I'm not going to mess this day up.
I will do everything in my power to make today as easy as possible for them. There will not be a repeat of last year.
Parking in the driveway, I grab Ronnie's hand. "Listen, Munchkin, Saffron wanted you here but you have to understand, she's not going to be very happy."
A part of me still feels that it's a mistake to bring her but Scarlett insisted that if everyone else has friends here, then she should too. Ronnie nods, her usual smile gone from her face.
Walking up to the door, I knock, preparing myself for whoever opens it to be a mess. Ella's pale frame appears, her eyes already red from crying. "Hey."
I try to smile, "How are they?"
"We're here this year and they're actually talking to us." She offers.
Progress.
Wandering into the kitchen, I set some of the food I brought down for later before wandering the house with the doughnuts, coffee, and juice I bought. They need to eat.
I find the twins first, in the basement with Connor and Sam, just staring at the blank TV. "I have food."
Usually that line has them running, knocking me on my ass as they pig out. Today they don't even budge.
Taking a seat between them, I drop a doughnut onto both of their legs before throwing my arms around them. They hug me and I can feel warm liquid sleeping into my shirt, but I don't say anything.
"Do you want to talk?"
Both heads shake no so I sit there and let them have their time. They need this.
Silver's stomach growls after I don't even know how long.
"Look, dude, you better eat before your sister hears that sound and force feeds you." I say without thinking, I shut my mouth so fast my teeth hurt.
Sometimes it's better to just shut up, Ashton.
Silver pulls away, wiping his nose as he picks up his doughnut. "You're right, I still need to take my meds."
Oh my God.
Running upstairs, I grab his pills along with some ibuprofen before hurrying back. Handing them to him, I toss the ibuprofen to Sterling, "You'll get a headache."
Once I make sure there's nothing else they've forgotten to do, I head for the stairs.
"Hey, Ash." Sterling calls, I stop. "Thanks."
"Of course."
Sage is in his room, hugging Ella as his shoulders shake when I open the door. "I can come back."
He jumps up, trying to hide the fact he was crying. Ella goes for the door, offering a weak smile as she passes me.
"Scar's upstairs." He offers, his voice weak.
"Bro, I've seen you cry, don't be stupid." I say point blank, he doesn't get to be stubborn right now.
His facade crumbles, "I'm... I know."
He collapses back on the bed and I join him, offering a doughnut and an iced caramel coffee, his favorite. To my surprise, he eats without being forced.
Maybe he's doing better than I thought.
"This is my favorite doughnut, but it has no taste." He offers.
I just sit there, unsure of what to say. I've dealt with grief but it's not the same.
"I don't know what it is about today, but it fucking sucks."
"It's the anniversary, Sage, it's supposed to fucking suck." Once again, Ashton McClain is killing it with speaking when he shouldn't.
He snorts, "Today's the day I cry till I can't see straight. I don't want to, but I can't help it."
Again, I don't know what to say but mom always said sometimes it's better to say nothing. People will speak their truth. We just have to listen.
"I miss them every day, so much that sometimes I feel like I'm dying. I see them everywhere. Every time I look at those stupid drums, I remember dad teaching me how to play. The spray paint was a bad idea, mom's the one I used to do that with. Every time I touch a baseball, eat lemon meringue pie, walk down the hall, I see them and I can't stand it."
The disgust on his face speaks volume, the hate in his eyes as he stares at nothing.
"Saffron doesn't have much to go on, I know every year she feels less and less. She misses a mom and dad, but she doesn't know them. The twins forget the little things. Scarlett, though, I think she chooses to forget. She spends so much time trying to keep us going, to make up for the lack of parents and it drives me wild. We shouldn't just move on because I don't want to forget."
His confession shocks me, I never knew. He hides everything behind a goofy smile, it's so hard to know what he's really thinking.
