༉˚*ೃ 𝐖𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐓𝐎𝐗𝐈𝐂 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐀𝐁𝐔𝐒𝐈𝐕𝐄 𝐑𝐄𝐋𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐏𝐒.
( tw. abuse, toxic relationships and domestic violence. very brief mention of suicide, mental illnesses and eating disorders . )
this is for when writing toxic romantic relationships is intentional, and made to be portrayed in a negative light, in the situation of an abusive ex or an abusive current partner. this is not to be romanticised, where the love interest does these things. there will be a follow-up chapter to this for how to avoid creating romanticised toxic relationships, which is unfortunately the case in a lot of romance stories (in particular, wattpad fics written by younger writers) as in teen fiction the line between "bad boys" and abusers has become pretty blurry. for now, this chapter is tips for how to accurately portray the negative effects of toxic/abusive relationships and the red flags that the abusive partner will portray.
this is one of those subjects that needs to have a lot of research put into it if you're going to write about it. it's very touchy and should never be romanticised. research people's first-hand accounts and find examples of different cases to learn how abusers can manipulate and control the victims. abuse can range from mild verbal abuse (which is still terrible and can leave the victim with lasting psychological damage) to very violent physical abuse. no abuser or victim is the same.
this chapter will mainly be defining abusive relationships, different kinds of abuse, red flags and signs, trauma, etc, so that you can shape your stories surrounding abuse in a realistic and respectful way. i'll not be talking a lot about how to write you stories, rather just stating real facts that will help you. this chapter will refer to mainly abuse in romantic relationships, but does translate over to familial and authorative relationships with the signs, abuse, etc.
when giving dot-point examples, i'll be writing in terms of "you" bc it's easier to explain the scenarios. "you" is referring to the victim and "they" is referring to the abuser.
TYPES AND SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. → * . &
firstly, not all abuse is physical. it can be a factor, but many cases of abuse are verbal, mental and manipulative. it can seem invisible to outsiders. abusers can be of any gender, and can occur in both heterosexual and lgbt+ relationships. there is no certain box for an abuser; abusers can be anybody, as can the victim.
many of the quotes taken from books and research in this book will be regarding women in reference to a male abuser as much of the sources i have are books in that particular regard, however it's important to note that there is no one certain abuser, and no one certain victim.
some signs of a toxic and abusive relationship are:
. & ━ control → the need for them to control you and everything you do. who you hang out with, who you text, where you go, etc. tries tell you what you should think.
. & ━ dishonesty .
. & ━ disrespect .
. & ━ intimidation .
. & ━ passive-aggressiveness → a lot of it. constantly .
. & ━ guilt-tripping → when the abusive partner constantly brings up your past mistakes to make you feel guilty. they constantly bring it up to guilt you into doing what they ask, and will blow it up into a bigger deal than it was. they will use it to demean and make you feel self-conscious, and may use it to try to make you feel like nothing you ever do is right. this is often to get you to stay with them .
. & ━ "no one else will ever love you" → telling you that you'll never find anyone else better than them, that no one else will ever love you like they do. a form of maniuplation to get you to stay with them .
. & ━ physical violence → will be expanded on later in this chapter .
. & ━ sexual violence .
. & ━ separation → distancing you from friends and loved ones. an overprotectiveness where they view you as an object to be own and believe you belong to them, and them only. they may do this by telling you things that aren't true, perhaps that they don't like you or that they're bad influences. another form of control .
. & ━ no privacy → going through your phone, emails, messages, social medias, etc. an expression of jealousy or a need for control. they don't trust you and constantly blame you for talking to people other than them .
. & ━ holding the relationship hostage → with ultimatums and threats. if you're not shaping up, they'll use your own attachment to them to threaten or blackmail you with the relationship as a whole. "if you do that, i'll leave you". "i can't date someone who is cold to me all the time". they've decided they don't want you seeing a certain friend? going out to a certain bar? this will come up .
. & ━ all take and no give → you give them everything and put all the effort into the relationship, while they simply take and don't give back .
. & ━ hostile behaviour → constantly feeling at threat because of them or their constant anger .
. & ━ managing your appearance and weight → they force you to look a certain way, or diet so you'll please them .
. & ━ they're always right → you're forced to constantly change your opinions to please them .
