HADEETH; Sayings and Doings of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh).
(A.N; please read till the end.)
The Muslim woman who knows the teachings of her religion has insight and is balanced and self-controlled. When she is stricken by the death of one of those whom she loves, she does not let grief make her lose her senses, as is the case with shallow, ignorant women who fall apart with grief. She bears it with patience, hoping for a reward from Allah (swt), and follows the guidance of Islam in her behavior at this difficult time.
She never wails over the deceased, because wailing is not an Islamic deed; it is the practice of the kuffar, and one of the customs of jahiliyyah. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) was very explicit in his emphatic prohibition of wailing, to the extent that it was regarded as kufr:
"There are two qualities in people that are indicative of kufr: casting doubts on a person's lineage, and wailing over the dead."
(Note: 346. Sahih Muslim, 2/57, Kitab al-iman, bab itlaq al-kufr 'ala al-ta'an fi'l-nasab wa'l-niyahah.)
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Prophet Muhammad ( pbuh ) effectively excluded from the Muslim community those men and women who wail and eulogize the dead when he said:
"He is not one of us who strikes his cheeks, or tears his garment, or speaks the words of jahiliyyah."
(Note: 347. (Bukhari and Muslim), See Sharh al-Sunnah, 5/436, Kitab al-jana'iz, bab al-nahy 'an al-niyahah wa'l-nadab.)
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The Muslim woman who understands the teachings of Islam knows that death is real, that everyone on this earth is mortal and that this life is merely a corridor to the Hereafter, where eternity will be in the presence of Allah ( swt ). So there is no need for this uncontrollable grief which makes a person become unbalanced and lose his reason so that he starts to stroke his own face and tear his clothes, screaming with grief and loss.
The Sahabah understood this ruling of Islam, even though they had only very recently left the jahiliyyah behind. They used to forbid themselves to eulogize the dead or raise their voices or scream or tear their clothes, which were actions done by women at the of jahiliyyah. They knew that Islam does not accept the deeds of jahiliyyah and will not permit them to return from time to time, and they used to condemn such actions just as Prophet Muhammad ( pbuh ) did.
Abu Burdah ibn Abi Musa said:
"Abu Musa suffered from some pain and fell into a coma. His head was in the lap of a woman from his family. She shouted at him, but he was not able to respond. When he came to, he said: 'I shun whatever the Messenger of Allah ( pbuh ) shunned, for he shunned every woman who raises her voice, cuts her hair and tears her clothes (at the time of the disaster).'"
(Note: 348. Sahih Muslim, 2/110, Kitab al-iman, bab tahrim darab al-khudud wa shiqq al-juyub.)
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Although Islam has forbidden senseless jahili actions like sticking one's cheeks, tearing one's garment, wailing, and eulogizing, it recognizes the grief that overwhelms the heart and the tears that softly flow at the departure of a loved one. All of this is part of the legitimate human emotion and gentle compassion that Allah ( swt ) has instilled in people's hearts, as was demonstrated by Prophet Muhammad ( pbuh ) in his words and deeds.
Usamah ibn Zayd said:
"We were with Prophet Muhammad ( pbuh ) when one of his daughters sent for him, calling him to come and telling him that her boy - or son - was dying. Prophet Muhammad ( pbuh ) said: 'Go back to her and tell her that whatever Allah ( swt ) gives and takes belongs to Him, and everything has its appointed time with Him. Tell her to have patience and to seek reward from Allah ( swt ).' The one who conveyed this message came back and said: 'She swore that you should come to her.' Prophet Muhammad ( pbuh ) got up, as did Sa'd ibn 'Ubadah and Mu'adh ibn Jabal, and I went with them. The boy was lifted up to him, and his soul was making a sound like water being poured into an empty container (i.e., the death-rattle). The Prophet's eyes (pbuh )filled with tears and Sa'd said to him, 'What is this, O Messenger of Allah?' He said, 'This is the compassion that Allah ( swt ) has placed in the hearts of His servants, and Allah ( swt ) will show compassion to those of His servants who have compassion.'"
