This is a rollercoaster start to finish.
Also, dedicated to irwindxrling because Paige is so so so so so sweet to me and I so so so so so don't deserve it and basically, I love her lots, and I think you would too. She's quite lovely. ;)
{Unedited}
{{And probably really horrible}}
Ashton
It felt like an eternity that I'd spent curled up with Luke.
He'd fallen asleep a few hours ago, but I couldn't manage. Sleeping through my problems was the only thing I was good at and I couldn't even do that.
So instead, I just sat there and kind of just admired what he was like. And I can remember the other day when Nate told me that I could check for needle scars on Luke's arm, if I didn't believe him. And so I checked. And they were there.
And despite the way my stomach churned a bit and the somewhat exaggerated cringe, I didn't feel how I thought I'd feel. I thought I'd feel more, more betrayed. More angry. More... Not this.
And I admit I was mad. Very. But it wasn't the same kind of mad as usual. It wasn't like, burning rage like it usually is. I was just angry that it had to be Luke. It had to.
I rolled onto my back away from him, taking our already-intertwined arms and pulling his towards me. And there were a few marks - Not many, though. I assume he'd use the same spot once it healed up. And I admit that I shivered at the thought because yeah, I like to think of myself as a pretty tough guy. But needles are just... Not my forte.
I kind of traced and stroked the scars and sighed a breath of relief because, thank God, there didn't seem to be any new ones. Granted heroin wasn't exactly my area of expertise, but I think I knew enough from experience with, well, you know. Her.
And I don't really know what I did, but something I did seemed to wake him straight from his slumber. He opened his eyes and groggily smiled at me, before taking notice to my actions and dropping the grin.
"Ashton..." He croaked, clearly taken by surprise as he attempted to retract his arm.
I just held it in place, twining my fingers in with his and giving his hand a reassuring squeeze.
"No, I-- It's okay." I said, a bit shakily. "I mean, it will be. I'm coming to terms with it."
Luke just sighed, and though I didn't want to pity him because God, does that suck, but I did. Just for a split second.
"I, um, I don't do it anymore. Which you can probably tell, by the lack of scabs and everything." He said a bit dryly and tastelessly. "I go to NA meetings, get my piss tested, the whole bit."
"You? Go to NA meetings?" I pondered, not meeting his eyes.
"I-- Yeah. Whole month clean." He said, smiling very small, before fishing one of those sobriety chips out of his back pocket and handing it to me.
"A month ago? That was like, like... Like Christmas." I choked, not wanting to cross any borders but at the same time knowing I didn't exactly do a good job.
"Ash..." He said with oceans in his eyes, quite frankly looking like he'd just been punched in the gut.
"Coming to terms. Like I said." I said like chalk, turning my head from him so he couldn't do that thing where he deciphers my whole being by the look on my face.
"I don't really know what to say about that. Other than the fact that, I mean, Christmas with you... S'why I quit." He said, sounding a bit like an earthquake only he knew the damage he'd done.
And despite the situation as a whole, I didn't even bother try to conceal the gentle grin that stretched across my face. "Yeah?"
"Yeah. I mean, I'd choose you over anything." He breathed, trailing off at the end and I knew, I knew Luke well enough to know, that that was a last minute thought slipping from his mouth and I knew he didn't mean for it to slip let alone want it to, but I hoped he knew me well enough to know that I loved it anyways.
"You have really pretty skin." I mumbled. "Please don't do anymore damage to it."
"That's the plan." He replied, smiling that bright, dimple-y Luke-smile that I so adored but so could not voice why. "But you've got to be on call at all times."
I scoffed. "On call for what, exactly?"
"On call for Ashton snuggles to get my mind of things." He snickered like a toddler, before hugging me real tightly and burying his face in my neck.
And so I let out a rather obnoxious laugh and pushed him away. "Fuck off, dude!"
"Dude, don't call me dude. We fuck sometimes. It's weird." He said, scrunching his face as he pulled away from me.
"'Kay. Dude." I said with a shit-eating grin.
Luke sighed. "I like you better like this."
"Like what?"
"Happy."
And I just smiled. "Me too."
"I still hate you, though." He said, dropping his smile.
I scoffed. "Hate you more."
He just grinned a little before pressing his lips to my forehead, erupting a grimace on my face.
"Don't do that." I said, my nose scrunched half way up my face.
"Do what?" He asked, rather critically for my taste, if I'm being honest.
