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AFTER GETTING OFF of the call with Max and Harvey, it was the only time my insides started to churn and my nerves started kicking up on me. My family and I got into the studio without a clue on what the boys were singing for the Final except for Kiss You which they had already mentioned the day prior. Last I saw the boys was the other night when we went to Winter Wonderland. They've been busy practicing and they fell asleep earlier than usual so the only time I got to talk to Max was during their break times.
"Hey, love, why so tense?" The sweet and gentle voice of Aunt Tessa cooed, breaking my train of thoughts.
"Oh it's nothing. Just nervous for the boys is all. The usual." I shrugged with a small smile. She smiled back and wrapped a comforting arm around me.
"They'll be fine and they'll do great as usual. Whatever happens tonight, whether they win or not, will happen for a reason." She smiled at me.
On a usual Saturday, I'd rebut and explain how nervous I was and how no one would ever understand. Somehow, Aunt Tessa's calm and reassuring voice worked and got the job done right away. I felt as if everything would all fall into place later and that there was nothing to worry about.
But there was a crippling inch of fear running up my spine and into my brain. I wasn't sure what I was afraid of and why it was there in the first place. Trying to avoid the thought of something bad happening was starting to become a tough task that afternoon.
When we got to the studio and we were allowed entry, we went straight to the backstage special tent for the finalists friends and relatives with the Millses and all of the boys' other friends. Everyone was on edge and there was no trying to hide it. Despite everyone's high hopes for the boys, there was still a sense of nervousness lingering around everyone.
"Charlie!" An ecstatic Emily greeted me with a tight hug.
"Emily!" I beamed as I hugged her back. "I missed you so much!"
"I missed you more, smelly." She said as we let go. She towered over me a lot more now since I last saw her.
"Cinnamon Shortie!" Tom greeted as he hugged me too. I saw him more recently than Emily but his height still caught me by surprise.
"That's me." I chuckled at him calling me by Max's contact name for me on his phone.
We all chatted amongst ourselves and spent the time distracting ourselves from the nerves running through our veins. When the show started and everyone got even more nervous. The crowd did the cheering for us since we were too nervous to move at all. I felt like I needed a support to help me stand on my weakening knees.
V5 did a splendid rendition of Mariah Carey's Christmas hit. They were amazing as usual. Their glamorous outfits and their choreography were on point. It was hard to believe that these were the girls I was with just a few nights ago. I didn't regret it though. I loved having them around.
Jenny Ryan was phenomenal as usual. She was too good and she was definitely competition. She came a long way from here and she deserved it just as much as all the finalists did. But I couldn't enjoy her performance as much as I wanted to with the butterflies in my stomach growing wilder by the second.
It all happened so fast. Jenny was being escorted off stage and the boys' short video played before their performance. The sight of them made me smile. The clip of them visiting our old primary school warmed my heart. They insisted that I come that day. It was so nostalgic to be back at the place where we made so much memories in. Being there as teenagers, we suddenly realised how everything seemed so small and how, as young kids, we used to think that the world already used to be so big.
The clip of their trip to Winter Wonderland flashed across the screen. It was their day there along with the other X Factor finalists and they performed at the Bavarian Village. They enjoyed the place so much that it was the whole reason we went there together a few days after.
"Let's freaking go." Max said as he kicked the lens of the camera. I chuckled at the sight of him. My best friend being his usual goofy self on screen and seeming so unfiltered.
The voice overhead announced their name and everything happened even faster: the crowd we were with cheering even louder, my nervousness getting even worse, my heartbeat beating too fast, and the split second before they let out the first note of the song being the last second I felt the blood rushing through me.
Time seemed to stretch out when they started singing. I felt like I was being sucked into a whirlpool of emotions because I didn't see where I was headed. It came as a shock to most of us, especially to me, when we heard the first note of their rendition to Last Christmas. It was Max and I's least favourite song and it was the song we tried so hard to avoid for almost a year now.
The wave of emotions caused me to freeze. I was unable to move yet my eyes remained fixated on the screen. Harvey sang so effortlessly and so coolly. It was just another song for him, the only thing that made it special for him was that it was their Final song. I held my breath, not knowing when it would be Max's turn to sing. But when it was his turn, I wanted to melt away and for the ground to eat me whole.
"'Merry Christmas' I wrapped it up and sent it with a note saying I love you I meant it," He sang with so much emotion that it was too heavy. His eyes and his expression were unreadable but anyone could see that he was singing from the heart. The words sunk into my veins like the venom of a snake.
"Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away," It was like I was being aimed and fired at right on the spot. It was absolute torture with the words seeping with emotion and pain. Most especially from Max.
He meant it. He meant every fucking word in the song and there was only one person it was directed to and it was me. He had such a different vibe on stage that I didn't know if it was Finals jitters or the song or both. I didn't pity him, I didn't want to run to him and tell him it'll all be alright, I didn't know how to comfort him. In fact, I didn't even want to be anywhere near his radius.
I didn't even realise the song had ended until the loud cheers of the crowd around me snapped me out of my thoughts. I zoned out of the whole performance and missed it. Or maybe I was staring blankly at Max, too dumbfounded to even process my thoughts.
"Charlie, are you alright?" Dobby said loudly to me over the crowd.
"I-"
"Charlie..."
"Excuse me for a moment." I squeezed my way out of the crowd and mapped my way towards the exit.
