It had been a busy Tuesday morning at the chic coffee shop where I worked. The lunch crowd was just starting to slow down as we were getting past one o'clock in the afternoon. I had been making coffee drinks all morning, except for the occasional cup of tea. My coworker, Ava, was working with me. She usually made the sandwiches and salads we sold. Most of them were made early in the morning and stacked in the refrigerated display case on the outer side of the stainless steel countertop, before the lunch rush, but we took orders as well if the pre-made inventory was running low. I was due for a break but Ava had just gotten a salad order so I stayed to take the next customer.
"What can I get you?" I asked the next guest without looking up, not because I was being rude, but because I was trying to be efficient by multitasking. I continued to clean out the tumbler I had used to mix the last cafe mocha while I waited for the order.
"Eh," the dark deep voice started and it was all it took for my stomach to clench in response. "A small dark coffee, please" he finished.
My hands loosened the grip around the tumbler and I almost dropped it into the sink. I knew that voice. It had been years since I heard it and I had tried my hardest to forget all about him, but I knew the person behind it without even having to look up.
Damn it. Why did he have the power to make my breathing catch and my chest tighten after all this time?
"For here or to go?" I asked. My voice hitched and I was afraid to meet his eyes. I kept them stubbornly focused on the half wall in front of me that was full of all the kinds of items a successful coffee shop needed.
"For here."
I put the tumbler down to dry and grabbed one of the porcelain coffee cups instead of the usual paper ones we used when the customers wanted their beverages to go.
"Anything else?"
"No." Noah's voice was deeper than I remembered but still just as confident.
"Coming right up," I responded in a slightly shaky tone.
Ava's eyebrows rose up above her quirky glasses when I made no attempt to ring up the purchase. She must have realized something was up because she moved over to the register without a word and entered the order for me.
"That's $3.25," she told Noah.
I refused to look up or meet his gaze even though I knew it was childish, and not very customer friendly. I also knew what I'd find if I did look up. A tall male with an athletic build and unruly, dark blond, curly hair. A face chiseled to perfection with scorching brown eyes and full lips. I knew Noah Blackwell was on the other side of that counter just like I knew my own heart was beating abnormally fast.
It had been years since I last heard his voice but I would be able to identify it in any situation and at any time. I just didn't want to.
This was the same guy that broke my heart five years ago. No, that's not true. He didn't just break it. He crushed it and shattered it until there were only pieces left. It took me months of therapy to get myself out of the depression that followed.
My heart was pounding in my chest. Even after all this time, his mere presence made my whole body go weak and stupid. I hated it. I didn't want to look up at him or be anywhere near him. Least of all make him a cup of coffee like I was catering to his needs and wants.
I felt both Noah's and Ava's eyes on me as I moved over to the coffee machine. I must've made some kind of involuntary sound or mumbled under my breath. That happened sometimes, especially when I was stressed. But I continued to stubbornly keep my eyes away from Noah and focused on the black liquid swirling around in the coffee carafe as I began to pour it into the cup. I took a deep breath and tried to make my heart rate return to normal.
This was stupid. So freaking stupid. He was just a customer.
Noah and I used to be a couple, but that was years ago. In high school for god's sake. I hadn't seen him in over five years. Yes, I'd thought he was the love of my life at the time, but I'd worked through it. I had picked myself back up from the floor, dusted myself off, and carefully mended the pieces of my broken heart back together. They weren't all back in place yet, I was aware of that, but I was dealing. I had dated since him and even had a short three months relationship with a fellow nursing student a while back. Granted I hadn't been on a date in over six months and I couldn't even remember how long it had been since I last had sex. A year? Or maybe two?
Was that why Noah's presence in my coffee shop rattled me to the core?
Maybe it was just sexual frustration.
I pushed my blond hair out of my forehead and handed the coffee cup over to Ava. She accepted it with a puzzled expression on her face. I pretended I didn't notice and looked down at the next order, a pumpkin spice latte, and moved over to the syrups.
"Em?" Noah's voice came then. "Is that you?"
Ah shit. Really? I had tried my hardest to avoid him and I really thought I was in the clear but obviously not. Couldn't he just have taken his stupid cup of coffee and left like a normal person?
"Hi, Noah," I said and glanced up at him over my shoulder despite knowing better.
The second my eyes met his deep brown ones I felt the world begin to shift. It was like the earth fell off its axis and started to turn faster than normal. I knew from prior experience that it would most likely end with me on the floor so I took a good grip on the edge of the countertop in order to keep myself upright. Noah was even more gorgeous than I remembered. He had been strikingly handsome in high school but with a boyish look. Now, he was all man. His strong features were even more defined than I remembered, but his hair was a bit more tamed. Instead of the casual jeans and varsity jacket he used to wear everywhere, he was dressed in a pair of dark slacks with a white button-up shirt underneath a dark green sweater. A lighter green-colored tie and dark brown trench coat finished off the look and the effect was striking. He still was one of the most good-looking men I'd ever seen.