. & ━ devaluation → begins once you start becoming attached to them. random comments blaming you, devaluing you. they begin to place seeds of doubt about your own character into your mind .
. & ━ questioning your sanity → turning the problem on you. "are you crazy?". makes you feel like a problem's your fault, even if you don't remember it being that way. makes you feel bad and want to apologise, gives your manipulative partner the upper hand .
. & ━ lashing out and blaming you constantly for their own actions → "look at what you made me do" or "you're really pissing me off" without it warranting the anger, in a very aggressive way .
. & ━ constant negativity → they are constantly negative, to a point where it's non-stop. they are always criticising you for everything that you do and have a very pessimistic attitude .
. & ━ projecting → pushing their desires or wrongdoings on you. if they've cheated, it's your fault for "wanting to cheat" first. if they're mean, it's your fault because "you were mean" first. a form of blame shifting designed to make you feel bad while they avoid blame and avoid thinking about their desires .
. & ━ talking shit in arguments → making stuff up to make them seem more intelligent or better than you .
. & ━ shifting the blame → everything is your fault, all their wrongdoings are because of something you did. they cheated because "you weren't enough" or they were mean because "you were being pathetic". they justify their actions by placing the blame on you .
. & ━ making you feel unworthy and unappreciated .
. & ━ talking about themselves → they one-up you at everything. if your day was bad, theirs was worse. they want all the sympathy and attention and will take it away from you as soon as possible .
. & ━ saying mean things as a "joke" → saying genuinely hurtful comments repetitively and then saying it was a joke, blaming you for not finding it humourous .
. & ━ triangulation → "your mum loves me, why would you leave me?". using a third party's supposed opinion (who probably doesn't know the full story) to manipulate you. however, you can also use this tactic in defense by gaining the influence of a third party who can stand up to you and add validation to your comments .
. & ━ misrepresenting your opinions to put you down → putting words into your mouth. your partner will make broad, sweeping statements that class you as a certain person and may put you down. while these may not be true, they can have a serious effect on your self-worth. "you'll never be happy," is an example of this. statements like these might come up when you bring up a concern, and it will destroy your confidence to argue .
. & ━ misrepresenting your opinions to play the victim → "you make me out to be awful". "you're always acting like you're perfect". another way to make you feel crazy and clingy, when you're really just sticking up for yourself .
. & ━ targeting your reputation → this results in isolating you as much as possible, making your abusive partner the centre of your universe. they'll say bad things about you behind your back or to your face that paint them as the victim. they'll call you names that make you the aggressor, like a "bitch" .
these aren't all the red flags for an abusive relationship, every abuser is different, but a lot of these are fundamental components for a toxic relationship and an abusive one at that. remember that emotional abuse is just as bad as physical, both leave long-lasting mental scars (which i'll discuss later).
whether physical or emotional abuse, lundy bancroft says in her book "why does he do that?":
. & → ¹
" the behaviour of either style of abuser grows from the same roots and is driven by the same thinking. ... physically assaultive men are also verbally abusive to their partners. mentally cruel and manipulative men tend to gradually drift into using physical intimidation as well. ... the extent of their common ground may startle you. "
the mood changes of the abuser, bancroft states, seem to be the main factor in most abusive relationships:
. & → ²
" the abuser's mood changes are especially perplexing. he can be a different person from day to day, or even hour to hour. at times he is aggressive and intimidating, his tone harsh, insults spewing from his mouth, ridicule dripping from him like oil from a drum. when he's in this mode, nothing she says seems to have any impact on him, except to make him even angrier. her side of the argument counts for nothing in his eyes, and everything is her fault. he twists her words around so that she always ends up on the defensive. as so many of partners of my clients have said to me, "i just can't seem to do anything right."
at other moments, he sounds wounded and lost, hungering for love and for someone to take care of him. when this side of him emerges, he appears open and ready to heal. he seems to let down his guard, his hard exterior softens, and he may take on the quality of a hurt child, difficult and frustrating but loveable. looking at him in this deflated state, his partner has trouble imagining that the abuser inside of him will ever be back.
the beast that takes him over at other times looks completely unrelated to the tender person she now sees.
sooner or later, though, the shadow comes back over him, as if it had a life of its own. weeks of peace may go by, but eventually she fingers herself under assault once again. then her head spins with the arduous effort of untangling the many threads of his character, until she begins to wonder whether she is the one whose head isn't quite right. "
it is here that the concept of self-blaming comes into play (which i will discuss later in this chapter) that is the main factor why victims stay with their abusers: they are made to believe they are in the wrong, and their abuser is in the right.
and yet, their 'wounded' moments do not cancel the abusive partner out in being an abuser. in fact, it only elevates the fact that manipulation is a tactic used to make the victim stay in the relationship. sometimes, the abuser may not realise they are being abusive or toxic. however, the bottom line remains that they are. and often, they do not change.
