A/N: Take a deep breath before this one. There is a lot of triggering material in it. This chapter is a little longer than the previous chapters. There was some material I didn't want to rush.
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Chapter 8:
The Deep End
Visiting her brother always put Alison on edge. Not because she didn't love him, but because she felt responsible for the way things had ended up for him.
Aria had gone with her to visit him. Spencer had come, too, for legal purposes. She wanted to talk to Jason about the court appointed lawyer he'd been given.
Alison thought about asking Emily to come with her, but she was worried that it might be crossing the line. She knew that Emily would come to support her, and Alison didn't think that was the best idea. She wanted to try and keep Emily out of her drama. Plus she knew that Emily had an appointment at the doctor to get her liver and kidney values checked. And Emily was always edgy when she came home from her doctor's appointments.
The visitation area was tiny. Alison felt crammed in with Spencer and Aria both there, but at the same time she was glad she wasn't alone.
She'd been in her head about Emily ever since their encounter after the disastrous night at the club two nights ago. That kiss had sparked something in both of them. She could tell Emily wanted more, and she wanted more. But she also knew Emily was vulnerable. They were taking it slow.
She wanted more than anything to be with the brunette instead of packed into a tiny stuffy room that smelled like piss. She hated that her brother was stuck behind bars. But she also knew there was nothing she could do about it. He wouldn't let her do anything about it.
"Are the shackles really necessary?" Aria frowned at the officer who'd walked Jason in.
"It's protocol, ma'am." He locked Jason's feet in place and then walked towards the door.
"I am not a ma'am." Aria's eyes burned with a fiery gaze. "I am 26 years old, thank you very much."
"Ease up, Mother of Dragons. No need to burn Westeros to the ground." Spencer tried to rein her in.
"No one understands your nerdy references, Spencer." Alison rolled her eyes.
"It's good to see you all, too," Jason said sarcastically.
"How are you doing?" Alison started to reach across the table to touch his hand, but he pulled it away and shook his head.
The cop was watching from outside and they didn't allow physical contact, which sucked, because Alison could really use a hug from her big brother.
"I hate this place." Alison sighed.
"It's not so bad, Ali." He was lying. Alison knew he was lying and it just made her feel worse. "I've got structure here. Three hots and a cot. Just like old times overseas."
"Complete with maniac terrorists trying to kill you."
"No worse than the action I saw over there."
"We can see about getting you transferred if you're having problems with the other inmates." Spencer suggested.
"No guarantee I'll end up anywhere better. Besides, who knows what's going to happen now that they're looking at my file again?"
"I don't understand how they can do this. Isn't double jeopardy a thing? Didn't they make a movie out of it?" Alison grumbled.
"That doesn't apply here...because double jeopardy is something that prohibits someone from being prosecuted twice for the same crime. They're not looking at trying him again. They're looking at something else." Spencer explained. She faced Jason. "I want to know what, if anything, you've told your legal team."
"I told them to fuck off. I don't want them bringing up old shit."
"Why do they feel the need to?" Spencer asked.
"I have no idea. I'm guilty. I'm admitting to that. It's why I'm here."
"Maybe they're trying to find a way to tie you to another crime." Spencer wrote something down in her notepad. She was too busy scrawling to notice Alison's reaction.
"They can't do that, can they?" Alison asked.
"They can look all they want. There are no other crimes." Jason wasn't intimidated.
"We're talking about the system." Alison argued. "You know it's corrupt. I will not have them trying to corner you."
"Ali, calm down." Aria put her palm on the blonde's shoulder.
The visit only got worse from there. Alison gritted her teeth as she listened to Spencer grill her brother.
After a while, Alison had to excuse herself. She said she needed to get some water, but the way she flew out of the room told her friends otherwise.
Spencer went after her. Jason stared at the door helplessly. All he'd ever wanted to do was protect his little sister. But he couldn't because he was chained to the goddamned table.
"Maybe you should go after her. Spencer doesn't have the best sensitivity chip..."
"Spencer doesn't have a sensitivity chip at all." Aria scoffed. "But she knows how to speak Alison-ese, trust me."
"How is she doing?"
"You know your sister." Aria smiled weakly.
"So...avoiding every possible feeling she possibly can while trying to work on other people's problems?"
"Bingo."
"It was hard for her. Seeing all that happen and then me being hauled off to prison...it was a lot for her to process."
"I still think it's bullshit they locked you up. You had two stab wounds. It was self-defense."
"Too bad you weren't my attorney." Jason laughed.
"I would not do well in a courtroom. I'd last all of two minutes before threatening to kill the opposing counsel and then I'd end up behind bars myself."
"You and Ali were cut from the same cloth when it comes to protecting your loved ones. It's why you're both doing that goody-two-shoes hotline." He chuckled. His smile turned into a genuine look of approval. "Seriously though, I'm proud of you two. You guys are making a difference. It's more than most people. And I know it gives Alison something to occupy her time. She staying busy?"
Aria's mind immediately went to Emily. She wasn't sure how much to tell Jason. She wasn't sure how much Alison had told him.
"Yeah, actually." She hesitated before adding. "She met this girl. She's a vet, like you. Ali has been working with her, helping her readjust to being back home. They've been spending a decent amount of time together."
Jason prickled up at the thought of it, but only because he knew exactly where the girl's head was at if she'd just gotten home from a war zone.
"How bad are her outbursts? Are they anything like mine?"
"I don't know. I don't think so. I know everyone is different." She cringed when she thought of seeing Jason at his lowest. "From what Alison has told me, she has nightmares and panic attacks. And she doesn't like to be touched."
That caught Jason's attention.
"And how would Alison know that?" He asked. Aria didn't get a chance to reply before he'd put it all together. "She's sleeping with her, isn't she?"
"No." Aria fibbed, though it wasn't technically a lie. Alison had only slept with Emily once. "No, it's not like that at all. I think she just feels comfortable talking to Alison because they found this...connection..." Aria tried to tiptoe around the fact that Emily was living with his sister. "And Alison feels like she's meant to help her, because...well..."
