A/N - OK...Before anything else...I GOT A TWEET FROM ANT!!!!! I'm still in shock, to be honest. Best end to the year I could have hoped for! 😁😍💖
But...Back to business! Sorry it's a bit behind schedule. I've been struggling quite a bit with writing the past few days, so hopefully this isn't a train wreck. It was originally going to be one loooong chapter, but it grew to over 7K words, so I split it in half. Oops. 😬
Thanks for all your comments and input - it really is quite helpful from a writing point of view to see your feedback! Happy New Year, everyone! ❤ -H. x
⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠TRIGGER WARNING⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠
Ant buried his head in his hands, shattering before Linda's very eyes. A shuddering breath tore through him and he burst into tears, muttering darkly to himself. Concerned, Linda rose and walked the short distance to Ant's perch, quietly lowering herself down next to him and wrapping an arm around his shoulder. To her surprise, he melted into the embrace, turning and quietly weeping into her shoulder, clinging to her like a lost child.
"Shhh, it's okay, Ant," Linda soothed, her heart breaking for her friend and patient, "He's very, very hurt, there's a lot of anger there. But it's not all directed at you, I've got a feeling there's a bunch directed at himself, too, he's just taking it out on you. And underneath all of it is love."
Ant shook his head weakly, mumbling brokenly, "He hates me, Linda, he hates me! Our love is gone....I really f***ed up this time..."
Linda squeezed Ant a little bit harder, rubbing a hand up and down his shaking back. "That's not true, Ant. I saw pain, guilt, anger, even grief, in everything he's said and done today, but there's no hatred there. Not towards you, anyway. I think there's a part of him that hates himself, though. What for, I don't know. I've only just scratched the surface with him, there's a lot yet to be uncovered. But I can 100% guarantee he doesn't hate you. The love is there and will shine through again eventually, I promise, we just have to deal with all his other emotional baggage first."
Ant remained silent, clearly trying to pull himself together, the flow of tears gradually stopping. He finally leaned away from the embrace, sinking back into the cushions with a defeated, heartrendingly sad expression on his face. "I've gotta go try and patch things up with 'im," he murmured dejectedly, "Prob'ly gonna get yelled at. Again. He's on rare form today..."
Linda gave him a sympathetic smile, reminding him gently, "I told you it wouldn't be easy. Like I said to Dec on Monday, when you've been together 30 years like you two have, it's like a marriage, and, well, I don't need to tell you how painful it is when that sort of long-term relationship breaks down...A lot's gone on in a very short space of time, and Dec's really struggling to process it all on top of everything else that's happening in his life. He's suffering a bit of a mental health crisis at the moment, I think it's fair to say. Sort of like you were when you first came to hospital. It will get easier, this process, but reconciliation's never straightforward and it's rarely without fireworks. Be gentle with yourself, Ant, you're doing your best."
Ant grimaced at that, rolling his eyes. "Yeah, doing me best to completely wreck what was left of our relationship...."
"Not true, Ant. You're both hurting, and that's why this is so difficult. It's hard to control emotions and think rationally when you've got a lot going on yourself. As soul-destroying as it is, all of this raw anger and pain needs to be brought out into the open, it's the only way to begin the healing process. Dec's confused, I think he doesn't quite know which way is up and which is down at the moment. So we have to try and be patient while he figures things out. Okay? I promise everything is still looking good for saving what you two have, there's just a lot more work to be done. I wouldn't lie to you, you know that."
Ant finally nodded, sighing heavily. "Which way did the lil bugger go?"
Pressing Ant back into the cushions when he moved to get up, Linda shook her head at him, smiling softly. "I'll go, Ant, you need a little break." When Ant looked ready to protest, Linda insisted, "I'll be fine, honest. His Scrappy Doo mode, as you call it, doesn't scare me. I've seen worse. And I'm nearly as big as him, anyway, the little squirt," she giggled, eyes lighting up when her teasing words elicited a halfhearted grin from Ant.
"Now you just sit back and relax for a few, all right? Have a biscuit, do some deep breathing, clear your mind. I'll be back with your little friend in tow after a bit, promise."
And with that, with her heart in her throat, Linda hurriedly made her way out of the room, wondering what on earth she was going to find. It had been several minutes since he'd stormed off now, and she had no idea where he'd gone. She supposed it would be a matter of checking all the rooms on the right side of the house, since that was the direction he'd stomped off in...
