"i'm sorry that i'm getting you down, dude, but i used to not share at all." - that one limp bizkit song - sledding with tigers
content warnings: graphic descriptions of violence & blood & trauma, mentions of death, descriptions of physical/mental/emotional abuse, mentions of parental death, allusion to pedophilia but nothing specific or graphically described, parental abandonment
Jude didn't recognize the footsteps as they approached. She would have if they would have been Desmond's, so she didn't worry too much. If it was just a civilian, she could handle herself. She had her knife in her pocket and enough hand to hand training to take down a trained law enforcement officer. Whoever it was sat down on the edge of the merry-go-round and jostled it. They sighed, and then spoke. "Rough night?"
Oh, it was Dean.
Jude was more confused, sitting up and moving back until she was barely in the circle in the middle of the merry-go-round. His back was to her, and she wound her arms around her legs. She was trying to protect herself, knowing that the one person she wouldn't be able to take down would be one of the Winchester brothers. Jude hadn't heard a lot about them, but she had heard enough. They were like machines. "You could say that." She finally caved and responded, "Why are you here?" Jude watched more than heard Dean laugh sarcastically, his elbows on his knees, his head dipped to look at the ground. "You here to take me back to the motel?" Jude pretended like she didn't care.
"Nah." Dean spared her a glance over his shoulder. It was like he had caught on, but Jude hoped that he hadn't. Another thing she had heard about the Winchester family: they had an unfortunate moral spine, and that was the last thing she needed needling around in her life. "Not right now. I'm assuming you were told to scram?" Jude didn't answer. "Castiel is worried about you."
Jude made an idigant noise in her throat - was she supposed to believe that? "He doesn't even know me, man." She shook her head, moving her arm from her legs only long enough to tuck some of her hair behind her ear.
"He's an angel, kid, of course he knows you." Dean turned, groaning as he repositioned himself and scooted forward and mirrored her body language. "Want to tell me what's up?" Jude's face hardened, Dean's face in shadows because the Impala's lights were still on. The merry-go-round was spinning, slowly but surely. Eventually it would be her face in shadows, and honestly? She hoped it stopped spinning then. It was easier to hide in the dark, she had figured out. That's why the monsters she hunted liked it so much - she hated comparing herself to those things that went bump in the night, but it was hard not to.
Jude shrugged at him, doing her best not to show Dean that she was uncomfortable. His gaze was too analytical, too knowing. "It was a hard hunt and I got hungry. Castiel caught me at a bad time. Sorry he fuckin' narced on me to you, man."
Dean cocked his head, ignoring her snark. He looked like he had too much practice with angsty teenagers for a man who barely looked older than thirty - if he was even thirty in the first place. Jude thought it was familiar, that weight on his shoulders. Then again, nearly everything about Dean was familiar in the way that things you've never seen before could be sometimes. "Why didn't Desmond send you with money, then?"
"He passed out after I stitched him up." Jude said like it explained everything. It did, to her at least.
"You stitched him up?"
"Of course I did!" Jude answered. If it was too fast, or too harsh, Dean didn't say anything. "What? Was I supposed to let him stitch his own stomach up? Jesus. I know I'm a kid, but my stitchin' is good enough for state work." She looked away, settling her chin on her bicep as she watched the trees around the park. "Why do you care anyway?" Jude struggled against the instinct to bare her teeth again - she wasn't some fucking feral child, no matter how much she looked or ate like one.
"I think you and I are a lot alike, kid. And, you know, Cas asked me to come check on you." She snorted, something like a wry smile growing on her face. It was bitter, and misplaced on a child's face. There should have been joy there, or at least something that didn't make her look beyond her years and weathered by life. "How long have you been hunting?" Jude chewed on the inside of her cheek, wondering what Desmond would say. Would he answer for her? Would he nod, and tell her that she can answer? Would he give her that Look, that one with hard eyes and a twitch of the lips? Finally, Jude decided, Desmond was not there. There was no way that Desmond would ever find out what she told Dean unless he told her stepfather. Did she dare take that risk?
