Eli and I stayed at the cemetery for a little while longer, only leaving when the sun began to set. I thought Eli would take me home, but instead he drove to the beach. We walked barefoot in the sand for a bit, before sitting down watching the waves crash on the shore.
"Wren," Eli started. We were facing each other now, he held my hands in his, and made sure to keep eye contact with me. "You are a unique person... in the best way. You are creative, caring, and funny and probably the most determined person I've ever met. I may not know the details, but I know life has been hard on you, yet you always make sure everyone else is okay. You know you are an amazing person, right?"
"Stop that, I am not." I argued.
"That is what people see when they talk to you and hang around you. But there are things I don't know about you, because you're used to keeping them to yourself and that's okay. It's okay to want to hold onto things only for you. If something is hurting you though, or bothering you, you need to tell someone. I don't care if it's me, or Max, or Chloe, or anyone else. You should tell someone."
"Eli, I-"
He didn't give me the chance to finish though, "hold on, Wren. Listen to me. I like you a lot and you mean so much to me. I hate seeing you hurt in anyway, and I couldn't even imagine being the cause of that hurt. So, I'm gonna ask this once and I hope you trust me enough to answer truthfully; whether you do or not, I won't ask any more questions."
He took a minute to pause, like he really wanted me to think about what my decision would be. I always wanted to be as honest as I could with him, but it all depended on the question. Sometimes being honest didn't mean explaining the how's and why's, "okay."
"Are you okay, Birdie?"
That stopped my train of thought in its tracks. This was not the question I was expecting; I was thinking maybe a "why" or something along the lines of a "what's been hurting you?" Not "are you okay." And when I thought about it, I discovered that I was so immersed in pretending all the time, that even when I did mess up, I hadn't even realized that's what it was. What I meant by that was, I had convinced myself that everything I had been going through recently was all a part of being okay.
As I came to that conclusion, everything began to become too much and I once again found myself bawling my eyes out as I shook my head back and forth in response to him.
Eli wrapped me up in his arms similar to how he had earlier. Though he seemed talkative a few minutes earlier, he didn't seem like he wanted to do much talking himself in that moment.
"The whole ride home from the hospital, I was upset about leaving dad like that. But my mom ignored me... until we got home. She practically yelled at me that he was dead and rushed to her room. It was so cruel to phrase it that way to a child." It was quiet for a while before I spoke again, "she couldn't even look at me after, much less take care of me. My grandmother took care of me the day of the funeral. I haven't seen any family since; I don't even remember who they are anymore."
I sat back up to face him and told him more about my mom; how she neglected me as a child and bought my silence with a credit card and my own space. How Max was always protective of me, since day one. "I haven't talked to my mom, or seen her really, in years."
"It must be like she's a whole different person than she was before your dad, huh?" Eli observed. I only nodded in response. "You've been on your own for a long time. That's not fair."
That's not even the half of it.
"Can I be honest with you?" Eli asked me.
"Of course you can."
"I don't want this to come across the wrong way, please just know it comes from a good place. I'm worried about you." His gaze shifted to my arms. "I can't imagine the kind of things you must have gone through, and I know I don't know everything, but this—it scares me. I don't want to lose you before I really get to know the real you. So I want you to call me any time, day or night, when you feel the urge to do this again. I don't care how late or early it is, I'll try my hardest to get your mind off of it."
I sat there for a few minutes, trying to digest his words. It was then I decided I was going to tell him the one thing I'd kept from everyone... even from Max. "You wanna know why it bothers me so much when someone calls me Wrennie?"
"If you're willing to tell me, then I will listen."
"When I was in fifth grade, Chloe and I met this kid named Jordan. He was a few years older than us, but he seemed really sweet and funny. He came up with the nickname. Immediately the three of us became very close, almost inseparable outside of school. We practically did everything together. Well, after a while, I realized I had a crush on him and when I was in eighth grade we started dating. He was a junior and all my friends thought it was really cool that I was dating a high schooler. I mean, I guess it was, but I didn't see it that way; I just saw it as we liked each other so we started dating."