"You always make me feel small and I don't like it." I responded with the same grimace still plastered on my face.
But I lied. I mean, I don't always want to be the smaller one. I like to be protective of Luke and I like to be the manly-man and it's hard to do that when he's a fucking giant. But then again, I must say, hugs feel a lot better coming from someone with abnormally broad shoulders.
"I'm like four inches taller than you. And that's not even including the hair. Of course you're smaller than me, you dweeb. Plus you have girly shoulders." He said, tightening his grip on me for reasons I could only guess had to do with my arms being pinned down. God knows I'd hit him if I could.
"Not, not necessarily like that, I mean." I said, chuckling lightly at his banter despite my urge to clock him. "I mean, like, you make me feel, I don't know. Sensitive, or some shit. Like an open wound. And I don't like it."
"Part of the relief of all this is the fact that you don't have to always be sandpaper, Ashton." Luke murmured into my hair. "Someone's gotta nurse the wound sometimes."
And I cringed a little, simply from fear. Fear of putting myself in the hands of another because God, if that doesn't always go wrong than I don't know what does.
And so I picked myself up from the bed and away from Luke because I thought, I thought he understood that it's not that easy for me.
"For fuck's sake, Hemmings. Would've thought you'd have understood by now." I mumbled, standing from the bed leaving his arms open and longing.
"Ashton... I get that. I know it's not something that comes easy to you. All I'm saying is that it's okay to trust people every once in a while. It's okay to trust me." He said like broken glass, standing up to match my position.
"Well, fuck, clearly you don't get it, then. You know what happens when you trust people? They fuck you over! They toss you to the side like you never once made even a fraction of a difference!" I snapped, balling my hands into fists at my side.
"Have I not given you a reason to trust me?" He spat, throwing his arms up.
"You want me to answer that question honestly?" I retorted, taking immediate notice to the way he retracts himself.
"God, I fucking hate when you get like this!" He hissed.
"Get like what, exactly? Defensive? Excuse me, Your fucking Highness, allow me to drop to my hands and knees and cater to your every need!" I barked in return.
"Like such a fucking bitch! God, you know, I fucking love when you're happy and pleasant and everything. Even when you're sad! At least you're a normal fucking human when you're sad! And then bam, one thing goes wrong, one goddamn thing doesn't suit your liking and you feel entitled to lash out at everyone!" He spat, pressing his fingers to his temples.
And suddenly each of my nerve endings simultaneously lit on fire and my whole mind collapsed because Luke was just another one of them.
"Fuck you!" I yelled, instinctively picking up a book from his desk where I was standing and chucking it at his face, missing by only centimeters. "You don't know shit!"
He snorted. "Don't I! I've witnessed your shit since day-fucking-one! What do you even want me to say! I try so fucking hard for you Ashton! Because God, I fucking, I-- Fuck! I try really fucking hard to get you to like me and trust me and feel safe with me but you won't even budge!"
And I absolutely dreaded the lump in my throat because I'd felt that feeling too many times in the past few weeks.
"What do you want me to say! I am twenty-one year old guy in college struggling to keep his grades up because I've got fucking mental disorders through the goddamn roof, my mom's gone, has been since I was a kid, haven't seen my, abusive, might I add, father, since I was sixteen, my baby sister just died, they won't tell me where my little brother is, and now, I've wasted, what, five months? On some dick who just turned out to be the same as everyone else!" I yelled, biting down on my lip in attempt to stop it from shaking.
"I want you to say you'll at least try to trust me! You've done it before! Go full fledged! Trust me with your life! Haven't I proven myself fucking worthy of that?" He snapped, much farther from tears than I was myself.
Now that's fucked.
"And I want you fuck off but we don't always get what we want, I guess!" I yelled, both on the verge of crying and gouging his eyes out with my fingers.
And he just let out this lifeless chuckle and let his hands fall to his sides, before smiling a really pathetic, dull smile. "I just don't think my legs were built to chase you for this long, Ashton."
And I just scoffed a really wet, emotional kind of scoff."Then sit the fuck down! Because last I checked, no one fucking asked you to chase me! Guarantee you won't be the first disappointment!"
And with that, I slammed the door and left him behind me.
Luke was never a necessity. Only a crazy idea conjured up to help fill the holes. He was just a want. That's all.
Besides, this a life built on necessities rather than wants. Always has been.
Always will be.
Because let's be real, it wouldn't be my story if something didn't go horribly wrong.