I went through the next few days like I was wading through a thick fog. Sara questioned me about it and while I didn't tell her what had happened, she somehow found out from Andrew. I guess I should've expected that, since they were giving each other googly eyes.
Sara threatened to tell my brother unless I actually fessed up and told her everything about what was going on, which only made me madder.
I was so frustrated with all the emotions going through me and so mad at Noah for thinking he could just say he was sorry and expecting that everything would resolve between us. But, even more than that, I was mad at myself because despite knowing that Noah had treated me like absolute dirt, I still somehow missed what we had.
I missed him.
And that sucked.
I worked again that following Sunday, and it was getting close to closing time when Noah once again walked through the front door.
"Fuck," I mumbled under my breath.
"Em?" Ava asked, her eyes studying me behind her glasses.
"I'm fine," I whispered. "He's just a complication."
"Alright."
She looked over at Noah but didn't make a move, or offered to help him, even when he got close to the counter. I knew she was waiting for me to take the lead, and she'd take over for me, if needed.
"Em..." Noah started.
I closed my eyes and tried to keep my emotions in check. "What. Do. You. Want?"
He sighed and I could see the disappointment flash across his face, but to his credit, it didn't stop him. "Can we talk when you get off, please?" he asked.
"Why, Noah?"
"Please, Em."
I snorted. "So you can make yourself feel better? Is that what this is about?" I stopped what I was doing to study his expression.
Maybe that was what all this was about?
Maybe he needed to clean his conscience, or some shit like that. Like when alcoholics go through all the steps of AA.
Ava helped the only other customer on line while Noah leaned across the counter to get closer to me.
"I am trying here, Em. I know I fucked up, okay?" He whispered so only I could hear. "But I'm admitting it. I want to tell you about it. I want to try to make it right between us."
"Yeah, you fucked up alright. Fucked being the keyword."
walked over to the sink and turned on the faucet just to drown out the sound of his voice.
He wanted to make it "right" between us. Yeah, okay.
"Em, please," Noah pleaded.
"Um..." Ava came over and touched my arm. "You may actually like want to talk to the guy before he makes a scene. You know Andrew wouldn't be happy with that."
"Fuck," I mumbled under my breath. I knew she was right, but I didn't want to have to deal with Noah. I looked up and found him by the counter, his brown eyes still focused on me.
He actually looked remorseful. Not that I cared. Or at least not that much. Whatever. It was what I was trying to tell myself.
I shut the water off and dried my hands on the apron that was tied around my waist and walked over by Noah. "Can you please leave, Noah?" I asked.
"Come to dinner with me, Em, and I promise to leave you alone after that, if that is what you want." He looked at me, and as much as I didn't want to, the expression in his eyes made my heart beat faster. He was so goddamn gorgeous and it just wasn't fair. Why couldn't he be butt ugly?
"Noah," I sighed and closed my eyes to take a steadying breath. "I get that you are sorry, okay? But you have a girlfriend, and there is no need for us to be friends. You're only here for a little while before you go back home. Let's just call it a day and you can go back to your life, and I can go back to mine."
"Damit, Em," Noah hissed and a flash of emotions crossed his face. "I just don't want to let it the fuck go. Okay. I want to make it right."
"You can't."
"You aren't even giving me a chance?" he asked, his voice getting louder.
"You don't deserve a fucking chance. Just leave."
"Come on Em." He was back to pleading. "That's not fair. You don't have all the facts."
"Fair," I shrieked. "You want to talk about fucking fair...."
"Shhh," Ava hissed.
"Yeah, I do," Noah responded, completely ignoring Ava's warning and my tone, and got to his feet.
"Great." I leaned across the counter and got into Noah's face. "Let me tell you about fair. It took me months to get to the point where I could even get myself dressed in the morning after what you did. Think that's fair?"
His eyes widened, but he didn't say anything.
I nodded my head like a crazy person and continued. "Do you have any idea how many times my dad or brother let me cry on their shoulders, or consoled me when I was too distraught to go to class? How many times they had to take me to the doctor or for therapy because I kept having breakdowns and panic attacks?"
