(A/N) FOR SOME REASON THIS CHAPTER SAYS IT'S 52 PAGES LONG BUT IT'S NOT THAT LONG. IT'S ONLY 6,000 WORDS AND MY 11 PAGE LONG CHAPTERS ARE USUALLY 8,000 WORDS SO THIS IS SHORTER THAN THOSE EVEN. THE SPACING JUST SCREWED UP SOMEHOW SO IGNORE THAT. IT'S ACTUALLY A VERY SHORT CHAPTER IN COMPARISON TO PREVIOUS ONES.
Tbh I have no idea what hurts more, reading this chapter or writing it. They were equally hard. But some things get cleared up even though they get messed up more first.
This chapter is dedicated to anyone who has ever been depressed and had those 'voices' in their heads. I think we've all been there at one point.
*gives 18 boxes of tissues*
So sorry.
Emily's POV:
"Dude, the pizza is going to be here any minute. Are you gonna wake up or what?" I poked Katie in the side. She fell asleep on the couch. Again.
Oh yeah, so we made it to the apartment with the car my mom left for us. A day had passed. Katie's parents were coming back today so who knows what's going to happen now. I bet she'll go back home to see him and I'll be alone here. I'm not really afraid. I'm not scared of anyone coming here. I'm not even lonely I guess. But still, I just...don't want her to leave...
"What time is it?" Katie mumbled in a way that no one would be able to make out what she was saying unless you're like me and you've known her forever.
"It's 2pm."
"Ugh, I still haven't recovered from all that. I just want to go back to sleep for another month." She groaned and rolled over.
The doorbell rang and I stood up off the couch and walked to the door. "Oh..." I opened the door, expecting a sweaty pizza delivery guy but instead was greeted with a female police officer. "Is there something wrong?" Katie immediately hopped off the couch and joined me at the door after I said that.
"Are you Miss Emily Manon?" She asked and I nodded. "I'm Officer Grisby, you met Sheriff Barns from the Las Vegas precinct already. He asked me to bring this over." She handed me my phone. I forgot about my phone. How is that even possible. "And he wanted me to tell you that Eugene still hasn't been found but Mr. Manon was released from custody due to lack of evidence."
"Lack of evidence?!" Katie shouted behind me.
"Are these scars not enough evidence?" I pointed to the back of my neck and turned so she could see it.
"I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do."
"God, whatever..." I turned away and was about to close the door when Katie stopped me.
"What about Mrs. Manon? Has she been released?" Katie asked. I'd stupidly forgotten to ask that.
Officer Grisby looked down and sighed. "I'm...sorry she was checked into a rehab center for a mental evaluation."
"Mental evaluation?!" I shouted yet again.
"Is this a joke?" Katie added onto my surprise.
"I'm afraid not. Sheriff Barns said her mental state was too unstable to be sent home. She was hysterical and... I don't think Sheriff Barns believes that Mr. Manon actually did anything to anyone. He seems to think Mrs. Manon invented the whole thing."
"Jesus, this has got to be a joke." I walked away from the door and sat down on the couch.
"T-thank you, officer." Katie said and closed the door before joining me on the couch. "Em, I'm sorry. I can't believe they think she's crazy."
"She's not crazy, Kate. You know she isn't, don't you?"
"Of course I do. I wouldn't have gone to Vegas with her if she was crazy. Hell, if she's crazy then I'm crazy too." Katie smiled at me.
"I don't know how you can always be so positive." I sighed and she gave me a hug.
"I just know everything will be fine. At least she's safe from him in the hospital, right?"
I nodded. "That's true. What about us though? Are we safe?"
Katie didn't answer. She just stared at me blankly.
The doorbell rang again. Katie and I looked at each other. "Pizza." We said simultaneously. Katie stood up and walked over to the door.
I didn't expect what would happen next.
"Katie! Are you out of your mind?!" Katie's mom was standing there and her along with Katie's father pushed passed Katie and into the room.
"Mom! Couldn't you call? I said I was fine, you didn't have to..."
"What's wrong with you! Do you have any idea how dangerous what you're doing is?"
"I'm just trying to help Emily I didn't..."
"And you!" Katie's mom marched over to where I was sitting on the couch. "Listen here you bitch, I told you and your family to stay away from my daughter. I don't want you filling her head with thoughts like these. You're the reason she's acting insane."
