.................................................
Remus jolted himself out of the memories, forcing himself to take deep breaths. It all made sense now, it all made complete sense.
He had seen a monster, had in fact seen Greyback, or what at the time he had only referred to as the Shadowman. A faceless large man who had haunted his nightmares ever since the day he had been snatched away from the life he'd never know again.
The werewolf shuddered and slid off his chair and under the table, wanting to make himself small. It was a boggart. Remus knew that now, had read about them in a book. He probably would have come to the conclusion himself back when he was faced with one if he hadn't been so terrified. He had lost all sense, lost all control, which was something Remus Lupin despised, and simply could not let happen.
Bested by a boggart seemed like an awfully shameful sentence. How was he going to explain to his friends that he had been so scared of a shape-shifting creature? But when that creature shape-shifted into something that terrorized him most nights, well, it had seemed perfectly reasonable at the time to not even attempt to unlock the door with magic and instead fling himself out of a window. Anything it took to get away from the monster, 'the man.'
How on earth could he tell his friends it wasn't Professor Blavatnik? Remus now felt terrible about suspecting him, and guilty that he had seemed to blatantly ignore his professor's warnings. No wonder Professor Blavatnik disliked him!
In no time at all had Remus gone from possibly being a future prefect to continuing to cause trouble with James and Sirius, plus Peter, throwing away his chances. But it also wasn't like the Slytherins had thrown him out a window. They probably hadn't even considered anyone would be so stupid to do such a thing.
It had been Remus, himself, and the fear that had caused him to jump. He felt like such an imposter. He certainly didn't belong in the Gryffindor house. He should have told the hat to put him in Ravenclaw instead. Apparently, the hat listened to requests like that.
Then he'd be surrounded by studious students, not energetic, rule-breaking, far-too-curious ones. But even the thought of not having his friends left Remus feeling hollow, cold, and scared. How had he survived without friends before?
He couldn't imagine such an existence again, no matter what his father said, no matter how selfish it was for him to possibly put them in harm's way one day.
Remus knew if he had been saying all of his thoughts out loud to Sirius, the boy would laugh and point out that he and James had put Remus in harm's way with the Slytherins, and that they were mates. Dealing with harm together was just what was done. It made him feel even worse about fighting with Sirius, and he wished he could take it back.
The badly shaking boy wrapped his arms tight around himself in an attempt to stop. There wasn't even a boggart here, and the mere recollection of one was sending him into a panic all over again. He had to fix that. He had to know he wouldn't freeze up or attempt to blindly escape if he ever saw Greyback again, or any other type of danger. Remus had to fight. He was sick of running. He had to be able to control even his fear. He just had to.
"Remus?" came James questioning uncertain voice, surprisingly close by.
Remus was so startled he jolted, slamming his already throbbing head on the table above it.
"Ouch!" he cried.
"Jeez, mate! Are you alright?" his friend continued sounding alarmed.
He blinked back tears and peered at James, who was bending over and looking concerned.
"I...." Remus began, unsure what he would have allowed himself to say, if anything, though certainly not the truth.
"Potter, I said I would check the library! Oh, you found him. Remus, are you ok?"
Remus felt his face go warm as Lily stopped a few feet away, trying to see under the table but blocked by James. Both seemed to be looking at Remus, trying to figure out what to do.
Glad he wasn't crying anymore, Remus wiped the few tears that had sprung to his eyes, more from shock than pain at hitting his head. However, he was still shaking badly. He was afraid if he opened his mouth he would spill everything. Then realizing Sirius wasn't there, that the person who would rush off and get badly hurt by his cousin was currently absent, made him realize this might be just the right time to explain things.
Lily would be upset. James would be furious and want to rush off, but Remus knew he could talk him down. He just wasn't sure he could talk Sirius down.
However, as much of a relief it was to not have Sirius there, Remus also felt disappointed in his absence. He had yelled at him, wanted him to back off, and still, he felt hurt Sirius hadn't come looking for him too. Was he mad at Remus? What if he stopped being friends with him altogether? Remus blinked back more tears as James told Lily to give Remus a minute.
"You ok, mate?" James asked uncertainly, still blocking Lily from seeing Remus, who no doubt looked like he might burst into tears any minute. Remus appreciated James' thoughtfulness and nodded, crawling out from under the table. He wondered if the lamps had been quite so bright before.
"Remus, why on earth didn't you go to Madam Pomfrey?" Lily asked, brushing James out of the way and reaching to help him up. Remus leaned against her slightly for a moment before the room stopped spinning and tried to speak over the ringing in his ears.
"I was...going to get a book...but I...I got my memories back..." he explained slowly, swaying slightly where he stood. James put a hand on his shoulder to steady him, his eyes widening when he realized what Remus meant.
"You did? What happened?" James asked.