"I've been hunting since I was born. My Mom liked to joke I was lucky number three, that I was sure someth'n' special." Dean cocked his head, again, and she continued, looking somewhere over his shoulder. Jude almost felt wistful. "My grandmother started our family huntin'. I don't know why, I think she just... I think she just knew, you know? That she was meant for something great. She raised my Mom in the life, and my Mom raised me in the life. I guess I'll eventually raise my kids in the life, too." She met Dean's eyes, and saw something... Something there. Something familiar, but far away. It was like a word she couldn't quite form with her mouth, but had spoken in another life. "When did you start, Dean?"
"I was young, a kid, but not a baby. My Dad started me when I was sixteen. He started Sammy at the same age. We got started 'cause my Mom kicked it." He broke the eye contact, glancing down at his boots. "Your Mom dead, too, kid?"
"Yeah." Jude answered, bluntly. She didn't really care for the way Dean was prying into her life. "Died two years ago. Though, if you ask Desmond she's been dead since I was born." Dean's eyebrows shot up, his eyes snapping back to hers. "No offense, man, you're not exactly the type I'm going to pour my fuckin' heart out to, especially not in a place with the personality of a damn dishrag."
Dean, to her surprise, let out a large, loud laugh that seemed to fill the air around them. It made her crack a smile. "Okay, kid. How about this: I buy you dinner, you answer some questions. Sound good?" Dean's face told her he already knew that she was going to agree. She was starving, the jerky doing nothing to quell the hunger that she had been feeling. She thought about it - really, if something went wrong, couldn't she call for Castiel? If he was truly an angel, something that she didn't really believe, he'd come rescue her. Or... She'd be in a diner, doubtful Dean would try anything. If he tried anything before or after, she could always knife him.
Besides, he was offering free food. That meant she could actually get something she liked for once. Jude cocked her head at him, a small smile playing on her lips. If he was offering, she was going to milk him for everything she could. Decadence, she decided, was something she was going to indulge in for a night. "Sure, Dean. You got a deal." He grinned at her, and it seemed to age him backwards. He almost looked like a kid, and it made a smile grow on Jude's face, as well. He led her to the warmth of his car, barely blinking when she slipped into the front seat. Desmond always made her sit in the back, and dammit, if she got the chance to sit in a front seat she was going to. Decadence, Jude reminded herself. The small things in life.
Dean turned the radio on and found a nice, modern country station. Jude made a face, shifting her back toward the door, curling her feet underneath her. She didn't want to press the hunter too much, because people like them were inpatient at best and volatile at worst. "Listen, bud, I respect you as a hunter and all but do you have anything older? Or anything that's not this?"
Dean spared her a surprised glance, his eyebrows raised. "Older?"
"Something that's not this. Classic country maybe? Cash? Anything else." Dean grinned and reached under his seat, popping a tape in the tape player. "Thank God!" By the miracle of a man who spent too much time in his car, he'd found a Johnny Cash tape. He had chosen One Piece At A Time, somehow landing on one of Jude's favorite tapes.
"You're not too bad, kid." She grinned at the praise, but tried not to preen too much. "I don't know about you, but I saw a diner down the road..." He looked at her, as if he was asking her opinion. With a start, she realized he was. Her eyebrows shot up and she shrugged. Jude wasn't used to people asking opinions of her. Was she supposed to have those?
"Dude, it's your wallet. I think you get to choose where you spend your money." Dean pulled the Impala into the diner parking lot, putting it in park before he turned to Jude, procuring a credit card from the visor. He flashed it at her, cocking one eyebrow and opening the driver side door.
"Actually, it's Dean Stan's wallet." Jude spared Dean a grin and got out of the car, careful not to slam the Impala's door. She didn't want to mess up the seal, or the molding, or whatever. The diner was quaint, but comforting. They found a booth, quickly, and Jude tucked her legs under her, again. "I'll wait until we get our food to start grilling you." Dean became a new person when the waiter arrived, some bored teen boy who decidedly didn't want to be there. Dean was polite and reserved but Jude knew it was because he didn't want to be remembered. It was a good tactic, opposite of the one she usually used when she was out with Desmond. Jude had realized early on that waiters never believed that the cute little girl batting her eyes was an arsonist or a killer. The waiter had left them with menus, which Jude dove into, her eyes scanning over all of the choices. The place was like any other small time diner - too many options all with too much grease. She loved it.
