TW: Mentions of Past Traumatic Experience
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Remus felt terrible as he stalked off to see Madam Pomfrey. He had been doing such a good job at staying calm with Sirius. It hadn't been easy, especially after finding that stupid paper a few days ago.
He felt sick and shaky. They were going to find out. He had to make them stop somehow or they were going to find out! How many months would it take next year, when they were studying the moon during astronomy, for them to realize the pattern to his disappearances?
He had been trying all day long to wrack his mind for some sort of excuse: everything from how he helped his dad with his job which involved werewolves to the shameless lie his mother was one. In the end, he had just lost his patience with Sirius. He felt bad but also hopeful that maybe it would be enough. Maybe he had scared Sirius into leaving the matter be, at least for a little while. Remus' head was pounding.
He had yelled at his friend, yelled in anger, actual anger towards Sirius. Remus was still angry but also guilty, and his head kept pounding, pounding, pounding.
Pounding painfully and making it harder to stay calm with certain annoying roommates of his, the ones who invaded his privacy, tried to get him to play Quidditch, and cared about him.
He shook his head, forcing himself not to feel bad for yelling at Sirius. He wouldn't feel bad about it. No matter how sad and desperate Sirius looked, he wouldn't be fooled into expecting his tolerant friends to be tolerant enough to accept a werewolf.
He knew he should keep his promise and go to the medical ward, that he at least owed Sirius that. But he found himself walking right past it. He just couldn't seem to make his legs cooperate. So instead, he found himself walking to the library, for once hoping Lily wasn't there. He just needed a minute of peace and quiet, then promised himself that he would go back before they could all arrive with study materials and worry.
He sat down at the table, staring at the bookshelves and trying to figure out what was bothering him so much. Then it hit him so suddenly he nearly toppled backward in his chair.
He remembered!
He remembered exactly what had happened the night he fell out of the tower. He slumped into his chair. The feeling of betrayal that had been tugging at him now was much worse, now that the picture had finally become complete.
As he sat there shaking slightly from the remembrance of what had been a rather terrifying ordeal, he realized he had to tell the truth about Severus Snape. He had to tell Lily that her best friend was a traitorous Slytherin and caught up with the worst people. Then he realized he also had to tell Sirius, but he couldn't. James perhaps, or Andromeda even.
Feeling terribly tired he closed his eyes and found himself reliving that whole night over again, as if it had just happened, or currently was happening again.
.....................(January 13th, 1972)........................
He reached Professor Blavatnik's office, nervous and very much on edge, but didn't go in right away. After leaving Dorcas' party he had tossed around the idea of not showing up after hours as no student could be punished for that provided it wasn't detention they were skipping. But Remus had, upon leaving the Gryffindor common room, gone from feeling bad for forgetting Dorcas' birthday to anxiety on if Blavatnik had caught on that Remus had overheard the professor harass an older student the night before the poisonings had begun.
"Well, I suppose it's at least something you showed up," the professor greeted from the desk he sat at, diligently grading paper after paper. He finally looked up to meet his student's eyes, his expression unreadable. "I heard Ms. Meadows is having a celebration at the moment. This will only be a moment. Then you may return if you wish."
"Professor, am I in trouble?" Remus asked uncertainly, still having no clue why his professor wanted to speak to him privately. Professor Blavatnik raised a single eyebrow, looking thoroughly unamused.
"Are you in trouble? Tell me, Mr. Lupin, do you feel you should be?"
Remus felt taken aback by the question, weary that this may be some sort of trap. He was going to say no he did not. But he couldn't get Lily's glare out of his head over the swamp prank with the Slytherins that had gotten him into detention in the first place. Nor could he let go of the guilt over the disappointment and shame his father would surely feel once he learned about Remus' troublemaking.
"Yes, sir. I know what I did was wrong."
Professor Blavatnik looked irritated then sighed, "That is why you are here and your friends are not."
Remus was even more confused now but was beginning to realize his professor must not have known he overheard the conversation and abuse of power that one night. Slowly Remus began to grasp that he wasn't in danger. At least he hoped he wasn't.