"I didn't make her come here, she wanted to." I defended myself while Katie stood beside me.
"I cannot believe you continued seeing Emily after I forbid you from it, Katie." Katie's mom scolded her and she looked down in guilt.
"How did you find out?" Katie asked.
"I searched your name on Google! There was pictures of you in your father's car going to Vegas! I don't know what's gotten into you lately, you've never been this way. And what about that boy? There's people saying you had sex with him in a bar? Who even are you Katie?"
"I didn't have sex in a bar! How could you believe that?"
"Well you've done some pretty unbelievable things lately! I can't believe it, I know I raised you better than this."
"You raised me great, I know how to handle things now. You have to let me go and learn more though. You can't just..."
"No, you listen here. You can't steal a car and get away with it. And what about that boy? Louis? Where does he fit into all this? He's clearly just as bad for you as Emily is. He took you to a bar and tried to rape you."
"That's now what happened at all! You don't even ask me me how things really went down. You just make your own conclusions."
"Well, it's no wonder he left you. You're more unstable than Emily's mother."
"Hey! You have no right to say that." I shouted, unsure of what else to say.
"Now you come home with us right now." Katie's mom reached for her daughter's sleeve but Katie pulled away which I was proud of her for.
"I'm sorry, you knew this day was coming, mom." Katie crossed her arms. "I can't be a little girl anymore. I always said someday I'd have to grow up and Emily and I were going to get a place..."
"But I forbid you from being with her!"
"But if I move out that's irrelevant?"
Katie's dad finally spoke up. He was super quiet always. "It's not irrelevant if you want to be part of this family!"
"Are you threatening to disown me if I don't come home with you?"
"Yes!"
"That's ridiculous." I mumbled.
"You shut your mouth! This is all your fault!" Katie's mother pointed at me with a shaky finger. "You ruined my daughter! You made her think she could be some hero!" She turned from me and looked back at Katie. "You can't just take a drive to Vegas to save your friend who is ruining your life."
"She's not ruining my life! If anyone is ruining my life it'd be you!"
I stood back and Katie's mom literally punched her daughter. My mouth dropped open. I couldn't believe it.
Neither of them said anything.
"Is there really something wrong with you? Is this what happens when you don't get what you want?" Katie said quietly. "And you really think I want to come back with you now?" Katie's mother was speechless. She definitely stunned herself by what she just did to her daughter.
"I'm calling the police, you're out of control, Katie. No daughter of mine embarasses our family like this."
"All you both care about is your image." Katie was actually crying now. I reached for her but she pulled away. Her dad was seriously getting out his phone to call the police. "Call all you want, I won't be here when they arrive." Katie stormed out of the room with a bag of the few things she brought with her and her parents followed her out. I locked the door behind them. I didn't want them coming back in. Not that they would have anyway, I was treated as if I had some kind of disease.
Where is Katie going? Is she really leaving me? And them?
God, she better not do anything stupid.
Katie's POV:
I finally lost them and I'd been hiding in an alley behind a trash can for almost an hour. The sun was going down and it was getting cold. I couldn't go back to Emily's place. I couldn't go back to my parents. Where do I go?
$100.
I have $100 in my pocket. Make it last, Katie.
Your parents hate you.
You let them down.
You let everyone down.
After what you did with Louis and Ashton everyone hates you.
Everyone will always hate you.
Where are these voices coming from...why won't they stop...
You're trash.
You'll never be anything.
How can you be when you only screw everything up.
Everyone is better without you.
I couldn't stop crying. I can't believe I've let myself fall back into the same depressing hole I fell into years ago when I used to cut.
God, I wish I could cut right now. That used to make me feel better.
I looked around the trash for something sharp.
No. Stop that right now, Katie. Don't listen to yourself. Just pick yourself up and get out of this ally.
You don't have to hurt yourself. You haven't in years. Don't break your good habit.
I walked out of the ally but I have no idea how I managed that when I can barely feel my legs to walk. I just felt numb everywhere.
"Are you crying, ma'am?" A girl around my age sitting on a bench asked me. There's a bench...and a park...and a little cafe.
Maybe this is all a dream. It sort of feels like one.
"I'm fine." I said.