"Wow." Noah's expression showed that he was surprised to see me. Maybe even a bit excited about it. "It's good to see you, Em," he said. "How have you been?"
Ava's eyes were burning a hole in the side of my head but I continued to ignore her and tried to focus on the latte I was supposed to be making. Anything to keep my head on straight.
"Good," I responded not all truthfully.
"That's good. You look good" he said, his voice softer.
I glanced up at him again and felt my chest tighten the way it used to when he was around. I tried to shrug it off. "How are you doing?" I asked and tried to sound cheerful, but it fell a little flat.
"I'm doing really well. Graduated last year and now I'm in working in marketing."
"Oh, that's great. You always wanted to do that." Despite not wanting to have any interaction with him, I was happy that he had succeeded. I felt a small genuine smile creep up on my face. "Congratulations!"
"Thanks, Em." He had the coffee cup in his hand and shifted his weight from one foot to the other but made no attempt to move away from the counter. We weren't super busy so he wasn't really blocking anyone but the customers online sent curious looks our way. "Did you end up going to veterinary school?" he asked.
"No, nursing."
"Oh."
His eyebrows drew together into a surprised expression and he probably should be. I'd wanted to be a veterinarian for as long as I could remember. I loved animals. Growing up we had both cats and dogs. My brother had a lizard and my grandparents had chickens, goats, and sheep. I'd loved helping out at their small farm and I'd had all intentions of applying to veterinary school after college, but then my father got sick shortly after we moved here my junior year of high school for his new job. I couldn't leave him on his own to go away to college after that. So I changed my career choice to nursing, which still felt like a sensible decision for me. I'd still be taking care of patients. It was just that these were the talking kind. Humans instead of animals. It wasn't what I'd planned, but I'd come to terms with it.
My father passed away a year ago. While I could still change my major and move away to school since nothing was keeping me in this town any longer, I couldn't see leaving the small house my dad left me in his will.
"Yeah, it's a long story," I sighed.
"So how come you are working here?" he asked curiously.
"I have a year left. This pays the bills in the meantime."
He just nodded slowly instead of saying anything. It was so familiar that I felt myself relax a little bit. He didn't ask or pry as to why I had a year left and for that I was thankful. I didn't particularly like to tell anyone about the hellish year I'd had when I cared for my dying father.
I finished the latte and handed it over to Ava who yet again gave me a strange look which I continued to ignore. I picked up the next order and reached for the caramel syrup.
"Noah," I heard a sharp female voice call out from near the entrance.
This time I just reacted without thinking and looked up to find a striking woman hurrying into the coffee shop. Her sleek dark hair hung straight down to her shoulders. She was tall and thin, dressed in a dark suit with a strand of pearls around her neck. She looked just as much of a successful business individual as he did. Her heels clicked against the floor as she moved over to Noah. I wondered if they were coworkers, but that thought was quickly dismissed when she leaned in and pressed her lips to his, setting the records straight. Clearly not coworkers. I watched as Noah's body stiffened and a slight pink color appeared on his cheeks.
I was surprised that he was blushing, but not surprised that he was with a girl. He was very attractive and I'd heard that he'd broken a few more hearts after mine.
What surprised me the most was the disappointment I felt at the sight of the two of them together. The way she possessively placed her manicured hand on his arm as she smiled up at him displayed to the world that Noah was hers.
"Do you want anything?" Noah asked her all while I tried to remember what my next order was and why I was holding the caramel?
"Yeah, I'll have a latte."
"Em, can you make a latte please?" Noah asked, and now it was his turn to refuse eye contact.
"You got it," I said, my tone a little sharper than needed.
I picked up another cup as the woman moved out of view. I finished the latte and handed it over to Noah. I charged him the $4 and he handed me a five. I took it from him, opened the register, and gave him back a dollar bill. His hand graced mine as he took it from me and I felt his hand stiffen at the same time as mine did. Our bodies still reacted to each other the way they always had. Noah's eyes met mine then, head-on, and they were dark and intense, not the usual warn brown.
"Thanks, Em," he said as he pushed the dollar bill into the tip jar. "It was really good to see you."
"Yeah, you too." But it really wasn't. Seeing him stirred up things that had been pushed down and hidden away behind an imaginary lock and key for years.
I took my break after I watched Noah walk over to the woman with the sleek dark hair and sit down across from her at one of the small tables by the window. The way she smiled at him, like he had hung the moon and the stars. It was the way I used to look at him. The way you looked at someone you loved.
Thankfully they had left by the time I came back in from the break-room. The rest of the afternoon passed by in a blur. My mind was swirling around things I hadn't thought about in a long time. Ava tried to make conversation a couple of times but I didn't even respond. I was too overwhelmed with feelings I couldn't identify and it scared me. When I got home that night I poured myself a glass of wine before I picked up the phone to call my brother.
