Toni Braxton
"No! No! No! Wait!" A gunshot went off that sent me rigid again. He was dying again. I was letting him die again. Kenny was dying again.
My head went up as I screamed loudly. It pierced my ears harshly and sent my heart shattering into million of pieces. I shook as I tried to grab on to him and hold him. I couldn't. I couldn't catch him as he fell.
"Lift every voice and sing..." The angels sung so softly that I thought it would be soothing until they became unbearable in volume. "Lift every voice and sing!"
Hands over my ears, I begged for the song to stop. "Stop it! Leave me alone! Please! Stop singing!"
Instead of waking up from the screaming, I was pushed back into another back seat. Different car, same space. Different car. Damn it! Same space! My arms stretched out to try and open the door handle but I stopped when I saw what I saw.
I can't watch this again. I can't sit here again. Watching as Keith went to open the door, I yelled. "No! Keith no! Just stay in the car."
Keith turned and looked at me as Ronnie got shot. "That's why you're here you know. You never wanted to stand up for yourself or for Kenny. That's why he's dead. That's why he can't rest. You never gave him a chance to."
My head shook. "That's not true."
"You don't know what's true Toni! You never gave us the chance to rest!" Ronnie's voice yelled out to me.
"It isn't my fault!"
"Well whose is it?" Keith asked as he got out of the vehicle we were in and I watched from the window. It played out slower-- more painful this time. His body hit the car door after the gunshot entered him. My scream was so loud that the windows of the car shattered.
"Toni!" Kenny's voice.
My hands covered my ears as I continued screaming. "Leave me alone!"
"Toni!" Ronnie's voice.
"Stop it!" I cried out.
"Toni!" The voice began to get sharper in tone.
"Babe!"
Something was shaking me and before I knew it, I shot awake. My eyes were wide as my chest was puffing in and out quickly. I looked at Nafessa who was sending me a worried glance. "I'm fine."
"That's your fifth nightmare this week babe, you aren't fine. Look, maybe we should just go back to my house and--."
"No Fessa, I have to be here. I- I couldn't go to Kenny's because of obvious reasons but I need to be here."
This protest was something serious. Everyone who was important was going to speak today once we made it to the school distract. We were going to march two blocks and when Ryan asked me to speak after Keith— I didn't feel like I could decline.
She nodded and mumbled. "If you say so. Come on. People are already rallying." Fessa moved back and held her hand out to help me out the car. People were holding their signs and I grabbed ours out the backseat. Suddenly, chants began as students from the school, members from the community and Ronnie and Keith's parents led the march off.
Sirens were heard in the distance and I knew so well that this wasn't going to go over so well. Nafessa spoke to me as we walked over to the crowd. "No matter what happens, I am proud of you. I'm proud of you for even finding the strength to come. So weather you speak or not— I'm glad you're here. Forget what everyone will think or say, because you are the bravest person I know. Okay?"
I looked at her and nodded as I grabbed her hand. "I love you."
"I love you more." She squeezed my hand to get her words across. "Now, let's do this."
We went and joined the crowd as Zendaya yelled into the bullhorn. "No Justice! No Peace! We won't sweep this under our feet!"
"No Justice! No Peace! We won't sweep this under our feet!" The crowd yelled after her as Fessa and I passed majority of them up and joined Ryan and Z in the front.
Someone grabbed me as we held our hands up and chanted and I looked back to see it was Kenny's parents. His mother smiled at me and his father sent me a head nod of approval. Mama Barbara spoke. "It's good to see you my baby, how're you?"
"I'm okay Mama Barbara. How're you?"
She nodded softly. "As good as I can be without my baby here. I heard you were speaking today. Your mother here?" I made a face causing her to laugh. "You're right. Bad question."
"Yes it was. You know she'd flip out."
"That dang on Evelyn ain't changed a bit." Mama B chuckled. "You come by and see us soon okay? You and Janet. We haven't seen you two in ages. You girls are still our second daughters. You know that right?"