"I know you're not. What's going on?" She gestured for me to walk over to her and so I did. "Oh my God. Are you Katie? You look like Katie!"
"Yeah? Do I know you?" I squinted at her. She didn't look familiar.
"You're that girl from the bar that dumped Louis! You're the reason he..."
I just started running in the opposite direction and blocked out whatever she was about to say.
I cannot believe that everywhere I go I'm going to be associated like this.
And everyone has their own take on the story. No one even knows what happened.
It's going to be like this forever.
Because you messed up.
It's your fault.
You messed up everything.
You always do.
You always will.
Just go on Katie, keep ruining people's lives.
I don't even know where I am. Seriously, where am I?
This is out of control. I can't take this.
I walked into the first building I saw which was a motel. I need to lay down. I needed to rest.
I walked up to the man in a Hawaiian shirt behind the counter.
"How much are your rooms?" I asked him.
"Cheapest is $60 per night."
"Fine. Whatever." I started pulling money out of my pocket. I don't even know how much it was but he took it. He typed some things in his computer and handed me a key.
"Your room is in the attached building on the south side." Great. I have to walk outside again.
I walked outside and there were two girls sitting on the hood of a car staring at me.
They all know.
They know you're a horrible person.
You should be ashamed.
Look at the way they're staring at you.
How can you live with yourself.
I can't. I really can't.
I walked to building of rooms and read the numbers until I found mine. There was a couple just a few feet away making out against a car. Gross.
I jiggled the handle and I saw a shadow sneak up behind me.
"Hey, do you have the time?" A guy asked me.
He's wearing a fucking watch.
Jesus, this is a bad part of town.
I didn't look at him again. I ran into my room and slammed the door shut. I collapsed on the floor and leaned against the door. I completely broke down.
You should have let him do whatever he wanted to you.
Then maybe you could feel better about yourself.
Because you deserve nothing.
That's the kind of relationship you deserve.
You could never have a real relationship.
Who would ever love you.
You don't even love yourself.
But how could you when you're so awful.
Louis never loved you.
Emily doesn't love you either.
She just needs you for now.
As soon as she finds someone, you'll be dirt.
I couldn't stop crying. I finally looked up and saw the filthy room. You're really getting what you pay for here. It hadn't even been cleaned since the last customer stayed here. I stumbled over to the kitchen area and leaned over the sink. I splashed cold water on my face, desperately hoping to make the dark thoughts go away but it didn't make a difference. Everything still looked the same. Black and red.
"I'm sorry, Em. I'm so sorry." I said underneath my breath and masked by my tears dripping into the sink. I saw a broken plate in the sink and picked up a piece.
You'll feel better if you do it.
Just one cut.
See how you feel.
It'll make all the pain go away.
One.
Two.
Three.
"It hurts too much, I can't do another..." I said as I looked at the blood dripping from my arm. God, who am I even talking to...
Just one more.
"No."
Do it.
"I said I can't! I fucking can't!"
What would it feel like if you cut your throat with it?
I raised the piece of glass to my throat. My hand was too shaky to do it though. I dropped it.
Pick it up.
"Shut up." I said. My phone buzzed. Low battery.
My wrist was burning. I wanted to wipe up some of the blood but I kind of liked the burning.
That's right, because it's all you deserve.
I need to talk to someone. Anyone. Anything to get these voices out of my head before I can't control them anymore.
Ashton was the first contact that pulled up for some reason.
Fine then.
"Me: Are you busy?"
"Ash: Sorry, maybe we can talk later?"
Of course he doesn't want to talk to you.
No one does.
You're just inconveniencing everyone.
No one cares about your stupid problems.
I had a few notifications on Twitter.
"Hey katie hru?"
"Slut"
"Why are you in vegas? another man there?"
I'm deactivating. I should have done that ages ago.
Emily's POV:
Finally found that stupid phone charger. Of course my phone was dead after being without it all these days.
I powered it on and sat against the wall where it was plugged in.
Notifications started pouring in.
I mentally blocked them all out except one.
Katie tweeted.
"@QueenKatieD: For anyone who liked me and Emily thank you so much"
"@QueenKatieD: For everyone else...you win."
"@QueenKatieD: No one cares about the truth. Everyone believes what they want."
"@QueenKatieD: No matter how much it hurts others, as long as you guys are happy."
