*mature content is present in this chapter; viewer discretion is advised
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Love Him
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He couldn't believe he would ever in a million years visit Hyunjin. It was the last thing he'd ever see himself do.
But Felix had to know, for Changbin.
Changbin had asked Felix to give his perspective, and Felix needed to know.
The question was eating away in the back of his mind, the mind which he needed to clear for his first day at work tomorrow. He didn't want to screw up in front of Jungkook on his first official day. Jungkook had two different personalities, and his work personality was an uptight, strict as fuck officer. He could glance at you and you would confess immediately.
To say the least, Felix would throw up at some point tomorrow, but he was comforted -only a little though- knowing Wooyoung, who had accompanied him on his nervous bathroom throw up sessions plenty of times before, would be there to help with any sessions he'd have tomorrow.
The officer that stood at the door of the visiting area was named Jackson, and Felix liked him. He was super funny, and thought Minjun was really adorable when Felix showed him a picture of him. He openly made comfortable and funny small talk with Felix until Hyunjin walked into the room.
The tall, lanky boy looked paler then he was in high school, but he still looked good. He seemed happy but guilt ridden and sad, which made Felix want to slap him, but Changbin wouldn't want that.
He sat at the table, across from the inmate. Felix had thought how this meeting would go over in his head for days now. He woke up thinking about this, ate breakfast like this, and got ready with his husband and son still thinking about it. On the drive to the prison he thought about it.
He thought he would've walked up to Hyunjin and confidently hate him, but the air around them was thick with awkwardness and tension.
Then Hyunjin gave him a sad smile, sighing, "I heard you have a kid now."
Felix looked up from picking at his cuticles. He had the habit as long as he'd been throwing up when he got really anxious. He returned the small smile, and pulled out his phone to pull up his favorite picture of him, Changbin, and Minjun at his graduation. "He's an actual angel, I swear. We could not have a better kid."
"He's so cute! Changbin's finally taller than someone!" Hyunjin laughed, it still the soft one he used to have when Changbin told him jokes in high school.
Regardless of not wanting to get along with Hyunjin, he laughed and agreed with the boys statement. The thickness in the air was gone, and Felix and Hyunjin caught up a bit. When Hyunjin had first got here, he was immediately protected from the "big, scary men" from this sweet guy named Jinyoung. He treated Hyunjin right, and due to his and Jinyoung's well behaved behaviors, they convinced the guards and officers to put them in the same cell.
He told Felix how much he had cried when he found out Changbin tried to commit suicide, and how happy he was to hear how well Changbin was doing after his rehab. He also congratulated Felix and Changbin on getting married and Felix graduating. He also gushed about how talented Changbin was when it came to story telling.
As the proud husband Felix was, he smiled and described the long nights of inspiration Changbin had. Felix also told him the story of how they adopted Minjun, and he told Hyunjin that when they saw the little boy they instantly fell in love. Hyunjin cooed at the story, telling Felix of his wishes to be a parent one day.
"I'm sure if you keep up your behavior and such, your sentence may be shortened. You and Jinyoung can get out, get jobs, and when you're stable, start a family." Felix said, giving Hyunjin the little reassurance he could in the dingy room. Hyunjin let out a small breath of air, a sigh of longing and hurt.
"I just feel like shit all the time, you know." Hyunjin muttered, wiping his eyes. He looked pitiful, and Felix immediately felt guilty for wanting to hate the guy.
"I just wanted to be loved, and my mind was so distorted when it happened. My parents were divorced when I was young, so I never knew what it meant to love someone. I thought if you loved a person, you had intimate sex and love and passion for each other, but Changbin always refused. I thought he didn't love me, he was getting tired of me. I didn't want to lose him. He made me feel so alive, so happy. I-"
The boy choked on his tears, his face contorting to one of pain, guilt, and sorrow. Hyunjin's heart hurt more than words could express and he was nauseous. He couldn't keep up with the tears rolling down his cheeks, so he gave up on wiping them away. He sniffed, wiping his nose with his sleeve.
