I'm starting to suck at this update schedule thing, aren't I? You're gonna have to bear with me because I have finals until Christmas Eve, and while the chapters are all written, I still have to re-read and edit them. Anyway, Enjoy, and as always, let me know what you think.
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THEN - Perrie
I'm still standing in the same place, staring at Tiffany's bag, when Jade walks out of the shower. Without thinking, I blurt out, "If you get down on one knee in that towel, you'll flash your vagina."
Her face creases in confusion. "Well... that's a strange thing to say." She walks over and kisses me quickly, like she always does when I come home. Laughing, she says, "And why exactly am I getting down on one knee?" Uh oh. Oh no. Oh god. She's not going— "Don't people only do that when they're about to propo..."She trails off when she spies the bag on the kitchen table.
But instead of going into shock-freak out mode like I have, she just laughs again. "That? Those are the wedding rings. Chris asked me to hold onto them since I'm the best man." I don't say anything and she snaps in front of my face twice. "Wedding rings, Perrie. Jesy and Chris's. Which means not yours and mine."
I wish I could just say something coherent, but my brain is going a million miles a minute. I'm supposed to be relieved that she's not proposing; I'm me, Perrie Edwards, so commitment-phobic that I got skittish when I joined Netflix.
"So it's not an engagement ring?" I say, slowly.
She keeps one hand on the knot on her towel and cups my cheek with the other. "No, it's not. I'm not proposing. I know you have reservations about marriage; I am not going to push you into anything."
"Okay," I say, still completely bewildered and caught off guard. Because yes, I used to be really scared of settling down... until Jade. I'm not that girl anymore; I'm the one who spilled the beans about us dating to our friends; I'm the one who suggested moving in together and I'm the one moved my stuff in here. I'm still an idiot, of course, because I balked when Leigh suggested that she might propose, and somehow didn't even realized that in the last few days, I've started looking forward to her proposal. Jade has changed me for the better without even trying. Maybe because she wasn't trying.
"So no proposal, okay? I'm not even going there yet. We're good," she announces and then frowns. "You okay?"
"Yeah," I reply but it's totally without feeling. Because I suddenly am aware of this completely new person that I've just realized I am, but it doesn't seem like Jade has noticed. And I'm not quite sure how to exist in a world where Jade doesn't know me better than myself.
She must notice that I'm a little off because his brow creases in concern. "Look at how freaked out you are with just the suggestion of it."
I don't want to blurt that I'm totally ready to get married, especially when she's making it so clear she's not even thinking about it.
It's kind of a blow to my ego, really.
So I nod and she kisses me on my cheek, heading into the bedroom to change. I watch her back, muscled from years of playing racquetball and tennis. My eyes travel down to those damn dimples on her lower back that I love so much and then I force myself to snap out of my haze. I'm being stupid. We were fine before this—better than fine. And now that I'm not waiting on pins and needles for her to propose, we can go back to the way we've always been.
Except... if that whole weird episode with Chris wasn't her planning a proposal or choosing a ring, what was it?
I follow her into the bedroom. The way she looks right now—hair wet and dark, barefoot in just a pair of dress pants hanging so low I can see her thong—makes me irrationally angry. How dare she not propose? How dare she not tell me whatever it is she's up to? And how dare she look so good while not doing these things she really should be doing?
I cross my arms and stare at her. "What's going on?"
"What do you mean?" she asks.
"What do you mean 'what do you mean'?"
She grins. "What do you mean 'what you do mean what do you'—"
"No, no." I hold up one finger to stop her. "No being cute. Answer me. Like a week and a half ago, at the coffee shop, you were so weird. You and Chris just disappeared. You never explained about that. And," I add, with something else I noticed coming to mind. "You've been super weird about your texts lately. You'll get one, read it, and then just act all strange."