"Hey, stranger," Eric's voice rang through the phone. I could hear the TV on in the background and the sound of his toddler daughter's laugh in the background. Usually, that was all it took to put a smile on my face, but not this time.
"Hi."
"What's wrong," he asked immediately and I could almost sense the way his body tensed. He knew me so well.
"Noah," I said and heard Eric groan on the other end. "He came into the coffee shop today."
"Oh shit Em. Are you alright?"
I could have lied to him and said I was fine but he knew me better than anyone so he would most likely have seen through it. It was easier to just be honest. "Not really," I admitted.
"Damn, what happened? What the hell is he doing here?"
"I don't know what he is doing here. I'm assuming he's here on business. He was dressed like he was."
"Okay."
I heard Eric mute the TV and pictured him leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees. His blond hair, similar in color to mine, fell over his forehead. I took another sip of my wine and watched the golden liquid swirl around as I moved the glass.
"Did you talk to him?" Eric asked.
"Just for a couple of minutes. He graduated with a marketing degree." I wasn't even sure why I felt the need to tell my brother that. I just did.
"Mhm."
"He was there with his girlfriend," I continued but as soon as the words passed my lips I felt stupid. I should've never made this call to bother Eric with this bullshit. Why wouldn't Noah have a girlfriend? He'd probably had quite a few since we were together. Hell, there'd probably been a line waiting. The question was why did it bother me?
It had been years. I was over him. I swallowed the rest of the wine and got up from the couch. I was about to tell Eric to forget about the call and I'd see him another day when he asked "do you want me to come over?"
"What?" I stopped dead in my tracks. He lived more than an hour away from me and it was a weeknight. He had to get up early to go to work in the morning and he had his daughter and fiancé to worry about. I didn't need him to worry about me too. Not like he used to have to. "No, Eric. I'll be fine."
"I know you will be Emelie, but I am your brother. I know you. This is bothering you. For you to even call me, it tells me it is bothering you more than you are letting on."
I sighed. He was correct of course. Seeing Noah had brought back all those feelings of what happened five years ago and it felt like it was yesterday.
"Em, you can't let this bring you back down. Maybe you should call the therapist. Set up another couple of appointments."
I sighed and closed my eyes. This had been a bad idea.
"I think I'll be okay. I just saw him, Eric. I probably won't see him ever again."
"I know, I know. I just worry about you. You're my baby sister and with what happened last time..." he didn't have to finish that sentence. We both knew what he was referring to. It didn't matter that I'd been in high school and Noah and I were just kids. The effect it had on me when I found out that he had cheated on me with my best friend shortly after Eric and I'd moved out of town with my father, was catastrophic. My grades had plummeted to the point where I almost failed that entire semester. After years of therapy, I realized that he wasn't the only reason I'd gotten depressed, but he was what started it.
It had taken a lot of Eric's and my dad's efforts to get me better. They stood by me while I cried, listened to me rant, and took me to therapy.
I picked up the wine bottle and poured myself another glass, a bigger glass this time. It was not the best idea as I had an early class in the morning and couldn't be hungover, but I needed something to relax.
"Em," Eric said.
"Huh..." It brought me out of the thoughts that were swirling around in my head.
"Promise me you make an appointment if you start to feel depressed again."
"Eric.." I groaned.
"No, Em. Damn it. Promise me or I'm coming down there, right now." His voice had taken on the no-nonsense tone that I knew better than to argue with.
"Fine. I promise."
"Good," he let out a sigh. "You take care of yourself and I'll see you on Saturday."
"Okay."
Saturday was Eric's fiancé, Mary's, birthday. I had totally forgotten. She was turning 28 and we were going to celebrate.
Eric, who is five years older than me, met Mary when he started working at the same high school where she worked as a math teacher a few years back. Eric was hired as a physical education teacher and it didn't take long before he and Mary began dating. They have since gotten engaged, rented a house, and had a baby girl, Evelyn. She'll be turning two in a few months. She is, and has always been, well ever since she was born, the apple of my eye, and I spoil her every chance I get. Which isn't as often as I'd like it to be. Between their busy schedules, my school, and work, there just isn't that much time left over for her.
I finished the call with my brother and contemplated calling my best friend but decided against it. She would have way too many questions and I wasn't sure if I had any answers. It felt like all I had was questions and emotions and they weren't the good ones at the moment.
Why did Noah freaking Blackwell have to show back up in my life? And why did the fact that he did, affect me so much?
I swallowed the rest of the wine and stood up. I couldn't let him ruin me again. This time I needed to stay focused on myself and stay strong. Seeing Noah had just been a temporary upset. Nothing more.
So why couldn't I stop hoping that I'd see him again?