"@QueenKatieD: See you all on the dark side where everything hurts less"
My heart stopped and I started shaking. I knew she was going to do something stupid, I knew it.
"Me: @QueenKatieD What are you talking about? :("
"@QueenKatieD: They keep saying it'll be better."
"Me: @QueenKatieD who?"
"@QueenKatieD The voices. They know me better than anyone else."
"@QueenKatieD: They know it's time."
"Me: @QueenKatieD Come back here, it's alright, you don't have to feel this way."
"Me: @QueenKatieD, please I love you"
"Error: Unable to reply to user; user not found"
She deactivated. Shit.
Stupid ass Twitter, I can call her.
"This number has been blocked on your network"
Her parents blocked my number I bet. They still have control of her account.
Where are you, Katie...
What about that stupid app, I can find out where she is.
"User not found"
She uninstalled the app.
She doesn't want to be found.
No, I can't let this happen. She saved me, how can I not be able to save her? There's got to be something I can do. Something...
I couldn't think of anything to do. Fuck. I punched the wall and hurt my hand so much that I kneeled over on the floor in pain.
Who has her phone number.
Sasha. Angel. Anyone.
All three of them, won't answer their phones. This is insane.
Niall.
Niall has her number.
Please answer your phone, Niall.
Niall's POV:
"I have a question. When was the last time anyone heard from Louis?" I looked over at Liam and Harry who were sitting on the couch across from me. We've been so boring lately. We just sat around watching TV. Except Zayn who was trying to write a song at the moment.
"I think it's been about 2 days since I saw him." Harry said.
"He came out of his room this morning to get a sandwich but he didn't say anything." Liam added.
So Louis thought he had this great idea. He was going to send Katie something and then she'd call him and forgive him...blah blah blah...anyway it never happened. None of us have heard from her. Louis was excited for about 2 days after he sent whatever it was to her. When he realized she must have gotten it he sunk back into his depression and locked himself in his room. We've run out of things to say to him. Lottie has come over. His mum has come over. Simon even tried calling over here. He refuses to speak to anyone. We've run out of things to say to him. We're just going to wait it out now.
"Has anyone talked to Katie recently?" I asked. Both the boys shrugged. "Maybe I should call Emily."
"Maybe I should call Sasha again..." Harry said quietly.
Liam sighed and rubbed his face with his hand. "Harry, please, you've been trying all week. You need to let it go. She's over you."
Just as I pulled out my phone it began to ring. Emily. Wow, we're really on the same wavelenght.
I hushed the bickering boys next to me before answering the phone. "Hey, Emily! I was just thinkin' about callin' you to see if..."
"Niall, please, I don't have time." She started crying hysterically.
"What's wrong? Are you alright?" I asked and Harry and Liam suddenly became concerned over my phone call.
"Something is wrong with Katie and I can't call her. I'm blocked from her phone."
"Why would she block you? Is she mad at you?"
"No!" Emily shouted at me. I shouldn't have said that. "It's her parents, they blocked me."
"What about Twitter?"
"She deactivated."
"Alright, calm down. Take a deep breathe, sweetie."I instructed her and her panicked breathing began to sound more normal. "Now tell me what happened?"
"She made these tweets, they were so depressing. It sounded like she was going to kill herself. She was talking about leaving to the dark side and that she'd be better off there. It's my fault, I made her go through so much. So many people hate her, Niall. A person can only take so much."
I looked up at the boys who were staring intensely at me.
"What's going on?" Liam whispered to me. I ignored his question.
"Listen, Em, get off the phone. I'll call her."
"Thank you so much."
"Don't worry, we'll fix this." I said and hung up.
"What was that about?" Harry asked.
I wasted no time and began calling Katie's phone. "Katie is suicidal and Emily can't reach her."
"What happened?" Liam asked.
"I have no idea." I put the phone to my ear and waited through endless rings for an answer. "Jesus, Katie, pick up the phone..." No one answered. "I'm trying again."
"She closed her Twitter account." Harry said. I looked up at them, they were both messing around on their phones now.
"Hey, some of my followers are talking about it." Liam read some of the tweets in his newsfeed aloud. "'Thank god Katie is finally gone.' 'Guys maybe we shouldn't have been so mean to her, she's a person.' 'I hope you all learned your lesson.' God, what's wrong with people? Katie is really depressed. There's screenshots of some of her tweets before she left."
