c h r i s t i a n .
I was speechless. My sweet Nadia was in pain, and we lost our baby. I didn't really know how to react. All I could do was cry and just think of what ifs and go over in my head what I could've done that could've prevented this. I know there wasn't much, if anything, but, I felt like this was my fault. I could've helped her more. But, I didn't.
After crying in my arms for a good hour, Nadia was finally asleep and I just held her close to me, rubbing her back to assure her that everything was going to be okay. I couldn't even begin to imagine what she was feeling right now... My poor, beautiful wife was hurting, and I couldn't do much if anything.
My phone was blowing up with texts and missed calls from my family and Nadia's family. I didn't want to talk to anyone, but, it felt right to tell her mom and my mom as well. Even though they didn't know about the pregnancy prior to this, I knew they needed to know about this. I didn't break the horrible news to any of our friends, yet. They didn't need to know, even if they were my best friends, I just couldn't bring myself to tell them.
I received a call, seeing it was my moms name on the caller ID, so I had to answer. "Hi, mom..."
"Hi, honey...How is she?"
I sigh, "She's hurt, but she's sleeping now. They're keeping her overnight just to monitor her and then they'll let me take her home in the morning, early afternoon.." I tell her, taking a deep breath.
"And how are you feeling?" She asked me the dreaded question.
"Honestly? I don't know. It's a mix of emotions. Part of me wants to scream and throw shit all around and at the same time, I wanna cry. I left her alone for twenty minutes earlier to text you and her mom to let you both know, and I just cried," I felt the tears well up again, "I wish there was something I could've done, mom..." My voice cracked, "We were so excited..."
"I know, hon, I know... But, there wasn't anything you could've done, C. She didn't expect it nor did you, it just happens like that sometimes." She told me, I nodded as I listened, "You're hurting and that's okay. It's okay to grieve and take your time to process this. You two don't deserve this whatsoever and I feel horrible knowing it happened." She said, I looked at Nadia who was still sound asleep.
"We were talking about doing a little weekend trip before we went to bed tonight and we wake up in the middle of the night to find out our baby is gone.." I say, fighting back tears again, "It's the shittiest feeling ever. Especially when we both were so excited to finally have another one and we were so excited for Wyatt to be a big brother..."
"It's going to take some time to process, babe. You take all the time you need, it's going to hurt, and that's okay. Allow your body to go through the grieving process. Allow your mind and thoughts to grieve. You help out Nadia as well, because she is going to take it really hard... I know how it feels. I had a miscarriage between Collin and Cameron, I was devastated, and it took me a while to accept it.."
This was the first time I was hearing about this from my mom, "You miscarried? What happened?"
"They didn't know. I just woke up in pain and I was a little over three months along already so it was strange that I was miscarrying. But, I remember just feeling so horrible because I had told you and Collin that you were gonna be big brothers, and it never happened.." She told me, and I just sat there, speechless.
"I..I am sorry, mom.." Was all I could get out.
"Like I said, hon, it happens. Sometimes our bodies think they're ready to carry another baby, but then decide against us. There's really nothing we can do about it. I just want you to make sure that Nadia remains positive. We don't need her falling into a depression and locking herself away from everyone. It's going to be okay.." She tells me, "I am always here for you, no matter what time of the night or day, I am always a phone call or text away for you, babe."
I nod, "Thank you, mom..."
"No need to thank me. Now, you get some rest too. You need it. It's been a long night for you as well, I'll talk to you after you get some sleep."
"I love you." I tell her, wiping under my eyes.
"I love you so much, C. Tell Nadia I love her too, and that I'll give her a call when she's ready.."
"Okay, mom. I'll talk to you later. Love you, bye.." I say before hanging up and set my phone on the table next to the bed. I look at Nadia, who hasn't moved in the last hour and just tear up again. God, I was a horrible husband.
****
When we got home, Nadia barely said a word. The car ride home was pretty quiet, only the sound of the radio playing in the background. Other than that, it wasn't really a chatty car ride. I still felt like shit; I didn't really know what to say to her, and I didn't want to say anything that could possibly upset her. I was torn, honestly. I just wanted to make sure she was okay.