For a second, she looks like she's going to give in and tell me. Then she frowns and instead yanks on a shirt. "I wish I could tell you. But I really can't." She pulls on a jacket and gives me a kiss on the cheek. "I'm going to go to work for a couple hours; I might be back late."
I spend the evening in a funk, avoiding a call from my mom, preferring to mope alone. I know Jade as well as I know myself; I know it's not something bad, whatever is going on. Firstly, it's Jade; I don't think she could treat me badly if she tried, and moreover, she'd never try. Secondly, if Chris is in on this with her, there's a good chance they'll tell the rest of us soon. But for the first time that I can remember, there's a part of Jade's life that I don't know about and it really, really bothers me.
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I am in the middle of my shower, getting ready for work the next morning when Jade comes into the bathroom. She brushes her teeth and then knocks on the shower curtain.
I pull it back and peek out at her. "It's weird that you knocked on the shower curtain."
"Well, I didn't want to interrupt you or startle you."
"What is it exactly that I would be doing that you didn't want to interrupt or startle me?"
"I don't know," she says, shrugging. "Shaving?"
I roll my eyes. Even after nearly three months of living together, she's still such a gentlewoman. "Anyway."
"Anyway. Can I join you? I overslept and am late as hell."
"Yeah, sure," I say and she strips off her shorts and steps over the edge of the tiny tub. "I didn't think you were actually going to go into work today."
"Why not?" she asks, holding on to my waist as we switch places so she can get under the stream of water.
"Well, because you were there all yesterday evening," I say.
She sighs. "Yeah, well, because I'm taking off Friday for the wedding and leaving early for the rehearsal dinner on Thursday night, I've got to try and get a little ahead on all my stuff."
I stare her down as I squeeze shampoo into her palm and then some into mine. "I know, y'know."
Her eyes grow wide as she lathers her hair. "You know?"
I nod, hoping she won't call my bluff. "Oh, boy, do I know."
She squints at me. The shower is getting too steamy and really is too small with the two of us in it. "How do you know?"
I take a shot in the dark. "Jesy told me?"
"Jesy knows?" She swears under her breath. "Chris, that big-mouthed jackass. He said he wouldn't tell her. Unless..." She looks at me again and then laughs, flicking aside a few suds that are sliding down my forehead into my eyes. She deposits them on the tip of my nose. "Oh, bullshit, Perrie. You don't know."
"Fine!" I wail. "I don't know! But I do know there's something I don't know."
"Oh, I'm pretty sure there's lots of somethings you don't know," she says, grinning.
"Shut up! Why won't you tell me what's going on? Is it bad? Have I done something that makes you think you can't tell me?"
She sighs and I pull her to me, not out of affection, but so we can switch places again and I can rinse my hair. "Are you kidding me?" she says, scoffing. "I feel so weird right now. This is like, the first time in seven years that I can't tell you something. But I made a promise and...." She doesn't finish her sentence and her eye twitches slightly, a sign of frustration.
She seems genuinely contrite and I believe her when she says I shouldn't worry. But I'm also stubborn as hell and I think I can find a way to make her tell me. I put conditioner in my hands and reach up, slowly massaging it into her hair. She closes her eyes and moans as she steps closer, putting her hands on my waist. I increase my efforts and she stoops a little to make it easier to reach. "Jade..."
"Hmmm?"
I don't answer, simply sliding my hands down her chest. I gently scratch her nipple and she jolts, eyes opening. When I reach down and touch her, she understands my intentions and I move my hand faster as she closes her eyes again, groaning. I pull her to me and she kisses me deeply. Without opening her eyes, she smiles against my lips, carefully turning us so my back is against the wall. I yelp from the contact of wet skin on cold tile and she grabs the showerhead, pouring a little warm water as she eases me back to lean on it, so it's not such a startling sensation.
I will admit that shower sex is not my favorite ever since that time I fell out of the tub, but desperate people call for desperate measures. Not that sex with Jade has anything to do with desperation. Well, okay, maybe a certain kind of desperation.