Remus winced at the sheer volume in which James had spoken, wondering why on earth his friend was yelling.
"Shhh," Remus shushed, desperate for some quiet.
"Oh, sorry. You don't look too good, mate."
"Of course he doesn't look good! He must have a concussion. Come on Remus, let's get you to the Matron. A simple Nautice Healing Drought can cure a concussion in seconds. You should have gone straight there," she scolded him gently.
"Yeah, yeah let's go. But what did you remember?" James whispered eagerly to him as he started helping Remus to the medical wing.
"Later," Remus whispered back. It was best he sorted his thoughts out about it all first. Besides, telling James and Lily at the same time would most likely end up with an argument, and his head was hurting too much to deal with that right now.
"What did you remember, Remus?" Lily asked multiple times as they walked, quite relentless. Remus wondered if she suspected the Slytherins and was herself worried about Severus' possible involvement. Or maybe she was just curious and awkward. Both Lily and James weren't at each other's throats and that seemed to be the only way they knew how to communicate with one another.
"What did you remember about your accident?" she pressed.
"Don't call it that. It wasn't an accident. Isn't that right Remus?"
"Well don't just go assuming you know, Potter. You don't know everything!" Lily huffed, sounding almost relieved to have something to go off on him about.
"You wouldn't know even if I did," James boasted.
"Would too! But you clearly don't since that is just ludicrous!"
"Lily Evans, one day you'll realize I know more than you think I do," James muttered. Remus almost fell to the floor as James twisted to give Lily what was probably a smug look.
"Will not!" she shot back no doubt looking as offended as she sounded.
"Will too," James taunted, sounding pleased with himself now.
Remus let out a pained groan and they both abruptly stopped, an awkward silence filling in the place of their bickering once again. Remus realized they must somehow like bickering with each other, which was awfully strange to him.
"So...what...well, honestly Remus, can't you just tell us now?" Lily ventured after a few tense minutes.
"Maybe he doesn't want to tell you, Lily."
"Of course he wants to tell me. Right, Remus?" she added, sounding a little worried. Remus let out a groan in response and James said "see" as if that proved anything.
"Fine, I'll tell you..."
He finally gave in realizing he'd be driven to insanity by the two of them if he didn't. He explained the Slytherins kidnapped him and hauled him off planning to use him as bait. He told them they roughed him up a bit and that him actually falling from the window was an accident, though he didn't mention the boggart and he didn't mention any names.
"Names! I want names Remus, give me names so I can-"
"James, please calm down." Lily looked like she wanted to ask for names too, but they had reached the hospital wing so she said nothing.
As they entered, the Matron bustled over. Remus got to spend the next fifteen minutes listening to her scold him about how he should have come here right away.
"Honestly Remus, you of all people should know better about coming to the hospital wing in a timely fashion," she fretted.
He stiffened at that comment. Luckily, James and Lily seemed too preoccupied arguing about who was actually supposed to search the library to pay attention.
"Madam Pomfrey," he pleaded, now feeling all better. Lily was right, it only took about a minute of him taking the draught to feel physically much better.
"Well I'm sorry, but it's the truth. Honestly boy, what am I going to do with you?" she tsked. Remus hung his head, feeling bad. He was upset she had said the comment out loud. But she was right, he really ought to know better.
"I'm sorry, Madam Pomfrey."
"Yes, I suppose you are. Unnecessary pain, that's all you got out of it."
He almost said, "and my memories," but he wasn't entirely sure the Matron wouldn't go after the Slytherins herself if she found out.
"Is it alright if I go now? I really am sorry," he continued.
Her stern expression finally softened as she gazed at his earnest guilt-filled eyes. She let out an exasperated sigh, "Yes, you can go now. Take this with you, dear. You look a bit peaky still."
He tried to refuse the chocolate bar she handed him, the expensive good kind at that, feeling much too guilty to eat it. But the Matron was a persuasive and stubborn woman. In the end, she won, so he left the hospital wing nibbling on chocolate he was failing at not enjoying.
"Well, I for one am glad you are feeling better," Lily exclaimed as they left with him, Her eyes lingering on James before looking Remus over, satisfied he was, in fact, better.
"Don't say it like I'm not, you git," James retorted.
"Git? Did you just call me a git? I'm not the git. You're the git, you insufferable toe rag!"
Remus wanted to groan again but he didn't have the excuse of a headache to do so. Although he would have one again if the two of them didn't give it a rest.
"Oi, there you lot are! Peter and I have been looking everywhere."
He felt a great deal of relief as Sirius and Peter appeared. Both had been looking for him in the secret passageways, though they just said "passageways" due to Lily being present.
"We found him in the library," James explained, now looking at Sirius approaching with his long strides and Peter rushing to catch up.