PHYSICAL ABUSE. → * . &
in the united states, 2 to 4 million women are physically assaulted by their partners per year. the u.s. surgeon general declared that attacks by male partners were the number one cause of injury to women between the ages of fifteen to forty-four. the american medical association reports that one out of three women will be a victim of domestic violence by a partner at some point in her life. the emotional effects of partner violence are a factor in more than one-fourth of female suicides and are a leading cause of substance abuse in adult women. united states government statistics indicate that 1,500 to 2,000 women are murdered by their partners and ex-partners per year, comprising more than one-third of all female homicide victims, and that these homicides almost always follow a history of violence, threats or stalking.
the above statement was taken from lundy bancroft's book.
the leading cause of non-fatal injuries to women worldwide is domestic abuse.
any kind of physical aggression is immediate abuse, no matter if you're a man or a woman or non-binary, and no matter your partner. men also experience physical abuse from women, and this shouldn't be forgotten. however, it is usually easier for a man to overpower a woman, which is the most common situation for physical abuse.
again, any physical aggression is abuse, but for examples, physical abuse can include:
. & ━ slapping and backhanding .
. & ━ punching .
. & ━ kicking .
. & ━ choking .
. & ━ intimidation and physical aggression .
. & ━ throwing items → these don't necessarily need to make contact with you, they're still being thrown around or at you for intimidation purposes .
. & ━ use of items to physically strike you → plates or vases smashed over you, etc .
. & ━ using restraints such as ropes, chains or ties .
. & ━ throwing you to the ground or pushing you .
. & ━ grabbing your hair .
. & ━ bruising you .
. & ━ gripping your body-parts tightly and forcefully → can include your wrists, hands, face, knee, thigh .
. & ━ spitting .
. & ━ using weaponry → knives, guns, baseball bats, animals like dogs, etc .
. & ━ shaking .
. & ━ breaking bones → fingers, arms, facial bones, legs, etc.
. & ━ drowning .
. & ━ burning and scalding .
. & ━ biting and scratching .
. & ━ poisoning .
. & ━ physical overpowering .
. & ━ forcefully cutting your hair .
. & ━ slicing, stabbing or cutting you .
. & ━ slamming you into the wall or floor .
. & ━ the forced ingestion or consumption of drugs .
. & ━ forcefully dragging you .
results of physical abuse may be:
. & ━ fractures and broken bones → broken bones, if left untreated, are extremely painful and will not heal properly, sometimes leaving deformities and later injuries/pain. any bone in the body can be broken, but the most common from abuse are broken jaws, ankles, and noses. often breaking bones is a sign that a victim may very well be close to being killed by her partner .
. & ━ scratches, gashes, grazes, cuts and punctures → these can sometimes lead to infection if not properly treated .
. & ━ scabs in various stages of healing .
. & ━ losing teeth → an extremely common occurrence for women who experience physical abuse is having their teeth knocked out .
. & ━ bruises .
. & ━ burns or scalds .
. & ━ scarring .
. & ━ torn, bloodied or ruined clothes .
. & ━ concussion .
. & ━ vomiting, sickness, drowsiness → may be caused by a concussion, poisoning, or blows to the head .
. & ━ breathing problems from choking or drowning .
. & ━ injuries that may need hospitalisation
. & ━ swelling .
. & ━ seizures .
. & ━ burst blood vessels .
. & ━ strained, injured or ripped muscles
. & ━ restraint markings .
. & ━ black eyes or split lips .
. & ━ dislocations → women who have experienced physical abuse recall that dislocations of shoulders, elbows, wrists and twisted ankles are some common injuries .
. & ━ neck and head injuries → very common among those experiencing physical abuse .