"Because of me. Because she couldn't help me. And she sees someone like me who is in trouble." Jason sighed.
"There's more to it."
"Is she nice?"
"Seems to be. I've only talked to her a few times in passing. But she cares about your sister. And Ali cares about her."
"I assume you're keeping a close eye on the situation, making sure she's not getting in over her head?"
"Always."
She had been watching them from afar. She knew that Emily was struggling with something in her past, and she knew that Emily had a habit of pulling away when she felt overwhelmed. She knew that Alison was helping her with her panic attacks and her PTSD. Alison had been helping her channel her pain into healthy outlets.
Aria had also seen the way Emily was with Alison. She was softer around her. She seemed to know her limits. She was careful. Her protective nature kept her at just the right distance to be there for Alison without putting her in danger.
"Your sister will be fine." Aria assured him.
"Yeah. I know. She's got you by her side." He looked like he wanted to reach out and touch her hand, but the chains kept him from doing so. "You're taking care of yourself, too, right?"
"I am."
"How's Ellie?"
"Good." Aria smiled. "She's good." She reached into her pocket. "They wouldn't let me bring my phone in, so the only picture I have of her is this one my mom took of her playing with bubbles. She loves bubbles."
"She's adorable. She looks just like you."
"Holden says the same thing. Every night when he reads her a bedtime story and sings her nursery rhymes they point to their noses and he tells her she got my little button nose and that she's lucky that she didn't get her daddy's big honker. She laughs every time."
"I always did like him. He's a decent guy." He looked at Aria. "He treats you right, doesn't he?"
"Very much so."
"Good. I'd kick his ass otherwise..." He glanced at his shackles, "...or send someone else to do it. I want nothing but the best for you. You've been there for us even when we didn't deserve it. Your little girl has a great mom." Jason smiled. "And a great name. Little Ellie belly."
"We were worried about the name at first. I remember hearing a story my sophomore year in college about a little girl named Ellie a few towns over who met a tragic end." She shuddered thinking about it. She didn't realize it yet, but that story was connected to her best friend now. That story was Emily's past. "It really stayed with me. And I was afraid that every time I looked at my daughter I would think about it. But I don't see anything other than my love for her when I see her little face."
"I mean, how can you not? Look at those little dimples." He stared at the picture of the toddler.
Aria looked at Alison's big brother. He was in prison for murder, but he was one of the softest people she knew. It didn't make any sense. She looked around the bare dank room. She stared at the shackles on his limbs.
Jason looked up and saw the pensive expression on her face.
"Jason, how did it end up like this?" Aria sighed.
He slid the picture of Ellie back over to Aria.
"It doesn't really matter. We can't change anything." He had a hesitant look on his face. "I'm where I belong, Aria." His face was hard, but his eyes were still as soft as they'd been when he was a little boy. "And I'm going to be here until I die. So do what you've always done best. Go boss my sister around. And hug your baby girl tight. And give her a kiss from her Uncle Jason."
Aria nodded. She said her goodbyes and then went to check on her friends.
Surprisingly, Spencer had calmed Alison down. Alison asked to talk to her brother alone for a little while, so Spencer and Aria sat in the waiting area.
Alison cried when she had to leave him. Fortunately, he was allowed physical contact when they were saying goodbye. She hugged him and told him she loved him. He told her not to worry.
She was in a bad mood on the drive home. After she dropped Aria off Spencer turned to her with a determined look on her face.
"Nothing is going to happen to him. I promise."
"Don't make promises you can't keep."
"Don't forget who you're talking to here. I'm the things sharks fear."
"Only because they know if they eat you you'll give them indigestion."
Spencer didn't laugh. She was very serious about her business.
"Ali, if I'm going to do this I need to know everything."
"You already know everything." Alison kept her eyes on the road, refusing to meet Spencer's gaze.
"What happened that night?"
"I have told you this a thousand times."
"Well, tell me a thousand and one."
"Dad and his friend were drunk. Dad was yelling at me and pushing me around. Jason didn't like it. He jumped them. Dad's psycho friend grabbed a knife and stabbed Jason. Jason pulled his gun and warned them to back off, and when they didn't he pulled the trigger."
"I still don't understand how your mom was hit..."
"She was trying to pull everyone apart." Alison gripped the steering wheel. "I don't get why after all this time they're drudging it up. It's stupid. What are they even looking at anyway?"
"I can't say for sure, but I can guess what they're calling in to question. The trajectory of the bullets, the area where the bodies were found, and the blood trails from Jason's injuries. There are just some things that don't add up. Things that other lawyers are looking in to. And it would be really helpful for me if you just told me everything you remember."
"It all happened so fast. I don't know what else to tell you. Talk to Jason."
"You saw how well that went over today. Look, I'm on your side here. If there's something he's hiding...if he did something...I've got his back. There is no courtroom that I can't dazzle."
"We're talking about my brother's life here. Not some spectator sport in a courthouse."
"You get that I'm trying to help him, right?"
"You and I both know that he doesn't want help. And when someone is in that mindset, it's best to just back away."
"Is that so?" Spencer raised a curious brow at her. "So then...what exactly are you doing with Emily? How is that any different?"
"Leave her out of this. She has nothing to do with this."
"Tell me you didn't take her on because you're trying to keep yourself busy..."
"I didn't take anyone on. She's not a chore." Alison snapped. "What do you have against her anyway? You don't even know her."
"How exactly am I supposed to get to know her? She hisses and retreats into a corner when the doorbell rings."
"If you keep talking I'm going to shove you out of this car without stopping."
"I'm not trying to upset you. I'm just pointing out that maybe there are similarities to not being able to save your brother and trying to save her in his place. Because you've really latched on to her..."
Because I think I love her. Alison knew better than to say it out loud, especially to Spencer.
"How much does she know about this? I mean, she is living with you, which I still maintain is a terrible idea." Spencer shook her head. "But she deserves to know the truth."
