes! She absolutely adores you."
For God sakes, Mom.
"I'm assuming you heard about what happened," her mother said in a hushed tone after a small silence which Davina could've guessed was filled with Reese opening and shutting her mouth, trying to not make a comment that would have given a horrible first impression.
"Yeah...she hasn't been answering my texts and I got really worried. I'm sorry if me showing up is a burden but I had to come and see how she's doing."
"It's not a burden at all. Come in," she scooted to the side to let Reese enter before shutting the door behind them. "Davina! You have a visitor!" She turned around and noticed her daughter standing beside the refrigerator with a horrific pale face. "Dear God, Davina, I didn't see you there. Sorry for yelling." When Davina failed to reply, her eyes fixated on Reese who had been standing awkwardly off to the side, her mother quickly grabbed her purse and keys from the island that was in the middle of the kitchen. "I'm gonna head on out. Text me if you need anything."
The tension in the air was suffocating. So many different emotions were piling on Davina's heart as she continued to stare at Reese. Those familiar butterflies in her stomach were there, tickling every inch of her skin. It was how Reese always made her feel but she also carried guilt buried deep in her chest; she regretted the fact she never attempted to reply to the hundreds of worried text messages. Then there was the humiliation. The pin that all the red strings of feelings were connected to; she was raped. Everyone knew and it would be the first thing they think of each time they lay eyes on her.
Reese managed to be the first to speak after a long, dreadful minute of silence. "I had to talk to the police yesterday."
"You did?"
"Yeah," she said as she slowly walked into the kitchen and now that they were closer, Davina saw how exhausted the girl appeared with her slightly thinner frame and the heavy purple bags below her dull eyes. Reese stood on the opposite side of the island so that they were face to face and she placed both palms on the surface anxiously. Davina wondered why she looked so...miserable. "I kept asking Miss Falls for your address after you left but she refused to and wouldn't tell me why you were gone. Then when the police told me about what he did to you, I literally got on my knees and begged her so I could see you."
"I'm sorry."
"What are you sorry for?"
"For not answering your texts."
A weak smile stretched across Reese's lips, shaking her head gently. "You don't need to be sorry. I was just really worried about you, you know? The cops came to camp and took Finn that night, you were gone, the camp was shut down until further notice, and Miss Falls wasn't telling me anything so I couldn't really focus on anything but you." Hanging her head low, she took a loud and shaky breath. "Davina, I'm so, so sorry."
Comforting someone in a vulnerable moment was not something Davina aced at. The only other time Reese had shown any type of emotion that wasn't happy was when talking about her family and all Davina did was ask to smoke a blunt for the first time which immediately gave Reese something else to focus on. But this wasn't something that could be avoided.
She knew her rape didn't only affect her. Her parents expressed guilt of letting her go to Camp Roslyn so willingly but Davina had to constantly remind them that it had nothing to do with what happened to her. Then there were the times when she'd hear her mother cry behind closed doors; that's what stung her chest the most. Just knowing her mother went through the same thing that was only spoken of once was utterly heartbreaking.
"You have nothing to be sorry for."
"If I didn't leave you, he wouldn't have-"
"He would've just done it another time."
Reese rubbed her face with both hands. "Fuck, I'm sorry."
"Stop being sorry. You didn't do anything," Davina snapped, shocking herself by her tone of voice. She wasn't angry with Reese, she was just angry in general. "You and my parents keep saying, 'if I did this' or 'if I did that'. Yeah, if my parents didn't let me go to Camp Roslyn, Finn wouldn't have raped me. If you stayed with me that night, Finn wouldn't have raped me then but you know what? He was just going to do it another time. It's not your fault. It's mine."
"Wait what? You think it's your fault?"
"Of course it's my fault!" Davina exclaimed, slamming her drink on the counter, causing pieces of glass and juice to sprawl across the surface. The sudden rush of adrenaline steamed out of her body when she felt pieces of glass pinched her hand. With a gasp, she jumped but immediately winced when the quick movement provoked the glass to shift in her hand.