But almost like she hears my thoughts, she stops kissing me and pulls away, narrowing her eyes at me. "Is this a sex bribe?"
I try not to look guilty. "Maybe."
"I knew it. You hate shower sex! You're trying to play me!"
I shrug. "Don't hate the player—"
"Hate the game?" she interrupts.
"No, I was going to say: don't hate the player, hate the player's girlfriend who won't tell her what's going on!"
"I thought you were above using sex as a bribe."
I shrug. "Well, I am, now that I know it doesn't work."
She sighs, resting her forehead on my shoulder. "Trust me, if I wasn't sworn to secrecy, I would tell you." She kisses the side of my neck in apology.
I hug her to me, grabbing the showerhead and pouring it over her hair to rinse the conditioner out. I can tell she really does want to tell me; perhaps I shouldn't be a brat about this. "It's okay. You're running late anyway."
She springs up. "Oh shit! I am!" She kisses me on the cheek. "Thanks for sharing the shower."
"Raincheck on the sex till this evening?" I ask as she towels off.
She grins and says yes as she leaves the bathroom. Then two seconds later, she comes back in with an apologetic look. "Can I raincheck on the raincheck? I think I'll probably have to work late."
"Get out of the bathroom, Thirlwall," I say, in mock disgust. "Turning down sex. I can't believe I shared my shower with you."
"Love you."
"Yeah, yeah."
"Hey, Perrie?" she says, pausing in the doorway.
"Yeah?"
"Don't... I'm sorry I can't tell you. Remember that, okay?" Her mouth is in a small line and she leaves without an answer from me. All of a sudden, I'm getting a little scared.
By the time I finally get out of the shower, Jade's heading out the door, her shirt unbuttoned over an undershirt, her purse in one hand and a piece of toast in another.
"Jade..." I say without really realizing it.
She stops in the doorway and turns. "Yeah?"
"It's not... You're not..." Now that I've started this sentence, I don't know how I can actually say it out loud. I mean, it's not really something that is actually worrying but I'm far too used to telling Jade everything on my mind to censor even the most random of thoughts. "It's not another girl, right?"
She makes a face of disgust that is only usually seen on five-year-olds who don't get the Christmas gift they want. "Perrie, I love you but you say a lot of dumb things. This is, by far, the dumbest."
I shrug and laugh a little. "Yeah, I know... Never mind." I wave a hand to dismiss it.
She smiles and rushes out the door, leaving me feeling placated. But two minutes later, just as I've dropped my towel to put underwear on, she strides back into the bedroom.
"I thought you left," I say.
"I did. And I came back." She walks right up to me and takes my face in her hands, ignoring the fact that I am buck-naked.
"Aren't you running late?"
Her expression is a little intense as she says, "Doesn't matter."
"Your boss is going to yell at you," I tell her.
She doesn't bat an eye. "Don't care. What I do care about is that you never ever say anything like that again, okay?"
I laugh and fiddle with one of the buttons on her shirt, too embarrassed to look at her. "I know. I wasn't really worried, I'm just nosy and sometimes tempted to emotionally blackmail you."
"Okay."
"Okay."
"Don't emotionally blackmail me unless it's really important, okay?" she says, pulling my chin up so I have to look at her. I don't think she's hurt that I said that, but she's caught off guard. I immediately regret my words.
"I promise, I won't," I tell her sincerely.
She takes my faces in her faces, brushing away wet strands of my hair with her thumbs. "This thing I can't tell you... I mean, it's important but you'll know about it soon."
"Okay."
"I love you."
"I love you too. So much, Jade."
"And you know you're it for me."
"You're it for me, too," I say. I lean forward till our foreheads are touching and hold onto her wrists with my hands.
"And... nice breasts," she says, but I can tell she's still a little bothered.