"Yes!" Jude cheered, barely refraining from pumping a fist in the air. "They have curly fries! I'm definitely getting those, and the bacon burger. Do you think they'd caramelize the onions on that for me?" Her eyes followed the text down to the drinks, too focused to realize Dean observing her. She was so hungry, and could really only focus on the fact that she wanted a milkshake. Holy fuck, she wanted a milkshake. "So since you're paying, I can get the strawberry milkshake, right?" She turned her eyes toward him, hoping he was a sucker for puppy-dog eyes.
Dean snorted, finally looking at his own menu. "Yeah, kid, go crazy." When he looked down at his menu, it was Jude's turn to observe him. She had decided on food, so she moved on to thinking thoughts. Usually she wouldn't do that, because thinking certain thoughts led to certain feelings and those always led to disappointment and that always led to more hurt. Jude, though, entertained her thought for a moment, a mere moment, but then she shook it off. Thinking that way, that he could be - it only served to hurt her. It always had in the past. "Actually, the curly fries and bacon burger sounds awesome. I'm allergic to strawberries, though, so I'm not so sure about the milkshake. What other flavor sounds good?"
"Chocolate." Jude finally answered. "Vanilla is good, too, but chocolate is better with the curly fries. Vanilla is just not enough to go with the meal."
Jude hated the way Dean looked like he knew something she didn't know. It was really grinding her gears, eating at something under her skin. She shook her head, trying to rid herself of those thoughts. Not only was it dangerous to have them as a hunter, but as someone who had to deal with Desmond. She had to stay on her toes. She had to stop thinking thoughts.
Dean bobbed his head, resting his elbows on the table in front of him. He templed his hands, setting his chin on them. He was, again, looking at Jude like he knew a secret she wasn't aware even existed. "You're an interesting kid, you know that?"
"I've been told." She quipped, her eyes sliding to the waiter as he meandered back to the table. Dean took care of ordering, Jude looking back and forth between the two men with a tight lipped, awkward smile. "So, should I be worried about you as a person, Dean?" She asked after the waiter moved away.
He almost looked surprised, and a little offended. "What?"
"Dude, listen. I'm here because of the free food. I don't care about what questions you're going to ask, or what shit you're going to peddle. I'm not getting back in that car with you. I don't know what you're aiming for, what you think is going to happen but this is what is going to happen: I am going to eat, you're going to ask whatever fucking questions you want to ask, and then I am walking back to the motel and you are going to leave me alone." Jude said it all with a grin on her face, leaning forward to keep her voice low. Dean seemed more surprised, and then he recoiled in disgust.
"You think - dude, no!"
"You're buying me food and calling me an interesting kid." She deadpanned. Something akin to anger flared in the back of Dean's eyes, and he leaned forward to match her faux jovial facial expression and low voice. Jude had, as she guessed, offended the man.
"Listen, kid, I appreciate that you're looking out for yourself but I don't like what you're insinuating. Motherfuckers like that deserve to die just like the monsters we hunt." Dean snarled. There was passion burning in his eyes, and genuine hurt there as well. Jude pursed her lips and leaned back. "You remind me too much of me at your age. That's all, okay? It's like seeing a mirror freakin' image." Dean rubbed a hand over his chin. "Can't stand it."
"What?" Jude cocked her head, eyes narrowing. "A wicked good hunter?"
"Cocky!" Dean exclaimed, eyebrows shooting up. "I was cocky, too, kid. It's dangerous. And don't think we didn't see your Dad's little show in that barn."
"He's not my Dad." Jude snarled, feeling deja vu wash over her. Hadn't she just said the same thing to Castiel? "And I have a name. I'm not just a kid, not anymore. I don't think I was ever just a kid, Dean." He smiled, but there was no joy in his grin. It didn't reach his eyes.
