It was midnight — crickets singing, moon out. All I could hear were the notes, all I could see was the black and white. Music pushed the air out of the room. He walks, step by step, my life the sum of two feet. My fingers prowled over the keys, foot working the soft pedal.
"CHAAANNIE!"
Felix was screaming in the middle of the room. I had learned to tune him out a long time ago.
Chan came careening downstairs and took Felix by the shoulders.
"What did you see? Is Aro attacking? Does someone have eyes on Changbin?!"
"Nah, nah, there's a phone call for you."
The phone rang a second later.
"Oh." Chan dropped his arms. "Alrighty, then. Thanks, kiddo."
"Anytime, big bro."
Felix strutted off, and Chan answered the phone.
"This is Dr. Chan Bang, I'll fix ya up in a bang, how can I help you on this fine — sweet Jesus — very early morning?"
As he spoke with his patient, half his mind was listening to me. He eyed me from the landline. Once he hung up, he came over and leaned on the piano's lid.
So, Mr. Campbell got ranch dressing in his eye and thinks he's going blind. How urgent do you think that is?
I shrugged. "It wouldn't be blinding, but the conjunctiva could get infected. Why, you got something else to do?"
Yeah. One of my pups is working on something and I'd like to join him.
I smiled a little. "Much more important."
A new one, eh? Have a name for it?
"Not yet."
Emotional. Mellow. Goodness, very emotional.
"Uh-huh."
Lyrics?
"Haven't gotten to it." Lie.
Want some help?
"Um. I dunno. It's kinda personal."
Personal how?
I sighed and eased into the bridge. "Can't you hear?"
I assumed. You gonna show him?
"No. That'd be creepy, right? 'I've known you for two days — here's a ballad I wrote for you while I don't sleep because I'm a vampire.'"
He'd think it's cute.
"Why?"
Because you're courting. Or, that's what Hyunjin told me.
"We're not courting." My fingers plonked awkwardly off the keys. "But I'm in love with him."
Chan's eyebrows popped up. Strong words, boyo.
"It's true."
I believe you. It's a love song, then?
"Not really. It's too pathetic to be a love song."
Love is never pathetic.
I rolled my eyes.
How dare you roll your eyes at me! Scoot, problem child. He bumped me over with his butt and sat.
I laughed. "What about your patient?"
He can wait. Ranch isn't spicy. Er, right?
I shrugged.
Righty-ho, let's get to it. Chan cracked his knuckles the way he always did.
There was a series of thumps and bangs above our heads, and then Changbin was throwing himself over the railing. He landed next to me — the bench shuddered.
"You gotta stop doing that, you're gonna break the damn thing," I said.
"I heard Chan crack his knuckles, which meant you're working on music. Without me. You think you can just cut me out like that? Good luck, traitors." He rolled his sleeves up to his forearms and aggressively played a piece by Scott Joplin.
"Changbin, you're an invaluable part of this team and we're glad you're here," Chan said. "Jisung, you know what your li'l song could use?"
"Don't say it."
"A bassline! Be right back." He skittered off to find his synthesizer.
Changbin mussed my hair. "You really wrote a love song?"
"Guess so."
"Can't wait to hear this uplifting ditty."
I elbowed him. "It's not that."
Chan came back with his synth and sat down with it on his lap. "Play it again, Jisungie."
I took a breath and let my fingers down on the keys.
~ * ~
Running... was like flying. The feeling hadn't changed since the first time — back in 1895. I had been fresh off a post-change anxiety attack, mourning my own life, so thirsty I thought I was dying (again). The wind tearing the skin off my face had been a release, an incredible high. And I'd known incredible highs very well.
If running was flying, then hunting was free-falling. It was the surrender of control, the regression to something less human and more animal. I could feel my brain slipping away.
I crouched on all fours, back arched, fangs jutting out past my lips, and roared at the bear in front of me. He roared back.
I sprang forward and grabbed the bear by clumps of his fur, reaching for his neck. He tried to buck me off, snarling, saliva dripping from his jowls. I wanted to make it quick. Even in my bloodlust, I knew I'd soon feel guilty for taking his life.