. & ━ trauma and ptsd (which will be discussed later)
. & ━ death
EMOTIONAL ABUSE. → * . &
when writing abuse, keep note that emotional abuse and manipulation is always a factor. it forces the victim to stay with the partner, despite all the cruelty and violence. also derived from "why does he do that?" come these explanations of the reason why emotional abuse is such a terrible force:
. & → ³
" the scars from mental cruelty can be as deep and long-lasting as wounds from punches or slaps, but are often not as obvious. in fact, even among women who have experienced violence from a partner, half or more report that the man's emotional abuse is what is causing them the greatest harm. "
the signs of emotional abuse i listed above under the general signs of an abusive relationship.
the signs a victim may exhibit while in an emotionally abusive relationship:
. & ━ social isolation or withdrawal → from other people in your life (friends and family) or activities you once enjoyed .
. & ━ depression .
. & ━ fearfulness → perhaps breaking down in tears at the thought of drawing your abuser's anger to you .
. & ━ anxiety → sometimes including panic attacks and ptsd .
. & ━ struggling to make your own decisions .
. & ━ feeling out of control of your own life .
. & ━ feeling like you're crazy .
. & ━ damaged self-esteem .
. & ━ timidness .
. & ━ feeling hopeless .
. & ━ self-hatred .
. & ━ sudden changes in behaviour or speech .
. & ━ shame and guilt .
. & ━ feeling of powerlessness .
. & ━ compliance to the abuser .
. & ━ stress → physical symptoms such as headaches, backaches, neck pain and nausea may arise .
. & ━ a decrease in performance and motivation .
. & ━ distrust → "no one can be trusted". due to this, the victim may avoid reaching out to others for help due to fear, and it is difficult to break the cycle of abuse .
. & ━ sleep disorders → chronic insomnia, excessive sleep, or intense nightmares. these phenomena can become long-term disorders if help is not sought and they are not treated .
. & ━ suicidal thoughts .
. & ━ stockholm syndrome → a condition where the victim of abuse feels a bond with the abuser; worshipping him or her, and a bizarre agreement with the abuser's goals to dominate and control. stockholm syndrome can be perplexing to those who don't understand the damage that emotional abuse is capable of inflicting. the victim may resort to defending the actions of the abuser and become distressed when a third party tries to interfere and stop the abuse .
. & ━ increased vulnerability → particularly at the end of the relationship .
. & ━ constantly seeking the other person's validation .
. & ━ feeling unworthy, worthless, not good enough .
. & ━ needing to walk on eggshells around everything you say and do .
. & ━ afraid to bring things up because you're afraid of how the other person will react .
. & ━ believing what the abuser tells you → that you are incompetent, worthless, ugly, a bad parent, that no one could love you .
. & ━ love begins to hurt .
. & ━ dreading visitors to your home shared with your abusive partner → worrying that visitors may realise something is wrong. embarrassment .
. & ━ putting on or losing weight .
. & ━ confusion .
. & ━ racing heartbeat .
. & ━ difficulty concentrating .
. & ━ moodiness .
. & ━ muscle tension .
a woman recounting her emotionally abusive relationship states:
. & → ⁴
" being in an emotionally abusive relationship feels like being sucker-punched, then looking around for the one you love to help you get up but discovering he was the one who made you hit the ground in the first place. it's a relationship of surprises, of trick doors and funhouse mirrors, in a circus that you don't remember buying a ticket to but then waking up inside of one day and realizing the one you love is the ringmaster. "
she retells her experiences with emotional abuse and its effects:
. & → ⁵
" my mind struggled to keep up, which then forced my body to maintain a "fight or flight" state of being. and while this method may have worked for cavemen, being in this constant mode of hyper-vigilance, one that had begun to interrupt my sleep as well, soon took a devastating toll.
the mirror in my bathroom held not the only reflection of a woman who was broken, but a woman who had been pushed to a place where reality was skewed and feeling crazy was the norm. when i used to stare deep into the pools of my eyes looking for signs of life, i didn't correlate the ever-present unrest growing within my heart and soul with the need to always know where a bathroom was. i completely separated the two, which was easy since he — the man i loved beyond measure — always assured me that my physical problems were due to my weak stomach, which wasn't strong like his. of course, i couldn't argue. my entire body felt weak, though i didn't share that piece of information with him. nor did i wake him up anymore in the middle of the night as i lay on the floor by the toilet for hours, drifting in and out of sleep, since i couldn't bear to hear "see, i told you" one more time.