I laugh but then slip my arms around her and pull her close. "I promise you I wasn't thinking when I said that. I'm so sorry I did. It was a dumb thing, and I know I do a lot of dumb things, but not this, never again. I don't doubt you at all; it was just insecure-girl thing, just like oh, my girlfriend is hiding something from me and yesterday she told me she's not proposing and man, if I read about this in a column in Cosmo, then I'd be like, 'your girlriend is cheating'. But that's dumb because you're not some other girl's girlfriend, you're my girlfriend and you're you and you would never."
She smiles, looking relieved but also a little taken aback. "Okay. That's a lot of words." She takes a deep breath and scratches the back of her head. "But, let's take this one at a time. Yes, I am your girlfriend. And no, I would never. What to tackle next? Let's go with a promise that you'll never read Cosmo again ever. "
"Leigh makes me, sometimes."
"You won't hear me say this often, but I forbid it." She wags her finger at me.
I grin. "I'm so okay with that."
"And lastly, it really shouldn't bother you that I'm not proposing. I thought we set things straight yesterday; it's got nothing to do with wanting to marry you and everything to do with not freaking you out, okay?" She kisses me and then sighs, glancing at the clock on the nightstand. "Alright, now I'm really late." She kisses me again. "Bye, love you."
"Love you."
"Oh and... nice breasts."
I smile as she walks away but suddenly my mind is racing. She's just out the bedroom door when, again before really thinking, I say, "What if I didn't freak out?"
She does a 180 so fast, she almost falls. "What?"
"Maybe you should propose," I blurt. I'm not quite so sure where these words are coming from, except that I want Jade to know. She's always known everything about me and this —that I'm ready for her in every way—is something she should definitely know.
Jade's eyebrows almost disappear into her hair. I think I've actually shocked her for the first time ever. "What?"
"Maybe you should propose?" I repeat, a little less confident—or maybe less crazy—each time I have to say it.
She squints at me playfully. "I'm sorry, you look like Perrie." She walks over to me and smells my hair. "And you smell like Perrie." I think she means to just give me a peck but the kiss lingers. "Mmm. And you taste like Perrie." She pulls away slightly. "But you don't talk like Perrie."
I shrug. "I don't..."
"You don't..." she prompts.
I mean to say 'I don't know why I said that', but instead what comes out is: "I don't think it would be a bad idea."
"Okay, you're definitely a robot that has replaced my girlfriend," she says. She raises one of my arms then puts it down, then down the same for the other, making me aware, once again, that I don't have a stitch of clothing on. She spins me around and moves my hair over my shoulder.
"What are you doing?" I ask, laughing a little because the way she's running her fingers over my back tickles.
"Looking for a control panel, Perrie-bot," she replies. I laugh again and turn around to face her. "So when you mentioned me proposing last night, it wasn't because you were worried I would? It was because you wanted me to?"
"Well, I mean, it's not exactly a huge surprise that we'll get married one day, is it?" I ask.
She smiles. "It's not even a small surprise. I just didn't know you were ready right now."
"I guess I am. Or maybe I'm not... I'm..." Suddenly, the freak out I've been expecting all along finally hits me. Have I just told her to propose? Like a proposal for a proposal? Who does that? Only an idiot like me. I mean, this is marriage! On one hand, I think what Jesy said is totally true; with me and Jade it won't really be any different. But on the other hand, it's marriage and you're supposed to think it through because it is a big deal. You only get married once.
Unless you're my mother, and then you get married three times.
What if I'm my mother?
But, no, I'm not my mother. Or at least, I don't think I am. Plus, it's Jade.
But what if my dad was my mom's Jade and they were fine and fun and friends and had great sex—ew, why am I thinking of my parents having sex?—and then my mom suggested my dad propose and then he did and then everything got ruined and—
"Perrie, stop," Jade says, holding both hands up.
I look at her. "I will never understand how you know just when I'm freaking out."
She chuckles. "You don't realize this but you sort of act it out."
"What?"
