✿ TWENTY-THREE ✿
"Waste my time
Lost, and now my love is cursed"
___
As soon as she saw her face, she felt like her breath had been taken away. She hadn't exactly known what to expect, only what to fear. She had feared brown lifeless eyes with huge dark circles around it, wrinkles of worry and a sickly pale skin. She had feared that her mother wouldn't be her mother anymore, but some sort of döppelganger with fewer emotions.
But her mother wasn't either of those things. In front of her sat a woman who seemed to be radiating confidence. Her eyes held curiosity, but love and sparkles of life as well. Her face hadn't changed either, except for the natural ageing. She seemed to glow.
"Mom," Katherine breathed out, feeling her eyes burn. She wanted to reach through the screen, to feel her mother's soft skin and one of her firm hugs. The tips of her fingers bumped into the glass screen and with a little jolt, she drew her hand back. "I love you, mom."
"I love you too, baby," her mother said, a smile covering her face. She too wanted to reach through the screen and she sounded just as out of breath. "You grew up!"
"Four years is a long time," Katherine chuckled softly, a tear escaping from the corner of her eye. She brushed it away quickly, afraid that more tears would follow soon. It was only now, as she looked into her mother's loving eyes, she realised how much she had missed the woman. For all those years she had managed to shut herself off. She hadn't allowed any feelings of regret, guilt or homesickness to get to her, and now all those emotions forced themselves upon her.
"How are you holding up, Katherine?" her mother asked concerned. Her eyes were slightly narrowed, like she was trying to note something. Her face was framed with her usual brown curls, making Katherine feel a wave of nostalgia. She had spent hours trying to learn how to braid with her mother's hair.
"I missed you so much. I'm so happy to see you," Katherine said, a loud sob erupting from the depths of her chest. She wanted to hold her mother forever, or at least for a second, but she would have to wait a long time until that could happen. She wanted to ask her mother a hundred and one things, but it was their first conversation in four years and she didn't think it should be a bitter one. "Earth is so beautiful, mom, you will love it. When will you come down?"
"Well, I'm still the chief of nurses, so I'm assigned to the first ship that goes down," her mother said. She smiled reassuringly and Katherine knew that if her mother would have been here she would have grabbed her hand and squeezed it just a little too hard for it to be comfortable.
Katherine was glad about so many parts in that sentence. She was happy to hear that her mother still had her function, the one thing she loved most in her life aside from her daughter, and that she would come down as soon as possible. Another tear escaped, along with a loud sob. She couldn't hold it any longer. "What happened... you know... after that day?"
Her mother seemed to be taken aback, just for a second, before she quickly recovered. Perhaps she had expected that the conversation wouldn't be bitter or dark as well, perhaps she just hadn't expected the question to come so immediate. "They accused me of complicity, saying I used you as a pion to do my dirty work."
Katherine bit her lip, an overwhelming feeling of guilt taking hold of her. At that moment, she had thought about her mother only. She had felt guilty then as well, because it had taken so long for her to connect the dots. But she hadn't stopped for one moment to think further than a day, to contemplate the consequences of her action. She could have floated her mother.
"Why didn't they float you?" Katherine asked, her voice sounding high.
"At the time there was an immediate situation in which my medical assistance necessary was and after that, someone had managed to convince the jury that I wasn't complicit. I never found out who it was, only that it was a sergeant," her mother told, shrugging her shoulders at the last part.
Katherine smiled at the same part, knowing all too well who that sergeant had been. "What happened after that?"
Her mother seemed to hesitate for a moment. "There's no need to lie to you, you're grown up now," her mother said with a sad smile. It appeared as though she was trying to convince herself, instead of her daughter. "I lost myself for a little while. Though the jury had judged me innocent, a lot of people blamed me for not being able to control my own daughter and-"
"Mom, I'm sorry," she said softly. She bit on the inside of her cheek, trying to contain the tears that were threatening to escape from the corners of her eye. She felt her heart ache for her mom.
"No, you have nothing to apologise for," her mom spoke sternly. "You did something I should have done a long time ago. I should have banned that man out of our lives and actually, I'm the one who should be apologising to you, for having to live with such a burden."
"It's fine," she replied. She brushed a loose lock behind her ear, trying to observe her mom the best she could through the low-quality screen. In her brown eyes, she could detect a new strength, something she hadn't ever had before, and she smiled contently. An annoying beep came out of the speakers of the computer, to say they only had a minute or so left. "I hope to see you soon."
"Me too," her mom replied, smiling. "Be careful till then, though!"
"I will," Katherine replied. Trying to suppress the tendency to touch the screen again, she folded her hands together. It felt as if an invisible hand had curled itself around her neck and was slowly squeezing the air out. This was the first time in four years she'd finally seen and talked to her mother, and now she would have to say goodbye again. "I love you."
"I love you to, Cat," her mother said, waving softly before moving away from the screen.