"She knows. She dragged it out of me less than 24 hours after she'd come home with me. And to be honest, it was liberating. I didn't want the foundation that we're trying to build to be based on lies. I want her to know that she can be open with me, because I'm open with her."
"You should hear yourself talk sometimes," Spencer uttered with a laugh. "You sound like Doctor Phil."
"And you sound like a bitch. What's your point?"
Spencer rolled her eyes and then let out a sigh. She knew there was no use arguing with Alison. She was worse than a hostile witness.
"You really care about her, don't you?" Spencer questioned.
"I do."
"Can I ask you a question without you chewing my head off?" Spencer's tone softened.
"Depends on the question."
"Why does it mean so much to you for her to be a part of your life? As long as I've known you you've never once reached out to anyone the way you reach out for her."
Alison thought about the question. She knew the answer, but she wasn't going to tell Spencer.
"I knew when I met her that I wanted her in my life. I can't explain it. And she...she's been good for me, Spence. She's got me opening up in ways I hadn't even realized were possible. You only know a fraction of who she really is. She may not be social with you, but she's different with me."
Spencer clucked her tongue. She still had concerns. She was worried that Alison was so blinded by her feelings that she couldn't see where this relationship was heading.
"That's what everyone in a toxic relationship says."
"I swear to God..." Alison gripped the steering wheel. "Don't test me or you're going to be eating asphalt."
"I'm sorry. I just worry about you. You said yourself she has violent tendencies. I just don't want you to get hurt."
"The only person she hurts is herself." She flinched. She had bad dreams where Emily tried to kill herself and succeeded. It freaked her out, because she knew it was highly possible. She couldn't be with Emily every second of the day. "Well, herself...and jag-off drunk men who think it's okay to grab a woman without consent..."
"Did that happen to you?" Spencer's eyes widened.
"Look at me. Look at this body. Of course it happened to me." Alison glanced at her like she was dumb for asking the question. "Emily came to my defense. But a bunch of guys jumped her. She got hurt. That's how she ended up staying at my house in the first place."
"So...when I called that morning for Aria's parents' wedding shower..."
"She had a concussion. And bruised ribs. She probably even had some internal bleeding. Cece patched her up. But she was in a lot of pain. I couldn't leave her."
"Why didn't you tell me that?" Spencer gawked.
"Would you have listened?"
Spencer knew she was right.
"I can't believe a bunch of men ganged up on her. What is happening to this society?"
"There are a lot of assholes out there. And they're dangerous. But that didn't stop Emily. They started it. But she finished it. And she's been looking out for me every day since. She's never laid a finger on me, Spencer. And I don't appreciate the suggestion either. If anyone was abusive it was my fucking father."
"I'm really sorry, Ali. I didn't know. And I get that you have feelings for her. But please promise me you'll be careful. PTSD can be unpredictable. I don't want to get a phone call in the middle of the night that my best friend was accidentally shot in her own home after a PTSD trigger set someone off. I mean, with Jason and your parents it only took a few seconds. One split second. That's all it takes."
"She doesn't have her guns. Not when she's at the house."
"You can't know that for sure."
"I trust her."
"Okay." Spencer put her hands up in a submissive manner. "Fine. I won't mention it again..."
You most definitely will...
Alison knew her friend. She was relentless. But Alison was adamant about defending Emily. She was certain that the brunette was coming around. It was taking time, but she'd been through a lot.
But Alison didn't know the half of it.
She didn't know that at that very moment Emily was sitting on a bus heading towards the life she'd spent so long avoiding. Alison knew that Emily battled demons when she was awake and when she was asleep.
What she didn't know was that Emily was looking for one certain demon.
Emily's past haunted her everywhere she went. And after she'd been drugged at the club she decided not to be caught unaware again.
She needed to make sure it wasn't him. So she took a cab from her doctor's appointment to the bus station and then took a bus halfway there. She still remembered the route. She remembered having Ethan and Ellie by her side the last time. It was painful being surrounded by the empty space.
She got off several stops short, just to be on the safe side. She pulled up her hood and shoved her hands into the front pocket of her dark colored hoodie. She didn't want to risk being seen by anyone.
She walked the remaining two miles to her old neighborhood. She had her hand on her concealed weapon the entire time.
She hadn't set foot on the block in years. After she joined the army she'd made a vow that she'd never come home. She'd just as soon die overseas.
But life was a fickle little bitch. And here she was standing on the very soil she'd promised to burn to the ground the night she left.
Only this time she was alone.
The house had been condemned. The shutters were falling apart. The windows were busted. There was moss and wood rot everywhere. The lawn was overgrown. There were at least three dozen decaying newspapers tossed all over the yard.
How fucking stupid is the paperboy? Clearly no one was picking them up.
The old swingset out front had rusted over and was falling apart. Ethan had taught her how to swing on those swings, and in turn they'd both taught their baby sister.
She hadn't thought about her sister in a long time. It was too painful to conjure her memory, so Emily kept it buried. But when she saw the house she couldn't think of anything else.
Twisted memories and nightmares swirled around in her head. As she stared at the blurry flashes of her childhood the house morphed into a painful reminder of the way things had ended up after her father died.
She felt dizzy. The house looked distorted. She could hear the sounds of her younger self crying and begging for everything to stop. She closed her eyes to try and get control of herself, but when she opened them back up she was staring at a memory she'd pushed away.
She was standing outside of a small brick building with her brother by her side. They were waiting on their little sister to get out of school.
Ethan could tell Emily was in pain. He'd put his hand on her shoulder.
"Hey, you okay? That was a pretty wicked nightmare you had last night. Was it..."
"No." Emily cut him off. "No, it was nothing."
"It didn't seem like nothing. I have them, too. He..."
"It wasn't him, okay?"
"Was it the shooting? Do you...do you still dream about that?"
"Sometimes." Emily swallowed hard. "I can still see his face..."
Ethan knew it was difficult for her to talk about. She'd closed down after she'd witnessed the shooting. She'd thought about her father's death a lot, but she rarely ever talked about it. She'd come out of that restaurant a different kid than she'd been when she'd walked in. Everyone had come out different.