I wrapped my arms around his throat and jerked them closed. Something popped and cracked — he whined in pain. His heart gave a few more beats before his body sank to the mossy ground.
I crawled to his throat and tore my teeth into his skin.
~ * ~
"You made fast work of that bear."
Seungmin sat next to me, dangling his legs off the sharp cliff. Grey skies stretched out over us in every direction, green trees beneath our feet.
"I hate killing bears — they have so much... personality? I dunno."
"At least they get to have a bit of fun in their last minutes."
"How do you know it's fun for them?"
"I don't. We could, if you figured out bear language." Seungmin shoved my head. "You can hear their brains, can't ya?"
"If it was possible to learn an animal's language, someone would've done it already."
"You should just practice. Try to speak it yourself. Like this." He growled into the open air. It echoed a little. I did the same.
"What the hell are you doing?" Hyunjin came up behind us.
"We're speaking bear," Seungmin said. "You find something?"
"Yep — a couple deer. Had to chase them into a backyard. I tripped into a hammock, but it's okay, I got out." He sat down next to Seungmin. "Before you started growling at nothing, you didn't happen to be talking about Minho, did you?"
"No. You're obsessed with Minho." I was aware of the irony.
"Dude, this is something to obsess over," Hyunjin said. "I've known you since oh-nine. I thought you'd sooner join the Volturi than get a boyfriend."
I dug my thumb into my temple. "I don't have a boyfriend."
"You will soon. He obviously has a crush on you, he told you he's gay. How long have you even known each other? Two and a half days? That ain't normal."
"How... how do you know he came out to me? That was in the car." I punched both their shoulders at the same time. "You were spying on us?!"
"C'mon!" Hyunjin crooned. "You can't blame us for being excited. This is the most interesting thing that's happened since Chan won that rodeo."
"Plus Felix said it would be a good idea," Seungmin said. "You know, because of your crazy need to drink Minho's blood."
"And class was so boring!"
I was about to chew them out — standing, a better angle for superiority — but a snarl came from the trees behind us. A bear barrelled out of the woods, angry, roaring. Jeongin was on his back, hanging on tight as the bear spun and jerked, trying to knock him off.
"On your left!" he yelled. "Shit! Get outta the way!"
We jumped to the side as the bear staggered and fell off the edge of the cliff, taking Jeongin with him. The two bodies plummeted into the trees hundreds of feet below.
"Jesus," I murmured.
"He's okay," said Seungmin.
Hyunjin put his arm around me and sat me down on the cliff again. "I'm gonna tell you a story, Bert. When I was young, I was so confused, so lonely — you remember. This one time in the twenties, someone very special told me to ask myself, 'what do I want to be doing in a hundred years?' You know what my answer was?"
"No, but I'm guessing it has some vague connection to my problem."
"You're right. My answer was 'I want to be with my family, confess to those I love most" — a mushy glance at Seungmin — "and I want to heal.'"
"That's..." I let my head down on his shoulder. "Really nice."
"Jisung, what do you wanna be doing in a hundred years?"
The only thought in my head was Minho. Minho, Minho, Minho.
"Don't think," Seungmin said. "Just say what comes to mind."
"Minho."
"What about him?"
"Just him. I want to be with all you guys, and I want him to be there, too." I shook my head and pulled myself up straight. "Never mind. I don't really want that."
"Yes, you do."
"Yeah, I do. But I... can't have it. He'd have to be a vampire to be here in a hundred years. That won't happen."
"What if it did, though?" Hyunjin said.
"It won't."
"He could ask for it. To be turned, you know, once he knows you better."
"He won't. Even if he did, I couldn't do that to him. He's got so much life to live. He's meant to live."
Jeongin scaled the side of the cliff and sat next to Seungmin. "What're we talking about?"
"Minho," I said. "They're obsessed with him."
Jeongin snorted. "Okay, buddy."