Things were going a bit pear-shaped at the moment, she had to admit. Dec really did have quite a temper, and it was more than clear that he was stressed to the hilt, despite presumably having the last three weeks or so off work. And Ant certainly wasn't helping. Yet she couldn't blame him for reacting badly. He was still struggling, too, and Dec's anger was very raw and unfiltered. It had to hurt.
Making her way through the kitchen, Linda made sure to check every corner, guessing she'd find Dec curled up in a ball somewhere since that's what he always seemed to do when he was upset. Nothing there.
Realizing it was a bit of a larger house than she'd thought when the kitchen opened onto a hallway with several doors branching off of it, she sighed, anxiety filling the pit of her stomach. She didn't like leaving Ant alone right now, she could tell he was really quite distraught after everything that had been revealed so far today, but Dec needed her, too. This joint counselling thing was proving a bit more difficult than she'd thought it would be – her fee didn't cover searching through houses for distraught presenters!
Poking her head into a couple of children's bedrooms – feeling very much like an intruder – Linda still found no sign of the man who clearly was intent on hiding himself away. Stepping across the hall to a partially closed door, Linda stopped suddenly, her heart giving a jolt. What was that?
There was another one. A teeny tiny sniffle, so quiet she could barely hear it. But it had to be him.
Quietly pushing open the door, Linda nearly flicked the light switch on in the darkened room before thinking better of it. Best not to startle him. Her eyes adjusting to the dark, she moved forward, eyes sweeping over the contents of the room. It appeared to be a home office, with a large desk and ergonomic office chair featuring prominently against the back wall. But Dec wasn't sitting in the chair. He was still hidden from sight somewhere, assuming he was even in here.
Moving towards the other side of the room, where a heavy metal filing cabinet was pressed up against the wall, Linda peered 'round the other side of it. What was that in the corner? A bean bag chair? Quite possible, since it seemed Anne-Marie had a couple of young daughters.
Not a sound was heard. It seemed that, if Dec was in here, he'd clocked her presence and was trying his hardest to remain hidden, silent, unfound. Wait, had that been a glint of something shiny? Why would there be something shiny on a bean bag chair – perhaps it was a glitter patch? Yes, that must be it. Bling.
Creeping closer, Linda crouched down, nearly falling backwards when she came face to face with a crumpled up Declan Donnelly, deadened, pain-filled eyes staring up at her unblinkingly.
"Dec," she breathed, slowly settling herself onto the floor, crossing her legs and assuming a relaxed, friendly facial expression. "What are you hiding in here for?"
Her eyes adjusting further to the extremely dim light of this corner of the room, her heart stopped beating. She'd thought that metallic glint had been a trick of the light, her eyes seeing things that didn't exist. It hadn't been.
Gripped tightly in his right fist was a pair of scissors, the blades held wide open...With the sharp cutting edge pressed against his left wrist, poised and ready to bite into the soft, healing flesh and wick away the life blood of a man who clearly felt there was nothing left worth living for...or perhaps that it was better to die than to have to face his vision of the future....
Smoothly sliding her gaze away from the horrifying scene in front of her, Linda consciously cleared her mind of any panic, her eyes coming to rest on Dec's face once again. He seemed frozen in limbo, almost catatonic despite the tears streaming from his eyes.
"Dec, you don't have to speak, just listen, okay?" Linda's voice was gentle, loving, compassionate. "Today has been really, really tough for you. The past several weeks have been really, really tough, too. It probably seems like no one cares, that no one understands what you're going through. And it's true, no one can quite understand the depths of another person's despair, but they can try. It's not gone great, I'll admit, but Ant is trying and he definitely does care. He feels terrible about all of this and he only wants to make things right."
She paused, unable to stop her eyes from flicking down to Dec's wrist, still at risk of being sliced open any moment now. Her hands itched to reach out and grab the scissors away from Dec, to erase the chance of him cutting himself open again. But there was a huge risk of him hurting himself on instinct to avoid her stopping him if she made a grab for it...And that wasn't something she was ready to take a chance on at the moment. Best to keep talking and trying to break through his wall of pain, convince him that all was not lost and life was worth giving another chance.
"The problem is, Ant's not thinking straight, and he's hurting, too. You want answers, you need answers to why everything went so awry. You're angry, and rightfully so. There's nothing wrong with being angry. You shouldn't feel guilty about your anger and you also shouldn't feel guilty about maybe hurting him in the process. It's only when a person understands how much their actions have hurt someone that they find the strength to ch-"
The room was suddenly immersed in blinding light, leaving both Dec and Linda blinking rapidly against the intense brightness. Linda's heart stuttered in her chest. The lights being switched on could only mean one thing...Oh, no. No, no, no....