I took a moment to gauge his reaction, outside of confusion I couldn't tell. It was like he was hiding it so I had no idea what he was thinking or feeling, but I continued on anyway, "Chloe, Jordan, and I had been friends so long beforehand, we would say that we loved each other all the time. So it was so easy to just fall into the habit of saying it throughout the relationship. It was going really well for a while, but when he graduated high school, he started to change."
"Wren, you don't have to tell me anymore."
"No Eli. I started the story and I'm going to finish it. I messed things up a lot; I did things wrong. I would do his homework to prepare me for college and if I got an answer wrong he would pull me from the desk, toss me across the room and kick me. When I dropped something or if I said something wrong, he would hit me. I always made the wrong decisions.
"Do you remember the first time we went roller skating together and we went to The Box afterward?" He nodded in response, "when I started to freak out, it was because I didn't know what was safe to order. I remembered a time when Jordan and I had gone out to get food to bring home, and I ordered my favorite. He got mad at me because he didn't like what I had gotten and didn't want to spend money on something he didn't like. I mean it makes sense, right? It was so stupid of me. I should have checked to make sure it was okay.
"He would always call me Wrennie, the only times he would ever call me Wren was when I really screwed things up. And it used to terrify me when he did. This was one of those times. When we got home he shoved me into the wall so hard my vision went blurry for a while, demanded to know why I would do that, and he punched me in the face. I had a black eye for at least a week. I deserved it though; I should have known better. I never learned my lesson though, I was always messing something up."
Eli was about to interrupt me, but I wasn't finished yet, "I would cover up the bruises and scratches because I was embarrassed and thought that everyone would know how badly I always messed things up. That went on throughout my years in high school. Until one day in my junior year, he just disappeared. He didn't return any texts or phone calls. I think I messed up so bad that I made him go away. That's left me really fucked up."
"You know none of that was your fault, right? He abused you for years, that's on him."
"I know, I try to tell myself that all the time; it doesn't always compute. Um, anyway after that I dated Xavier for maybe a month. It was weird, I kind of jumped into it thinking that it would help me forget. But it didn't, it just felt wrong. I didn't like him that much, he was just a person that was there. I couldn't do it though, so I broke it off."
"You are stronger than I ever could have imagined for going through what you did. I'm proud of you for fighting against the odds. And I'm proud of you for trusting me enough to tell me."
Hearing that made me feel weird. A good weird, but weird nonetheless. "I don't think anyone has ever said that to me before. Thank you." I moved closer to him and wrapped my arms around him in the biggest hug I think I'd ever given anyone.
"I'm so proud of you, Birdie."
~~~
Something changed between Eli and I after the night I told him about my dad and Jordan. I believed him when he had told me that he didn't want to do anything to hurt me, but sometimes people hurt you and they didn't even realize it or it wasn't their intention. I was convinced that he was going to end up hurting me. I had come up with different scenarios of him breaking up with me in my head; ones where he claimed that he needed me to focus on getting better for myself first before I focused on him or that he couldn't handle me because he was losing sight of himself.
The way I acted was different though. I opened myself up to him more. I told him about things that may have caused a specific reaction after it happened. I called him late at night or early in the morning when all I could think about was how much of a failure I was and all I wanted to do was rip open my skin. Of course, it didn't work every time, but the way he handled everything and how he could manage to calm me down so quickly, made me think that he was different from everyone else. I hadn't told him everything; I left out information that was no longer important or that didn't affect me. I hated to admit it, but I trusted him more than I had before because of it.
The first few days after visiting my father's grave were a bit of a blur. I was mostly stuck in my head, wondering if I could trust what Eli had said and how I felt towards it and him. When I called Max and told him what happened, leaving out details about Jordan, his attitude towards Eli changed. Max wasn't as against the idea of me being with him anymore. He even set up a time for all three of us to go out. When I had got to the restaurant, Eli and Max had already been sat. They wouldn't tell me how long they had been there for or what they had talked about, but they were being genuinely friendly so I had let it go.
