Damien wracked his brain, trying to figure out how to properly apologize for what he had said. But every time he was even in close enough proximity to actually say the words, he would get tongue-tied, or otherwise interrupted, or Oliver would be doing everything in his power to ignore him.
Damien groaned, why was this so difficult? He had never had this much trouble apologizing before, he thought, miserably. Perhaps if you didn't feel the need to do something you had to apologize for, his mind cajoled him.
He sighed, burying his face in his hands.
By Thursday, Damien was at his wit's end. He had spent the better part of the week trying to figure out how best to apologize and was no closer than he had been at the beginning of the week. Pinching the bridge of his nose, Damien opened up his phone and looked through his messages on Tumblr. The top-most message was a note from Adam:
Sorry I've been gone for a while. Kind of rough here at school. Nothing to worry about, I just... SMH... anyway... how are you?
Damien nearly laughed. How was he? He wondered if he should ask Adam how best to handle this situation?
Well, I made rather an ass out of myself to someone I should have been nice too and I've spent the past week trying to figure out how to apologize because words aren't really my forte apparently.
Damien hit send before he could think too hard on it and debated whether or not he should wait for an answer. Scrolling through his Tumblr, Damien looked through the latest notes on the most recent chapter of his fic. It was going well even though it felt like he hadn't written anything for it in ages. A few moments later, faster than he had expected, a new message popped into his inbox. Damien opened it excitedly, grateful that Adam was able to respond so quickly.
Words aren't your forte? Last I checked, you are VERY good with words. You are the foremost Addius writer after all. Surely you can think of a way to apologize to a person at the very least in writing? How close are you to this person?
Not very, Damien thought. Not as close as I'd like to be, Damien shook his head, pushing that particular thought out of his mind. Perhaps a letter would be best. He hadn't really considered it as an option before. It felt so impersonal, and yet... it wasn't as if he and Oliver were friend-friends. He couldn't just apologize like he had with Carrie.
Sucking a deep breath, Damien quickly typed up a thank you to Adam for his assistance, then pulled up a note on his phone to begin work on a proper apology. It would have to be handwritten if he wanted it to be taken seriously, but at the very least he could start on his phone.
Dear Oliver,
(I'm sorry wouldn't exactly cut it, would it? Damien thought. It was vague and general, and honestly what kind of a writer was he if he couldn't properly formulate why he was sorry, to begin with?)
Firstly, I wanted to say I'm sorry. I had no right to make the comment I did this past weekend about your parents. It was petty and wrong, and I deeply regret it. Please understand that don't expect your forgiveness. Frankly, if it was me, I don't know if I would forgive me, but I wanted to apologize because... I feel terrible about what I said. I'd like to say that it's not the sort of person that I am, but I've said it, so one wonders if that's really true. I've spent the last week trying to figure out why I said it, and though it's unsatisfactory to me, the only reason I can come up with is that I wanted to hurt you. Perhaps out of fear. Though of what I couldn't hope to say. That's no excuse, and so I can only say that I'm sorry. It doesn't change it, and perhaps what I've said is unforgiveable. If I could take it back, I would, but I know that I can't so I can only move on with the knowledge that this is not the sort of person I want to be. I know we aren't friends exactly, but I hope that perhaps we could move forward as, at the very least acquaintances.
Apologetically yours,
Damien Carmichael III
It was, admittedly the most honest he had been both with himself and anyone else when it came to an apology in quite some time. Reading it back, he couldn't help but be appalled. Had he really done it just to hurt someone who had been nothing but nice to him? All because he was afraid of his own feelings. Afraid of the consequences of what would befall him if anyone were to learn his secret. Damien swallowed. He half debated erasing the line 'perhaps out of fear'. It wouldn't change the apology for Oliver not to know this, he rationalized, and honestly, it wasn't as if he expected Oliver to actually accept his apology. Why should he? Sure the apology sounded nice, and maybe Oliver might believe that Damien really meant it, and maybe even believe the sincerity of his words. But that didn't mean he deserved to be forgiven. Actions, speak louder than words, he had always heard it said. But what actions could truly show how sorry he was?