(Note: 349. Sahih Muslim, 6/224, 225, Kitab al-jana'iz, bab al-bika' [?] 'ala'l-mayyit.)
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'Abdullah ibn 'Umar (raa) said:
Sa'd ibn 'Ubadah fell ill with some complaint that he suffered from, and Prophet Muhammad ( pbuh ) came to visit him, accompanied by 'Abd al-Rahman ibn 'Awf, Sa'd ibn Abi Waqqas and 'Abdullah ibn Mas'ud. When he entered and found him in a coma, he asked, 'Has he passed away?' They said, 'No, O Messenger of Allah.' The Messenger of Allah ( pbuh ) wept, and when the people saw him weeping, they wept too. He said, 'Are you not listening? Allah ( swt ) will not punish a man for the tears that fall from his eyes or for the grief that he feels in his heart, but He will either punish or have mercy on a man because of this,' and he pointed to his tongue."
(Note: 350. (Bukhari and Muslim), See Sharh al-Sunnah, 5/429, Kitab al-jana'iz, bab al-bika' 'ala al-mayit.)
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Anas ( raa ) said:
"The Messenger of Allah ( pbuh ) entered upon his son Ibrahim as he was surrendering his soul (i.e., dying). Tears began to well up in the Prophet's eyes. 'Abd al-Rahman ibn 'Awf said to him, 'Even you, O Messenger of Allah?' He said, 'O Ibn 'Awf, this is compassion.' Then he wept some more and said, 'The eyes shed tears, and the heart feels grief, but we say only what which will please our Lord. And truly we are deeply grieved by your departure, O Ibrahim.'"
(Note: 351. Reported by Bukhari and Muslim. See Riyad al-Salihin, 463, Kitab 'iyadah al-marid, bab jawaz al-bika' 'ala al-mayit bi ghayri nadab wa la niyahah.)
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Prophet Muhammad ( pbuh ) approved of expressing grief by letting the tears flow because people have no power to restrain tears at times of grief, but he forbade every deed that can inflame and exacerbate grief. Shedding tears, in moderation, can help to soothe the pain of grief, but wailing, eulogizing, screaming and other jahiliya actions only increase the anguish and make a person more prone to collapse. These actions are what the Arabs used to do at the time of jahiliyyah, when a person would even request it before his death, so that others would come and wail over the dead, enumerating his good qualities and exaggerating about the impact of this bereavement. An example of this is to be seen in the poetry of Tarafah ibn al-'Abd:
"When I die, mention my qualities as befits me, and rend your garments for me, O daughter of Ma'bad. Do not make me like a man whose aspirations are not my aspirations, who could not do what I could do, or play the role I play."
All of this is forbidden by Islam most emphatically because it is a waste of energy and contradicts the acceptance of Allah's will and decree; it also opens the way for the Shaytan to lead people astray and cause fitnah. Prophet Muhammad ( pbuh ) referred to this, in the hadith narrated by Umm Salamah (May Allah be pleased with her), who said:
"When Abu Salamah died, I said, 'He is a stranger in a strange land. I shall certainly cry over him a such a way that people will talk about it.' I prepared myself to cry over him, but a woman who was coming from the high places of Madinah to help me (in crying and wailing) was met the Messenger of Allah ( pbuh ). He asked, 'Do you want to let the Shaytan enter a house from which Allah ( swt ) has expelled him twice?' So I stopped crying, and I did not cry."
The first time was when Abu Salamah surrendered his soul (died), and some of his family were grief-stricken. The Prophet (pbuh) told them, "Do not pray for anything but good for yourselves, for the angels are saying 'Amin' to whatever you say," then he prayed for Abu Salamah. The second time was when Umm Salamah started telling herself that she would exaggerate in her crying for him, then she changed her mind.
(Note: 353. Sahih Muslim, 6/224, Kitab al-jana'iz, bab al-bika' 'ala al-mayit.)