Noah visually swallowed.
I grabbed onto the countertop and stared him down. "Do you have any idea how depressed I was because of what you did? I even fucking tried to kill myself."
Noah gasped, and there was genuine alarm on his face. I even shocked myself. I'd never told anyone about that before. At all.
The only one who knew was my dad, because he was there to experience it. The Emergency Room doctors and therapists knew, of course, but that was it. My brother didn't even know.
Ava gasped and a couple of the customers were blatantly staring at me, but I was too busy having a stare-off with Noah to care.
The door from the office swung open behind us and Andrew stomped in. "What the hell are you doing, Emelie?" He hissed. "I can hear you yelling from my office."
I just stared at him while the tears started to fill my eyes and threatened to spill over at any second. I could feel it starting. The depression. The worry. The inevitable downward spiral. I threw the towel down on the counter and got ready to walk away. "I can't do this anymore today, Andrew. I am sorry." I turned and walked into the back room without another glance at Noah and let the door close behind me. If this was how I got fired so be it.
"What the hell was that about?" I heard Andrew ask Noah before the door swung shut behind me. I didn't hear Noah's response, and I didn't care.
I broke down into full-out sobs in the break room, clutching my jacket like some sort of safety blanket.
Why was he here?
What the hell did he want from me?
It was so hard to see him and to think about everything we'd been to each other, and what he had done to ruin it.
I'd expected that it would feel great to rip into him the way I did, but it didn't. It just made me feel bad and shameful. I was better than that.
Yeah, he hurt me. He hurt me more than anyone else ever had, but I'd also loved him more than anybody else.
I knew I was mostly upset with myself, and the way I acted, like a spoiled kid. Because I was anything but that.
Yes, Noah hurt me. There was no question about that. But Noah was right in that he had been young. We both had. He definitely could've treated me better after I moved out of town, or at least attempted to make it right, but he didn't. But then again, it had been years ago.
I had moved on. Right?
He had moved on.
We were adults, for goodness' sake. Why did I throw all that shit in his face in the middle of the coffee shop, in front of my boss?
"Oh god," I groaned.
I was losing it.
It was so embarrassing. Andrew must've heard everything I said. I had never seen him look so upset before. Now, he'd think that I was some kind of crazy, unstable person who would reflect poorly on his business. He probably wouldn't even want me working in his cafe anymore. I'd be a disgrace. A confrontational, emotional bitch.
I wiped at my eyes. I really needed this job to pay for my school and the house.
The tears just came, despite my attempts to wipe them away. I took a few shaky breaths to calm myself down and get myself together.
I was almost 23 years old, and I'd been through more shit than many people double my age. A lot worse than this.
I should've been able to deal with this shit, too, but somehow the tears just kept coming.
I didn't even realize that I was sitting on the floor until I reached for my bag where I had a pack of tissues, and it wasn't there. I didn't even bother getting up to find out where it was, but used the sleeve of my sweater to wipe the tears from underneath my eyes.
"Em."
The door swung open and Noah came in and sunk down to the floor next to me. His scent and the familiarity of his movement made my tears flow even faster.
"We are talking about this," he said firmly and pulled me into his arms.
I didn't want him to hold me, but part of me was too exhausted to argue, so I just sat there with his arms around me, trying to get myself under control.
Once Noah felt that I stopped resisting, he pulled me closer towards him. My face ended up on his shoulder and he wrapped his arms around my back, holding me tight against him. It was all so familiar. His strong embrace. His scent which mixed with a more grown-up cologne. It was overwhelming and made me quiver.
Noah's face buried into my hair and it felt both strange and familiar.
"I hate that I did that to you Em," he said softly and I could hear the genuine remorse in his tone. He was gently running his hand up and down my back, trying to soothe me. "You must understand that I didn't do it to hurt you" he whispered. "That was never my intention. You weren't supposed to find out."
I snorted again, and another wave of tears flowed down my cheeks. "That doesn't exactly make it better, Noah. It sounds like you were just trying to screw around behind my back and hoping I'd never find out."