~ * ~
Once we were home, the four of us went our separate ways. Hyunjin and Seungmin cuddled on the wrap-around couch, heckling the TV screen. I went upstairs and loitered next to my notebooks, my stereo — briefly considered going back downstairs to play piano — and ended up face-down on my couch.
The Baby came up a few minutes later. Moping?
"It's what I'm best at."
In the mood for robots, or is your schedule all full up?
I looked over at him and huffed an affirmation.
He disappeared and reappeared with our latest project in his hands. He plopped down crosslegged on the carpet.
I fell off the couch and joined him. The second I touched the leg, a screw fell out.
I think we need a screwdriver, he thought.
"I'll get it." I hauled myself up and flitted to the garage. I stole a screwdriver from Seungmin's tool chest.
When I got back to my room, Jeongin narrowed his eyes at me.
You asked Seungmin for that, right? Remember what he did to Changbin in eighty-four?
"I know, I know, he's scary, but he has a soft spot for me."
Jeongin took the screwdriver, cheeks dimpled up. Just be careful. He might revoke mechanic privileges if he thinks I was a part of your little scheme. The convertible needs work, Jisung, it still doesn't sound right after Haseong's dough expanded into the garage.
"And you use that convertible so much."
Sometimes tasteful things aren't practical.
"You're stuck in the sixties."
Maybe I am. At least I didn't choose that psycho-killer-mobile.
"It was a consensus to get that car — it's quiet, the windows are dark, the insides are washable. Trust me, I woulda gotten a Beetle if it'd been up to me."
We should've said screw it and gotten a van — then one of us wouldn't have to sit on somebody else's lap every day.
"Hyunjin'll resent you for that."
Now he's someone I'm not afraid of.
We worked on our project until the sun was setting. Another day gone.
What should we name this one? Jeongin asked.
"Hmm. Maybe something from Lovecraft? Or Dostoevsky? I'm feeling very Dostoevsky today."
Alyona, then.
"Make sure to keep her away from Rodya."
Jeongin rolled his eyes but he was smiling.
Changbin leaned on the doorframe, arms crossed. "You two finished your toy yet?"
"It's not a toy," Jeongin sniffed.
"It literally is, but whatever you say. Haseong left a note — it's our turn to go on compost duty."
"It's not my turn," I said.
"Uh, yeah, it is. Last time Chan subbed in for you 'cause you were feeling down, and the time before that you were shitting around in Denali."
I sighed. "Fine. When are we going?"
"Felix says it's safe now."
"Did someone get gloves?" Jeongin's eyes were big and puppy-like. "I hate touching human food."
"Let's check." I inhaled. "Hyunjin!"
He peeked into the room, one glove stretched over his head, fingers inflated. "Yes?"
"That's all."
"Okey-doke." He left.
A low growl echoed throughout the house. From the garage. Jeongin and I cringed.
"Was that Seungmin?" Changbin asked.
"Jisung borrowed his screwdriver," Jeongin said.
"Welp, it was nice knowing you."
Seungmin came in on all fours, nose to the floor, sniffing aggressively. He crawled between Changbin's legs.
"What the hell!" Changbin yelled, stumbling.
"Outta the way, goober."
Seungmin prowled right up to me and snuffled in my face. I stared at him, expressionless.
"You took my screwdriver," he said.
"Yeah. Sorry." I passed it to him. He kept my hand and gave it a few slaps.
"Do it again and I'll end you."
"Is that a promise?"
"You're just gonna let him off the hook?" Changbin exclaimed. "I borrowed thirty bucks from your wallet and you buried me in the backyard!"
"I have a soft spot for pathetic losers." Seungmin smiled at me. "Jisung fits the bill."
"Told ya he has a soft spot for me," I said to Jeongin.
"You shouldn't brag about that," he replied.
Seungmin left the room, sizing Changbin up as he walked by. Jeongin, Changbin and I grabbed some rubber gloves from the kitchen and bolted out the front door.
Forks high school didn't have the best food waste management. Every time they were about to send their food scraps to the landfill — unsorted, mixed in with actual garbage — my brothers and I would break in and do their work for them.
