// we are addicted to our thoughts, we cannot change anything if we cannot change our thinking //
"The only time you fail is when you fall down and stay down." Kris quotes from somewhere this morning. She says it to me over breakfast but I don't reply.
It isn't because I don't have anything to say, I just don't think I need to say anything.
My fingers swipe across the screen of the phone in my hand, even though I'm not looking at the screen at all. My eyes are purely focused on the calendar that hangs before me. I'm not looking at anything particular on the calendar, just staring.
When my thumb stops moving, I count to ten silently. Slowly, I look down at the tiny display screen and the words make me release a deep breath.
Brian: why do you like turquoise, it's such a weird color
Brian: no seriously why can't you like something cooler
Brian: just kidding you're already cool for hanging out with me
I smile sadly. His words can always make me smile even when I feel like all I want to do is lock myself in my room and cry for hours. Even when he's gone.
Gone... Forever.
It's weird how that one word and four letters can immediately pull my mood down to the ground, and keep me there for hours on end.
With a few quick taps of my finger, the texts disappear. Gone from my life forever, just like he is.
Even though a weight seems to be lying on my chest, I manage to lift up the corners of my lips. I stand up to look for Kris, having decided to spend some sister-bonding time. Maybe it'll help me forget a little, even if it's just for a couple hours.
When I get into Kris' room, she snaps her head up so fast from her phone. "Cassidy?" She says with mild concern, which is understandable. I hardly ever get to talk to my sister about things that aren't problems.
"Hey, sis." I greet and take a seat next to her on her bed. She puts down her phone next to her and turns her body slightly so she faces me.
An awkward silence surrounds us for a while, both of us not knowing what to say. I try to conjure up some words in my mind, make a sentence and say it but when I open my mouth it feels like the words disintegrate into the air. Kris and I used to be so close when we were younger, it's strange and sad to see us fall apart as we grow older.
Problems usually make relationships tighter, but I guess it's not the same case for us.
"Want to go somewhere?" I ask. Kris' response is not immediate which makes me worry that she probably already has plans with her friends or Tom. From the corner of my eye, I can see her nod subtly. Has it been that long since we actually did something together that she's so surprised? Isn't this supposed to be what normal siblings do?
Then again, I guess there is no normal in my life anymore.
I shake the negative thoughts away, not wanting to go back to my room where I've stayed in every day after I get back from school.
Today is not the day.
I grab her hand lightly to pull her up. We go to get our coats before leaving and even though I didn't tell Kris, I already know where we can go. It almost feels like a big leap doing it, even though it probably isn't a big deal at all.
Since Kris is probably in no mood to drive, I bring us to the bus stop instead. She seems surprised but doesn't say a word, just absentmindedly follows behind me as we walk. I saw the route the other day, so I know for a fact the bus will go to the place I want us to go. We're both quiet as we wait for the bus' arrival, wanting to speak but can't think of a good conversation topic.
When we finally take our seats in the bus, Kris speaks out. "So, where are we going?" Although her tone seems light, I know it is forced and I try my best not to frown. Instead, I smile and reply, "The carnival."
Her eyes widen as she realizes what my intentions are. We are going to the carnival, the one that she had wanted to bring me to only a few months ago. Things weren't going too well then either, and I had been in a terrible mood. Kris was there to cheer me up but all her attempts had gone to waste since I was way too absorbed in my own problems to realize she's trying to help.
It's about time that I return the favor.
Perhaps some would say that she should be the one cheering me up. As I look at Kris though, it is kind of hard to see that happen. She's upset because I've been so down these few days so I feel like it's partially my fault.
The carnival will be a good place to cheer her up, it might even make me happier for the day.
Kris doesn't say anything after that and I do the same, the both of us silent in the almost empty bus. I look out the window, enjoying the view as we pass trees and houses with white picket fences. Weirdly enough, it makes me feel a little better just like that. Looking at the people walking outside their houses, talking to their neighbors or walking the dogs, it all seems so normal.
When we finally get out of the bus, it is evident the place is crowded with people. The carnival only comes so often, and people cherish the opportunity. Loud music plays as we buy our tickets, and everything around us is so happy that I can feel our mood lift.
We stand in the middle of everything, a smile on our faces. We look at each other and as if we read each other's minds, we nod. Both of us know where to go first.
The cotton candy stand.
The atmosphere around us feels amazing. Many people are dressed up in all kind of ways and I laugh every time I see something interesting or ridiculous. It almost makes me wish I had dressed up as well. Laughter surrounds us as we try to find the nearest cotton candy stand. There are many groups of teenagers and families that attend the carnival too, and I'm glad I'm not here alone but instead with my sister.
The only way this can get any better is if -
I stop myself just in time before the names are able to come through. I turn my attention to Kris who is only a few steps away from me, she found some delicious sugary treats and didn't notice that I stopped in my tracks.