Damien swallowed his pride, terrified though he was in all he had admitted, and the consequences of his actions, he knew that there was nothing for it. If actions really did speak louder than words, then Damien would have to be honest with Oliver. Well, and truly honest.
As he made his way up to the library to transcribe the note by hand, Damien debated a myriad of ways in which he could be totally honest with Oliver. He could tell him why he had been afraid. He could tell him that he feared his own feelings for Oliver, that he worried that it might get out that he was gay. Or... he could realize that the point of an apology was that it wasn't about him at all. It was about the harm he had caused the other person. It didn't matter why he had wanted to hurt Oliver with his words. Only that he had, and he had done it. Making excuses for his actions would not rectify the situation. The damage was already done.
Folding the note several times, Damien wrote Oliver's name on the front, and slipped it into his back pocket, making his way back out of the library and toward the lockers on the first floor. He had texted Carrie earlier to give him Oliver's locker number which she had begrudgingly agreed to do, though she had been quite insistent that he should send the note to her first:
I'm not a child (he had argued rather petulantly, even through text) I don't need your approval.
Carrie had been radio silent after that and Damien supposed he may need to apologize again, for being so snappish. Sighing, he made his way towards Oliver's locker. The hallway was empty, blessedly, and he pulled the note from his back pocket and slipped it discreetly as he could into Oliver's locker, and walked past trying to ensure no one might see him before he made his way back down the hall and off to lunch.
"Well?" Carrie asked as Damien took a seat across from her at the Dining Hall. "Did you do it?"
"Yes," Damien replied.
Carrie smirked, that knowing smirk that always made Damien just a little bit uncomfortable because it suggested that somehow she knew things that he didn't, "Good, I'm proud of you Damien. It takes a big person to admit they're wrong and apologize." Damien nodded. "And whether or not he accepts it, isn't up to you."
"I know," Damien said hanging his head. Just eight more months, he thought.
"I think he will though," she said, knowing smirk in full force.
"Oh?" he hated how hopeful he sounded. He didn't even know why he was hopeful that Oliver might accept his apology. It wasn't as if they'd suddenly become friends or anything. It was absurd.
"Oliver doesn't really keep grudges. He's not Tyler," she laughed. Damien snorted.
"Can we maybe go through a single lunch without talking about Tyler," Damien asked, stabbing his salad rather aggressively.
"Sure thing," Carrie replied with a smirk. "We can talk about Oliver instead."
"How about we not talk about any guys," Damien suggested, barely looking up from the table. He was still rather mortified about his apology letter and rather wanted to disappear into a hole.
Carrie raised an eyebrow, "How are things with Adam?"
Damien sighed, he knew she wasn't about to let up, especially not now that she knew. "I mean at least he's still talking to me."
"I'm talking to you," she replied.
"You know what I mean."
"What did he say about all of this?"
"I didn't give him the exact details, but I did tell him that I was kind of an asshole to someone that didn't deserve it, and he suggested I write him a letter."
"So that's how you got the idea," she smirked. "I didn't think you'd come up with it."
"I mean, it makes sense," Damien argued. "I am a writer. The foremost Addius writer, as Adam called me."
"How cute, it's almost like you have a boy..." Damien glared slamming his foot into Carrie's shin. "Ow, what the fuck?" she hissed, glaring back at him.
"Alright there?" Oliver said from behind them. Damien flushed, he barely trusted himself to turn around.
Carrie smiled, "Fine thanks. What about you?"
Oliver shrugged and took a seat directly beside Damien and across from Carrie. Damien swallowed, looking over at Oliver carefully, trying desperately to ignore the smirking looks Carrie was shooting both of them.
"I'm fine," he said. He didn't really make an effort to look at Damien, but he wasn't outright ignoring him either, and that felt like progress.
"You know I just remembered I have to look something up in the library," Carrie said, getting to her feet. Damien's eyes widened as he looked up at her. Before he could say a word, Carrie had vanished from the table, leaving Damien and Oliver alone. Damien stared awkwardly at the table, then for a brief moment over at Oliver, then back down at the table. Unsure of what to say. He had apologized, but he didn't really know how to talk to Oliver after that.
"Did you mean it?" Oliver asked, not looking up from his lunch.