"And you didn't think to tell us," Sirius demanded, sounding irritated. As they got closer Remus could see Peter was covered in a great amount of dust and Sirius' robes' sleeve was torn.
"Well, I was supposed to be the one searching in the library, not Potter," Lily spoke up in her defense quickly.
"Yes, but I got there first since I actually bothered to run unlike a certain stuck-up--"
"So basically, you were both too caught up with one another to bother," Sirius concluded, smirking as Lily and James both urgently shouted this was not the case.
Remus quickly looked away as he felt Sirius' eyes finally go to him. Their fight somehow felt like it had been ages ago, and he wasn't entirely sure how to act around him now.
"Well, I'm glad you're ok Remus. Sirius and I got a bit lost," Peter concluded.
"No Peter, you got lost," Sirius corrected, sounding annoyed. Remus was pretty sure he was a large part of the cause as to why.
"Well anyways, Remus remembered what happened and it wasn't Professor Blavatnik." Remus wanted to stop James but he had blurted it out too fast and the damage was done. If he felt Sirius' gaze on him before, he now felt him burning holes through him with sheer intensity.
"Professor? You fools honestly suspected a professor," Lily sounded both horrified and satisfied, as if that single statement had confirmed everything she had ever suspected about the foolish Gryffindor boys.
"Not the point, Evans. Well since Remus has gone mute, care to fill me in?"
"Us in...." Peter reminded him.
"Yeah whatever, Peter. Us in?"
"Later," Remus cut in before James could open his big mouth. Several older students walked past them, ignoring them but making them all realize this probably wasn't the best place to talk.
"Alright, back in our dorm then."
"Well, I want to hear more about it too," Lily pointed out.
There was a silence that followed that statement. All of them were a bit shocked Lily wanted to be in a room with the four of them at once, voluntarily.
"No girls allowed," James said, quite obnoxiously.
"I'll fill you in later Lily, I promise," Remus quickly responded before she could. He chanced a glance at her and saw the hurt in her eyes at being left out.
"Fine. Boys are so dumb," she muttered to herself. She stalked off, to no doubt find some "sane" females to talk to. Though personally, Remus didn't find them any saner than boys.
"Now that she's gone, Sirius and I found another passage," Peter declared.
"Peter, I said later. Don't change the subject," Sirius interjected.
"But..." he protested.
"So that's why you two look so peculiar. What happened?" Remus asked.
Sirius was forced to re-tell, as he said Peter wouldn't do the story justice, how he and Peter had stumbled into a secret passage within a secret passage. He was clearly quite excited.
When James asked 'why,' he sounded shocked they didn't already know, "Why, Bimble the Bambezel, of course!"
"What?" James replied.
"Huh?" Peter squeaked out in surprise, still jittery from the earlier adventure it seemed.
"Sirius, you've finally lost it," Remus declared.
"Oh shut it. Bambezel is a legend. My uncle told me all about Miss Bambezel."
"Your uncle?" Remus repeated.
James had more important questions, "Her first name was Bimble?"
"She was a Slytherin who actually wanted to have a good time. Sort of like Patricia, only-"
"Only Patricia isn't evil," James cut in, sounding cold.
"Neither was Bimble, you moron. Now listen..."
Remus was quite amused by the end of the story about the female student who had graduated before Sirius' uncle even attended school, but whose legend had preceded her. Apparently, the legend went that the poor girl would get lost all the time and ended up spending the summer at Hogwarts because no one could find her. It sounded like an awfully tall tale that Remus suspected Sirius was embellishing, especially when he explained she found and fought off a dragon in one of the passages she marked as her own.
"Was there a carving of a sun somewhere in the passageway then?" James asked, now thoroughly invested in the legend.
"Well, we didn't get to look since Peter fell through and was freaking out. I knicked my robe on something sharp, rescuing him from what turned out to be seaweed."
"Seaweed?" James sounded rather dubious now, as if he thought Sirius might have made the whole thing up. To be fair, Remus would have thought the same if it wasn't for the fact that Peter was covered in dust and Sirius' torn sleeve.
"It wasn't seaweed, Sirius, it was snakeskin," Peter whimpered, his little eyes wide with fright.
"No, it wasn't. Trust me, I wish we had found the rumored Basilisk. Can you imagine how mad my mum would be if I killed ol' Salazar's pet!" Sirius laughed at the notion. "But I didn't get to check, because Peter dragged me away before I could. He was so scared he nearly pissed himself."
"I was not," Peter rebuked.
"Were too!"
"Nifty Niffler," James called out to The Fat Lady, who commented on Peter's dust-covered state before swinging open.
Then she swung shut on Sirius and Peter, who were arguing. James seemed rather pensive now that they were about to discuss what he already knew a bit about. Remus wished for once it was someone else being dragged up to their dorm to reveal something important.