Dinner with the two of them was nice. I had a wonderful time, the conversation flowed comfortably and we shared a lot of laughs. It was a relief to know that the two of them were finally getting along. Five, almost six months was a long time to be skeptical of someone and their intentions. I should know, I was still slightly conflicted myself.
That inner conflict was almost destroyed though. It was difficult to continue to fight with myself about Eli when he had proved in ways that no one else, besides Max, had that he was there for and truly cared about me. For the most part, I pushed what was left of that struggle to the back of my head so that I could focus more on enjoying the time I had with Eli.
I pulled a towel from the rack and wrapped it around my body. Eli and I were celebrating a milestone today; our six month anniversary. I was excited, but also nervous. It was a weird feeling. I had experienced it before, but every time it occurred it threw me off. My heart would pound so hard in my chest that I could feel it in my ears. My brain was going a mile a minute; the thoughts flew through my head before I could even register what they were.
My next step was brushing out the knots in my hair while it was still wet and then putting all the products in it so my curls would stay intact, bouncy, and wouldn't frizz. After that I brushed my teeth, then made my way to the closet to put my outfit together. I picked out a pair of dark wash skinny jeans and a neutral colored top, then got dressed for my date. I made my way back into the bathroom to apply some concealer and mascara. When I was finished with that, I grabbed a pair of socks and booties to finish getting ready.
Eli showed up not long after that. The car ride was spent in a comfortable silence as we listened to the radio. It was still early in the afternoon and like always, he kept what we were doing a surprise.
After about a half an hour of driving, we pulled into the fairgrounds. From what I could tell there was a fair going on. Seeing this made me a bit nervous, but I tried to hide it as best as I could. I didn't want to ruin whatever Eli had planned for the day. He saw through it though, he usually saw through things when I tried to hide them from him, "you okay?"
I anxiously ran my hand through my hair, flipping its part onto the opposite side. "Yeah, yeah..." I hesitated continuing glancing over at the Ferris wheel. "Just - can we avoid the Ferris wheel? I really don't like them."
Eli chuckled at my reaction, "yeah, of course. Don't worry, Birdie. I won't make you go on anything you don't want to ride."
I smiled at his response; he was truly different than anyone I had ever met. Even Chloe would have forced me to get on the Ferris wheel with her no matter how much I rejected the idea, claiming that she didn't want to go by herself. I took his hand that was reached out for mine, content with the idea that maybe I could do this without freaking out.
Eli insisted on paying for our wristbands, even though I argued with him about it. "That's not fair, Ellie." I complained as we walked around the fairgrounds to look around at all there was to do. "You know I don't like you paying for my stuff." It made me feel like it was going to be used against me at a later point and like I wasn't capable of providing for myself.
"I know, but I want to. I know what you're thinking and I get it, but you deserve to be treated right and to not have to worry about things like that." I nodded, even though I was still a bit wary of it. Eli changed the subject, "what do you want to do first?"
Once again, I was hesitant to answer, concerned that he wouldn't want to go on the ride that I picked. I quickly shook the thought from my head. He wasn't the same. This was Eli. Eli, who picked up my phone calls at three in the morning and talked to me when all I wanted was to see red covering my skin. Everything is fine. "Um, that one." I told him, pointing to a ride called Magnum that spun around horizontally and the individual carriages that could spin vertically 360 degrees.
After that we spent all afternoon going on almost all of the other carnival rides available to us and shared a plate of funnel cake that Eli let me pay for after a few minutes of convincing. We only left after the two of us were satisfied that we had done everything we had wanted. It was dark when we made it back to Eli's car. "You hungry?" Eli asked me, as he drove off.
"Starving!" I exclaimed.
He chuckled before saying, "good. I have a place in mind."
