Oops, I did it again.
I vowed to my beloved wife Meredith that I would never lay eyes on another woman.
But does it count?
I only thought they were a woman at first.
Their long, golden brown hair swayed in the wind and I just couldn't help myself, I snipped a lock off for my collection. He (Who I thought was a she) spun around the speed of Satan and splashed unholy water on my crimson face.
"I just got my hair done, you witch!"
"Jesus, is that really you?"
"Who else would it be you biznitch."
I took a step backwards making sure Jesus's lock of hair was clasped tightly in the palm of my hand behind my back.
"Oh honey, hell to the no."
With that Jesus reached behind my back and yanked his snipped hair right out of my hand. All I remember thinking was that his hair was the final piece to my collection, the last shade I needed to complete my set of 12,737 locks of hairs.
I lunged at him, quickly grabbing the snipped lock of hair, however this lead to a version of tug of war that had never been played before. I pulled with all my might, and with the power that had been invested in me by God I toppled backwards to the ground, Jesus's face inches away from mine.
A electrical feeling pulsed throughout my whole body.
It felt stronger than the time Meredith threw a toaster into the bath tub I was lying in when she told me we were playing the 'quiet' game.
With the hair far down my pocket I closed the gap between our two faces and pressed my lips against his. His breathe smelt like new born children and a meadow full of pansies.
Jesus pulled me off the ground, our faces literally stuck together with glue ( I always carry a tube of super glue in my beard, it's contents squeezed out during our romantic pash) and layed me in a puddle.
Our connection felt so strong it reminded me so much of the feeling when you stick a butter knife into a toaster.
Jesus riped off his face - no, a face mask and I saw Merediths face.
She reached into her pocket and grabbed out a taser which she then used to try and electrocute me. However, with my quick reflexes I grabbed Meredith and spun us around so that we had both changed positions.
I grab a bottle of pocket holy water from my beard and quickly baptised her in the shallow puddle of water.
With the taser that is.