Noah pulled back so he could look me in the eyes, but he didn't let go of me.
"No, Emelie. It wasn't like that. I loved you. Very much. Yes, we were young, and I made many stupid decisions, but I did love you." He gave me a soft smile. "I know it was hard for you to leave, but what you might not realize is that it was hard for me, too. I didn't want you to go. When you left, I was still there... in the same house where I grew up... going to the same school... with the same people, except for the only one I cared about. You."
That made me stop and stare at him. I couldn't believe I'd never considered his point of view in everything that had happened. It didn't make what he did right, but maybe if I let him explain, maybe I could understand where he was coming from?
Perhaps we both needed that...
Maybe it was time... time to put all of this behind us, once and for all?
To get closure...
"Yeah, Em," Noah continued, his voice soft. "I missed the shit out of you, and I didn't know how to deal with it. So I acted out. I partied. Hard. I got suspended from school for a couple of weeks and I tried things I'm not proud of."
"Why?" I asked, my voice barely a whisper. "I thought we decided we were gonna try to stay together. That our plan was to go to the same college?"
"It was but that fell apart when I didn't get accepted." He sighed and continued "the letter came a couple of days after you left. It was a big fat rejection letter. I was so embarrassed. We had counted on that, me being at college near you so you could come to visit me on the weekends, and when that didn't happen... I just lost it. It felt like everyone and everything was against me. Against us being together. I felt like a loser and I couldn't handle it. I didn't know what to do. You had been this bright, calming influence on me and suddenly you weren't there. It felt like my world was falling apart without you, and that there was no way for us to be together. I was stuck with either trying to do a long-distance relationship for the next four and half years, or try to move on."
"Oh..." I had absolutely no idea that was what had happened. I thought he'd just blown me off because he no longer cared. "But why didn't you tell me?"
"Em, I was embarrassed and I thought that was it. The college I got accepted to was in Kansas. I really didn't think I'd ever see you again, so it was easier to blow it off then to tell you I was a loser."
"But Still, Noah. It was me... we could've worked something out."
Noah's hand had made its way into my hair and he was twirling the strands between his fingers like he used to do. A shiver ran through my body.
"I know that" he started. "I was gonna tell you about it, but then Angela told me that you had already met someone at your new school. She showed me a picture of you hugging some guy and she made it seem like you had already moved on. Like you didn't care about me at all anymore." I must have made some kind of noise because Noah smiled softly at me. "I realize now that probably wasn't true, but at the time... I was just so fucked up. I know it isn't an excuse Em, but I was fucking pissed. At you, at myself, at everyone. It had been a really shitty week for me. I drank a lot at the stupid party. Angela was there, and she encouraged me to kiss her and one thing led to another and I fucked her."
It hurt to hear him say that he slept with my best friend, ex-best friend, whatever... even though I knew what had happened. I just hadn't known why? Or what had made him throw our relationship aside so easily. Hearing him tell me his side I realize it wasn't easy for him. I could almost understand why he had done it. He had been in a shitty place too, just like me. What I couldn't remember was hugging a boy, ever, at my new high school, and why Angela would say that? I hadn't really made any friends until I got to college. It wasn't easy transferring into a new high school in the middle of the school year junior year.
"I don't remember hugging anyone at the school," I told Noah. "I was barely there. Especially in the beginning. I almost failed and got kicked out."
"Seriously Em?" Noah's voice rose. "You almost failed?"
"Yeah." I cleared my throat and nodded. "I was in a really shitty place for a while."
"Damn. I am so sorry Em. I never realized my actions would have this effect on you. I never wanted for any of that to happen. If I could I would go back and change it all. I missed you like crazy, and I just didn't know how to deal..."
The truth was that Noah cheating on me was what started my depression, but it wasn't the only cause of it. There were contributing factors, like the anxiety over moving to a new town, a new school, no friends...
My dad worked all the time at his new job, in an attempt to get himself establish. My brother went to college, and I was just kind of there... on my own... and not dealing with anything.