I was listening to Liam talk and barely remembered I was waiting for her to answer still. When she actually did answer, I couldn't believe it.
"Niall?" She asked in a quiet strained voice. Her voice was so weak it made my heart hurt just listening to it. You could just hear the pain in her.
"Hey, what are you up to?" I asked casually.
"Are you only calling because you saw my tweets." Damn, of course she's gonna say that. But I technically didn't see them....
"No, what tweets?" I lied innocently.
I heard a deep sigh on her end of the line. "Nothing." She answered.
"I know there's somethin' wrong Katie. Emily is worried about you. Tell me what's on your mind." I have no idea what I'm doing. I've never been in a situation like this before. I just don't want to say the wrong things.
She sighed deeply once more. "I'm feeling better now."
"That's great!"
"All this pain is making me feel better." She laughed just once in a sad way. My mouth dropped open a bit. I'm too late aren't I?
"Katie, why would you do that?" I didn't know what she did exactly but I knew it had to be some kind of self harm. That explains her shallow breaths.
"Because they told me to." Her voice was so cold and clinical. It was scary.
"Who told you?"
"Everyone. They're always telling me to cut. Telling me I'm not worth it. So many people feel that way so it must be true."
"If you're talking about that weird group of people on Twitter then you can't be serious! They just spout aout ny random shit that comes to their minds!"
"Please, just let me be alone, Niall."
"No, you're my friend, I want to help you."
"I don't want to be stopped. I want this. Then maybe I'll be accepted."
"No, Katie, please just..." And just like that she ended the call. "Shit."
"I take it that didn't end well?" Liam asked.
"I don't know what's going on."
"Wow..." Harry started and we both looked at him. "I never realized how much hate Katie was getting on Twitter. You just search for her name and there's loads. I don't understand why people hate her so much. She's barely done anything with us?"
"How do we make her listen?" Liam asked.
"There's only one person she'll listen to." I stood up and walked down the hallway. I'm sure they knew where I was going.
It's time for someone to start taking responsibility for their actions and stop moaping around. He has no idea what's going on. He's being so selfish. I could literally just go off on him right now.
Louis' POV:
"Louis?" He knocked on my door 7 times. "I'm gonna keep knocking till you answer."
What part of 'leave me the fuck alone' is so hard for these guys. And Niall? Really? Of all people Niall? How could he understand. He doesn't even 'do' relationships. He has no idea what I'm going through. He doesn't know what it's like to lose the two people you care about more than anything else. And when they are both your fault because you're a screwup. Niall doesn't have to deal with shit like that. Lucky little Niall.
"Go. Away." How's that for an answer Niall? Why don't people get that I want to be left alone.
"Listen, Louis. Open the door. We're all well sick of you feeling sorry for yourself. It's gone too far."
"Yeah, that tone is really making me want to come out there." I laughed sarcastically.
I could hear him sigh and lean his weight against the door. "You can't sit in there forever and hide from your problems. I get it, Louis, I really do. You blame yourself for what happened to Eleanor. You think you could have stopped her. Could have seen the signs, somethin'. Maybe you could have. But it's over now. You can't change it." He sighed again. "I just want you to put away your feelings for a minute and think about someone else. When you were depressed, Katie came here to see you. Where are you when she needs someone?"
Katie has everyone she needs. She has Ashton and her friends and family. After a few silent moments I said, "She doesn't want to talk to me."
"And did you want to talk to her when she first came here?" The dead silence was answer enough I guess. "That's what I thought. But she helped you. You didn't want help but you needed it. And you opened the door for her even though you wanted to be alone. You were still fighting, part of you still wanted help despite everything. Now she needs help and where are you?"
Wait...what does he mean that she needs help?
"She needs help?"
"She's not well, Lou. She won't listen to anyone."
How isn't she well? What happened to her? God, I'm such an idiot, I should have known.
"After everything I've done, why would she want to talk to me?"
"Louis, she answered the phone when I called her. She wants help. She's waiting for someone to reach out and help her." I walked to the door but I couldn't bring myself to open it. I was too afraid. I leaned my head against the door and sighed, trying not to let myself cry. I've cried too much. What if I let her down again? No, you're being an ass, Louis. You can't just send her a gift and think everything will be peachy. You should have called her from the start. Niall's right. I'm a coward.