When her mother had disappeared, Katherine couldn't hold back the tears any longer. Slowly, the salty substance found its way over her cheekbones. Her teeth found the inside of her cheek and she bit down on it harshly, willing the tears to stop. She let out one sob, overwhelmed with a gulf of home-sickness, but then she erased every evidence of her sadness.
She came up from the chair, carefully stretching her leg, noticing the way she felt her skin pull softly on the stitches. Clarke had to remove them soon or they could stay permanently. She stepped out of the tent and as if the person in question had read her mind, she appeared in front of her. To her side none other than Bellamy.
"Wow, Katherine, are you feeling okay?" Clarke asked. She grabbed the girl by her arms, forcing her to look in her eyes.
Katherine looked in the blue eyes of Clarke, wondering how she was looking. Monty and Jasper had given her an extreme confidence boost already this morning, but now that she had cried she must look even more horrible. Quickly, she forced a smile on her face, taking a step backwards, out of Clarke's arms. "Gee, everybody is just so impressed with how I look today."
"It's that ever so radient glow of permanent happiness, sweetheart," Bellamy said from behind Clarke, giving her a smirk and a thumbs up. In return, Katherine gave the man only a middle finger, not looking impressed in the slightest.
"Anyway," Clarke said slowly, looking from Bellamy to Katherine. "The Ark found some old records that show a supply depot not too far from here. I want the two of you checking it out."
"Why can't you do it?" Katherine asked at the same time Bellamy replied, "What kind of supplies?"
"The kind of supplies that might help us through the winter," Clarke replied, before turning to Katherine. "I need to stay here to make sure everybody keeps doing what they're supposed to do..." Her voice trailed off as her eyes followed Raven's figure, walking from the Dropship to Finn's tent. She obviously had to force herself to snap out of it, before continuing. "And you can take Panther for protection."
Katherine nodded, feeling for Clarke. She could only imagine how she would feel if somebody would do that to her. She stuck her hands in her pockets casually. "Can you take my stitches out afterwards?"
"Of course, you should get going, though," Clarke said.
"I need to tell Nate goodbye and get Panther," Katherine said. She looked at Bellamy. "I'll meet you at the gates in ten."
She didn't wait to see his reactions, instead turning around and walking to the Dropship. It wasn't very hard for her to find Panther, as the latter simply ran up to her when she entered the Dropship. She gave the beast a little pat on the head, something she could do now without having to bend down. He was growing bigger and bigger with the day and she was glad the rest of the camp was now used to him, or at least, in some ways, so that he would have a little more moving space.
Katherine climbed up the stairs to the level where they were keeping the grounder. She was surprised to see Octavia see on a chair, looking ever so grumpy. She stopped climbing, looking at the girl in front of her with an eyebrow raised. "What you're doing here?"
"Waiting till they let me see him," Octavia replied stubbornly. "Bellamy is unrelenting."
"Tell me about it," Katherine said, letting out a huff. She eyed the lock above her head. "I'm going on a trip with him to check out some depot. If I don't make it back alive, you'll have another reason to hate him."
Not waiting another moment, she bumped her fist to the lock to the upper-level, calling out her friends name. Not a second later she heard the lock unbolt, revealing a curious-looking Nate. He raised his eyebrows at her appearance, urging her to climb up quickly.
"Calm down," Katherine muttered, jumping on the platform slightly clumsily. In vain, she tried to beat the dust from her clothes. "It's not like Octavia is going to smack me out of the way so she can enter."
"Well, officially you can't be here either," Nate said. He adjusted his beanie a little, before looking from the Grounder to her. "So, what is it?"
"I'm going on a day-trip to check out some depot, I'm taking Panther with me," she said. She couldn't help but turn around to look at the Grounder. He didn't look all too pretty, but she'd expected nothing less from the guard he was kept under. Absentmindly, she turned to Nate. "Just letting you know."
"You're not going alone, are you?" Nate asked, his eyebrows raised again.
For a moment, Katherine felt her heart ache. The way he was looking at her now, his eyebrows raised, the look in his eyes worried, reminded her painfully of his dad. She smiled and though she normally tested any personal contact, she quickly took a step forward and wrapped her arms around his neck. She felt Nate hesitate for a second, before returning the hug with an even more worried chuckle.
"Are you okay?" he asked, his voice muffled in her almost black hair. "What did I do to earn this?"
Before she was able to reply, the latch to the upper level was opened, revealing an impatient looking Bellamy. He looked from Nate to her with a raised eyebrow and casually, she let go of her friend, daring Bellamy to say something. "Punctuality really is your thing, isn't it?"
"Being patient is yours, isn't it?" she replied sassily. He rolled his eyes, starting to climb down again. Katherine and Nate shared a look, both of them biting on the inside of their cheeks to keep them from laughing. "Anyway, I'll see you tonight or tomorrow. If Bellamy doesn't murder me in an impulse."