"I don't understand, Professor Blavatnik," Remus began timidly, resisting taking a step back as the man stood up from his chair, and picked up the cane resting against his desk, gripping it tightly as he walked over.
"It's Blavatnik, Mr. Lupin, Blavatnik," the professor corrected with his usual air of disappointment and frustration over no one pronouncing his name right.
Again, Remus heard no difference. But he nodded solemnly as if he did.
"Do you know why you finished before your friends, Mr. Lupin?" the professor continued.
"No, sir."
"Come now, Mr. Lupin. You are one of the most talented students in my class. Surely you must have some semblance of an idea."
Of course, Remus had an idea. It was a pretty good idea, but it wasn't one he wanted to voice.
He glanced around nervously. If Professor Blavatnik knew he was a werewolf, surely he was going to capture him somehow. He imagined being an exhibit for his fellow Hogwarts students to poke at and be afraid of and he shuddered. Remus looked up, realizing Professor Blavatnik was watching him with his eyebrows raised. Remus felt his mouth go dry. Was he really going to make him admit it?
"N...none sir."
"Do not lie to me, Mr. Lupin, or you really will attend detention with your little friends again," Professor Blavatnik replied sounding, not so much angry and disgusted, as disappointed.
Remus felt like he was going crazy.
"Because I'm different from them, sir," he whispered. Remus was unsure what sort of mind games his professor was playing on him, but he thoroughly hated it.
"Different how?" came the sharp question. This time there was anger in his professor's voice as he stomped his cane on the ground as if thinking Remus was messing around with him.
If his professor already knew and Remus told him, then maybe that would convince the professor that he was a responsible werewolf, different from the monsters his professor seemed to despise. But if he didn't know and Remus admitted it, well, he couldn't let that happen. He considered his options carefully, more detention was nothing compared to being killed, sent to Azkaban, or kicked out of Hogwarts, or any of the many scenarios Remus often had nightmares about.
"Please don't make me say it," he whispered, unable to keep the edge of panic out of his voice.
There was a long silence, and Remus was sure any minute now he'd be stunned or killed or something. When no spell was fired at him, he hesitantly looked up to see his professor gazing at him confused, and surprisingly enough, concerned.
"Mr. Lupin, I am not entirely sure what you are implying, but you are wrong. I don't know if you are playing dumb or are actually dumber than I thought. But since I haven't got all night I'll just tell you. My detention gauges a student's level of guilt and remorse. That, Mr. Lupin, is why you finished way before the others. That is why I would hate to see a promising student like yourself weighed down by such...undedicated immature students. I don't want to see you pulled into their antics again. I expect better from certain students, especially ones that could be prefects in the future, understood? Still, I suppose you coming off-hours due to how busy I've been with the fifth year's end-of-term project is admirable. There's hope for you yet Lupin, you would be wise not to squander it."
Remus stared open-mouthed at his Professor.
"Now get out I have much more grading to do," the grumpy man dismissed him briskly, walking back to his desk and settling down once more before the mound of papers.
Remus left the office with his mind reeling. He hadn't even considered such an obvious option. He was much too preoccupied with it having something to do with his lycanthropy. His DADA professor was looking at him weirdly again, so he shut his mouth and nodded. He vaguely heard himself apologize and promise to do better before he was dismissed and further detention free. He went from feeling dreadful and panicked to light as a feather.
He had thought his professor must have hated him, must have found out about him. But he had said Remus was one of his most talented students! He felt a little dizzy from elation. He was succeeding all of his expectations at Hogwarts. He'd be sure to stay out of trouble, to keep his studies up, and not let his roommates be a bad influence on him.
He didn't think they were weighing him down, but he couldn't afford more detention, both for his father's sake and his own. Prefect!
Sure, such a thought had occurred to him, but he never had really felt he had what it took. However, having a professor's vote of confidence, a professor who didn't even seem to like him, made him realize for the first time ever it might be possible. Then maybe, just maybe his father would be proud of him.