"Declan!!!" A panicked cry came from behind them, running footsteps bounding towards them, causing Dec to scramble to his feet defensively, eyes darting this way and that as he looked for a route of escape. Bizarrely, the scissors' blade was still pushed up against his wrist, the metal glinting sharply under the bright fluorescent lighting as he held both arms close to his chest, trying to hide what he was about to do. Linda jumped to her feet, figuring she might get trampled otherwise, feeling the swish of air through her curls as Ant started rushing past her.
Snagging his arm, Linda pulled him back, struggling and flailing, before he could reach Dec, who was looking equal parts panicked and defiant. "The hell're you doin'?!"Ant squawked, eyes wide, desperately trying to pull out of Linda's tight, surprisingly strong, grip and get to his friend. "He's gonna kill himself!"
"Ant!" Linda's voice was sharp, "Calm down, you're not helping!"
"Well, you're bloody not doing anything!" Ant shot back, struggling even harder. "He's got a bloody pair of scissors and you're just sittin' there talkin' to him!?"
Finally wrenching himself out of Linda's tight grasp, Ant shot forward, grabbing wildly as Dec tried to evade him whilst protesting in a garbled voice, "Just let me die, will you?!" But Dec was backed into a corner with no way out. He couldn't escape even if he tried. Ant pounced on him, snatching hold of Dec's fist which was still tightly clutching the scissors, trying to forcibly yank it away from his vulnerable wrist.
There was a moment where Linda thought the blade had sunk into Dec's flesh, her horrified eyes following the jerky movements of Ant and Dec's joined hands as they fought for control of the sharp object.
But Dec was no match for Ant, Ant's larger size and superior strength overwhelming him quite quickly. After a several second struggle, Ant managed to wrest the scissors out of Dec's tight grip, tossing them carelessly to the side, leaving Linda ducking to avoid their trajectory, a crash resounding through the room as he pinned his friend within his arms, refusing to let go.
All was silent for a brief moment, the only sound that of the men's heavy breathing after their struggle. Linda's legs were shaking, she felt quite lightheaded all of a sudden, so she staggered over to the desk chair, collapsing into it whilst still keeping a close eye on her two charges. She didn't know if Dec was okay, whether or not he'd been injured in the struggle. She didn't see any blood dripping onto the floor, so she assumed he was unscathed...Or she hoped so, anyway....
Fully enclosed in Ant's arms, Dec's face was hidden from her sight where it was pressed up into the hollow of Ant's neck, Ant's body visibly trembling as he clung to his friend like he'd never let him go.
Dec let out a single sob, and then the floodgates opened. As his emotions overwhelmed him, he sagged into Ant, hands coming up to weakly grasp onto Ant's jumper – much like a child would do – as he cried bitterly into his friend's neck. Ant's back was partially turned towards her, but she could see his shoulders shuddering, too, his head craned down slightly and resting heavily on top of Dec's.
Breathing a private sigh of relief, Linda relaxed. As awful as it was, maybe this was what they'd needed all along.
Several long minutes passed, sobs turning to sniffles and then shuddery hiccups as the friends clung to each other, each gaining comfort from the other's warm presence and steady heartbeat. Dec finally raised his head from its comfortable spot nestled underneath Ant's chin, trying to step back but finding he was completely trapped in the safe fortress of Ant's arms.
"Ant," he murmured thickly, voice hoarse from crying, "You can let go now."
By way of response, Ant tugged him closer again, giving him another cuddle – which Dec seemed quite happy to go along with it, sinking back into the embrace – before finally loosening his hold on his smaller friend. Only, he couldn't quite let go, finding there was some sort of sticky substance gluing his hand to the back of Dec's jumper.
With a wince, Ant pulled his hand away, slowly letting it drift down over Dec's left shoulder and arm until it reached his hand, gently flipping it palm upwards. Finding his wrist unscathed except for a few light abrasions and what looked to be a pressure mark from having the blade pressed up against his flesh, Ant let out a sigh of relief, saying quietly yet fiercely, tears still choking his voice, "Don't ever do that to me again, kidda. It almost killed me seeing that..."
Dec flinched at Ant's words. "I'm just so tired of fighting, Ant...I-, I don't recognize...us...anymore..."
Ant ducked his head, unable to look Dec in the eyes. "I-I hate it, too...I, I- don't know why I s-said those things to you, D-Dec...I'm such an a***hole..."
