*NO SCHEDULED UPDATE.*
I was already on the verge of a breakdown, and we only just started replacing my medication.
At the VA, I couldn't stop bouncing my leg. Paranoia swept into my mind, anxiety making it hard to breathe.
"Romera?" I was called back. I swallowed heavily as Mason and I stood up. The usual questions went on, and then came the moment of truth. If he'd faint or not.
"There's your little jellybean." The doctor pointed it out. I felt Mason's hand go cold, and looked over to find him hitting the floor. The doctor only laughed, breaking out the smelling salts to wake him up. "You don't get to faint on me, Clairmont." She helped him sit in the chair. "Everything looks to be fine... I'm concerned about your medications, though."
"I'm already cutting back." The bouncing returned to my leg, which didn't slip past her.
"Are you scheduled to speak to a psychologist at a minimum of once a week?" I nodded. "Do you have a support system at home?" Again with the questions and nodding. "Alright... Be back in a month... Call if you have any signs of spotting, cramping, or even if you feel a bit out of place." She gave me her card. I swallowed but nodded again.
Back at the house, the paranoia became worse. Like I was being watched. Something was watching me. Someone...
"Sweep clear." I heard from the radio, but it didn't calm my nerves. Mason came back with dropper full of what looked like almost tar, and made me take it. It tasted like dirt, but he did bring a Gatorade to wash it down.
"I know that look." I just curled into myself, waiting for the CBD to take effect. "Talk to me, Leysa."
M
"I feel like I'm being watched." Spitfire came up on the sofa, trying to make her uncurl and get into her lap. She let him in, and held him tightly.
"Tell me who you think is watching you." I asked of her.
"It's... It's just that we have so many enemies." She muttered. "The two break-ins... the office..." I rubbed her arm.
"The guards are on constant sweeps. Updates hourly unless we're asleep or it's an emergency." I reassured her. "It's the paranoia, Leysa. You're safe here with me, Agnes, and Spit." The dog whined softly, reassuring her. "How about I order some of your favorite, and we kick back with a movie?" She nodded, closing her eyes.
We made it through dinner, and the night. When I got up for work in the morning, Leysa wasn't anywhere to be found. She never got up before I did...
I checked her old room, the garage, outside...
"Leysa's in the workout room." Agnes called out, handing me a cup of coffee. "Spit is off on his morning run around the house, giving the guards some love, and sweep was clear." I rubbed my face.
"Thanks." I went up stairs, finding Leysa doing squats with a maximum of 20lbs on the bar.
"You're never awake before me." She pushed three more reps before putting the bar on the bench.
"I was restless." She took a towel, wiping the sweat from her face.
"Shouldn't you be resting?"
"Doctor said I could workout minimally." She wasn't snappy, but she sounded disturbed and was answering in one sentence.
"What's on your mind?" She stopped toweling off.
"Stuff I can't talk to you about." I leaned against the doorway.
"Do you want to go to the therapist?" She shook her head. "Leysa..."
"I'll go tomorrow."
"I know you by now, Leysa. You need to go today."
"I'll go tomorrow."
"Leysa." I stopped her. She huffed. I knew it was dangerous to interrupt or correct a pregnant woman, but things were already going south. "Today. Go take a shower." She closed her eyes, but listened.
The only problems with mental illness was compliance and easing their fears. A lot of the times people rejected help, or denounced having a mental illness.
Once we were at the office, I didn't have to force her out of the car. She went in willingly, and the shrink saw her right away. She was in there for awhile again.
When she came out, she was back to that serious-faced marine. I looked to the shrink who shook his head.
"Can you hold on a moment?" I went over to him and went into his office. "I'm not going to ask about what you both talked about. But I really don't think her going through this right now is a smart idea."
"I actually disagree." That stunned me. "She sees this as the chance she never got with her late fiancé... But she's determined to do it, because she loves you and she wants you to be happy... those are my words, and how I see it. You of all people should know that there's stuff you can't talk about to other people." I pursed my lips. "Unfortunately, there's not many options for pregnant women when it comes to mood stabilizers, anti-anxieties, et cetera... The CBD will definitely help her, but at much higher doses. She's going to have many more off-days. You are both only in 10-weeks, but she already has a bond with the child that you won't understand. I see it as if she starts to feel troubled, my door is open." I was feeling stuck.
Do I let her suffer in this situation, or sit beside her and watch it possibly destroy her?
After the chat, I drove us home. It was silent save for the radio, but I could tell there was stuff that she wanted to say.
"Do you want me to go first?" She remained silent. "Are you doing this for me because you're scared that I'll reject you if you don't?" She remained silent. "Because I told you that I wouldn't do that. I still won't do that... Or is it because you really want to be a mom?" I let the question linger. Before we got to the house, she answered.
"I'm doing this because I want both. I want you, and I want this baby." She said softly. "I know I'm probably the hardest person in your world to speak to about things that we shouldn't even be having to talk about... I try to." Her head was against the window. "But... it's this pit of anxiety in my gut that makes me back off of everything." I didn't have much feeling like that. The medication blocked it. She wasn't able to take it. "I'm feeling everything on a scale that I haven't truly felt before and it scares me." She sniffled. Great. I made her cry. Way to go, dumbass...
"You need to tell me this stuff. We're in it together now." I put the truck in park, and took her hand. "I know there's shit you need to keep to yourself. I respect that. But when it comes to you and me? I do need to know." I let go, getting out of the truck, and helped her out. "Please, if you're thinking something, don't ever hesitate to ask or say it. If you ask, the worst I can do is say no... or yes, depending on the situation." That got a soft chuckle out of her. "No more secret emotions, okay?" She nodded. With that, we continued on.
Okay. First and foremost if you don't follow my page: My dad was in an accident on 4/13. His vehicle, totaled. He was not at fault, but he WAS injured. Those of you know I take care of him due to health concerns, I have been tending to his injuries and making sure they're healing properly because Type 1 diabetics have a tendency to NOT heal well.
Secondly. I am not allowed on my phone at work. I am at a HIGH RISK area, and the police there are useless, lazy pigs (and I have the utmost respect for law enforcement, when they ACTUALLY ARE DOING THEIR JOB) who basically said "we cry wolf too much for petty shit" when we have violent CTW'S (criminal trespass warnings, AKA active criminal trespass with documentation) constant theft, and officers constantly being threatened and or shot at. I had been purposely driven at by two people (attempted vehicular homicide), had a gun pointed AT MY HEAD (assault with a deadly weapon), and had stupid teenagers try to beat my ass for being "an officer." Let me just say the teenagers got arrested in capital offenses and were thrown in jail. Armed officers in Texas are protected under the law in court as PEACE officers when it comes to assault cases.
So, pardon me, for my absence, for not being able to do what I actually enjoy, and also being a First Responder, and for having to care for my dad when nobody else is able to do so. If you didn't sense the sarcasm in the first part, it's heavily implied.
Also, this is why you don't text and drive. Put your FUCKING PHONE DOWN. The lady who hit him was on the phone.
So, the next time you want to comment for an update, put my book on a list with a suggested name that makes it seem like I'm just lazy and don't want to finish it.... Now you know. I know how this book ends. I know EXACTLY how I want it to end. I. DON'T. HAVE. THE. TIME. RIGHT. NOW.
I DO APPRECIATE YOUR LOVE FOR THE BOOK! Please do not get me wrong on that! BUT PLEASE. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. Try to understand that some of us are going through crap right now.