Aspen was on the couch drinking coffee and watching TV when we both walked in. She got up, going to hug Nadia. Nadia just took a deep breath, hugging her back. I sighed, looking at the two,
"Thank you for staying over last night.." I tell her, noticing how Wyatt was still in bed. Hopefully he didn't wake up and notice we were gone..
Aspen nodded, "Of course, I wish I could help.." She said as she rubbed Nadia's back and Nadia went into the bedroom, closing the door behind her. "Has she really talked at all?"
I shook my head, "No...The car ride was really quiet and awkward. I didn't really know what to say to her. I didn't want to say something that could potentially upset her, y'know?" I asked, she nodded, "I feel like shit. I feel like I could've done something, you know? I feel like I could've helped her more, or something.."
"I mean, there's nothing really you can do with miscarriages...I am sure just being there for her is more meaningful than you know, C." Aspen told me, "I know you are feeling crummy, but, just being there for her probably means the world to her. She's going to be bummy the next couple of days, especially with something like this." She put her hand on my shoulder, "I am always a phone call away too if you guys need anything. I seriously have no problem coming over."
"Thank you, Aspen." I say before hugging her, "Really means a lot.." I rub her back and pull away from the hug, "I'll let you go home now, I'm gonna go check on her and see if she's okay.."
Aspen nodded, smiling, "No problem at all, seriously. Let me know if you need anything." She left a couple of minutes later and I poked my head into Wyatt's room to notice he was still sleeping before walking into my bedroom and saw that Nadia was sitting up in bed, blankets pulled over her legs but she was hugging her knees.
"Hey.." I said, sitting down by her feet, "How do you feel?"
Nadia stayed quiet for a second and then looked at me, "Do you want my honest answer?" She spoke up, and I nodded. "I feel like absolute shit. I feel like a failure." She teared up, her voice audibly sad, "I know there wasn't anything I could've done to prevent the miscarriage, but I feel like there could've been something that I could've done.." She sniffled, wiping under her eyes,
"The last thing I wanted was to lose the baby, I just wanted to be a good momma to two kids, and I can't even have that.." She said before crying again. I moved and pulled her into my lap, holding her close to me as she cried.
"Babe, you are the most amazing mother to Wyatt, don't ever doubt yourself with that, okay? You are so strong, so brave, so caring, and yeah this is a setback, and it hurts the both of us, but, maybe right now wasn't the time to have a baby.." I say, frowning, "I have been feeling horrible because I don't know really what to do or say to help you.." I sigh,
"I feel like there could've been something I could've done beforehand. But, there wasn't...And that's what's eating me alive."
Nadia sniffled, looking up at me, "You being here has helped a lot, seriously.." She wiped under my eyes, "There wasn't anything you or I could've done, it just happened.." She told me as I nodded, rubbing her back. "It's going to take me a while to process everything and I might not be cheery and happy the next couple of days, but, I am going to be okay.."
I kiss her head, softly. "I love you very much, Nads.."
"And I love you...Thank you, baby.."
I nod, rubbing her side, "You should try and get some rest.."
Nadia looked up at me, "Have you slept at all?" I shook my head, answering her question, "Why don't you try sleeping? You need rest too, babe.." She said and I just shrugged, "Baby, you need to rest..."
"I know, just haven't been sleeping. I would rather make sure you're okay.." I sighed, laying my head down, "You're my top priority."
"Okay, and you're mine. I want you to rest..." She told me and put her hand on my cheek, "I don't want you being overworked or overtired..."
"I'm gonna be fine, I want you to sleep." I told her, pulling the blanket up. "Maybe I'll fall asleep.."
She just sighed and nodded, "Okay...Wake me up if you need anything.."
"I'll be fine, beautiful," I say before kissing her lips gently. "I love you,"
"I love you too, so much..." She said as she kissed me again and cuddled against my chest before she eventually fell asleep again.
She needed the rest, I didn't.