Ethan remembered the frantic cries from the people who had been injured. And he remembered his mom screaming for his father and his sister.
"You're not alone. I hear the gunshots when I close my eyes sometimes." There was a crack in Ethan's voice, a hitch. "And I feel like I can still hear mom screaming."
"Going to the bathroom probably saved your lives."
"Yeah, probably." He sounded like he wanted to say more, but was hesitant to do so.
She knew he harbored a lot of guilt for not being there by her side. He thought he could have stopped it, even though they both knew he couldn't have done anything.
"You can talk to me about it, Ethan. I know you went through hell, too."
"At least I had mom. I can't imagine..."
"It felt like it was going to last forever." In some ways, it had. "Even when it was over it didn't feel like it was over. I was so terrified that I was never going to see you and mom again."
"I felt the same way. It was so surreal. There was so much carnage, but I didn't really register it at the time. I was in shock. I remember...there was this kid. About your age. She was walking around covered in blood and crying. At first mom thought it was you. When we got over to her she saw that it wasn't, but she picked her up anyway. We never did find her parents. I remember she screamed when the cops took her away from mom. Mom was crying, too."
"I never really thought about how painful it must have been for her...to know that dad and I were in there and not know..."
"I'd never seen her so distraught. She was making noises that I'd never heard coming from any human. Ever. When the police carried you out I thought she was going to collapse."
Emily remembered crying when she saw her mother. She remembered fighting her way out of the officer's grip and running over to her. Her mother had fallen to her knees and sobbed when she had her in her embrace.
All Emily had said was, "mommy, daddy is hurt..."
She hadn't comprehended until later that he was dead.
"You didn't talk for almost three weeks." Ethan remembered how much the silence had bothered him. "Your nightmares were some of the worst I've ever seen."
He'd heard the screaming. He'd witnessed the thrashing. He'd seen his mother washing her sheets in the middle of the night after she'd wet the bed.
"That had to be hard on you and mom. You were already going through so much." Emily sighed. "Part of me thinks that she went looking for help...for anyone to fill the void...and she found him..." And he had manipulated her and used her. "I feel like it's my fault. Sometimes I wish I had died with dad."
"Don't say that." Ethan growled in shock.
"She never would have met him if it wasn't for me. I feel like you and mom would have been better off..." Emily bit back tears.
"There is absolutely no world in which that would ever be true. I've only made it this far because I've had you."
He grabbed her hand. Ethan was the only person in the world who could touch her and not make her skin crawl. She wouldn't find that again until years later when she met a determined young blonde.
There was a quiet moment between the siblings. Emily squeezed her brother's hand.
A school bell jingled and they both looked up.
"You ever think about taking off?" Ethan glanced at his watch.
"Every day." Emily watched the crowd of kids disperse, meeting their happy and eager parents. They didn't have that. Their sister had never had that. "But we can't leave her."
"Maybe we could find a way to take her with us. I've been saving up my cash from the car repair shop, and I know you've been doing the same with your tip money."
"Yeah, but how long will that last? Where would we get the money to keep her fed and keep a roof over her head? And then there's school..."
"Yeah." He sighed. "Besides, the fucker would just come after us. Find a way to make it kidnapping." His face was red. "If he wasn't so close to his asshole cop buddies this would be so much easier. I'd waltz into the station right now and tell them everything if I thought they'd believe me. But they'd just laugh me right out the door."
"I thought about maybe telling that one cop. The one who used to live next door. Garrett. But then I saw him chatting it up with him and laughing over a beer." Something in her stance changed. She shifted uncomfortably. "He started early that night. I barely even made it through the door..."
It enraged her brother to hear that.
"Fuck him. I hate him. I wish mom had never met him."
"Well, she did." Emily looked at the ground, her eyes stinging with tears. "Is it wrong of me to be mad at her?"
"No. I get angry all the time. I get mad because she let him into our lives. I get angry that she died and left us with him. But then I feel terrible. Because I miss her so much."
"I miss dad. If he was still alive none of this would be happening."
There was a beat of silence. Emily heard her brother grinding his teeth. He did that when he was deep in thought.
"We could kill him," he had an ominous tone in his voice.
Emily hadn't been surprised by the suggestion. In fact, the thought had crossed her mind before. She'd been terrified that meant she was a bad person. Hearing her brother say the words out loud made her feel less out of control. But she also realized it wasn't realistic.
"But then what happens to Ellie?"
"What happens to her if we don't?" Ethan rubbed a bruise on his arm.
Emily looked at the red marks around Ethan's neck and she felt a surge of anger.
"If he ever lays a finger on her I WILL kill him." She moved her arms in front of her chest and hugged herself.
There was a quiet lingering tension in the air. Ethan touched Emily's arm.
"I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. I should have done more. You were just a kid..."
"So were you."
They heard their little sister giggling as she burst out the school doors. The teacher behind her waved at them. They waved back.
"Efan!" She hadn't quite mastered her "th" sounds yet, but she was working on it. "Emmy, look...look what I made in class!"
She ran over to them in excitement, her little pink backpack flopping around on her shoulders. She held up a mosaic of different colored squares that had been glued to a paper plate and wrapped in suran wrap.
"It catches the sun!" Ellie looked at her older siblings.
"Wow, that's so cool. I want to make one!" Ethan picked her up.
"I can show you." She was excited.
But she never got the chance.
Two days later she was dead.
Emily's skin crawled at the memory. If she had just listened to Ethan they could have found a way to make it work. They could have taken off with their little sister in tow. They would both still be alive.
Emily took a step towards the house. Leaves crunched underneath her feet. Every step she took felt like a dagger slowly being inched into her chest. She felt a piercing pain in her heart. And she felt the looming fear from her childhood. She didn't realize how much she was sweating until she felt a droplet of moisture dripping down her neck.
"Emmy, I wanna go higher!" She could hear Ellie's giggles as she pumped her legs on the swing.