I thought that he had meant The Box, but I had been wrong. We pulled up to a small, fancy Italian restaurant. Eli laughed at the expression on my face as we walked inside, "Eli! It's not funny. I'm not dressed for a place this nice!"
"You look beautiful, as always." He told me kissing me on my temple.
The woman at the podium greeted us and asked if we had a reservation, to which Eli nodded and gave her the name he had made it under. The lady glanced at me, before looking to check for the reservation which caused my heart rate to spike. Eli squeezed my hand in attempt to help me calm down and pulled me closer to him, wrapping an arm around my waist. He softly whispered in my ear, "hey, I gotcha. It's just you and me, Birdie. Everything's okay." He kissed me again, this time on my jaw where it met my ear.
The hostess took us to our table, glancing at me once more before walking off. I sat there getting more anxious by the second. The good thing about this place was that it wasn't too busy and there weren't that many other tables that had been sat around us, maybe that was on purpose. My leg started bouncing restlessly and I began picking at my cuticles with my hands in my lap.
"What are you thinking of getting?" Eli's voice distracted me from my thoughts.
I picked up the menu in front of me and started looking through the items on it and their descriptions, "I'm not sure yet. What about you?"
Eli smiled before telling me, "probably chicken marinara."
I giggled softly at his response, "I should have guessed that." Whenever we went somewhere that had that item on the menu, Eli got it. He claimed that it was one of his favorite meals. I searched through the menu some more before deciding on getting Alfredo; like Eli with the chicken marinara, it was one of my favorites.
We ordered our food and ate quietly. Every once in a while we would make conversation or Eli would make a dumb joke to get me to laugh; I was having a lot of fun. Being with Eli made me feel so free. That was something I hadn't felt in the longest time. It was still strange for me, but I liked feeling that way.
After finishing at the restaurant, Eli drove to the beach. The same one he had taken me to when I'd told him about my parents and Jordan. We got out of the car and walked in silence along the shore hand in hand. The breeze felt nice against my skin and once again I became aware of the feeling of being free.
It was wild for me to think that one person in such a short amount of time could change so much. Things weren't anywhere close to perfect, but with Eli around life was easier. He was helping me to see things in an entirely different way.
We settled in the sand on a blanket and watched the waves crash into the shore. After what seemed like hours Eli turned to me and said, "I have something for you." He pulled something out of his pocket then crawled behind me.
"What are you doing?" I managed to get out while laughing at his actions. Instead of answering me, he pulled my hair to the side of my head and brought a necklace around my neck and clasped it. I glanced down and saw the shape of a bird in silver.
I smiled to myself. Birdie. I craned my neck towards him and gently placed my lips on his. I held the charm in my hand as I looked up into his brown eyes. "Thank you, Ellie." I told him. "I love it."
The biggest smile came across his face. Then he sat down behind me placing his legs around my sides and wrapped his arms around my waist. "Good. I was hoping you would."
We sat again in silence for a few minutes, "it's kind of ironic though." Eli just hummed in question as a response, so I continued to explain. "You know, since I kind of hate birds."
He glanced down at me, amusement clear on his face, "and why is it that you hate birds?"
"I guess it's an irrational fear. One day they're gonna take over, peck us all to death. Plus they're just creepy looking!" Eli laughed at my explanation, causing me to smile at the reaction. I knew that it didn't make a lot of sense, but I'd been scared of birds for as long as I could remember.
"You truly are something else, Birdie." He said, then it was quiet between us again. I settled back into his chest and enjoyed spending time with him like this; it gave me a sense of peace. With only the sand, the ocean, moon, and the stars as the beautiful scenery surrounding the two of us.
❤️💜
Hello beautiful people!!
This chapter is 3,747 words. I hope you liked it. Things are starting to come together nicely for the love birds... (lol)
Please be sure to leave a comment or vote to let me know what you think or ways I can improve. Constructive criticism is always welcome 😊
Thanks!!
TM