My heart was pounding and my breath was hitching. There was sweat dripping on the sides of my face and I felt my eyes starting to swell for no reason whatsoever. I felt like I was going to pass out.
When I got out, I immediately took in the fresh air and took lots of deep breaths. Max and Harvey sang Last Christmas and Max sung it with too much emotions. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it was for him to practice that song.
But I'm seeing him later. There's no escape. I had to face him one way or the other. What the hell am I gonna do? Slap him? Attack him? Hug him? Tell him how I'm sorry he had to go through that?
"Charlie?"
I looked around to see a worried Aunt Tessa and Dobby catching their breath after tiring themselves in search of me.
"Hi," Was all I could manage to say.
"Oh baby, come here." Aunt Tessa wrapped me in a tight hug as I let the tears, which I didn't know I was holding in, fall from my eyes.
Dobby gently rubbed my back while Aunt Tessa cooed me like a child. I felt so weak and so vulnerable. It was as if the wall I had built to keep Max from reeling me in just came crashing down. I was so mad at him. For making me feel this way, for being the reason for his pain, for liking me, for the song, for the night at Winter Wonderland, for everything.
——
After a few minutes and I couldn't squeeze out any more tears, Aunt Tessa redid my makeup and made it look like I wasn't crying. Mum came rushing out a few minutes after Aunt Tess and Dobby. While Aunt Tess was fixing me up, Dobby went back and had the job of reassuring everyone that I was alright.
You're probably wondering by now what happened after the show when my emotions were at it's peak and I was ready to attack Max. Well... that's exactly what I did.
After the show, we all went back stage to wait for the boys. When the boys saw us, they immediately hugged their family before letting a few tears slip.
My heart broke at the sight of them. They deserved to win but I guess the universe had other plans. Nonetheless, they put up a good fight and they did so well for being the youngest in the competition. Second wasn't all that bad but deep down we all knew that they deserved to place first. Somehow I was even more mad now now that the boys didn't win. I'm not exactly sure who I was mad at but I was mad.
I was the last person Max hugged. It was the first time we were super awkward in a really long time. When he hugged me, I could feel him cling onto me like he was getting all his strength from me because he was too weak and too fragile to hold his own. I held him tight enough to let him know that I was proud of him without having to say anything. I knew that was all he needed; to be held as if all his broken pieces were being held together to make him whole again.
He felt to fragile and so vulnerable that I had to push the fact that they sang Last Christmas out of my head. Right there and then he needed his best friend and I wasn't going to let him down. Holding onto him and hugging him as if I was protecting him from the world reminded me of when we were little and he cried over the biggest bruise he got from our playdate at the playground on a rainy September afternoon.
When everyone got to give their congratulations and hug the boys, and when Max had composed himself, Max and I stood away from our families to have our little moment we always did. We stood there so awkwardly as if we were awkward year sevens or year eights. The sight was something right out of a movie, I tell you.
"Charlie-"
"Don't, Max. Just don't mention it. Please." I said, not looking him in the eyes and knowing what he'd say.
"Charlie, I was going to say thank you." He said in the most serious tone I haven't heard from him in the longest time.
"Oh, uhm, I'm sorry. But uhm, yea sure. No problem." I said, utterly shocked.
"You don't even know what I'm thanking you for." He chuckled. I scrunched my face and shook my head which caused him to laugh. "I'm thanking you for everything, Charlie. For being so supportive of me and Harvey, and for believing us every step of the way. You were one of the people who saw us through every step in this competition and you stuck by us."
"You've thanked me a million times at this point, Max." I chuckled.
"I know, I know." He smiled down at his shoes. "I guess I just can't thank you enough."
"Well don't sweat it. I'm your best friend. It's my job to support you guys." I chuckled. But my response was followed by an extremely awkward and quiet tension.
Only the sound of chatter in the distance and equipment being moved and people congratulating people covered the silence between us. It was so awkward because there was a strong pull between us as if we wanted to hug each other and talk for hours on end, but with what they just sang and how Max sang it, that couldn't exactly be the case.
"I'm sorry, Charlie." Max suddenly piped up.
"Oh yeah? What are you sorry for?" I asked him in a more challenging tone than I had hoped which took him by surprise.
"For not telling you what we were singing." He answered sheepishly.
"Since when did you know?" I asked coldly.
"For a few days before we went to Winter Wonderland."
My heart sank. He knew. No wonder why he acted the way he did at Winter Wonderland.
"I can't believe you, Max." I scoffed and turned away from him. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"Because I knew you'd be mad! I knew that you'd bail on us for Winter Wonderland!" I raised his voice at me which caused me to look at him.
"Mad?! What do you think I am now, Max?! I'm even more mad because you didn't tell me!" I raised at him. "I froze up like a fool! You didn't even give me time to process the song you so carelessly threw at me!"
"It's not like you gave me time to process the heartbreak, Charlie!" Oh shit. I snapped him now. "Did you feel pain? Did your heart ache? Good! Because that's exactly how it felt last Christmas because of you, Charlotte Wright!"
I didn't respond because he was right. He immediately calmed down when he realized that he took me too much by surprise. I wanted us to be alright. I didn't want to leave the studio on bad terms with him. But that wasn't the case.
"Sort yourself out, Max Mills. That's your problem, not mine."