Emily ducked under the caution tape on the rotting front porch, careful to make sure not to step on areas that were falling apart.
"Can I have more cheese, pwease?"
If Emily closed her eyes she could almost smell the burned grilled cheese sandwiches that Ethan made. Ellie loved the burned toast and cheap cheese.
After a few seconds, the smell of her childhood faded and it was replaced with a rancid stench.
The inside of the house was as much in shambles as the outside. Most of the house had been stripped bare. There were a few stray trinkets strewn about, but the bastard had obviously taken everything with him when he left.
There was garbage littered about. The place smelled like death. It hurt Emily to see it. Because it had been her mother's house. They'd been a family before he came along.
A cockroach skittered across the floor in front of her. She raised her boot up and brought it down hard against the creature. It crunched beneath her foot. When she looked down at the floor she saw something shimmering in the sunlight shining through the broken window.
She bent down and found a broken earring. She swallowed a knot in her throat when she realized it was a four leaf clover her dad had gotten her mother for Christmas one year. He'd always said his family brought him luck.
The last time she'd seen it Ellie had been playing dress up with some of their mother's old things. She'd toddled over to Emily in a pair of high heels that were way too big for her.
"Tell me about mommy, Emmy."
Emily teared up. She shoved the earring in her pocket and continued her search.
She stared at what used to be the living room, her eyes fixed on a dark stain on the mildew-ridden carpet.
"She's dead!"
That night came rushing back to her.
She could see his rage as he screamed at her.
"I'm going to fucking kill you, you hear me?"
"Em, run! RUN!"
She backed up against the wall and tried to catch her breath. She slowly backed out of the room and made her way down the hallway to her old room that she'd shared with her little sister.
She stared at the hole in the drywall, remembering the pain she'd felt when she'd been thrown against the wall when she was fourteen. She'd been trying to protect Ethan that day.
She looked at the little area against the wall where Ellie's bed had once been. She saw a ratty stuffed animal in the corner, but she couldn't force herself to go over and pick it up. She searched through the room to see if she could find anything that would tell her where he'd gone.
When she didn't find anything in her room she pushed herself to go to her mother's old bedroom. She stopped at the door, her heart beating wildly in her chest. She gripped the edge of the door frame, digging her nails into the soft wood. The door was falling off of its hinges. She took a deep breath and walked into the room.
She rooted around for a few minutes. She found a ripped portion of cardboard from a local pizzeria and a crumpled up receipt from a gas station dated two years back. Most of what she found was trash.
She stopped when she got to the broken vanity mirror on the wall. She stared at her shattered reflection. And for some reason it made her angry. She didn't like to see herself. She felt a sense of disgrace when she looked at her mirror image. It was like a strange taunting feeling inside telling her that she didn't measure up to who she could have been.
She thought she saw movement in the reflection behind her. She thought she saw his face. She spun around without looking and thrust her fist towards the object. Her knuckles made contact with a crack in the drywall.
When she realized it was her mind playing tricks on her she let out a frustrated growl and pulled back and hit the wall again. She didn't feel the skin peeling off of her knuckles, but she saw the blood on the wall.
She hastily moved away from the mirror and over to the closet. She grabbed the doorknob. All kinds of horrible memories came pouring back to her. She tightened her grip on the door handle and peered down at the empty crawl space. She looked at the scratches on the inside of the door. She remembered the blood on her fingers...the sheer desperation of wanting to save her sister.
"What the fuck am I doing?" she uttered.
She was tearing open all the wounds she had inside...for what? For a ghost from her past? There was a brief moment of panic, because what if she was creating the chaos in her life? What if what she was doing now brought on a whole new world of trouble? Could she really afford that? What if she put Alison in danger? She couldn't stand the idea of something happening to her. It terrified her.
She kept telling herself she needed to walk away. For Alison's sake. But then she thought about that night at the club.
That "Happy birthday" had felt so real.
She couldn't let it go. She knew seeing him was probably just a figment of her imagination, but she knew she wouldn't be able to live her life without knowing exactly where he was, which she was hoping was in the ground. Everyone else in her life ended up dead. Maybe he'd been buried, too.
She saw a scrap of paper in the back of the closet. She was hard-pressed to go in and get it. She felt like she was trapped, even though the door was open. She quickly sprang forward and grabbed it and then moved back into the open area of the room, gasping for breath.
She stared at the stained business card in her hand. It looked old and the paper was falling apart. She flipped it over and saw a handwritten number on the back. She put the card in her pocket with the earring she'd found.
Her phone buzzed, scaring the shit out of her.
"Jesus." She huffed. Her pulse was radiating into her ears.
She hurried out of the house, unable to stand being under that roof one second longer. She reached for her phone as she walked out into the backyard.
She looked at the caller ID, assuming it was Alison calling to check in. But it was her doctor's office. She thought about ignoring it.
She couldn't afford what she knew he was going to tell her. Her liver values had slowly been getting higher. But she couldn't afford to be sick. Her Disability Compensation was mere pennies. She couldn't afford any more hospital stays. She couldn't afford much of anything.
She begrudgingly answered the call. The doctor was short and to the point, and Emily appreciated his brevity. She already knew the spiel, and he knew that she knew.
When she got off the phone she went right back to her investigation. She spent the rest of the day at the library scouring the internet to see if the phone number would lead her anywhere. She tried to look him up and see if she could find a current address. When that didn't work she went as far as looking in the phonebook. She didn't even know phonebooks were still a thing. But she found one.
And while she was busy perusing old outdated practices of communication, Alison was sitting at home, slowly working on her highest grade bottle of pinot.
The blonde had spent all day working on her alcohol buzz. The visit to her brother had been hard enough, but when she came home and found the house empty there had been a certain sense of dread that crept into her veins. She'd texted Emily, but didn't get a response.
Alison didn't like not knowing where Emily was. Everything felt so fucked up. She had let herself fall for this girl. And she knew it was bound to end badly.
She'd poured herself one glass of wine and tried to nurse it over time, but one glass turned into three. And three turned into five. And as she waited on Emily to get home she consumed more.