"Yes ma'am." I nodded even though I knew Janet and I in the same room would never happen.
Mr. Marvin, Kenny's father, agreed. "Yeah, I haven't heard no singing in my house in a while. It's getting too quiet at home."
We both chuckled as I spoke honestly. "I'll do my best to come by and see you guys. I promise."
"Good. Love you child."
"Love you too." I called back before catching back up to Nafessa.
She looked at me and asked. "Who was that?"
"Ken's parents."
Fessa nodded. "Ah okay."
We continued marching until we made it to the school district. Cops were already lined up when we made it. They had their shields and riot gear on. I shook my head as I got flashbacks from Kenny's march. How they beat whomever was in their line of sight. My mother had forbidden me from attending the event but if I'm being honest, I probably wouldn't have attended anyways. I wasn't in the mental head space to eat, let alone move and attend a protest.
Ronnies parents walked up to the front and his mother spoke into the microphone that they'd set up. I was surprised the school district was allowing this, but I think even their hands were tied. Still, they had police here ready for destruction.
"My son was not your typical African American gangster. He loved reading and math. He'd rather sing than slang guns. Go to choir rehearsal at church instead of shoot dice. My baby didn't deserve this but nor does any other unarmed African American. I'll never be able to see him graduate or make it to the Grammys. I'll never be able to see my baby make it platinum. I'll—." She broke down and it seemed everyone else already was.
She shook her head as Ronnie's father whispered something in her ear. Soon, they swapped places as he cleared his throat and spoke. "We don't want an uproar. We don't want violence. What we want is to be heard. We want to be listened to. It hasn't just affected us— it's affecting the community as well. We cannot continue to ignore that our police have a target on young black males backs. Our son should be here— Marvin's son should be here. When will enough be enough? Thank you for listening to us. It means something to my wife and I. We know how much our son was loved... and he will never die in our hearts. Thank you."
It was silent as they stepped off the platform. I wiped the tears that had fallen. Keith's father walked up to the platform next, followed by Keith and Ryan. "I decided that with my son being here and willing— he should speak. So..."
Keith stepped up to the platform with tears in his eyes, Ryan holding his hand. "I— whew... I'm sorry." He wiped his tears and cleared his throat. "I was in that car. We were in that car. Then we were on the ground. I remember the wind leaving my body seeing Ronnies head behind the tire of the car not moving. I remember me rushing to help and meeting him sooner than I thought I would have to. They'd shot him— and I couldn't do anything because they'd shot me too. I wish they'd taken me out too— because I'm living with trauma that no person should be living with. I got a hell of a support system thankfully, people helping me even when I don't feel like I need it. So thank you for that, and Ronnie... I'm sorry man." He looked up at the sky. "I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you quick enough. I'm sorry it went down like that but the city gone wake up. I promise bro, they are."
It was a somber silence as he walked off the stage. I froze knowing it was my turn and Nafessa squeezed my hand. Ryan looked at me and I took a breath before easing into the stage. Fessa was walking with me but I motioned her to stay behind. I had to do this alone. Everyone stared at me and I was moments away from having a panic attack. My hands got sweaty as they began to shake. I couldn't do this— I couldn't.
"You got this!" Zendaya yelled suddenly.
I nodded softly as I repeated it. "I got this." Stepping closer to the microphone, I spoke. "I—."
"Oh geez. The mouse is trying to speak. Get off the stage!" Someone yelled.
"Hey... forget them. Try again." Nafessa spoke as she got closer to the stage.
It echoed in my mind and I took a breath and tried again. "Most of you are probably asking yourself why me of all people are up here. Having barely talked to anyone for the past couple of years, I should be the last person standing up here but tonight I decided that I wanted to be set free. I deserve to be set free as do all of the victims when it comes to losing someone close to us at the hands of the police."
I couldn't say it. I couldn't expose myself. No— I don't think I had it in me to do that. I made eye contact with Fessa who mouthed the words, "I love you." It was what I needed as I continued.