Reese rushed to Davina's side before leading her to the dining room, cursing under her breath at the change of events. Sitting the tan girl in one of the chairs at the dinner table, she asked where a pair of tweezers and medical supplies were. Embarrassed, Davina quietly gave directions to the materials and sunk into the chair once Reese left the room.
Why the hell did I say that out loud? God, I'm such an idiot. Maybe she forgot I said it and won't ask about it. Yeah, right, it's Reese. Of course she's going to want to talk about it.
"I need you to stay still when I pull the glass out, okay?" the tall girl instructed when coming back with a pair of tweezers, a paper towel, disinfectant cream, and a box of bandaids. She sat down in the chair beside Davina, gently taking the girl's hand before plucking out the pieces of glass with the tweezers.
Tension filled the air again but this time, it was less sufferable. Instead of staring each other down, both girls were focused on Davina's hand. Reese carefully patted away the remaining blood with the paper towel while Davina watched like it was the most fascinating thing she had ever seen.
She's almost done. She's going to start talking about it again any minute.
"Stop spiraling."
"I'm not spiraling."
"I can literally feel it. Your hand is all tense."
"It's probably because there was just glass in it."
"And because you're spiraling."
It was quiet again. After applying the disinfectant cream on each small slit, Reese stuck bandaids all over the wounds. Without a word, she regathered the supplies and put everything back in their rightful places. Unsure what to do or what to say, Davina stayed in place and stared at her bandaged hand laying across the table. She knew when Reese came back, she was going to have to actually talk about this. Reese was not the type of person to back down, she would get something out of Davina eventually and Davina knew that, she just didn't want to say the things she'd been thinking for the past few days.
"Why do you think it's your fault?" the tall girl asked without any lead-up. It was normal for her to just get straight to the point but with this, Davina expected hesitation, similar to how her parents had been acting. Reese sat back down, clasping her hands in her lap and waited patiently for Davina's answer like how a therapist would; a gentle smile and encouraging eyes that had a glimpse of curiosity.
"I don't know."
"You do know, you just don't want to say it."
It happens again; she can say anything except for what she actually wants. The words mockingly dance on her tongue, taunting her. Her mouth opened and shut repeatedly, attempting to confess but it was useless. Reese pulled her phone from the back pocket of her jeans and opened the Notes App. She placed it on the table and slid it towards Davina. "Type it out." With one hand, Davina managed to create a list of reasons.
If I just agreed to go out with him.
If I didn't let him in my room.
If I screamed louder.
If I fought him off harder.
If I didn't freeze up.
"Would you blame someone for being raped? Because of things they did or didn't do?"
"What? Of course not."
"Why not?"
"Because it's not their fault."
"And it's not yours'."
A lump formed in Davina's throat as she finally took her eyes from her hand. Her eyes burned, trying to fight off the tears that were beginning to stream down her cheeks. "I tried to stop him at first but," her voice cracked, "but my body just froze...it felt like I left my body and I was watching it like it actually wasn't happening to me. And he threatened to kill me if I told anyone so I've been terrified of everything. Every noise, every time I get a text, even when you knocked on the door I thought he somehow found me."
The tips of Reese's fingers graze the table, trying to replace the constant bouncing of her knee. "He's never going to come near you again. Everyone telling the cops what a creep he was is enough evidence to throw his ass in jail."
"Being a creep isn't enough to be put in jail. You're still here," Davina smirked lightly. Everything felt too weighty, too gloomy and sad. She couldn't stand being serious with Reese for too long, it didn't feel right. Reese was the person who made you smile with a stupid joke, having such a heavy conversation with her was odd.
It was obvious the small joke brightened the horrifyingly dark room because a wide grin spread across the tall girl's lips as well as a loud chuckle. "Davi! That is the worst thing you have ever said to me."
"I don't know if that's true," Davina laughed, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. The boiling heat from their dark conversation was fading from her cheeks, allowing her to relax. Once their giggling calmed, she settled her eyes on Reese's fingers as she nervously asked, "can we not talk about this anymore? I don't want to think about it."