"I loved him so much, and I didn't want to lose him. I wanted to be loved so bad. I wanted to know and see how much joy it brought to someone to be in a good healthy relationship that the one I had ended up falling into tiny bits and pieces. I broke the boy I loved so fucking much. I felt like absolute shit for years, I stayed up crying for months. I hated myself. I hate myself for it. I wanted to die the second I went down on him. Felix, I fucked everything up." Hyunjin let out a shrill cry, smacking his own forehead in self pity and hate.
Felix gave him a sympathetic looked, and softly brought the boys hand away from his head. Hyunjin was hyperventilating, and Felix could tell he was having a panic attack. "Hey, hey. Calm down. It's okay. It's going to be okay."
Hyunjin cried hard, and he had barely any control on his breathing. In that moment, he wanted to crawl into a hole and die. In that moment, Hyunjin hated himself so much he wanted Felix to sock him in the face. He wanted Felix to yell profane things in his face and ruin what little self-worth he had worked up over the time he's been rotting in the orange jumpsuit.
But the freckled man that used to be his dance partner just comforted him. Felix was such a better person than him.
"I fucked Seungmin because he let me. He wanted to feel love too. He said we wanted the same thing and we wouldn't tell anyone. I told everybody through Jeongin. Jeongin didn't deserve to be hated by Changbin. He was innocent. I ruined his innocence. I took Seungmin away from Changbin. And the worst part of it all is I don't remember fucking Seungmin because I was black out drunk. When I heard that Seungmin and I screwed, Seungmin came up to me and cried in my shoulder."
Felix watched the whole facade of happiness he had on when he walked into the room fall away. It disappeared into thin air and Felix could finally see the whole entire story and events fall into place.
"Seungmin told me that morning that we had only made out. I never screwed him. I drunkenly told Jeongin to tell everybody that. When word got out at the party, there was no explaining to everybody that it didn't happen. Jeongin was just being a helpful friend, and Seungmin and I were too drunk to correct anything." Hyunjin said, finally catching his breath. He finally looked up at Felix, ready to see his expression.
It wasn't what he thought it would be.
Felix looked calm, almost relieved. He looked like he'd finally figured out the answer to a math problem, or to a question in physics. He looked like all the pieces of the puzzle fit together.
"So it all happened because of a rumor." Felix said the question as a statement, and Hyunjin only nodded his agreement.
"I am so sorry for putting Changbin through that. I want to tell him I'm sorry, and beg for forgiveness that I know I don't deserve. Can you tell him that I did genuinely love him, and still do? Can you tell him that I'm so fucking sorry for being such an asshole and putting him through the shit I put him through? I know I don't deserve it, but I don't think he'll ever visit me."
Felix nodded solemnly, and said, "Don't beat yourself up. You just made stupid decisions that were really awful. You didn't know. You just wanted to be loved. It's okay. Changbin has healed, and I can't say for sure when, but I know he'll visit you."
Hyunjin nodded, and stood up. He dusted off his legs and gave Felix a smile. "Thank you for coming to see me. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders."
Felix gave the man a quick hug, "Your welcome. I'm glad I got to hear your side. And I forgive you. I know you feel like you don't deserve it, but I forgive you. I'll see you soon."
"When you do visit again, I hope it can be with Changbin and Minjun. I want to meet your little boy." Hyunjin said, his happy persona falling over his face once more.
Felix smiled and waved, "Maybe!"
Then he left the prison. He walked to his car and sat in it for a long time.
Felix cried. He cried so hard he developed a headache. Hyunjin wasn't a bad person, he'd never been a bad person. He was just stupid and confused. And now he sat in prison, wasting away. He found love again, he found reasons to be happy in that dreadful hellhole.
Felix called Jisung.
"Yo, Lix!" Jisung said when he answered the phone, his happy and loud tone immediately hiding away at the sound of sniffling, "oh my God what happened, Felix?"