It wasn't the most fun of all our responsibilities to humanity. First, we had to sneak in through the vents, which always stirred up my claustrophobia. Then we had to find the garbage bags and haul them back to the house — slowly, so the plastic wouldn't rip.
A heightened sense of smell and rotting food weren't the best combination. As we sorted the half-eaten pig sandwiches from the crumpled juice boxes, Changbin stopped frequently to dry-heave.
"What" — he retched — "was that?"
"I think it was a retainer," Jeongin said.
He gagged again, holding his knees for support.
After the food scraps were in Haseong and Hyunjin's compost pile, we returned the garbage bags to school.
Finally home, I wandered around like a ghost for rest of the evening.
~ * ~
Brooding again, in the arms of a grand fir, I watched the sky change colour. It was finally Minho day. I was so ready to see him again — I'd been ready for days, at this point I was desperate.
The sun came up slowly, but the clouds did not move in to cover it. I froze. My hand gripped the bark — it splintered under the force. I watched tensely, waiting, until the shining sun was high above me. It was seven-thirty already. I felt my skin glimmer — a soft tickle across my face.
I took a breath.
"Shit!"
Crows flared from the trees around me, squawking.
I leapt to the ground and shot home. My brothers were already on the porch, lounging in our lawn chairs, skin sparkling. The Baby had a sun reflector splayed in front of his face, and Hyunjin was drowning in plastic, blowing up a kiddy pool.
Sorry, bro, Felix thought as I walked by. It ain't your day.
Haseong was in the kitchen, shucking pages off a newspaper — probably looking for the coupons.
I leaned over the table. My fingers grasped at the formica. "Please."
He looked up at me and shook his head. "Sorry, sticks. We're 'going camping' today."
"But Minho is at school!" My voice was whiney and shrill, like Haseong could put the sun in his pocket and solve all my problems. "You're God, do something!"
"I don't know why you kids say I'm God all the time, I'm literally just a guy."
Chan walked into the kitchen. "Then why have I devoted my life to worshipping you?" He kissed Haseong on the head.
"Chan," I said, "listen — I'll go to school, stay indoors, in the shadows, wear sunglasses and a scarf. Nobody'll see my skin, yeah?"
"No. You know it's too dangerous. Light is a weird thing — you can't predict what it'll get up to."
"What if Felix can?" I ran out of the room and swung out the front door. "Felix, what happens if we go to school today?"
"Other than a dope-ass light show? Nothing much — calculus."
"So it goes bad?"
"Eighty percent, it goes supernatural. You should listen to Chan and Haseong."
"Why didn't you see this coming — why didn't you tell me?"
Felix arched one eyebrow. "Slipped my mind. Guess I was focussing on Minho's futures. You know, because I care about you — and him, for that matter."
I cupped my face in my hands. "Thank you. You're appreciated. I'm indebted to you."
"I know."
"Stop scooting around, pull up a chair." Hyunjin handed the pool nozzle to Seungmin and picked up his camera. He snapped a picture of my pathetic face. "Aw, cute."
"Sorry. I don't feel like it today."
I plodded into the house and almost bumped into Changbin. He was in a t-shirt and swim trunks, sunglasses on, pool noodles tucked under his arm.
"You gotta be kidding me," I muttered.
Dude, unclench your asscheeks for two seconds and have a little fun.
"Says the lord of darkness?"
Y'all know that's just a front. He smacked my face with a noodle. When was the last time we had a sunny day? Like, nineteen ninety-three?
"It was supposed to be Minho day," I murmured, crossing my arms.
There's always tomorrow. Literally. We're never gonna die... well, I guess Minho will...
I fisted my hands in my hair and stomped off. I fell onto the couch and curled into fetal position.
Eventually the kiddy pool was blown-up, and they filled it with water from the hose. They turned the radio to an oldies station, basked in the sun and splashed each other, shrieking and laughing.
I stayed inside, unchanged.
~ * ~
"I just miss him. I really, really miss him."
"Uh-huh." Seungmin was toying with something in the hood of Jeongin's '64 Buick. The moonlight shone into the open garage door, the smell of oil in the air. I was slouched against the wall, twiddling a greasy spring between my fingers.