"Aye Captain," Nate replied.
Katherine smiled and followed Bellamy down. She greeted Octavia, as it didn't escape her notice that Bellamy only looked at his sister and she looked at him, neither of them saying anything. As she reached the floor, Panther immediately jumped to her leg, his green eyes glowing radiently.
"Here," Bellamy said, holding out a backpack to her. She grabbed it from him, ignoring the spark that seemed to spring from his skin to hers as their fingers touched. She felt his eyes burn into the side of her face and her heart skipped a beat. Willing her body to calm down, she threw the backpack over her shoulders. "Let's go."
✿
"Are you even able to make a trek through the woods?" Bellamy asked her as soon as the two of them had been walking for about an hour. He was looking over his shoulder, stopping for a moment as he noticed that she was a little behind him.
She barely heard Bellamy's voice as her eyes were glued on the map she was holding in her hands. She had gotten the map from Clarke, who'd circled the place of the depot thickly with charcoal. They should be close, but as she looked from the map to the scenery around her, she didn't see anything that even slightly resembled something like a depot.
"The depot should be somewhere around here," she said, feeling slightly frustrated. She hoped the people on the Ark hadn't made a miscalculation again, like they'd done with the dropping. She folded the map and put it in her backpack. She bit on her lip in wonder, scanning the grounds.
"We should split up, cover more ground," Bellamy said, following her glance. "Stay within shouting distance."
She nodded, whisteling Panther, who'd been harassing some squirrel or bunny, close to her side. She took of in the site opposite of Bellamy, taking a last look over her shoulder at the man. He was wearing a concentrated look on his face, but still he looked breath-taking. When she read about the old warriors, from Achilles to Hercules, he was everything she'd imagined. Even though she felt embarrassed of the thoughts, she couldn't deny it was true.
Snapping out of it, she focused on the ground surrounding her. It was littered with stone from what once must have been a grand building, but was now reduced to it's foundation. Just as she wanted to take another step, she felt her foot getting stuck behind something. Out of a reflex, she turned on her side, breaking her clumsy fall with her shoulder. Quickly, she scrambled to her knees, pushing the dead grass that had been covering two handles away.
"Bellamy," she called out. "I've found a door!"
She tried to pull it open, but to no effect. As Bellamy joined her side, he gently pushed her a little to the side. Instead of letting out a sarcastic remark, she watched in fascination as the man in front of her slammed his axe down on the door, effectively opening it afterwards. He looked at her with a smug smirk, causing her to roll her eyes.
"No need to get al highty and mighty," she muttered under her breath, trying to hide her smile. She grabbed to make-shift lamps out of her backpack, handing one to Bellamy before entering the depot.
"You think nobody's been here sinds the war?" Bellamy asked, as he followed her down the stairs.
Exactly a split second later, Katherine's light landed on the decayed body of a dead person. She let out a soft squeak, jumping back in reflex. She bumped into Bellamy, who wrapped his arm around her shoulders to make sure she wouldn't fall down the stairs. She grabbed his arm tightly, letting out a shaky chuckle as she realised how foolish she must look for her jumpiness.
Panther walked to the body as well, sniffing at it for a moment, before trailing down the stairs. It was only then that she realised that she was still holding onto Bellamy as if her life depended on it. Letting out another chuckle, this one a little more awkward, she let go of his arm. "Thanks," she said, not daring to look over her shoulder. Even though it was dark, she wouldn't give Bellamy give the possible satisfaction of seeing her red cheeks.
"This sure is a nice place to die," Bellamy muttered as they made their way downstairs.
"And it can't serve as hideout for the winter," she replied, trying to avoid walking in some cobwebs. She scrunched up her nose. "It's disgusting down here."
She lied down her lamp and opened one of the plastic crates. Her eyes scanned the inside, smiling as she recognized some blankets and two medkits. "I found blankets and medkits," she said excitedly. Niftily, her fingers opened the medkits, revealing several rolls of bandage, a few gauzes and loads of bandaids.
"How about some food, or weapons?" Bellamy exclaimed loudly.
Taken aback by his aggression, Katherine turned around, her eyebrows raised in question. She watched Bellamy hit some crates in anger, his face twisted in frustration. Once again he reminded her of Ares, the Greek god of war. She wanted to walk towards him, force him to calm down, but then he decided to kick down a barrel. The sound of wet metal clattering on the ground echoed through the hollow depot.
Bellamy and Katherine shared a look, the first quickly knealing down to grab something. He looked back at her with a smug smile, his eyes twinkling with joy. Wondering whatever he'd found, Katherine joined his side. She immediately the metal as guns, her eyes widening. She let out a scoff and shook her head in disbelief. "Ask and you shall receive."
"If only it was that easy," Bellamy replied, cleaning his hands from the grease in which the guns had been covered.