"Fine, Louis, be that way. You wanted to help Eleanor but you couldn't. Now you actually can save someone and you're choosing not to. You couldn't save El no matter how many times you tell yourself otherwise, it was out of your hands. You can save Katie, it's all on your shoulders this time. It's not too late."
I picked myself up and opened the door without another thought. The thought of anything happening to Katie was worse than my own selfish pain. "Give me the phone." Niall smiled at me and tossed it into my hands.
I called her number and walked to the living room. Niall followed me. Harry and Liam were sitting on the couch anxiously rocking around. Their faces lit up as they noticed me walk into the room. Niall sat down beside them and I just stood there with the phone pressed to my ear, praying Katie answers the phone one more time.
I almost cried when she did.
Not only because it was amazing to hear her voice and know she's alive but also because her voice was so weak and vulnerable. It was heartbreaking.
"Niall, I told you I don't want to..."
"This isn't Niall."
The line went dead silent after I said that and I could hear her swallow hard.
"Louis?" She asked with a raspy voice.
I couldn't speak. I'd completely froze. I looked up at the other boys who quickly scattered out of the room to give me space. I sat down on the couch where they were previously. "I'm right here."
"You don't have to be, I don't need you." I could hear her start crying and it broke my heart. I did this to her. How could I have done this to her...
"Kate...I'm so sorry."
"Why...why did you not talk to me? What did I do wrong? Is it because I wouldn't have sex with you because if that's how you are than you can hang up the..."
"Kate, I'd never do that. It was so much more. I should have called you from the start but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was embarrassed."
"About what?"
"Didn't you get the package?"
God, why can't I be with her right now. Why can't I be there for her to cry on. She shouldn't have to cry alone.
Katie's POV:
Why did I stop cutting years ago?
Everything is so much clearer now.
I felt like I looked delirious and perhaps even a bit psychotic but I didn't care. The high I was getting from this took away my ability to care about anything.
Great, who's calling me now.
Niall again? Ugh...
"Niall, I said I don't want to.."
"This isn't Niall." That familiar British voice filled my head and I recognized it immediately as Louis. My heart stopped and I dropped the piece of glass in my hand. My throat became dry and I couldn't speak.
"Louis?" I managed to get that out at least.
"I'm right here." He reassured. I was overjoyed and furious all at once. It was an overwhelming feeling. Half of me was happy to hear him but the other half wanted to give him a piece of my mind. That half won.
"You don't have to be. I don't need you."
I heard him sigh. His voice became deadly serious. "Kate...I'm so sorry." For what? Ignoring me? Unfollowing me? Embarrassing me? Causing the world to hate me? There's a list...
"Why...why did you not talk to me? What did I do wrong? Is it because I wouldn't have sex with you because if that's how you are than you can hang up the..."
"Kate, I'd never do that." He interrupted me. "It was so much more. I should have called you from the start but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was embarrassed."
What on earth does he have to be embarrassed about...
"About what?" I asked.
"Didn't you get the package?"
What package? Oh...
That package.
The one that came before I graduated. For some bizarre reason I had accidentally packed that in my bag before Emily and I left to the apartment. It was wrapped up in my clothes and I didn't notice it until we arrived there.
"I never opened it."
"Could you?" He pleaded.
I sighed. "I'd rather just..."
"Before you do anything else, will you just open it." He already knew what I was about to say.
"What's the point, Louis, it doesn't change how everyone feels."
He didn't answer me and I crawled across the floor to my bag that I'd thrown down earlier. I was in too much pain to walk over there myself. I pulled out the package and ripped it open.
A book?
Our book.
Breaking Free.
That stupid-ass book that we never finished reading.
There was a note taped to the front.
"I can't say things easily. Not to people that I care about. It's hard. I can't think straight. I thought it would be easier to write this out instead. I hope you're happy, I've been sitting in my room for days crying over you and I've never done that in my life over anyone. I don't know if that's just an effect you have on people or if you've just stolen my heart. This sounds cheesy, doesn't it?