... i had two major panic attacks that sent me to the ER — one in an ambulance, which later caused even more grief when the bill came and i had to endure his criticism for my lack of financial responsibility. for the second attack i drove myself to the hospital and told him please don't come since i wanted to talk to the doctor alone. but he was there when i arrived, and stayed through all the tests, and spoke for me when the doctor came in to tell me all my vitals were good and there wasn't anything wrong with me. so it's all in her head? he asked the doc. they spoke over me as if i weren't even there. well i don't see anything that would cause alarm, the doctor said. afterward i prepared for another lecture, deciding that the next time i'd rather risk death than share how i was feeling with him.
since i had no knowledge about panic/anxiety attacks and i thought only crazy women had those, i then concluded: i was crazy. it must have been all in my head, even on those occasions when i would have sworn i was having a heart attack: the sharp pain would rocket through my shoulders, my toes would go numb and my hands tingled, i would become dizzy and was sure i'd throw up. and even though i had been trained and certified as a holistic health counselor, even though i didn't have any kind of heart disease in my family history, even though i exercised daily and watched what i ate, in that moment i was sure the news headline the next day would read "healthy 42-year-old woman dead of massive heart attack."
.... day after day my soul was eroding in trying to keep standing in the presence of someone who i thought loved me and yet continued to create pain, with each little action another knife picking at an already open wound: like when he gave me the silent treatment and ignored me for days, or when he approached me with charm that turned to cruelty when i didn't give him what he wanted, when i caught him in another lie or found him flirting with another woman, when he used what i had told him in private against me, when he threw me under another bus with our friends or people we knew, when he made himself the hero and me the bad guy with our own children, when he stood over me while i lay in a heap of tears on the floor and used that very moment to verbally kick me while i was down, and then when he knew i couldn't take anymore and would suddenly shift into a sweet and caring man who loved me so much he could kill me and how could i not see how lucky i was?
i used to wish that with every word that left his mouth, or every time he walked around me as though i weren't a human being but a piece of furniture, he would hit me instead so that i could look in the mirror and prove see! there's a bruise! there's a black eye! in order to validate my suffering. lacking any signs of physical abuse, however, i was left with no other choice than to beg.
first, i begged him: please leave me. i don't have the strength to go. please, please leave. this didn't work so then i turned my begging toward the universe, usually around the time that i was hiding in my bedroom closet again so the kids wouldn't hear me cry. please send me a sign. i'll take anything, throw a big one, hurl it at me i don't care. i'm begging for help! "
SELF-BLAME. → * . &
sadly, many victims of abuse place the blame on themselves, or fail to see that the relationship is abusive. this, much of the time, lasts until the victim sees the truth and manages to get themselves out of the relationship (or stays stuck in it) and often takes a while (up to years). this is where the view of 'i can change them' comes into play, and why that idea should never be romanticised.
victims tend to believe they are in the wrong, a lot of the time as it's what their partner tells them and ingrains into their mind. it's always their fault, they're angering their partner and bringing it on themselves. therefore, in their eyes, their partner isn't abusive or doing anything wrong. it's them.
. & → ⁶
" but the woman also sees that her partner is a human being who can be caring and affectionate at times, and she loves him. she wants to figure out why he gets so upset, so that she can help him break his pattern of ups and downs. "
of course, if your character is going to escape an abusive relationship, there must be a kind of revelation. it may happen slowly like in many cases, or could be a sudden epiphany. perhaps it was discovered by researching the internet, or books. sometimes, it may be brought up or explained by an outside force (a parent, sibling, doctor, therapist or friend). whatever that may be, even if in the past, there was a moment where your character realised that abuse was what was occuring. again, processing this will probably take a long time for your character. it's hard to swallow when you've believed the entire time it's your fault.
leaving such relationships is harder. leaving abusive relationships can also statistically end in violent or terrible ways, hence why victims may feel conflicted to leave. stalking, murder, and repeated abuse even once a victim thought they have escaped the abuser can often occur. the victim may also feel that they are better off just staying with the abuser. if they try to leave, their partner may tell them this also.
i won't talk about leaving abusive relationships in their entirety here because i'm unsure how best to do it safely and your own research is probably best for that (if needed) but it's important to understand that for victims it's hard. especially if they've been in the relationship and endured the abuse for a long time. and of course, terrible trauma comes after it.