With a gentle nod, Reese glanced at towards the front door. "Of course. I guess I'll leave now since I know you're not dead," she said with an anxious laugh, slowly standing from her chair and pushing it back against the dinner table.
"You don't have to. You can stay for a while if you want."
"Then I guess I'm staying."
-
"How do you even know how to get there? You don't live here," Davina huffed, sinking into the passenger seat. After a few hours of watching movies in the living room, Reese's interest in what was on the screen declined. In the middle of the second film, she started drumming her fingers obnoxiously against the arm of the couch and she began talking over the dialogue. Then before Davina played the third movie, Reese jumped off the couch and demanded they go out.
"I passed it on the way," Reese shrugged, turning into the town's local bowling alley.
"We could have just stayed at my house and found something else to do."
Pulling into a parking spot and putting the car in park, the tall girl leaned back into the driver's seat and turned her head towards Davina. "Davi, you haven't left your house in like, three days. It's not healthy to stay cooped up. Plus, bowling is fun! We get to wear shoes other people have worn and roll balls on the floor."
"Can you not say it like that?"
"Come on. I'll buy you overpriced chicken tenders."
After what felt like an hour of convincing, Reese managed to get Davina out of the car and into the bowling alley. Immediate discomfort grew on the tan girl's face as she noticed the number of people inside. Deep down, she knew Reese was right, that she needed to get out of the house before she became an Agoraphobic (someone who is terrified of leaving their familiar environment, like their home). Her mother warned her about the anxiety disorder several times throughout her life, telling her if she didn't go out into the world, she would be isolated forever. The exaggerating guidance definitely was not the right way to encourage her to face her fear but it did lead Davina to get a job at Camp Rosyln. But now with everything that happened, however, Davina wouldn't mind being isolated forever.
She clung to Reese's side when they waited in line to pay and to rent their shoes, when they walked to their lane and set up their scoreboard, and when they picked out their bowling balls. Reese found an orange ball that was way too heavy for her but she loved the color so much, she didn't care about the weight. Davina grabbed the nearest ball that she was able to carry without a single thought, wanting to get away from the crowds of people around them.
"You've ever been here, Davi?" the tall girl asked as she placed her orange ball on the bowling ball hood, setting Davina's blue one down as well. She plopped into the dirty grey, plastic chair in front of Davina while kicking her shoes off to the side.
Bringing one knee to her chest and carefully untying her shoelaces, Davina sighed softly. "Yeah. My parents and I used to come here all the time when I was in middle school."
Reese stomped her feet into the used bowling shoes, her obnoxious movements gaining the attention of the people in the lanes beside them. "Really? That's pretty cool. Why'd you stop going?"
"My parents got busy," she shrugged, "I was dealing with my own shit and I was too exhausted to want to keep going so we...just stopped."
Nodding understandingly, Reese stood up and brushed down her jeans. "Now, I just wanna warn you, the Fried Reese's Pieces is pretty much the best bowler around. I hope you don't mind losing."
"Well, the Fried Reese's Pieces hasn't seen Davina the Patina bowl yet so she shouldn't get too cocky," Davina smirked, shining light to the other nickname Reese had given her when they first met. She wanted to treat this as any typical day between them; the casual teasing, bickering and flirting. She needed to be normal, even if it was for an hour or two.
Time flew by quicker than expected, one game of bowling turning into three with an extra hour of just sitting to have lunch (Reese lived up to her promise by purchasing expensive chicken tenders). Throughout those few hours, Davina was able to completely distance herself from her agonizing reality.
"So, I've been wondering, how did you and Jamie meet? It seems like she always has the urge to just strangle you so I feel like she might've been forced to be your friend." Davina chuckled. They stayed at their table after lunch, occasionally reaching to grab a chicken tender or a fry to only realize the food was gone and saying that they'd get more but never doing so.