"He's such a good person. I've barely spent any time with him, but I feel like I know him. I feel like he let me know him."
"Huh, pass me the wrench."
I gave him something that looked like it could wrench something.
"This is a trowel."
"Sorry."
He got the wrench himself.
"I love him. Have I told you that? Have I told anyone that? I'm beyond in love with him."
"Mmhmm, cool — have you seen, like, a whole carburetor laying around?"
"Are you even listening to me?"
"Watch your mouth, shrimp, you're on thin ice for that stunt you pulled earlier."
"You haven't used that screwdriver all day."
"Literally, what am I doing right now?" He aggressively screwed a square of plastic to a big grey thing under the hood.
"Oops. Guess I was distracted by this thing. Look, look." I flicked the spring and it twanged back and forth.
Seungmin marched over and snatched it out of my hands. He reached into a drawer and yanked out a pink baby rattle.
"Hell is this?" I said.
"I keep it for Hyunjin when he gets too clingy."
"I'm not Hyunjin, and I'm not a baby—"
"It has a bell in it."
I shook it and it jingled. "Ooh." I shook it again.
Seungmin smirked and headed back to the car. He reached in, elbow-deep, and pulled out something with an electrocution warning on it.
"So about Minho," I said, "did you know he likes cats? He had one but it died. I wonder if that hurt him."
"It hurt like hell when Brush died."
"We're not talking about Brush!" Felix yelled from the other side of the house.
"I don't want him to hurt," I said, "ever. It would kill me if he's sad. I love him so much." I dropped my head onto my knees. "God, it hurts how much I love him."
"Of course it does," Seungmin laughed.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You make everything a big goddamn deal — or, in other words, J.E.C.O.C.S.T."
"What did you just do with your face?"
"It's an acronym. Jisung's Ethical Crisis Over-analysis and Consequent Situational Transmutation."
"That's stupid."
"But you have to admit it's exactly what you do. You think until everything turns to shit."
I pouted. "You all know me too well. It gets weird."
"Tell me about it. Look, you'll see him at school tomorrow — maybe the next day. The sun won't last too long."
"But I wanna see him now." I slouched closer to the concrete floor.
"Just go to his house or something — and stop bugging me about it."
"I can't do that, either — that's beyond creepy."
"Then go spy on him, for peace of mind."
"What, hiding in the shadows? In his closet? Amongst the bushes? I might as well be a stranger to him — it's creepy that I miss him, that I love him, that I'm thinking about him at all. He'd be completely disgusted if he knew any of this."
"J.E.C.O.C.S.T."
"It isn't g-coststst, it's stalking."
"Then don't stalk him. But I'll bet anything that he'd like it if you had more time together."
"Anything? Even those fancy needle nose pliers over there?"
"That's a pen."
"Oh."
I heard Felix's breath catch in the distance. It was barely a second before he careened into the garage, swerved to miss the convertible and crashed headfirst into a shelf stacked with car parts. The shelf pitched over and landed on top of him, rattling and clanking against the paved floor. Seungmin and I watched, trying not to laugh.
Felix pulled himself out from under the rubble. "Jisungie, he's in danger!"
The smile fell off my face. Felix's vision flooded into my head like a dam broke between us.
Minho in an alley, pushed up against a chainlink fence, hurt, terrified, alone in the cold, spitting rain.
"He's in Port Angeles," Felix panted. "He wanted to find a bookstore — he just decided. He gets lost and four men mug him." Felix grabbed my shoulders and shook. "You have to go and save him! Go get him!"
I slipped out of Felix's clutches, into my car, and raced down the drive.
-------------------------------------------------------
I used to have a big outro where I screamed about how good the levanter album is — but after the JYPE announcement yesterday, I took all that out.
I've thought about it all a lot, wrote a lot of drafts, talked with my mom (thanks mom), and what I'm thinking now is: I trust Jisung. Despite his aegyo and chubby cheeks and giggles, he's a grown-ass man. He should do what's right for him, and I'll do what's right for me, which is —
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