THE VOICES OF VICTIMS. → * . &
as i mentioned earlier, listening to the voices of victims of abuse and their experiences is important to shape those of your characters and understand the different situations that may arise. these will likely be how your characters experiencing abuse will think or feel. the following recounts are from "why does he do that?":
. & → ⁷
" ' he's two different people. i feel like i'm living with dr. jekyll and mr. hyde. '
' he really doesn't mean to hurt me. he just loses control. '
' everyone else thinks he's great. i don't know what it is about me that sets him off. '
' he's fine when he's sober. but when he's drunk, watch out. '
' i feel like he's never happy with anything i do. '
' he's scared me a few times, but he never touches the children. he's a great father. '
' he calls me disgusting names, and then an hour later he wants sex. i don't get it. '
' he messes up my mind sometimes. '
' the thing is, he really understands me. '
' why does he do that? '
the next few examples are sourced from the same book, but are more specific recounts from women in similar situations (i know this only references women, but that is what the book is about, the same goes for men), and the questions they had about their situation:
. & → ⁸
" ' he would say that i talk on and on and that i'm self-centered. maybe i am — it's true that i talk a lot. but earlier it had seemed like he couldn't hear enough about me. he started to say that i wasn't doing anything with my life. i know he has big ambitions, and maybe he's right that i should be more that way, but i'm happy with what i have. and then it was my weight. it started to seem like all the time he was saying that i needed to work out more, that i wasn't watching what i ate. that hurt the most, to tell you the truth. ... we're still together, but i have a feeling he's going to leave me. i just can't seem to live up to what he needs. i'm trying, but he doesn't think so. and now, when he's really angry or frustrated, he says things that cut me down. a few days ago he said, "you're a lazy bitch, just looking for a man to live off of like your mother." i don't get that; i've contributed a lot.
... sometimes, for a few days he seems like the guy i fell in love with, and i get hopeful, but then he slips away again into being so unhappy with me. i set him off somehow, but i don't know what i'm doing wrong. '
what had happened to the man she had loved so much? why was he always putting her down? what could she do to stop his explosions? why did he think she was the one who had changed? "
. & → ⁹
" ' a few days ago we went to a birthday party for a friend of his, and i had this great conversation with his friend's brother. it was nothing but talking — i mean, the guy isn't even cute. well, suddenly fran [her husband] was saying that we had to go home because he had a bad headache.
on the drive home, it turned out the real reason was jealousy. he started yelling at me, saying he was sick of me humiliating him in front of other people, "strutting your stuff", and on and on. he was pounding his fist on the dashboard, and two or three times he shoved me up against the car door. each time that i told him it wasn't true he would go through the roof, so i stopped saying that. our children were sitting in the back seat; it scared the daylights out of them.
at my age, it's hard to think about leaving him. starting all over now seems so hard. i just wish he would get some help. '
... why couldn't fran trust her, and why was he isolating her from other people? why couldn't he see that he had a problem, and get help? was he going to hurt her badly someday?
would her life ever get better? "
if you want to read more about the topic of domestic abuse and the experience of women, i would recommend the book. i'll put an epub link to download the non-fiction book "why does he do that?" at the end of this chapter, under my resources tab. it helps to identify an abuser and explains how to escape from an abusive relationship.
THE AFTERMATH AND TRAUMA. → * . &
trauma is a part of abuse that cannot be ignored. if you're going to write a character undergoing or having undergone abuse, there will be long-lasting repercussions of trauma and even ptsd that will follow, no matter the strength or drive of your character. your character can be extremely strong mentally and emotionally, yet the trauma of abuse will still affect them. healing takes time, and this should be held in account when writing characters experiencing abuse. it isn't just over with the click of your fingers; it isn't over just because a love interest comes into play.
and remember, that trauma from abuse can come from any situation. a romantic partner, a sibling, a parent, another family member, a person in an authoritative role (for example, soldiers or laboratory scientists if your character is a child experiment), a teacher, a kidnapper. as i said, while this chapter focuses on romantic relationships, the red flags, signs and situations in this chapter can mostly be applied to any situation of abuse.
aftermath of abuse and emotional manipulation:
. & ━ ptsd (specifically, c-ptsd) → flashbacks when triggered (reliving the trauma), angry outbursts (hyperarousal), being easily startled, negative thoughts, insomnia, nightmares, jittery, always looking out for danger, experiencing physical symptoms such as a rapid heartbeat .