She sat in the living room for hours staring at the front door, wondering whether or not she'd ever see the brunette again.
After a while, Alison walked out back to the pool. The water looked so blue at night. She stared at her reflection. She barely recognized herself. She'd gone from a high school bully to some do-gooder who was working on a lost cause.
Alison listened to the sound of the small waterfall and stared at the ripples in the water, thinking about what Jason had said to her when it was just the two of them at the prison.
"They didn't find anything then. They won't find anything now. This is just some glorified law student trying to play Scooby Doo."
"This is all my fault..."
"You need to stop blaming yourself, Ali. I made the choice that day. I did this to myself. And I'd do it again in a heartbeat. You're my sister. And no matter what happens, it's you and me, kid. Always."
Alison took another sip of her wine. She glared at the water again, thinking about what Spencer had said to her on the ride home.
"With Jason and your parents it only took a few seconds. One split second. That's all it takes."
She took another drink of her alcohol, polishing off the glass. She put it down on the small table next to a pool chair.
She rubbed her forehead. She felt so hot, even in the cold evening air. She closed her eyes and imagined Emily's arms around her. She wanted her so badly.
Alison looked around her backyard and suddenly felt all alone. She'd never been more isolated in her life.
She drunkenly wiggled out of her skirt and leaned over the pool, staring at the bottom, staring at the lights built in just a few inches from the base of the deep end. They looked like tiny shining beacons of hope.
Lies. All lies. Hope is stupid. Hope hurts. Fuck hope.
She lifted her arms, spreading them out into the air. She leaned over until she felt herself falling forward. She belly-flopped into the water. It was freezing, and she felt the chill immediately. But it was just the ice she needed to freeze the fire in her brain.
She heard Lupo's toenails tapping against the hard surface around the pool as he paced around the perimeter.
He barked at her and she grumbled and slipped underneath the water. She just wanted some peace and quiet. Her shirt flowered out in the water, puffing up in front of her face. It was annoying her, so she stripped out of it, leaving her in her bra and underwear.
She closed her eyes and listened to the sounds of the water whooshing around her.
The vibrations of the outside noises slowed down. There was something calming about the sound. It was soothing, like being safe inside her mother's womb.
Sometimes she wished she'd never been born. Sometimes she wondered how different the world would be without her existence.
Is this what Emily feels like every day? It was horrible
Under the water, she couldn't hear anything. So she didn't hear her front door open and close. She didn't hear Emily's footsteps as she walked into the living room.
Inside, Emily only heard the silence of the house. She felt uneasy.
"Ali?" Emily called out.
Emily felt eerie when she got no response. She saw the empty wine bottle sitting on the edge of the counter. She chewed on her lip. Alison didn't usually drink.
"Alison?" She raised her voice.
She heard Lupo barking from the backyard. Seconds later he came flying through the doggy door. He paced over to Emily. She reached down to stroke his head. He nudged her with his nose and whined. Then he turned around and ran out the doggy door again.
Emily followed him. She walked out the back door. She called Alison's name again and got no response.
She was about to go back inside, but she noticed the dog's odd behavior. He kept pacing the length of the pool. He crouched on his haunches like he wanted to jump in, but stopped short. He pawed at the water.
Her eyes adjusted to the darkness and she realized that there was something floating on the opposite end of the pool.
She glanced at the wine glass and her mind immediately went back to how she'd been drugged at the club. What if someone had followed them? What if it was someone who wanted to hurt her, and they'd come to finish the job and they'd found Alison instead?
Emily's heart seized in her chest when she realized that she was looking at Alison's body in the water.
She didn't stop to think. She just reacted. She took a running leap and jumped headfirst into the pool. She threw her arms forward until she reached Alison. She grabbed her.
The second her arms made contact she felt a resistance. They both splashed to the surface. Alison jerked back, not realizing that it was Emily.
"What the hell?" Alison sputtered, splashing water all over the place. Emily had scared the shit out of her.
Emily breathed a sigh of relief.
"Jesus Christ, Ali. You almost gave me a fucking heart attack." She could smell the alcohol on her breath.
"Doesn't feel so good, does it?" Alison realized that for once, the tables were turned. "Welcome to my world."
"Don't start with me." Emily wiped some water away from her face. "How much have you had to drink?"
"Enough to put a Russian vodka connoisseur to shame." Alison smiled, leaning back against the water.
"And you thought swimming in this cold weather was a good idea?"
"You're lecturing me about drinking? That's rich." Alison scoffed, kicking back away from her.
Emily followed her, worried she'd slip under the surface again.
"You're surly when you're shitfaced." Emily frowned. "You could have drowned, you know that?"
"I know how to swim, Emily." She grumbled childishly.
"Get out of the pool."
"No."
"Alison, get out of the fucking pool or I'll drag you out."
"Make me." Alison lazily moved forward.
She put her arms over Emily's shoulders and pushed her body against Emily's. She smiled when she felt Emily's body heat against her. Emily froze. She felt a hot bolt of desire shooting through her veins.
Alison pushed her lips out into a pout and looked up at Emily. She wanted to tell Emily to fuck her senseless, but then she saw something strange in the brunette's eyes.
Emily looked so tired. And there was a strange new hint of pain she'd never seen in her before. Alison moved to touch Emily's cheek, her thumb lightly moving under the pronounced dark circles that were standing out against her skin.
Oh, honey... Alison thought sympathetically.
"You look like shit." The blonde frowned.
Emily had to laugh. Alison was completely sloshed and she was telling her she looked like shit.
"So do you. Bad day at the pen?" She slowly kicked backwards, taking Alison with her as she maneuvered towards the side of the pool.
"No, we had a lovely visit. Tea and crumpets and all that," she replied sarcastically. "Of course it was shitty. You'd know that if you hadn't been out doing whatever sketchy shit you like to do when I'm not around."
Low fucking blow. It pissed Emily off, but she tried to remember that she wasn't the nicest drunk either.