"It's not that, though, Ant," Dec said quietly, voice quavering, "Words are just...words. It's the actions that h-hurt....E-everything you've done, I-,I...Me head's tellin' me th-" His voice broke, and he brought a trembling hand up to his mouth, swallowing hard. "It's...it's t-tellin' me that I sh-should w-walk a-a-way...."
Ant let out a strangled, unintelligible sound, but didn't say anything, seeming to sense that Dec had more to say. Dec glanced away from Ant, biting hard at his lower lip as he tried to stop himself from breaking down again. Sucking in a shaky breath after a moment's pause, he dared to look back at Ant, teary eyes swirling with inner turmoil.
"Erm..." he stalled, seeming nervous of what he was about to say, gaze rapidly flickering back and forth between Ant and the floor, "I-...I s-sometimes think I should h-have w-walked away l-...last y-year...'Cause I, I believed you, I thought...I thought I could t-trust you."
Voice gaining strength, although still wobbling dangerously, "You...You hurt me, Ant. Again. And I...I just think, am I bein' a fool to let you back in...Am, am I just going to get h-hurt again? 'Cause I can't...I c-can't go th-through this ag-ain. I-...I-I'd r-rather d-, die...."
"No!" Ant choked out, "No, Dec, no, don't s-ay th-at!"
"The truth hurts, Ant," Dec replied, voice strained with untold pain, "B-but...I-, I'm s-so weak....I've let you hurt me...again and again....And I said I'd g-give you another cha-nce, but...that was me h-heart talkin'...Me head...i-it says we're t-too far..gone..."
"Dec-lan..." Ant was openly crying, tears streaming down his face. He reached out, pulling Dec into him despite his initial resistance, holding him tightly against his chest as he wept into his smaller friend's shoulder. After what seemed like forever, but was in fact no longer than a minute, Ant's broken plea drifted through the room, "C-can't we c-come ba-ck from th-is? If...if we st-start over...I-I'll do anything, Declan, any-thin' to save us..."
His voice dropping to a mere whisper, the tone speaking of utter devastation, Ant shakily added, "But...Dec, i-if you'd be h-happier...W-walk a-awa-y...B-build your own life....without m-me...All I c-care about is...your h-happ-iness..."
Dec pulled out of Ant's tight hold, stepping back but unable to avoid Ant's hands which continued to cling to his upper arms, holding him firmly in place and preventing escape from the unspoken question hanging in the air. Letting out a devastating sigh, Dec shook his head. "I can't...I, I just...can't...I can't do it, Ant. A l-life without you...it would be hell...It is hell...."
A look of mild confusion passed over Ant's features at Dec's assertion that life without him "is hell"...He was standing right here, wasn't he? "But I am in your life, Dec, we're stood right here together!" he protested mildly, fixing Dec with a look of concerned puzzlement.
"It's not you, though, is it!" Dec exclaimed, the fire of before resurfacing for a very brief moment and then quickly fading again, "It's not been you and me for years....I've been all on me own for ages and I never even knew. There were times....Times I thought maybe we were driftin' apart, that sommat was wrong, when you were out drinking with others and ignorin' me, when you wouldn't want to spend time with me out of work...When you always blew me off when I asked about you and how you were doin'. But I trusted you, Ant, I thought it was all in me head...Turns out I was right all along and you've not said a true word to me for, what, 2 years??"
His whole body drooping as he dropped his gaze, he mumbled, "I'd've preferred not knowin'...At least, at least I was happy and I thought...I thought I had a best friend...Now I've got nowt."
Voice laden with guilt but also a tiny bit of hope, Ant breathed out, "B-but Dec...If you feel like...that...Why haven't you ch-chucked me out in the street? Wh-why are ya still s-standin' by us??"
Chewing on the inside of his cheek, Dec suddenly looked down, drawing in a shuddery breath. "Erm...'Cause I-, I c-can't let you...go...It h-hurts so bloody much already..."
"Ya don't have to let us go, pet," Ant murmured thickly, "I-, I can't undo w-what I've done...But I am trying, Dec, I'm trying to be a better person. I've turned over a new leaf, I-, I don't ever wanna go back to how things were. I hate meself for what I've done, for letting you down and lettin' us fall apart....I-, I can't fix the past, Declan, but I can try and fix us??"
Dec shrugged, shoving his hands into his pockets and huddling into himself, mumbling so quietly Ant could barely hear him, "It-...it's not that s-simple, Ant....We're so...broken....A-, and...the f-future, it scares the pants off us...I'm sick of it all...I, I can't do it anymore, Ant, I just can't...."