I wouldn't have ignored you on purpose. And no, I wasn't trying to take advantage of you. I really hope you know me well enough to see that. While you were at the funeral your phone was stolen. That's how it ended up back at our hotel. One of our managers thought he knew what was best and forged some texts between you and one of our guards so I would think you were cheating on me. I was foolish to believe it. I knew it was fake but I let myself believe it. It's hard though. It's hard to draw the line between what our management tells us versus the truth. Sometimes they think they know what's best and we have to choose whether or not to trust our hearts or them.
So I was going to call you after that but I saw the pictures of you with Ashton and thought you had moved on. I've been an idiot, sitting around feeling sorry for myself when I should have asked you personally for the truth. If you are with Ashton then I hope you're happy. If it turns out to be a rumor made up by the media then... I love you. I don't want to lose you over this. I want to see what could happen between us.
If you want to give me a second chance then open the book. If not you can throw it away."
I opened the book because what else could I do. Inside there was a small piece of paper which I noticed were conveniently marking the same page we left off on the last time we Skyped.
The paper was actually a plane ticket.
A one way ticket to London.
Everything I knew was wrong. Everything.
I began crying and covered my mouth because I knew Louis was still on the line and could hear me. I think he could still hear me anyway. "That was...a long ass letter." I laughed over my tears. He chuckled once as well.
"I know you think everyone hates you and maybe some people do but I don't care about them and neither should you. Just care about you and I because I love you. I think you're amazing. Fuck what they think. They don't know you like I do."
"I don't know what to say to be honest, Louis." There was so much to say. So many things that were unspoken between us that I couldn't get out.
"Ask her to come on tour with us! We got an extra bunk!" I heard someone shout from Louis' end. I think it was Liam.
"I thought you guys left!" Louis protested to the other boys.
"How could we leave, this is a big deal!"
"Leave us alone. We're in the middle of something."
"You're using my phone though!" Niall said. His voice was very recognizable.
"Oh, ask her what color she wants her side of the bus to be." Harry asked.
"I will drag you out of the fucking room by your fucking curly hair and your fucking headband..." Damn, Louis...
"Fine, jesus..." One of them mumbled, I wasn't sure which one of them it was.
"You still here, babe?" Louis came back onto the line.
I was laughing a bit. This felt...better than cutting and now I regret all of it... "I'm here." I said calmly. "I just...there's a lot happening. I don't...you don't understand."
"Please, don't hurt yourself. Maybe I don't understand but hurting yourself isn't the answer. You taught me that, remember?" I really am a hypocrite. "Hold on until morning. I promise you things will be better. Katie, please."
"Okay, Louis."
Why did you say that?
You can't.
You're too weak.
You're too weak to do anything.
Just give up.
Louis will hurt you again.
You can't trust him.
You can't trust anyone.
"Stop, please..." I mumbled with all the sanity I had left.
"Stop what?" Louis said. I forgot he was still on the phone. I was embarassed for him to hear me talking to myself. He didn't know what I was going through. I'll look crazy...
"Not you." I said.
Hang up on him.
Before you get hurt again.
Get back to the kitchen and keep cutting. It's where you belong.
It's what you deserve.
"Katie, tell me what's going on?"
"It's...the voices..." I dropped my head into my hands and pulled hard on my hair, desperately wanting them to stop. I didn't want this anymore. I didn't want to feel this way. Louis gave me some speck of hope and it felt better than cutting had made me feel.
"The voices in your head?" How did he understand? How could he? How could someone like him understand something like that...
"They won't stop...how can I make it stop..."
"Don't hang up. Just listen to me."
"Why? Why are you trying to help me. The voices tell me I'm not worth it, why do you think I am?" I wish I wasn't saying such stupid things but I couldn't help it with the state of mind I was in.
"They don't care about you. They want you to be unhappy. I'm the only one that cares. You helped me when I was alone and afraid. Now let me help you." I didn't say anything after he said that. "Get in your bed." He instructed. My stubborn nature told me not to but I was too weak to argue. I was laying on the floor beside the bed. I was barely strong enough to pull myself onto the bed but I finally managed to.
"Alright." I said.
"Get comfortable."
"Why?"
"Because I'm going to read this stupid book to you." He laughed. I covered myself with a blanket and leaned against the wall of pillows against the headboard.
"You have a copy of it as well?"
"Of course I do. This book changed my life." I smiled at his words and closed my eyes.
"Now...Chapter 5..."