I go over and feel my inner-child come out as we buy two cotton candy sticks. Mine is a sky blue while Kris' is a pretty pink. I take my tongue out and feel the sugar melt. It's unhealthy but it's tasty - kind of everything that we need really.
Now that we've got our food in hand, we're already satisfied. We take our time to walk around, enjoying the place and the people around us screaming and enjoying themselves.
"Oh my gosh, look at that!" Kris splutters and I look at the direction she is pointing. I almost choke with laughter as I see what she's talking about. We laugh uncontrollably, and I could've sworn that some people even turn their heads to look at us.
But they don't matter, not today.
Today, the only thing that matters is us. I can't keep the smile off my face as we go around the place that is set up, all giddy-like. Kris pulls me off to one side, and I get confused. Noticing the smirk on her face, I suddenly understand where she is taking me. "No!" I whine. "Don't!"
She just laughs and continues to pull me even though I'm trying my best to root my feet in one spot. "I don't want to!" I protest, the sight of a clown doing tricks become clearer and clearer.
"Face your fears, Cass. That's the way of life or something." She teases but I shake my head quickly. The word "no" continuously streams out of my mouth, only stopping for a bit to catch my breath and repeat.
Kristiana Simmons rolls her eyes at me. Talk about role model, I think as I let her drag me over there. There's no way that I can get out of this. I cringe as I see the clown spotting us coming towards him. He has the traditional makeup look going on with the big red nose, the outfit and even a big rainbow wig. I want to hide behind Kris' back, but I don't think it'd be a mature move. Not that I'm saying I'm mature like a normal person but I'm trying here.
"Hey, there! Do you guys want a balloon and hear a joke?" His voice is over enthusiastic, and I feel the fear grow. Ever since I was young, I was scared of clowns. It felt so abnormal then, being the only kid who wouldn't approach a clown every time I saw one.
I just have this image that clowns are all secretly evil serial killers. That and they have ridiculously huge smiles that creep me out because who even smiles like that.
All of them just look too happy, too carefree and too optimistic to be true. I hear Kris stifle her laughter and nods at the clown. The clown pulls out a balloon out of nowhere and starts making some crazy shape. I stare at the clown from a distance. I may get melodramatic at times, but I think it's fitting at a time like this.
After giving the balloon to my sister, which is a flower that I'm actually kind of impressed about, the clown turns to me. He stares at me with a huge grin on his face and I wince. Kris smiles and says, "Sorry about her. She's scared of clowns for some reason." A scowl appears on my face as I glare at Kris.
Even with all the makeup, I can see an eyebrow arch upwards in amusement. "Really, now?" I stare at him, my face emotionless though inside I just wanted to step back a thousand steps. Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know -
"Is she singing Let It Go?" The clown suddenly says in a very normal voice, breaking out of character.
Kris bursts into laughter. "Stop it!" I say in a very annoying shrill. This time, even the clown laughs at me. I cross my arms and pout, unhappy with how the situation actually turned out. We are interrupted by a kid who wants a balloon though, so the guy with the makeup waves goodbye and diverts his attention to the little boy.
"That wasn't too bad now, was it?" nudges Kris. I don't say anything and continue walking, pretending to be annoyed at her. She still has a bright smile on her face and I'm sulking, fighting the urge to actually smile and laugh about it. I need to save my pride for now after singing out loud when it was all supposed to be in my mind.
She rushes to be at my side in between all the people. "I'll get you more cotton candy," she bribes. I stop walking and so does she, annoying a few people behind but no one says anything.
"Okay." I agree without a second thought. As she goes get another cotton candy, I let out the smile I've been hiding.
My sister is truly a gem.
The sun is about to set, so we decide to leave after an hour or so at the carnival. We talk about everything that happened that day on the bus. For once, our chatter is endless. When we spot the sunset, we stop talking and just stare at the beautiful sky. It is a beautiful way to end the day.
We pay the bus driver as we step down. The walk back home is silent, but this time it is a comfortable silence. As though we have said everything we needed to, and now we're just enjoying each other's presence quietly.
For once in a very long time, I step into the house feeling content. I feel as though nothing ever went wrong, and that it's always been like that. After getting ready, I lay in bed about to sleep, only one thought stayed in my mind.
If only we can stay like this forever.
☯
This chapter wasn't exactly planned I guess, but I mean a light chapter doesn't harm anyone, does it? :) But you guys know us, right? (wink, wink) Hope you guys enjoyed this one, I like how it ended! Also does anyone remember when Kris was going to bring Cass to the carnival? It's eight, if anyone wants to know hahaha.
I really, really like this chapter for whatever reason.
Love lots,
Lacy
PS. LEAH AND I ARE GOING ABSOLUTELY INSANE OVER THE FACT WE HAVE OVER 700 READS?? THANK YOU GUYS FOR READING