As he started to walk back to the common room, he decided he would much rather study than go back to the loud party where Lily would angrily ignore him and Sirius and James would try to drag him into the thick of it. So he went to the library instead. As he tiptoed through the seemingly deserted place, he realized he wasn't alone.
"Why aren't you at the party like everyone else?" Severus droned, sounding depressed.
He was surprised to find Severus there this late. He looked rather miserable, his face buried in a book he didn't seem to be reading.
"Parties aren't really my thing," Remus replied politely, going to sit across from him. It was as good a time as any to give Severus his belated Christmas gift.
"Well, Lily likes them. Except when it's for me, of course. Then she doesn't like birthday parties very much," he muttered darkly. Remus realized with a start Lily had mentioned Severus' birthday before, a birthday that had already passed nearly a week ago.
"Surely she wouldn't forget!"
Severus scowled at him, as if he was mocking him or something.
"No, but she didn't do much. Hard with us being in different houses, she said. She was polite enough not to mention I didn't have any other friends. My whole house...they don't like me talking to Lily. But I have a plan."
Remus wasn't entirely sure why Severus was giving him a dark look. He brushed it off, letting the elated feeling of maybe being a prefect one day let him rise above Severus' moodiness.
"Well, we're friends."
"No, we aren't," Severus scoffed, sounding disgusted at the thought. Remus was in too good of a mood to be severely hurt by the comment. After all, he didn't really want to be friends with Severus. An acquaintance was much more appropriate, although he'd be friends with the boy if he was more pleasant. But he was beginning to feel that wouldn't happen.
"Here. Happy Belated Birthday," Remus said abruptly, not wanting the cold silence to stretch any longer.
Severus' scowl melted into shock as he took the lumpy package Remus had accidentally kept shoved at the bottom of his bag since Christmas. The Gryffindor boy figured that celebrating the student's birthday would be better than admitting he had failed to give Severus a Christmas gift for weeks. It just seemed much smarter, especially considering his current mood.
"You...got me a present? This better not be a prank," Severus scowled.
Remus almost smiled, but knew much too well what that felt like. Instead, he shook his head and watched as Severus opened the gift. He felt embarrassed as the boy regarded the quill pouch.
"It's not much. I just...well, Happy Birthday."
"Thank you," Severus said after a long while. He looked at Remus with a surprise that didn't seem like it would ever leave his face.
"No problem. I mean, we study together all the time and--"
"Get out!" Severus cut him off, sounding serious, his voice quiet.
Remus was taken aback. If anything, he figured the present would at least make Severus a little more tolerable towards him.
"But I was going to study..."
"No, just leave. You have to leave now!" he snapped. Remus rose to his feet. The Gryffindor was rather upset but decided arguing with Severus simply wasn't worth it. He was about to leave when three figures rounded the bookshelf, flanking either side of him.
"Severus, why the bloody hell did you summon us? We need to...who's this?" A dirty-blond-haired, much older Slytherin, snapped suspiciously.
Remus went pale. Two older Slytherins, all much bigger than him, and one who seemed his age, immediately pulled their wands out. Feeling uneasy, he glanced at Severus who wouldn't meet his eyes.
"He's no one," Severus drawled lazily. But the three boys didn't seem to believe him.
"Severus, we let you hang out with that Evans girl because that dirty little bint is the only woman whose knickers you'll get into, considering your ugly mug. This better not be another Mudblood friend," came the oldest Slytherin's cruel statement, his stature of ease suggesting he was in charge.
Severus usually glared at the slightest inkling of an insult at Lily. He had nearly hexed one of her roommates because of it. However, in response to the dirty-blond-haired older boy's nasty comment, he merely dipped his head submissively. Under the table, Remus saw his fists clench to the point his knuckles were bone white.
"He just sat at the same table. I don't even know him."
Remus was surprised that Severus was trying to defend him. He was even more surprised it almost worked.
"Well, alright then...," the other younger of the three Slytherins mumbled, standing there with his short-cropped black hair and immaculately kept robes, looking like he wanted to be anywhere else.