Noah tightened his grip around my back and kissed my hair. "I am truly very sorry for what I have done. If it is any consolation, none of the girls that came after measured up to you."
"Oh."
As stupid as it was, that did make my ego feel a little better. Was it possible that he still compared his other girls to me? We had been so young... but then, I compared everyone to him and nobody had been able to exceed that, so far.
Noah and I had been each other's firsts, and together we had begun to explore what it meant to be in an intimate relationship. We had been fumbling at first in our inexperience, but we made up for it in effort. As time went on it got good. Really good. Our bodies learned what to do, and we fit perfectly together.
I wondered what he would be like now?
I felt my cheeks flush at the thought but Noah didn't seem to notice.
"I was empty after you left. For years" he continued to explain. "I had one-night stands mostly, nothing that mattered. A few times I couldn't even finish."
Now I felt bad too, for him. I had made him out to be the evilest person in the world, and never really considered that he may have been hurting just as much as I was.
"Noah," I said "I am sorry too. I should have never said what I did."
"You have nothing for to be sorry for, Em. It was all me. I screwed it up." His arms tightened around me again. "Please, forgive me?"
I heard myself say the words I never, ever, would have thought would cross my lips "yeah, okay."
"Thank you." I could feel his body relax next to me and I knew that there was a smile on his face even though I couldn't see it. He kissed my cheek softly and I felt the old feelings begin to stir around inside me again. Would he always have this effect on me?
"Can I try to make it up to you?" Noah asked.
Now it was my turn to lean back so I could see his face. His cheeks turned a little red and he seemed uncharacteristically embarrassed. Not like the normal self-assured man I had seen in the cafe over the last week.
Noah smiled softly at me. "You are so beautiful, even after you have been crying."
I must have had mascara smudged over my entire face and my eyes were red and swollen. It was definitely not attractive.
"Noah, don't," I begged and bent my head down. I felt another tear slide down my cheek. This... us... sitting here together, talking... it reminded me so much of us in the weeks before I left.
"I want to try to make it up to you, Emelie. Please."
He used the tips of his long fingers to tilt my head back so he could look me in the eyes.
"What do you have in mind?" I asked.
"Go out to dinner with me. I still miss you, Em."
I exhaled slowly. I really would like to. We had been so good together back then and it would be nice not to have this animosity between us any longer. Maybe we could try to be friends...
I wasn't sure that I could trust him, and then it was the minor issue of the girlfriend...
"What about the girl, Noah?" I asked. "What is she gonna say if you take me out?"
I really didn't want to get caught up in any relationship drama, even if we were just friends.
Noah groaned, and his hand ran through his hair again. When he didn't say anything, I attempted to get up, but he stopped me. "I'll be honest with you. She isn't here this weekend. She went home."
"You live together?" I gasped. I tried to push him off of me but he just tightens his grip.
"Listen to me Em" he hissed. "And no we do not live together. It's not even really a relationship, we have only seen each other for a few months."
"A few months? Noah, that's not nothing..."
"It's friends with benefits thing, okay? That's all."
"Does she know that?" I asked, remembering the look on her face when she spotted Noah in the cafe.
He groaned, and I knew he was aware that it was more for her than it was for him. Should that matter to me?
If we went out for dinner, did it really matter that he had some friendly benefit thing going on with the beautiful businesswoman?
Our relationship would be strict friendship.
So it shouldn't bother me that he slept with someone else, but it did.
We were nothing to each other at this point. He didn't even live here. He was only here for business, and it was temporary. So whatever it was that we would be doing, it wouldn't last.
My mind was spinning, and I didn't know what to think.
"Dinner, please, Em."
I moved slowly out of his arms and looked him straight in the eyes. "I will go to dinner with you after you tell your girlfriend about it. We will go as friends because I am not gonna look like I am your side piece."
"Understood. I was planning on talking to her when she comes back tomorrow anyway, so consider it done."
"Oh," I frowned. "Why were you planning on talking to her?"
"To break off our arrangement."