"I would have gone if you asked me." She pushed Alison's wet hair away from her face. "You told me you didn't want me to."
"I know." Alison closed her eyes. "Where have you been?"
"Had some things I needed to do after my appointment." Emily pressed her lips together, trying to fight back her emotions.
She could hear her sister's cries. She could hear the pain of her past. She regretted going home. She regretted letting herself feel things.
"Did the appointment go okay?"
"Everything is fine." Emily replied, lying with ease, though it wasn't technically a lie. People lived with bad livers for years with the proper care.
When she looked at Emily she could see so much turmoil in her soul. She looked haunted.
"You look so sad, Em."
"I'm just worried about you." Emily forced a pained smile on her face.
Emily reached out and put her hand against the side wall, still holding on to Alison, their bodies still flush. Their faces were inches apart. Their eyes met. There was a quiet intimacy between them, and Emily felt a moment of vulnerability.
Alison pushed her forehead against Emily's and their lips ghosted over each other. Alison moved her body against Emily's front, pressing her bare stomach against Emily's abdomen. She slipped her hand up against Emily's neck.
Emily instinctively put her hand against Alison's side, her hand weightless in the water. Alison felt a warm surge roll over her, and she knew it was because of Emily's touch.
"You feel that?" Alison whispered against Emily's lips.
Emily could taste the wine on her breath. She could feel the desire in her movements.
"What?"
"The world. It's standing still." She pressed her lips against Emily's.
And Emily could feel it. It was as if time and space ceased to exist and they were the only point in time, like the universe only existed for them. They were careening through it together at the speed of light. And Emily realized that her universe started and ended with Alison. And no matter how hard she tried to fight it, every single path led her directly back to the blonde.
Emily felt herself melting into the kiss. She let go of the side of the pool and she let everything in. She let Alison in. Neither one of them was holding on to anything but the other, and they slowly sank below the surface, fingers grasping at cheeks, lips moving together as they slipped underwater.
Their bodies were buoyant, at the mercy of the water. They drifted, but they were closer than ever. Gravity ceased to exist, its weight fading until the world around them was light and airy. There was nothing holding them down, yet they could feel the heaviness of the moment.
The lights at the bottom of the pool were like fractals of diamonds shimmering in the water. It was as if fireworks were exploding around them, painting them in beautiful broken bits of light.
The kiss was slippery and messy and wet. And the weightlessness made it feel like they were alone in zero gravity. But it was also beautiful and perfect and sweet. It was a tidal wave washing over them, taking them out to sea. It was pulling them in, a whirlpool dragging them into uncharted waters. But it didn't matter. It didn't matter because they had one another.
In that split second they both realized that love didn't happen in the blink of an eye, but rather in a moment so slow that it felt as if time was moving backwards. Yet, in that second of eternity, love happened in a heartbeat.
The feeling was strange and overwhelming and painful. But at the same time it felt right. And even though they both knew the reality of how their story would end, they had that moment. They had the present. Being together was hard, but neither one of them wanted to imagine being apart.
They surfaced seconds later, their lungs burning with cold air. But when their bodies met, there was an undeniable heat. When they exhaled they expelled hot puffs of air that dissipated in the cold dark night. Droplets of water were cascading down Emily's face. Alison reached up to move her wet tangled hair away from her face, her fingers catching in her long locks. They moved in for another kiss, their mouths still slick, water still dripping down to where their lips were intertwined.
Emily felt Alison shiver and she realized she'd been submerged in the chilly water for way too long. She pulled back and moved them towards the shallow end.
Alison held on to her like she was afraid of letting go, like she would sink into oblivion without her. She felt her feet scraping the bottom of the pool. Emily leaned against the side of the pool, her arm around the small of Alison's back. Alison pushed her palm against Emily's chest. It was a subconscious motion, an inner desire to feel her heart. It was pounding wildly against her ribs, beating against Alison's hand. Alison smiled. Because she knew it was all because of her.
Alison leaned in closer to Emily's face. She turned so that she was in front of the brunette. Their eyes met again, and Emily knew exactly what she was about to do. Before she could object, Alison moved forward and pressed her lips against Emily's again. She breathed hard into their kiss. Her hand gripped the side of Emily's neck as she desperately tried to get Emily to open herself up to the motion.
Emily was kissing her with fervor, but Alison knew that she was holding back. She wanted that raw emotion she'd felt their first time. She wanted Emily to take command and to slam into her with wild abandon. She needed to feel her.
Alison took Emily's hand and moved it down to the front of her panties, encouraging Emily to touch her. The movement, combined with the smell of the alcohol triggered something in the brunette.
She felt a painful snap into the past. Her body stiffened. She couldn't breathe. She felt a tight pressure around her neck. Her stomach was aching. She smelled whiskey. She tasted tears. She heard Ethan's screams. Emily gasped and pulled back, breaking the kiss. Her lips were quivering and her breaths were shaky and shallow.
"Ali," she said softly, her voice full of a kind quiet finesse that Alison had never heard before. "You're drunk."
"So?"
"I can't." Her voice was trembling. She tried not to hyperventilate. "Not when you're drunk."
"I want you to."
Emily swallowed a knot in her throat. Alison was too out of it to see her entire body shaking.
"Please, Emily. I need this. I need you." She was directing Emily's hand, moving it against her center, trying to push her fingers underneath her underwear.
Alison couldn't feel Emily's resistance. She couldn't feel Emily internally panicking. She couldn't feel Emily trying to stop it. She couldn't feel anything other than Emily's fingers against her body. She had fallen for her so fast and so hard that she'd become blind to her triggers.
"Hey..." Emily delicately touched her face. She placed her thumb and index finger against her jaw and gently tilted her chin up. It got Alison's attention. "I know you think you want this, but we can't. Not like this."
Emily was shivering now, too, but it wasn't because of the cold water. Alison saw something in her expression, and it was enough to get her to stop forcing it.
"What's wrong?" Alison saw the panic on her face.
"I just can't." Emily's voice cracked.