"I know that, more than you think that you know. I also know what you think about yourself." Dean tilted his head, again, and it was starting to annoy Jude. Didn't he have anything better to do than mock the way she moved when she spoke? "Listen, I'm not going to tell you outright what I think is happening, because I could be wrong. I know I could." He leaned back, gesturing smally with his arms. Dean settled an arm over the back of the booth, his other arm moving so he could run a thumb over his bottom lip. "But I don't think I am." Jude didn't speak. "You were stealing food."
"I was. What about it?" It was Jude's turn to tilt her head again. "You've never had to steal to eat, Dean? I doubt that."
He shifted, glancing over his shoulder. The waiter was putzing around with another table. "I'm not saying that. I just stated that you were stealing food. Nothing more, nothin' less." Something in Jude felt sad, and she tried to push it down. It was never easy to do, but feeling sad - or anything at all - wasn't effective in her line of work. "You don't have to be defensive. I know how it is." They shared a tight lipped smile as the waiter dropped off their food. Dean waited for the man to walk away before he brought the water glass to his mouth, taking a long drink. Jude was tense, watching him. "I think I know more than you're expecting me to."
Jude chewed thoughtfully on one of her fries. "I thought you wanted to ask me questions, not make assumptions." She wanted to scream, she wanted to run away. Her chest felt tight and heavy at the same time, and she wanted to run but he was buying her food and she needed something more than the jerky sticks in her stomach. Jude felt sick. She felt trapped.
"You're right." They ate in silence for close to ten minutes before Dean spoke again. "So if Desmond's not your Dad, what is he?" Jude scowled, her eyes falling to her plate. She followed in his example, chewing slowly on her burger to try and decide what to say. Hadn't she been clear when she was pointing her shotgun at him and his brother? Or did Dean only listen when he wanted to?
"You could call him a step-father, I guess. He and my Mom only really got married because she had- She, uh. Yeah. I guess I'm not sure why she got married to him." Jude shifted, "And before you ask about my Dad, I don't know. She only told me the bare minimum about him, and never gave me a name. I guess he split the day after." She took another bite, chewing as she watched several emotions, all unidentifiable, flicker across Dean's face. "Of course, I guess he was a sap. Gave my Mom a necklace, or maybe he just forgot it on the nightstand. She wasn't really sure, neither am I."
"Can I ask how she died?"
"How did your Mom die?" Jude shot back, defensive. "I'll tell you if you tell me." Her milkshake had melted to a consistency that she was able to drink through a straw. Dean polished off his burger, wiping his hands on the napkin he had in his lap. Jude thought it was strange. Hunters, most of them, had the manners of a sailor. She was no exception, but Dean? Dean had the manners of a civilian. Not only was it weird, but it was out of place.
"Demon." He finally admitted. "My brother was a ploy in some plot to end the world, and my Mom recognized the demon for what he was. He killed her, and that's how my Dad got started in the business." Jude squinted out the window, darkened by night. It had begun to rain, the sound muffled by the tinny music of the diner. "Your turn." Dean snagged several of her curly fries, and she scowled but didn't lash out at him. Something feral in her ticked as he did so, but she knew it was the hunger. She didn't actually care. Jude did everything in her power to try and be as civilized as a hunter could be.
"I can only assume she made a deal with a crossroads demon." Jude dropped the bomb on Dean, watching as the shock flickered across his face. "I don't know what the deal was, but it was six months after my tenth birthday when they came for her. She gave me that stupid fucking necklace she never took off, made me promise-" Jude stuttered to a stop, not ready to tell Dean about Lear, "Made me promise something. She told me to try and find my Dad, to leave Desmond behind as soon as I could, and then... Then they came for her. We were camping, looking for a Wendigo somewhere in Denver, I think. I'm pretty sure I'm legally dead."
Jude watched, amused, as Dean paled. "Why do you say that?"