"I used to be so mad at her for acting like a parent." He admits and I can hear the regret. "I hated how she would calm the twins down so effortlessly and read Saffron to sleep at night like mom wasn't doing the same thing not even a month before. I felt like she was trying to replace them."
Scarlett's definitely a full-blown parent but she'd never. "Sage-"
"No, I know how bad that sounds. She does it for us and it's because of her I'm even functioning today."
He sighs, playing with the cross around his neck and I hug him. He squeezes me so hard I wince, knowing he needs this. "I'm always here for you, bro."
"Thank you." He croaks, letting go to run fingers through his hair.
Deciding he's ok, I go for the door.
He clears his throat. "Ash, I've never told anyone that besides my shrink."
"It stays with me." I assure him, I can keep his secrets. Plus, I think it would destroy Scarlett to ever know he felt that way.
Sometimes grief should be hidden from those closest, we all process it differently.
My mind tries to process everything he just confessed as I open Saffron's door. The processing stops as I listen to Gabe reading Geronimo Stilton.
Saffron's curled into his side, clutching a stuffed baseball for dear life while Ronnie sits next to her.
"I didn't know you were here." I say, handing him the box.
"Yeah, I figured I could help. Squirt needed a friend."
Resting on the ledge, I offer Saff a sprinkled doughnut. "Hey, Squirt."
She gets up, wrapping her arms around my neck in a death grip. "I love you, Ashy."
And with that she takes the food and returns to her spot next to Gabe.
I want to go but I decide to prepare myself. "How is she?"
Gabe glances down at the girls, "Earlier she was a mess. I was with her for a while, Avery hasn't left her side. Stella came in for a minute, but she tried to clean and got kicked out."
Something I'm sure Scarlett will apologize for later. Nodding grimly, I begin the walk up the stairs.
The door opens, Avery starting down the stairs before she notices me. "Thank God, I was about to drag your ass up here."
I wince, maybe I should've seen her first. But then I wouldn't have visited anyone else all day. "How are you doing?"
She stands a little taller, but I see the flash of terror. "I haven't been home since Christmas, I don't plan on going back till after I get back from California."
I really hate her parents. "Are you staying here?"
"Not for all of it."
"Avery." I protest, rubbing my temples. "Scarlett wants you here. She loves you, and wants you to have a home."
I've listened to too many arguments to know how much she wants her here.
Avery sags in defeat. "I hate imposing. She doesn't need another person to care for. Besides, I can't ruin your last few days together."
Hugging her, I feel bad, but I don't protest. I'd prefer not to have extra people around either. Especially since Avery sleeps in Scarlett's room most of the time.
She's my friend, and I care for her, but I deserve to be selfish.
Opening the door, I expect to hear sobbing, but nothing. Closing it, I find her on the bed, curled into a ball with her parents' video paused on the tv.
"Morning, Sweetheart."
She says nothing, not bothering to look over at me.
"I have coffee."
Still nothing.
Pulling my phone and keys out of my pocket, I crawl into bed. Gently, I pick her up and rest her in my lap.
Kissing her temple, I brush her hair out of her face. "How are you doing?"
Her face is splotchy, "Fine. I had the same nightmare again."
My heart stops, she relived the worst day of her life when it stings the most.
"I should've spent the night." I mutter.
I knew it would've been better that way.
"No, it's okay. I managed to fall back asleep." She assures me.
I relax a little, but the guilt lingers. I should get used to this, in a few days I won't be able to sweep in and pick up the pieces.
"What are we watching?" I know it's probably the same video the twins made that I've seen before, but I'd watch it again.
She wipes her eyes, "Their wedding video, we can-" her hand goes for the remote, but I stop her.
"No, finish it."
Scarlett stays silent for a minute, glassy eyes staring up at me. I panic thinking, I've done something wrong, but she pecks me on the lips. "Thank you."
Pressing play, we watch her dad cry as her mom walks herself down the aisle. Their vows give me goosebumps, the amount of love they had for each other is like no other.