Alison let go of Emily's hand, expecting her to pull it away, but the brunette left her fingers against her center for a few seconds, cupping her. Emily was impressed with the amount of heat she felt there. And she felt like plunging her fingers into her. But all she saw when she looked into Alison's eyes was the struggle going on inside her mind. It was a pain she recognized. It was a pain she was not going to take advantage of.
She slowly pulled her hand out from in between Alison's legs and gingerly put it against her hip. She leaned in for another kiss, this one less frenzied. She held Alison's lips against hers, trying to help her let go of whatever pain she was holding on to. After a few seconds she pulled back to look into her eyes.
"Let's get you out of these wet clothes before you get pneumonia." Emily was still delicately holding her cheek.
Alison didn't have any fight left in her. She nodded, pulling away from Emily. She moved towards the stairs. She gripped the handle as she emerged from the pool. Water was dripping down her body, rolling down her back, over her curves. Her wet undergarments left very little to the imagination. The water had made them practically see-through. Emily couldn't help but stare at her perfectly round ass.
The second Alison's feet hit the pavement she realized how drunk she truly was. She could barely walk. She tilted sideways and grabbed the edge of a flimsy table. Emily caught her before she could hit the ground. Alison looked at her, her eyes locked on Emily's.
I love you. Alison wanted to say it. But she knew it was crazy. They still had so much to learn about each other. Instead she just looked at her lovingly.
"I'm glad you're here." She smiled sweetly at her.
Emily felt her heart flutter, a feeling she'd never felt before. She didn't know what love was, but she was pretty sure this was the start of something in that realm.
Her smile. God, Alison's smile. It was enough to make her feel like the world wasn't fucked.
Emily slipped her arm around the small of Alison's back. Alison's knees buckled, but before she could hit the ground she felt Emily's strong arms lifting her up into the air.
She swung Alison around, one of her arms supporting the back of her knees and the other up against Alison's shoulders. Alison's cheek automatically fell against Emily's chest. She reached up and wrapped her arms around Emily's neck.
She drifted in and out of consciousness. She was vaguely aware of Emily drawing her a warm bath while she sat on the toilet and stared at the floor. Once she was warmed up, Emily helped her get into her pajamas.
The next few hours were a haze, but she was semi-conscious when she was puking into the toilet. Emily held her hair back as she gripped the cool porcelain. And when she was all puked out Emily carried her back to bed. She wiped Alison's face off with a cool cloth. When she had settled in bed Emily stood up to leave.
"Emily?" Alison mumbled drunkenly, reaching out for her. She gripped her wrist and looked up at her. "Will you stay with me?"
Until the day I die. Emily thought to herself.
"Are you sure?" Emily asked.
"More sure than I've ever been of anything else in my life." She pulled Emily towards the bed.
Emily crawled in next to her. Alison curled up against her. Emily wasn't sure what to do at first. All she really knew how to do was fuck and leave. She'd never been someone who cuddled. After a minute she relaxed. She curled her arm around Alison to hold her in place. It felt good. It felt right.
"How is your nausea?" Emily traced Alison's jaw line with her index finger, eliciting a smile from the blonde.
"Better now that I left most of the wine in the toilet bowl."
"What possessed you to play Napa Valley?" Emily asked softly. "Were things that bad with your brother's visit?"
Alison wanted to tell her it was more than that. She wanted to tell her everything she was feeling. She wanted to tell her that Jason was just the tip of the iceberg. She wanted to tell her how much it scared her to think about losing her, because she couldn't take another hit. She had lost her brother. Not in the most traditional sense. But he was disappearing all the same. She'd seen that at their visit today.
"He's going to die in there." Alison's eyes welled up with tears. "He's going to die in there and it's my fault."
"And you thought drowning yourself was going to change that?" Emily asked.
"You're one to talk," Alison replied sadly. She spent every day wondering if it would be the day that Emily tried to kill herself again. "And I wasn't trying to drown myself. I just needed to think."
"Underwater? Without air?" Emily peered at her curiously. "Seriously, what were you thinking, Ali? Do you know what it would have done to me if I..."
She bit her lip, trying to remind herself that this wasn't about her. It was about Alison. It was about helping her with her pain the way Alison did for her. She didn't realize that by admitting she cared, she was giving Alison exactly what she needed.
"You really care that much?" Alison sat up, using her elbow to prop her head up next to Emily.
"Of course I care." Emily cupped her cheek with one hand and slid her other hand against the nape of her neck.
Alison was the only reason she hadn't put a bullet in her brain. The blonde was her only tether to the world. She had nothing else. It was a terrifying feeling. Because when she'd gone out to her old house all she could think about was what would happen to the girl she'd leave behind if it went south. It caused her physical pain to think about what she was doing to Alison...the danger she was putting her in.
"I don't know what I'd do if something happened to you," Emily whispered tearfully.
"Nothing is going to happen to me. Not while you're around."
And she believed that, which scared Emily even further. Because Alison didn't even see how dangerous it was to be around her.
You're dangerous to her. You'll hurt her.
"You overestimate me," Emily said, unable to hold her gaze. "I've learned from experience that the most dangerous people in our lives are the ones we invite in ourselves." She faced Alison, her voice shaking. "Ali, I'm a danger. If I stay here I'm afraid of what it will do to you."
"I want you here." She leaned in, touching Emily's face. Her lips moved against Emily's. Emily automatically kissed her back. When they pulled away Alison had a determined look on her face. "I'm not scared."
Emily stared at the blonde beauty above her, and only one thought came to mind:
I am.
She was absolutely terrified. Of her feelings. Of her past. Of herself. She was terrified she was going to leave another dead body in her wake. Or worse, break her heart.
***
A/N: These two have got some rough stuff going on. There is a lot happening here, what with both of their pasts starting to come to light. I know this is a painful read. Emily in particular has some very jarring memories. I don't take any of it lightly. And I am careful about how I phrase every single word. I hope people are heeding my warning about how dark this story is. As always, if you are struggling in any capacity...please reach out for help, no matter how hard it might be. Take care of yourselves!