"Like, first you'll look confused and then worried and then scared, and then you'll go back to confused, all without saying or hearing a word."
"Oh."
She rubs my arms up and down soothingly. "Anyway, there's no need for you to freak out about what you just told me."
I glance up at her. She looks totally calm. "There isn't?"
"Nope," she says, putting her hands on my waist and pulling me close. "I get it."
"You do?" Because I don't even get it. But then again, that'd be just like her. To get the situation, to get me, even when I don't.
"Yeah." She holds my gaze and speaks very slowly. "You were just joking."
I'm confused. "I was?"
She nods. "Sure... you were just joking." She says it again, very slowly and significantly.
"I was just... joking," I repeat, mimicking her inflection exactly.
"Yup. And I mean, if I happen to take that joke seriously, then..." she trails off.
"Then..." I repeat.
"Then."
"Then."
There's this moment that follows: I'm looking at Jade and she's looking back at me and life is absolutely perfect. We're absolutely perfect. I feel like we need to celebrate somehow.
As if reading my mind, Jade asks, "Should we have sex now?"
"Well, I guess you're late to work anyway."
"And you're naked anyway."
I look down and nod. "Yeah, I just realized that. I'm impressed you were able to focus."
"Are you kidding?" she says as she sits at the edge of the bed and pulls me down to straddle her. "That was motivation."
I laugh and lean in to kiss her, sliding her still-unbuttoned shirt off her shoulders. She strips off her undershirt and grabs me, pulling me down on the bed. Undoing her pants and taking off her underwear, she lays her body on top of mine and kisses me deeply.
She rears back and looks at me, a strand of hair falling in her eyes. I reach up and push it aside, and for a moment, we just stop moving to look at each other, huge, matching grins overtaking our faces.
"Why are you smiling?" she asks me.
"Why are you smiling?" I shoot back.
"Um, we're about to have sex. Why wouldn't I be smiling?"
I laugh. I'm suddenly euphoric between the feeling of Jade over me, with me in every way and the realization that we'll get to be like this for the rest of our lives.
We're really going to do this.
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NOW - Jade
You're lying with your head on my shoulder, sliding your finger along the flesh between each of my ribs. Suddenly, you sit up and straddle me, the most pleasant of surprises.
"I feel like we should write our vows or something," you say.
"We got engaged—" I grab my watch from the nightstand. "An hour ago. Wow, an hour." I allow myself to be pleased with my stamina and you roll your eyes.
"Yeah, but I mean, what about striking while the iron is hot and all?"
"That's fine. But aren't we supposed to do them by ourselves?"
"Please. We couldn't even get engaged without telling each other about it first. You practically cried when you couldn't tell me about the whole... thing last week. The idea that we're going to actually ever going to be able to keep a secret from each other is both unbelievable and kind of unromantic." You shrug. "I like telling you things. It's fun."
I smile. I agree but I always like to argue with you anyway. "Surprises are fun, too."
"Yeah, but there's always a jack-in-the-box."
"A jack-in-the-box?"
"Yeah. Something that's supposed to be a fun surprise in theory, but turns out of just make you cry because clowns scare the shit out of you. And because you think that it's actually a dead clown coming to get you, because how could the clown breathe in that box and you're the first one to release them and—"
"Okay," I say. I motion for you to take a deep breath and you do. I grin. "I never knew that about you. It's weird."
"Yeah, I guess it is weird when there's still things we don't know about each other. I always feel like I know everything about you."
"No, I meant the whole jack-in-the-box thing is weird."
You make a face and flick me off—oh no, you're not giving me the middle finger. You're actually holding up your ring finger. I laugh. "Oh you're going to see all sorts of terrible things now that you've bound yourself to me for life, Thirlwall."
"There it is. My first vow. I vow to bind myself to you for the rest of my life."
"I vow to bind myself, too." You frown. "That sounds wrong."
"I vow that should this turn into the initial signs that you're developing a latent interest in bondage, I'll keep an open mind."