"Well, the hellhounds tore up the camp pretty good and then the Wendigo came back. We had registered that we were out there, and Desmond came to get me. By the time the Park Rangers came to find us because we hadn't checked out, we were three states away. I'm sure they didn't test all the blood and just assumed I died along with my Mom. It wasn't pretty, dude." Dean blew a breath out of his mouth, and Jude finished the food on her plate. She pushed it out of the way, wiping her mouth as she chewed.
"And you... Watched all of this happen?" Dean was treading lightly, hedging.
Jude snorted, taking a pull from her milkshake. "No, I sat in my tent with my thumb up my ass, wondering who was screaming. Yes, I watched it happen, dumbass." Jude rolled her eyes. "I've dealt with it, Dean. I've paid my dues, I've burnt her body, I've moved on."
"Either you're lying," Dean pressed, "Or you're a psychopath." He laughed, hand over his mouth. "Listen, kid, like I said earlier: it's like lookin' in a fuckin' mirror." His eyes were hard and Jude shifted uncomfortably. "I don't care what you think about me, I don't care what you're telling yourself... I'm sure I've got a clear picture of what's happening here." His finger came down hard on the table, the dull thunk shocking Jude. "Here, take this." He produced something from his sleeve.
Dean slid her a card. It simply had his phone number and his initials on it. She raised her eyebrows. "Why?" Dean leaned back, once more, and Jude mimicked him. "I don't get it. Why would you offer this? I'm just a kid, and I don't know you from Adam's housecat." Neither of them commented on the fact that Dean had never mentioned what he thought was happening. "What do you get out of it?"
"If I'm right then eventually you'll get sick of it. Eventually, you'll want out. I'm assuming you have limited contacts, and when you do want out you'll need somewhere to go. You have to worry about yourself, kid. You can't do that with him breathing down your throat." He knocked a knuckle against the wood of the table. "Now, it's raining pretty hard outside. Sure you don't want a ride back to the motel?" Jude finished the rest of her milkshake and nodded, although reluctantly.
"Yeah, sure." She pocketed the paper with his number on it, and her hand instinctively went to her necklace. She wondered if she'd ever find her Dad, and if he'd be half as understanding as Dean Winchester. "I should get back before he forgets he told me to scram." She tried to make a joke out of it, but Dean shook his head and laid out cash for their meals. Her laughed died in her throat as he led her back to the Impala. "Dean?" She buckled herself in as Dean fiddled with the radio, settling on an old country tape. She smiled when Tanya Tucker began to croon through the speakers of the car. "What's it like to be away?" She didn't say free like she wanted to, but hopefully it was implied. Dean grinned at her as he pulled out of the diner, flipping his brights on.
"You probably already know this, but it's like I was made to hunt. Dad raised me to do nothing but protect Sammy and kill monsters. It's what I'm good at." He kept his eyes on the road, lips pursed. "The first time I realized I was actually free from my Dad was somewhere in Texas. It was Sammy and I, sitting on the hood of the Impala. He was rinsing his mouth with a water bottle after brushing his teeth. I told him he looked like Dad, and he looked at me like I was crazy. He asked me why, and I told him that Dad taught him that. He looked at me with this look on his face, couldn't tell you what it meant for the life of me. I guess I taught him that. It was like a slap in the face. Something that I thought Dad taught him, I taught him. He laughed at me, and got back into the Impala and told me he'd found a case. Didn't mention our Dad again for a week. That's when I knew." Dean nodded, and swallowed hard. "We're here. I'm going back out, Sammy asked me to pick up some lettuce or something before I came back. I'm sure Cas will need something, too. Don't forget to call me if you need anything, kid."
Dean waited until she was inside the motel room until he pulled off, and she heard the engine disappear into the sounds of the rain. She ran her fingers around the edge of the card with his number scrawled on it, and tucked it behind the photograph of her mother and Ellen. She traced the outline of the boy in the other photograph she kept, and then turned to face the music.
Jude expected a lot of things, but one thing she did not expect was an empty motel room. Her stuff was still neatly packed at the end of her bed, but Desmond - and all of his shit - was gone.