John's best man speech actually cracks a laugh out of her. Watching them smash cake in each other's face and dance makes me feel happy.
Not because they're dead but for the future.
"I can't wait to marry you."
She tenses, I need to shove a sock in my mouth. "What?"
"I'm sorry, forget I said anything, it was stupid of me." I try to move on, but she looks back.
It's not a big deal, we've talked about it before. Maybe the conversation started off as a joke, but I was serious. I'm always serious.
"No, I just, I'm happy I'm not the only one who wants that." She admits wistfully.
"Tell me, what do you see?" I ask, wanting to keep her talking. A distraction is good.
She begins to play with the ring around her neck. "I don't know, I suppose it will be a party, especially with my family involved. I'll wear white, nothing too crazy."
"Do you even qualify for that color anymore?"
My arm gets slapped, "It will probably have to be in the spring. We'll have a big cake."
"Chocolate or pound cake?"
"I was thinking red velvet."
"I knew there was a reason I loved you." I reply seriously.
She snorts, "I have no idea who my maid of honor will be because all three of my friends are pretty good."
"My money's on Avery." I offer. Ella's too nice to demand it and while Stella is a force to be reckoned with, Avery is determined to make everything perfect for Scarlett. She still holds onto guilt for the last 17 years.
"And I'll walk down the aisle with..." her voice dies off as the smile leaves her face. "I'll walk down the aisle with John."
I don't know what to say, angry with myself for even wanting to bring this up. Of course, her parents would be mentioned when it comes to weddings.
"They won't be there." She whispers and my heart hurts.
"They'll be watching." I try to reason with her, but she stops me.
"No, dad will never walk me down the aisle, making jokes to make me feel better. Mom won't be there to help me get dressed, hovering over every last detail to make sure it's perfect. There won't be a daddy daughter dance, for me or Saffron, or any of the other things normal people get. And none of us will ever experience that. Who will the boys escort down the aisle before they take their place at the alter? Who will go with us to cake tastings and make sure the decor goes together and calm us down when we panic?"
Holding her tighter, I open my mouth and pray I don't piss her off. "You won't have to do anything alone. And the others don't have your parents, but they have you Scar, and that's a pretty great second choice."
Hiding her face in my chest, she cries. The wound stinging from the lemon juice I just added.
And you'll always have me.
Sniffling, she finally pulls away. "Thank you."
"Don't thank me." I counter, there's no other way I'd rather spend my day.
"No." She shakes her head. "Thank you for the food and for taking the time to check on everyone else. For giving Silver his meds and getting Sage to talk. Thank you for not putting me first but for still being there for me, holding me, loving me."
I don't want to know how she knows about all the things I've done but I'm not surprised, this is her house.
"Scar, I love you guys. My love for you is very, very different, but I love you all. This isn't something to thank me for, I'm simply doing what feels right. Especially... especially after last year. I'm still so, so sor-"
She covers my mouth, "Don't apologize, it's in the past and deserves to stay there."
We both regret how that day went, but I'll carry that guilt with me forever.
"The fact that a year later, you're still here for us is more than enough."
Leaning her head back against my chest, she closes her eyes. Watching her, I trace lines on her arms. "I'll never leave you again. How I acted will forever haunt me, but know I will spend the rest of our lives making up for it."
Tilting her head back, her eyes have a silent plea for me to accept her forgiveness but she knows better. "I love you."
Grinning, I kiss her. "I love you."
Nestling her head back to my chest, she sighs. "I lied. I didn't fall back asleep this morning."
Chuckling, I move so we're laying down. "I know, get some shut eye, Sweetheart."
I spend the rest of the day trying to chase her demons away.
*****
This chapter hurt me, no lie. But since LIC won a fiction award and LIS hit 1 million, I wanted to celebrate. Thank you guys so so much for everything. This past year has been a whirlwind and I'm so happy you guys are along for the ride.
BIG NEWS TOMORROW!
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