. & ━ mental illnesses → depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts or behaviours, eating disorders .
. & ━ further fears of abandonment .
. & ━ social withdrawal and isolation .
. & ━ avoidance of situation or people that are reminiscent of the abuser .
. & ━ difficulty sleeping .
. & ━ avoidance of touch or human contact .
. & ━ difficulty focusing on the present or trouble concentrating .
. & ━ stress-related physical problems. migraines, fatigue, digestive problems .
. & ━ developing negative coping mechanisms → dissociation, addictions, "deadness" .
. & ━ loss of sense of self and sense of personal value .
. & ━ loss of ability to trust your feelings or intuition .
. & ━ avoidant behaviour .
. & ━ the world may seem a dangerous place where no one can be trusted .
. & ━ easily triggered .
. & ━ feeling as if you've "gone crazy" .
. & ━ emotionally numb .
. & ━ panicky, jumpy and alert → "fight or flight" mode constantly activated .
. & ━ fearing people and relationships .
. & ━ may grow up expecting that others will hurt you → have issues developing trust .
. & ━ may trust too easily and have difficulty judging who's safe → as a result of abuse, you may have learned to hand over your trust too quickly and easily .
. & ━ many symptoms that may arise when in an emotionally abusive relationship will still occur even once out of that relationship .
as you see, many of these symptoms contradict each other, as for every victim the experience is different. it depends on the victim, the abuser, the situation, and the coping mechanisms they develop. not every victim will process trauma the same.
trauma can take an incredibly long time to overcome, and in some cases it will always linger. healing from this is difficult, and there will be moments of relapse or slipping back.
healing from trauma (this isn't a guide for yourself, just some examples that may assist in a character recovering from trauma. if you yourself are experiencing trauma, seek professional help):
. & ━ acknowledge the abuse → not thinking about it will not make it go away or heal. it is only when trauma is openly acknowledged that the healing process can begin .
. & ━ therapy .
. & ━ physical activity → daily walks, martial arts, swimming, aerobics, dance. can help sleep and reduces risk of depression .
. & ━ reach out for support → from trusted friends and family who will listen without judgement .
. & ━ get social → call an old friend, hang out with friends, accept invitations despite instincts to stay home, join a club or a class to meet new people. combats social isolation .
. & ━ watch your diet → abusive relationships can leave you eating too little or too much of the wrong foods. try to eat healthy well-balanced meals, avoid bingeing or skipping meals .
. & ━ make rest a priority .
. & ━ remind yourself that you're not being dramatic, exaggerative, out of line, or imaginative → do not put yourself down. your trauma is valid .
. & ━ implement self-care into your daily life .
. & ━ write in a journal .
THE EFFECT OF ABUSE ON CHILDREN. → * . &
experts estimate that 5 million children per year witness an assault on their mothers, an experience that often leaves them traumatized. children exposed to violence at home show higher rates of school behaviour and attentive problems. aggression, substance abuse, depression, and many other measures of childhood distress. children will deal with the trauma of abuse differently, but i might discuss that in a later chapter.
RESOURCES. → * . &
why does he do that?: inside the minds of angry and controlling men , lundy bancroft . & → sources 1 , 2 , 3 , 6 , 7 , 8 , 9 . a non-fiction book in which " a counselor who specialises in working with abusive men uses his knowledge about how abusers think to help women recognize when they are being controlled or devalued, and to find ways to get free of an abusive relationship . " informative about : the early warning signs of abuse ; the nature of abusive thinking ; myths about abusers ; ten abusive personality types ; the roles of drugs and alcohol ; what you can fix and what you can't ; & how to get out of an abusive relationship safely. very helpful for both writing and personal purposes , i would recommend it !
. & → free pdf / epub : https://www.pdf-archive.com/2016/07/02/why-does-he-do-that/
i wanted him to hit me instead: the physical trauma of emotional abuse , suzanna quintana . & → sources 4 , 5 . a recount of emotional abuse .
. & → article : https://medium.com/@SuzannaQuintana/i-wanted-him-to-hit-me-instead-the-physical-trauma-of-emotional-abuse-8cc9653542d6