Stanford scrubbed his hand over his face, wincing when the split skin on his knuckles brushed against his hair. He had gone down to the basement after his argument with Logan and her words still echoed in his mind. She had been right, he had said some of the things his mother had done to him to shock her; to get her to stop acting like she knew how to fix everything. To stop acting like she knew how to fix him.
He let out a deep sigh and leaned his head back against the wall, bringing his legs up so he could wrap his arms around them. Now that he had calmed down a bit, had cried until it seemed like he had no tears left in his body, he knew how much of an ass he had been. There was no taking back tonight, no acting like Logan hadn't seen him completely shattered or that Rori hadn't been absolutely terrified of him. The scream she had let out when he had punched the wall a second time would haunt his dreams for God knows how long, just further proving that he was a monster parading around like one of the good guys.
He tensed when he heard footsteps coming down the stairs and smiled weakly when Rori poked her head through the doorway, her red hair a rats nest from sleep. She marched right over to him, one small hand curled into a fist, and he lowered his legs when she poked his knee; sliding on arm around her stomach when she plopped down into his lap.
"They make hurted spots not hurt," Rori explained, uncurling her fist and showing Stanford a handful of opened Hello Kitty bandaids. He watched in silence as she peeled back the plastic tabs and applied them all over the bandages Elijah had wrapped earlier, taking extra care to place one over each busted knuckle and the cut on his hand. She placed a gentle kiss on each one after she was done, patting his chest like he was sure Logan had done for her thousands of times.
"You know, Mama says it's not nice to yell," Rori whispered, and Stanford nodded his head slowly. "And she said you only did it because you don't have a nice mama. So you can share mine like a daddy is supposed to, I don't mind."
He tightened his arm around her stomach and laid his head against hers briefly, completely in awe of her. She had been scared out of her mind earlier and yet here she was, offering him a spot in her family like it was the most natural thing in the world.
"I'm sorry for scaring you," Stanford said softly, the band of self loathing that had been tight around his heart easing when she just snuggled into his chest. God knows he didn't deserve for Rori to forgive him and still act like she loved him, but he was grateful for it. It made dealing with his own issues hurt less.
"That's why Mama wanted to meet you. Because you could be scary. But not scary like my real daddy, he's too bad to be a daddy. You're not."
Stanford's heart dropped, stomach flipping like he was going through a free-fall. He knew for a fact that Rori wasn't meant to know about her real father, not with how protective Logan was, or the horrors that he inflicted on the women he was supposed to protect. It hurt his heart to think of Rori knowing that her real father was a monster, and that she understood it well enough to know that Kyle wasn't fit to be a father at all.
"I don't think I'd make a very good daddy, Rori. I've been scary like your real dad before," Stanford admitted, thinking of the thick file Landon kept in his desk of all the men Stanford had beat down. It didn't matter that they deserved it, that the images of their battered children and wives had driven him to do it in the first place, men who wore violence of that kind like a second skin had no business being a father. There was a very fine line between justice and a power trip, and most of them don't realize they've crossed it until too late. Stanford didn't want to become that kind of man.
Rori continued to pet his chest like a cat, humming low in her throat, and Stanford found himself slowly rocking back and forth; both arms around her small body and one hand rubbing up and down her back. He had seen Logan do it for her a few days earlier, lulling her daughter to sleep in just minutes. He found the action oddly soothing, almost like it was for both of them instead of just the small child in his arms.
"My really daddy hurt Mama. She gets sad when she talks about it, I can hear her cry through the door. She always tolded me to play in the other room and I always standed by the door. You don't hurt the mama's, just the bad daddy's. You'd make a good daddy," Rori promised, her voice becoming raspy like it always did before she fell asleep.
Stanford shook his head, completely bewildered. If Rori knew about the men he had hurt then Logan had to know too, and she still agreed to stay with him. He shifted the sleeping toddler in his arms and eased himself off of the floor, trying to keep Rori as still as possible. He made his way to the stairs, pausing when he saw Logan sitting halfway up them; a blanket wrapped around her shoulders and an exasperated smile on her face.
"I'm convinced she's actually an eighty year old woman trapped in a toddler body," Logan sighed, standing up from her perch on the stairs and pulling the blanket tighter around her shoulders.
Stanford silently climbed up behind her and followed her to Rori's room, laying the sleeping child onto her bed and watching as Logan tucked her back in. He couldn't resist smoothing the hair away from her face or dropping a soft kiss on her forehead just like her mother had done, smiling softly to himself when Rori mumbled in her sleep and snuggled further into her blanket.
"She's right, you know," Logan whispered, watching her daughter sleep. "You would be a good dad if you could stop letting your past control your future."