"I'm going to ignore the insult because you bought lunch and I'm a grateful lady," the tall girl said, leaning back in her seat to properly stretch her arms. They'd been sitting for a good hour so far, resulting in her body growing stiff. "We actually met at Camp Roslyn when we were fifteen. We were put in the same group and she absolutely hated me. She was pretty stuck up back then—you know how I am—she just couldn't stand me. But at lunch during the first week, she brought a Harry Potter coloring book and these really fancy markers. I loved Harry Potter so of course I asked if I could color with her and surprisingly she said yes. We got to talking and realized we had a lot of stuff in common and we ended up spending the entire summer together. Ever since then, we've been best friends and she still can't stand me, but she puts up with my shit."
Despite adoring the sweet story of the beginning of Reese and Jamie's friendship, Davina couldn't help but feel jealously weighing down on her heart. Throughout her eighteen years of life, she only had one best friend; Kelsey. Their friendship blossomed when they were sat next to each other on the first day of fifth grade. Of course, Davina was the small shy girl who rarely spoke unless spoken to, however, so was Kelsey. A special connection sparked between them when Davina was brave enough compliment Kelsey on her neon green backpack. For the next four years, they were attached at the hip until high school snuck up on them and forced the two to drift apart. While Kelsey found a way to rip herself from her and Davina's cocoon life and become a social butterfly, Davina remained tucked tight away from the world. She wished she had such a strong bond with someone like Reese and Jamie did. Sure, she had Reese but Reese was her girlfriend, not just a friend.
Reese checked the time on her phone. "Well, it's one o'clock. Want to head out?"
"Yeah, I just need to go to the bathroom first," she smiled, standing from seat as she collected their trash from the table. Reese stopped her, offering to clean up and Davina's bladder felt as if it were going to explode so she didn't bother refusing.
There was a little pep in Davina's step as she strolled towards the restroom. For the first time in days, she was genuinely happy. It was as if everything just floated away.
But then she saw him.
Or what she thought was him.
And remembered everything.
Recollections of that night struck her mind like a million fireworks setting off at once as she stared at the boy who appeared to look like Finn. Although the relief of realizing that it wasn't Finn clicked in her mind, it didn't inform the rest of her body. Her throat clenched, recalling his hands squeezing the life out of her. Water formed in the corners of her eyes, remembering how she stared at the ceiling as hot tears slid down her face. The loud voices of other boy's in the building made her flinch, still being able to hear his quiet but terrifying threats.
Her breaths came out shaky as she stumbled into the restroom. She bathed inside, ignoring the stares from the women washing their hands at the sink before rushing into the very last stall.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. I can't breathe. I don't have my pills. I'm gonna die. This is how I'm going to die.
Why did I have to remember? Why couldn't I have gotten amnesia or something?
I was having fun and now I'm going to die in the bowling alley bathroom.
Okay, okay. Think about something else. Literally anything else. Okay. 'Okay' is an odd word when you really think about it. Good, think about the word 'okay'. Some people use it as O-K and others do O-K-A-Y. Which is the real spelling? Is it one of those words like caramel where people say it in different ways but it's just with spelling?
"You okay in there?" a gentle voice asked from the other side of the stall with a soft knock on the dark green door. "You're breathing pretty hard."
"Uh," Davina stammered, wiping the continuously falling tears from her cheeks with both hands, "yeah, I'm fine. Thank you."
"Okay."
After a few minutes, Davina managed to calm herself down by keeping her eyes closed and went to her happy place; her bedroom. It was the one place that made her feel safe, calm, and herself. Something that belonged to her, somewhere she could do anything without someone judging her.
"Davi? You've been in here for a while. Are you okay?"
She fluttered her eyes open, immediately being stung by the sharp white lights hanging above. "Yeah, I'm okay. I just got distracted on my phone." She was so used to lying about her emotions, it was instinct whenever she was asked. She didn't mean to. "Actually no."
"What's the matter?"
"I'm not going to talk about this in the bathroom."
"Come on, we can go to my car then."
"I don't want to look at you when I talk about it. It makes me nervous."
"Okay. I'll just stand here and listen. I'll even lock the door so no one can come in. Please talk to me."
"Fine."