"I visited Hyunjin and I feel like absolute shit for hating him." Felix cried softly, wiping away the tears streaming down his face. He fortunately didn't wear any makeup.
Jisung went silent for minutes, though those minutes felt like days. Then, his best friend asked in a muttered, sad tone, "what did he say?"
"Hyunjin and Seungmin never fucked, and Hyunjin loved Changbin. He feels like shit for what he did. He never wanted to hurt Binnie." Felix whispered back, his heart constricting at repeating the words that came out of the mans mouth just a hour before.
"Oh," Jisung said in a small voice. Then he sighed in realization, "So it was because of a rumor. All of it was because of a rumor?"
"Yes."
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Changbin's hand was shaking. He contemplated just walking back to his car and driving off. Acting like he never decided to show up to this house would clutter his thoughts though, and he needed answers.
He rang the doorbell, and his breath hitched. When the familiar green door opened, a woman about his height opened the door. She gasped at the sight of him, and Changbin gave her a nervous smile.
"Hello, Ms. Hwang." He said, swaying from one foot the other. The older woman, who still looked shocked let him in the door, leading him to the couch he remembered him and Hyunjin sharing their first kiss on. They had just got done watching Happy Feet when it happened.
"Seo Changbin. I never thought the day would come where you would visit me again." The woman said, sitting in her blue chair. Changbin smiled, responding with, "neither did I."
She laughed, and looked at him expectantly. She knew him all to well, their connection still lasting after all these years.
"I wanted to give this back to you." Changbin said, pulling a ring that was on a silver chain out of his pocket. Ms. Hwang stared at it, and Changbin almost regretted ever coming.
"Dear, you should keep it." She said. Changbin looked at her like she grew another head.
"But Hyunjin said you told him to give it to his-"
"I know what I told him, Changbin." She smiled sadly, pushing Changbin's hand towards himself. "He still loves you. The day before court he told me he wanted to kill himself if it meant he didn't have to live with the guilt of hurting the only man he'd ever actually love the way he loved you."
Changbin's whole body tensed, and he could feel himself tear up at the words.
"Hyunjin never hated you, sweetheart. He never wanted to hurt you. He really, truly loved you with his whole heart and wanted to give his everything to you. So keep it. Unless you can't for other reasons." She smiled at him sadly.
Changbin quickly excused himself, and walked to the bathroom he remembered wiping Hyunjin's cut arm with. The idiot had fallen off his bike and scraped his arm really bad.
He called Felix.
When he answered, Changbin blurted, "She told me to keep it."
"You should keep it. Hyunjin told me to tell you he still loves you and to tell you he hates what he did to you. He told me to tell you all he ever wanted was to love and protect you." Felix said, his voice hoarse. Changbin could tell he'd been crying, and Changbin finally understood.
Hyunjin was going through shit. Changbin was oblivious.
But Changbin also understood that no matter how much he forgave Hyunjin, he could never love him again. He understood that what Hyunjin did traumatized him, and that he'd never get those months of self-hate and suicidal thoughts back. He was forever scarred by what happened all those years ago.
But he forgave Hyunjin.
"Okay, I'll see you when I get home. I love you."
"I love you too, Changbin."
They hung up, and Changbin stood behind the couch.
"Thank you."
"Your welcome."
Ms. Hwang gave Changbin a hug, knowing what had been said was all that was needed. Changbin got in his car, and cried.
He cried for an hour and a half. He never thought he would ever have the confidence to do this, and he never thought he would end up keeping the necklace.
Hyunjin had given Changbin the necklace Hyunjin's father gave to his mother. Hyunjin gave the necklace to him after they had said "I love you" to each other for the first time.
Changbin held the ring to his heart as he cried, and he called Jungkook.
"I- I hate Hwang Hyunjin for loving me."
"I understand." Jungkook's breathy voice came from the other side of the call. "It's okay."
Everything was okay.
Changbin was finally ready to forgive the boy who ruined his life.