"With a brain like that, it's no wonder the older students haven't accepted you yet, Rosier," cooly drawled the oldest and tallest boy who, sure enough, seemed to be calling the shots. He had a malicious glint in his eyes, coupled with a chilling smile that made Remus feel nervous. The possible leader had addressed Slytherinboy who might have been a first-year based on stature. The young student seemed to have as little leeway with the group as Severus did.
Surely these weren't the 'friends that were a bad influence' Lily always mentioned. They didn't seem particularly friendly to anyone.
"Yer right, Mulciber," muttered the youngest one with nervous darting eyes, who shot Severus a pleading look.
"Of course I'm right, you dimwit. Aren't I always right, Avery?" Mulciber said aggressively, shooting the second older Slytherin of the bunch; Avery, a disapproving look with cold blue eyes.
"Concerning school, not so much. But you have an uncanny knack for sniffing out those who are unworthy," teased the other older boy, a wiry brown-haired youth, who stood by his leader, in a similar fashion to how Sirius flanked James.
Remus knew he was in big trouble.
He glanced around while the two older boys, the ones who could actually pass as friends, smiled calculatingly at one another. Severus had straightened himself, like he seemed to make up his mind about something. To make matters worse, there was no professor, librarian, or other non-Slytherin in sight. Yes, Remus was definitely in trouble. This group wasn't the average bullies he had grown used to.
He was reaching for his wand, wondering if he could get away quickly enough to reach some form of help. Before he could, Severus grabbed his wrist so tight it hurt and pulled the wand out of Remus' pocket.
"Mulciber, I caught him reaching for his wand. I also recognize the filthy Mudblood now. He's James and Sirius' roommate," Severus declared.
At the mention of his roommates, Mulciber and Avery's faces darkened considerably. Even though Remus was worried for himself, he was now more worried about what these older boys may do to James and Sirius in the near future. Sirius and James had made powerful enemies, and it seemed they were too foolish to acknowledge it.
"Well, I guess you've redeemed yourself after all, Severus. Maybe you aren't hopeless yet. With this, you might even gain the recognition of Bellatrix herself," Mulciber grunted in what could have potentially been some sort of encouragement, though it sounded much too threatening to the cornered werewolf.
Remus wasn't surprised Bellatrix seemed to be the one in charge of these malicious boys. He remembered the pain she had caused Sirius and his blood boiled.
"You can't use me as bait. I might be their roommate but I'm not their-"
Rosier, who didn't want to miss out on the glory, cut Remus off by slapping him hard across the face.
"You being their roommate is enough. They are 'noble Gryffindors' after all," mocked Avery with dark amusement. Remus felt his irritation and worry about his friends grow.
Surely whatever they were going to do to him couldn't be that bad, right?
"Bellatrix says her mother told her the Dark Lord was keeping Dumbledore busy this weekend. We can take our time figuring out what to do with the Black traitor and his friend when they show up to rescue this one," Mulciber pointed out, looking delighted at what this meant.
"He gets sick a lot though, so no one will notice if he's gone. We'll have to let his roommates know we have him," Severus pointed out, now seemingly 100% sided against Remus. Dread clawed against his rib cage, strangling his insides. He tried to pull away from Severus, but the boy who was as nearly as skinny as him didn't budge.
Remus forced himself to stay calm. He'd been kidnapped before. Plus this time it was children, rather evil children, but no one in this group seemed older than fifteen. This meant the range of spells and hexes they knew shouldn't be enough to cause lasting damage. Sure they could rough him up both magically and not, but they wanted him as bait. If he kept his head down he could get through this easily enough. Then what?
When James and Sirius didn't come for him, would they give up? Would they send a letter like he was some hostage? Would James and Sirius come then?
Of course they would, and that was what Remus was really afraid about. He didn't want them to get hurt. Especially not Sirius, who he was sure his cousin would target the most. Remus was sure his friend would make it worse by mouthing off to her. Then, so would James.
He had to find a way out before then.