"I was in that car with Kenneth when they shot him. Looked the officer in his crystal blue eyes as he took my friends last breath as if he earned the right to take it. I sat in the passenger seat as Ken made eye contact with me as he took his last breathes. I was stripped of my courage in the span of five minutes. It finding a new home in that officers gun. As I went to hold his wounds— that gun holding my courage was then pointed at me. Hands on the dash board— eyes straight ahead. Do what he says. That's what my folks had taught me at a young age, yet that's what Kenny did and his life was gone. Silence washed over me, as I lost friends but more importantly I lost myself. I lost the need to tell the truth. They let the man who'd taken my friend away and pointed a gun at me back on the force. He's back in uniform, patrolling the highways with no fear of being fired. I didn't testify because my courage was in that gun and the fact that he told me he'd find me and my family. I was forced into silence but not anymore..."
Everyone was silent when I paused. Tears in my eyes, but I wouldn't let them fall. Kenny's parents came up and placed their hand on my shoulder as I continued. "That badge with the numbers 219 will forever be edged into my brain for the rest of my life and that's not fair. I didn't ask for this. Nobody deserves this feeling. That hallow feeling. The panic attacks and PTSD. The nightmares and the voices. The replays that'll never stop replaying. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Never that feeling. So this is me letting everyone know that I'm done hiding. It's time to let our friends Rest In Peace finally. Kenny and Ronnie and all the others whom have left this Earth because of the carelessness of this city's council. They don't see a problem because we're too dark to get the point across but that's going to have to change soon. We're going to make it change. Thank you."
It was silent as I glanced over the crowd. Someone started clapping and I looked over to see it was Kelly. Soon everyone started clapping and Janet made eye contact with me. She nodded my way as I exited the stage. Kenny's parents hugged me as I broke down.
I felt lighter.
This was my freedom.
"You took our boy!" A voice yelled out and everyone turned to see Bobby Brown head to head with the cops. "He didn't do shit!"
Ralph and Michael tried to grab him but it only worsened as Ricky yelled. "Ronnie was innocent! I'm sick of being silent. Fuck 12!"
The cops they stood in front of pushed them back and they both hit the ground but quickly jumped to their feet. Suddenly the crowd turned angry. Everyone went into an uproar. "Fuck 12!"
I lifted up off of Mama Barbara's shoulder just as things went left. Some of the crowd rushed the police and it went full on violent after that. This was no longer a good protest but instead something that would avenge our classmates. Nafessa grabbed me but I stopped when I heard a voice scream.
"Get off of me!" I looked and saw it was Zendaya. She was on the ground pinned by three cops. "Yo! Get the fuck off!"
"Toni! T- Toni!" I ran over ignoring Fessa's screams for me.
Pulling at one of the cops, I yelled. "Get off of her! Get off!"
It felt like the wind was knocked out of me suddenly as my body hit the pavement of the street harshly. My cheek was pressed into the gravel on the street. The cop pressing down so hard that I was sure my face was cut up and bleeding. I was used to this feeling. His knee was into my back and for once I knew I exactly what the shape of my rib cage was and where to find every bone. Someone yanked my arms back so hard that it felt like they'd come close to breaking them.
"Ow! Let me go man!" I cried out in anger. "Damn!"
"No! You just assaulted a police officer! You are under arrest!" He yelled back and I fumed with anger underneath him.
"Sir.. look, I promise you, she's no trouble. Please don't arrest her. She was just trying to—." Nafessa was cut off.
"I didn't ask you anything. This has nothing to do with you. Back up or else I'll arrest you as well."
I cut my eyes upward harshly just in time to see Nafessa's left eyebrow raise and I knew tonight would be a long night. She folded her arms. "Sir, do whatever you need to do because she has everything to do with me."
Sighing, I knew more than likely this was going to be bad when it hit my parents ears.
Fuck.
So much for freedom.