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The Prophet's concern to forbid wailing, especially among women, reached such a level that when he accepted the oath of allegiance (bay'ah) from women, he asked them to pledge to keep away from wailing. This is seen in the hadith narrated by Bukhari and Muslim from Umm 'Atiyah who said:
"The Prophet ( pbuh ) accepted the pledge of allegiance from us on the basis that we would not wail."
(Note: 354. Fath al-Bari, 3/176, Kitab al-jana'iz, bab ma yunha min al-nawh wa'l-bika'; Sahih Muslim, 6/237, Kitab al-jana'iz, bab tahrim al-niyahah.)
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According to a report narrated by a Muslim also from Umm 'Atiyah, she said:
"When the ayah ( when believing women come to you to take the oath of fealty to you, that they will not associate in worship any other thing except Allah . . . And that they will not disobey you in any just matter . . .) (Qur'an 60:12) was revealed, she said, part of that was wailing."
(Note: 355. Sahih Muslim, 6/238, Kitab l-jana'iz, bab tahrim al-niyahah.)
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The Prophet (pbuh) warned the woman who wails over the dead that if she does not repent before her own death, she will be raised on the Day of Resurrection in a most fearful state:
"The woman who wails, and does not repent before dies, will be raised on the Day of Resurrection wearing a shirt of tar and a garment of scabs."
(Note: 356. Sahih Muslim, 6/235, Kitab al-jana'iz, bab tahrim al-niyahah.)
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He also warned that the angels of mercy would be kept away from her, and she would be deprived of their du'a' for her, as long as she insisted on wailing and making grief worse. This is seen in the hadith narrated by Ahmad:
"The angels will not pray for the one who wails and laments."
(Note: 357. Imam Ahmad, al-Musnad, 2/362; the men of its isnad are thiqat.)
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Because of this clear, definitive prohibition of wailing, screaming, eulogizing, tearing one's garments and other jahili actions, the Muslim woman can do nothing but submit to the commands of Allah ( swt ) and His Messenger, and keep away from everything that could compromise the purity of her faith in the will and decree of Allah ( swt ). She does not just stop there, however, she also calls women who may be unaware of this to obey the laws of Allah ( swt ) and to keep away from wailing, once they have understood the commandments of Allah ( swt ) and His Messenger.
She does not attend funerals
The Muslim woman who truly understands the teachings of Islam does not attend funerals, in obedience to the command of the Prophet (pbuh), as reported by Umm 'Atiyah (May Allah be pleased with her):
"We were forbidden to attend funerals, but not strictly."
(Note: 358. Fath al-Bari, 3/144, Kitab al-jana'iz, bab ittiba' al-nisa' al-jana'iz; Sahih Musli, 7/2, Kitab al-jana'iz, bab nahy al-nisa' 'an ittiba' al-jana'iz)
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In this case, women's position is the opposite of men's position. Islam encourages men to attend funerals and to accompany the body until it is buried, but it dislikes women to do so because their presence could result in inappropriate situations that would compromise the dignity of death and the funeral rites. Accompanying the deceased until the burial offers a great lesson to those who do it, and seeking forgiveness for the deceased, and thinking of the meaning of death that touches every living thing:
( Wherever you are, death will find you out, even if you are in towers built up strong and high!) (Qur'an 4:78)
The Prophet (pbuh) discouraged women from attending funerals (made it makruh), but did not forbid it outright, because his discouraging it should be enough to make the obedient Muslim woman refrain from doing it. This is a sign of the strength of her Islam, her sincere obedience to Allah ( swt ) and His Messenger, and her willingness to adopt the attitude, which is better and more be.
السلام عليكم
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P.s. We love the beloved Imam Husain (r.a), Imam Hasan (r.a), their sister Zainab (r.a), their parents, all their families, all their children. And they would not want us to go against the sayings of Prophet pbuh, their grandfather, by doing things to harm our body.
'Harming oneself is sinful' it's not my point of view but Islamic sharia'a's.
Islam is Allah's command. It's the way of life.