Stanford watched as Logan made her way to the lilac door that joined the rooms, breath caught in his throat. There was no invitation in her words, no hidden message, but he couldn't help but picture the three of them as a real family. Rori had already wormed her way into his heart and Logan wasn't far behind her, even if it was confusing for him. Maybe it was because it was the family he never got to have as a child, or maybe it was because it was the one he wanted as an adult.
He didn't know, didn't want to analyze the storm of emotions swirling around like a blizzard in his brain just yet, but when Logan smiled softly at him over her shoulder before crawling into her own bed it almost knocked him sideways.
"How long were you there? On the stairs?" Stanford whispered, moving closer to the lilac door so Logan would be able to hear him better. The blankets rustled as she settled further into the bed and he found himself squinting into the dark to be able to see her better. A soft smile curved her lips and her eyes were closed, one hand under the pillow while the other rested on the mattress in front of her.
"Since she offered to share me. It's not a bad idea. I could show you how a mother is supposed to treat her child, and maybe you'd be able to replace your bad memories with good ones," Logan offered, opening her eyes and patting the open space on her mattress.
Stanford made his way inside of her bedroom and tentatively sat down on the edge of her bed, not sure what to do or say. They both knew that bad situations coming to light didn't get rid of the scars they left on your soul or ease the aching deep in your bones. But sometimes it helped, made your body feel like a home instead of an anchor dragging you down at sea.
"My mother never wanted me," Stanford started, voice hushed as not to wake up Rori. "And she's let me know that from the moment I could comprehend what she was saying. I thought it was normal, that all moms took their anger out on their children or gave them bracelets made out of fingertip sized bruises."
Logan sat up in the bed and pulled the blanket back, covering their legs up when he settled fully onto the mattress; both of them leaning against the headboard. He stared down at the Hello Kitty bandaids decorating his arm and took bravery from them, from the fact that Rori didn't view him as the monster he knew he was.
"My father encouraged it. He would pin me down and laugh when my mother put her cigarettes out on me, like my screams were a comedy instead of the things in your nightmares. He didn't want me either, but he at least treated me like a human when it was convenient for him."
Logan laid her hand on the mattress between them, palm up, and Stanford hesitated for just a few seconds before laying his own on top of if, squeezing her hand when she linked their fingers together. He didn't know how she was taking this, a mother who had proven she would set the world on fire and watch the flames with satisfaction if her daughter was hurt, but he wanted her to know. He owed her at least that much.
"And then when he left, packed up his bags and ran away with the blonde down the road that was half my moms age, she blamed me. Locked me in the basement for a month and fed me dog food. She would hit me with the water hose if I cried at any point while I was down there. I was ten and so scared out of my mind that everything made me cry."
He got quiet when he heard Logan sniffle, letting her tug away her hand. He held on tight when she slipped it back in his, her fingers wet from the tears she had wiped off of her cheeks. She laid her head on his shoulder and they sat in silence for a while, just listening to Rori snoring softly from the other room.
"She tortured me growing up. Forced me to work odd jobs as an eleven year old because we needed the money, and since I was the reason my dad left it was up to me to be the man of the house. I didn't get to be a kid until I became friends with Maddox and my mother pawned me off on his almost every weekend. I didn't let them know what was happening to me, I didn't want them to tell me I could never come back."
Logan's hand tightened around his and he could feel her tears dripping down onto his shoulder, so hot they practically burned him. He would have jerked away if she hadn't brought her legs up and curled into his side.
"And I guess that as an adult I just want her to realize that she did want me. So that's why I give her whatever she wants, excuse the fact that she still hurts me every single chance she gets. I don't know how else to have a relationship with her other than that."
Stanford took a deep breath and waited for her to berate him, to tell him that he was broken beyond repair. That she thought he was a lost cause. But she just snuggled further into his side and let the silence settle between them like a weighted blanket, her tears slowly drying up and sniffles dying out.
Rori continued to snore from her room, giving Stanford something to focus on other than the pounding of his heart. Logan hadn't immediately shoved him out of her bed and now he wasn't sure what to do with himself, was so used to being shunned that this was a new feeling he couldn't quite process.
"I think you're probably one of the strongest men I know," Logan finally whispered, dragging his attention away from Rori. "And that you need someone to show you how to be a kid. How to love without expecting pain in return. To let you know that you aren't the monster in this story, your mother is. We can be that for you, for a little while at least. So you can know what it's really supposed to be like when we finally leave here and get on with our lives, and you find someone worth it. Rori already loves you, she's pretty dead set on calling you Daddy and I don't want to ruin that for her just yet."
His breath stuttered in his chest, the fantasy of a family with the two women he had already started thinking of as his so close he could almost reach out and touch it. Logan let go of his hand and scooted over in the bed, laying down and pulling the blanket off of his legs.
"Go get changed and then come back. People shouldn't have to sleep alone after a day like today."
Stanford was pretty sure he heard her laughing as he stumbled out of the bedroom, his heart kicked into overdrive as he raced down the hallway to change into pajama bottoms.