"W-which part?" Damien asked.
"The apology," Oliver replied.
Damien swallowed, and turned towards Oliver, giving him his full attention. "Yes," he said. "I never..." he paused, stopping himself before he continued with the cliched 'I never meant to hurt you.' Of course, he had meant to hurt him. Why else would he have said it? He had been so convinced that Oliver was interested in Carrie, and the fear of dealing with his own feelings about Oliver that he had been trying to ignore for several weeks had finally come to a head. He was a mess. "I'm not proud of it, and I'm terribly sorry, but I know that that doesn't excuse it."
"It doesn't," Oliver said. "Frankly I'm a still pretty pissed at you. But... the letter was actually very sweet. If I'm honest I didn't really know what to expect. Tyler made it seem like you were this soulless monster without a conscience, and then when you said what you said, I just thought wow, he was right."
"I know," Damien said quietly. Somehow the idea that he had proved Tyler right was almost worse than anything else in all of this.
"I didn't really buy it, at the time he was saying it, Tyler's a bit of a drama queen," Oliver continued. Damien couldn't help but chuckle at that. "And honestly, he's not really a great friend, not like Carrie." Damien couldn't really argue with that. However insistent she was, Carrie really was a great friend to Damien, even when he definitely didn't deserve it. "I'm sorry about the snakes by the way," he said.
"Your idea I take it then?" Damien teased.
"No, but I should have stopped him."
"Nothing was going to stop Tyler from doing something he wanted to do."
Oliver frowned. "He says you broke up his relationship because you were jealous of his happiness, and that you're homophobic."
Damien laughed at that, he hadn't meant to but he couldn't help it. After everything else, it just felt so absurd. He wanted to tell Oliver the truth, but for the life of him, he still couldn't. "Shock."
"Are you?" Oliver asked, looking somewhat worried in a way that Damien hadn't expected.
"I don't give a shit who Tyler sleeps with, what I cared about, and frankly still do was the fact that he cheated on my best friend at the time. Gavin was great to Tyler, he did everything for him, and Tyler constantly took advantage of their relationship."
Oliver eyed him then, and opened his mouth, looking as though he wanted to say something, but his words died in his throat when a voice spoke up from behind them.
"Well, well, well, look who's a traitor," Tyler spat. Damien wanted to scream.
"You've got to be fucking kidding me," Damien growled and got to his feet. "What the hell do you want? Do you really have nothing better to do than to harass me constantly? Wasn't setting snakes in my bed and telling me to kill myself bad enough?" he hadn't meant to shout, but it was all getting quite out of hand. Several students turned then, all staring in his direction.
Tyler glared, looking as though he might lunge at Damien; Oliver stood up and moved between them. It was all Damien could do not to swoon. He had never had anyone defend him like that before, particularly not someone whom he had just called an orphan not a week prior.
"Be very careful whose side you chose here Martin," Tyler spat. "Damien's a snake in the grass, I would have thought what he said to you last week would have taught you that."
"I'm not taking sides," Oliver replied. "But I don't think getting into a fight in the middle of the Dining Hall is a great way to keep yourself out of trouble." Damien didn't want to think too hard on Oliver's warning, he didn't want to think too hard on whether or not Oliver was really standing up for him, or wasn't just trying to keep Tyler from getting expelled. He was on thin ice as it was, and frankly, Damien would have happily taken one on the chin if it meant he could have spend the next few months in peace and quiet without the looming threat of Tyler darkening the rest of his year.
Tyler glared at the two of them as if considering his options. Without another word, he turned on his heel and left. Damien couldn't help but be grateful for Oliver then.
"Th-thank you," he said, stammering despite himself. He groaned inwardly. Oliver shot him a smile, a genuine, warm smile that melted his insides, and made Damien desperately want to wrap his arms around Oliver's neck and kiss him for an hour for good measure. Instead, he cleared his throat awkwardly and picked up his tray. "I think I should spend the rest of my lunch hour in the library with Carrie," he said quietly.
Oliver stared at him for a moment but didn't reply. With some amount of effort, Damien turned and made his way out of the Dining Hall, and up towards the library, praying that he wouldn't run into Tyler on his way there. The last thing he needed was another scene.