You crack up. "Oh, I like this game. Vows we can't really vow. I vow... to make sure I never choose cake over sex with you."
"I appreciate that. In return, I vow that I'll find a way to combine the two one day." I waggle my eyebrows and you press your palm to my cheek, teasingly turning my face away as you laugh.
"You look like such a dirty old man when you do that."
"Soon I'll be your dirty old man."
"I vow..." You think for a moment and then smile wickedly. "I vow to get over my aversion to doggy-style."
I think my jaw might hang open a bit, because you grind into my hips a tiny bit as you say that. On purpose, because you're such a tease and I love it. I may be getting older, but it's like a single look from you can get me back up as quickly as when I was a teenager.
"Really?"
You grin. "Really. I mean, it's more the implication of the name."
"So you've said."
"It's stupid but still," you say. I'm still a little tired though, not quite ready for round two yet, so I bring my knees up so you can use them as a backrest. "I don't want to be a dog. That's just so unsexy."
"It's not an insult. And it's not even solely directed towards you. I mean, if you're a dog, then I'm a dog, too."
You laugh. "How very The Notebook of you."
I frown. "Was that English?"
You swat me lightly. "It's from the movie, The Notebook. That one with Ryan Gosling?" I shrug. "And Rachel McAdams?"
"Oh, she's hot."
"She totally is. So you remember the scene where—"
"I still have no idea what movie you're talking about."
You roll your eyes. "Okay, well, there's this scene and they're teenage sweethearts and she tells him to say she's a bird."
"Why?"
"I don't know. It's just being playful."
"Um, okay."
"It's cute!"
"If you say so."
"Anyway, she tells him to say she's a bird, and then—it's sort of really romantic, even though it's cheesy—he says, 'if you're a bird, I'm a bird.'"
I give you a skeptical look. "That's what you find romantic? After that whole proposal, you find that romantic?"
"It's cute. Not as awesome as your proposal, no, but still."
"Fine." I pause. "How'd we start talking about this? We were talking about sex—doggie style, to be specific—and you diverted us. To birds."
You laugh. "Well, now we're talking about birdie-style."
I make a face. "How do birds even have sex?"
You shrug. "I have no idea." We're silent for a few moments; I have no doubt you're contemplating the mechanics of bird sex but I can't stop thinking about how awesome this is. I'm engaged to someone who is willing to talk about bird sex with me. Who'll agree about hot Hollywood actresses. Who thought she was commitment phobic but told me to propose bare-ass naked and still makes fun of me, years later, because I made the mistake of once calling Yanni talented.
"How about this for a vow?" I say. "I vow that if you're some crazy girl who makes up weird names for sex, then I'm the crazy girl who loves you anyway."
You smile and say, "A little long-winded. But a sweet, if not verbose, sentiment."
I stretch my legs out and sit up to kiss you. "How about 'I vow that if you're Perrie, then I'll love you.'"
You smile and kiss me back, then pull away suddenly. "But what if I get amnesia and don't remember my name or who I am? Then I won't be Perrie. That happened to Rachel McAdams too."
"Seriously? This must be one long movie."
You chuckle. "No, this is a different one. But based on books by the same author. I think."
"Why is this author such a downer?"
You shrug. "I don't know but if he was scripting our lives, there'd definitely be some tragedy. I'd learn I had a heart disease just as we got together. It's symbolic: I learned my heart was defective just as I finally learned to use it."
"Wow. That's deep."
"Right? And you'd go deaf."
"What's that symbolic of?"
"It's not. It's retribution for listening to Yanni."
I'm sure we could continue talking for hours—we never seem to run out of things to say to each other. But you tug on the back of my neck and pull me toward you and I don't think you want to talk anymore. In fact, when you slide off my lap and pull me to the edge of the bed, arranging us in a very particular position that I won't name even in my head since you don't like it, I think you're interested in making one of our vows start right now.
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