✿ TWENTY-TWO ✿
"No, I don't want to fall in love,
With you"
___
That evening she sat on a log by the fire outside. She had grabbed her blanket and wrapped herself in it, like a human burrito. It was getting colder and colder every day, and Katherine wasn't looking forward to winter. She had heard it was beautiful, especially if everything turned white because of the snow, but she couldn't stand cold temperatures.
Her cell in isolation had been cold as well. They had spared her neither food, nor oxygen or energy to warm up her cell. Suddenly, she longed to her quiet little cell. She didn't have the luxuries she had on Earth, but had been just her, her books and occasionally, Sergeant Miller. The only death she had to worry about was her own in over a little more than a year and that was it. Now she had seen enough death for a lifetime.
Katherine thought about her mother. She hadn't seen or spoken her in over four years. It seemed like a miraculously long time without your mother, but Katherine had got used to it. The thought of seeing her gentle face and hearing her warm voice finally again, made Katherine both excited and nervous. After all, they had so many things to speak about and they had only gotten assigned half an hour tomorrow.
She wondered how she had managed after Noah's death. He had made her mother more than dependable on him, and Katherine had hated him for it. She fiercely hoped that after his death she had gotten help and gotten her life on the rails again. Thoughts of possible situations other than that one made Katherine feel an ache deep in her heart. She might have let a monster into their lives, but she also was the woman who had sung to her when she was afraid and had placed loving kisses on her forehead.
As she noticed someone sitting next to her, Katherine straightened her back and pulled her blanket a little tighter around her. Everybody had left for their beds, or what had been left of it, about an hour ago. Nate had to watch the Grounder, so Octavia had offered her a place in her tent for the night, even though her and Nate's tent had been one of the few that wasn't touched by the storm.
For a couple of minutes, the person next to her didn't say anything. From the corners of her eye Katherine realised with a little jolt that it was Bellamy and suddenly she felt ten years older. She didn't want to start a fight in the late night with him, so as long as he kept his mouth shut, so did she, the both of them just staring endlessly into the crackling flames.
"I'm sorry," Bellamy broke the silence softly.
Katherine felt his eyes shift from the fire to the side of her face. She had a good feeling of what he was saying sorry for, his scolding in front of the Grounder, but she wasn't really impressed. Bellamy had said many things over the past couple of two weeks and for some things he had kept his words, for others not.
Katherine let a loud sigh escape over her lips. Though she didn't feel particularly impressed, she didn't feel like a grudge would earn her much either. So she just shrugged, still not looking at the man next to her. She wondered once again if he remembered her from his time as a cadet, and more importantly, if he knew what made her end up in the Skybox.
"It's okay," Katherine replied. She didn't know what else to say. She wanted to ask him if he was okay, she wanted to tell him that he knew too much about her and she knew nothing of him, except for the fact that he had shot Chancellor Jaha, but she knew she couldn't. It left her with a feeling she couldn't describe. Bellamy always somehow managed to make her feel that way.
"It's not, really," Bellamy said, causing Katherine to look up. The boy shook his head, his hands rubbing his face in a defeated way. "O and I had a fight before you and Nate came back to camp. I said some horrible things. I didn't mean them, obviously, but I did say them."
"Bellamy," Katherine said softly. She felt her heart melt for the man, who looked at her with endless brown eyes that hid so much pain. All of a sudden she remembered how desperate he had looked in the woods with Atom, and she wondered how much was left of that person. She didn't know if it was appropriate, but she let her hand rest on his knee in support. "She knows that, don't worry. I get that you were upset."
Katherine felt Bellamy grab her hand, giving it a little squeeze and then holding onto it. She noticed that his hand felt rough from the work he had done and that it was pleasantly warm. It was the opposite of how her hand must have felt, soft from the fact that she only had to work with plants and ice-cold, because they always were. She also noticed that her heart was beginning to race and her stomach felt queasy. Both reactions were unasked for.
"Seems like I always end up with you," Bellamy said, scoffing softly. Katherine felt her heart skip a bit, thinking that he might refer to his time as her guard, but she covered it up quickly.
"That's not true," she chuckled a little louder than she wanted to. She gave him a little nudge, only then noticing how close he was actually sitting. "You end up with a lot of girls."
When Bellamy let out a chuckle as well, shaking his head in incredulity, as if he couldn't believe that she had made that comment, Katherine felt proud of herself for getting that scowl of his face. A small smile covered her face.
"I don't talk with those girls, I just..." Bellamy drifted off, not sure what to say.
"Use them for the night and then dump them afterwards?" Katherine suggested, shrugging her shoulders as if it really wasn't that difficult. Bellamy looked at her like she was exaggerating, causing Katherine to look at him in the same way, unimpressed and with one eyebrow raised. It took Bellamy only a couple of seconds before he lost their staring contest, his eyes wandering off to the dying flames and non-verbally agreeing with Katherine. She also looked into the flames. "By the way, you don't talk with me either. You just either yell or grunt."
"That's not true," Bellamy immediately defended himself as if Katherine had offended him.
"Okay then, why don't you tell me how you're holding up with Charlotte's death," Katherine asked him, causing an ache in her own heart as well. She was still grieving for the young girl, well, if you could call pushing your emotions nine out of ten times away grieving. She was painfully aware of the fact that Bellamy was still holding onto her hand like it was a lifeline.
"I, uh..." Bellamy answered. He looked from the flames to Katherine, struggling to find the right words. Katherine thought she could see his cheeks heat up, but she thought that it could also be caused by the heat of the flames. "I don't know."
"That's okay, what is it that you do know?" Katherine asked, making sure her voice was soft and her tone sincere so that he would not interpret it as a snappy remark. Fortunately, he didn't take it as one, because he looked far away in his thoughts. Katherine found it a little ironic. He didn't seem to be having any trouble with giving speeches or talking to whole groups, but talking about what he felt didn't come naturally to him. She couldn't blame him, she had the same problem.
Bellamy seemed to hesitate for a second, but then he let out a loud sigh as his eyes wandered to their holding hands. "I know I don't want to fight anymore with you," he said softly, covering his words quickly up with a cough. He gave Katherine a lopsided grin as he into her eyes, trying to lighten the mood up a little. "To be frank, your determination is just tiring."
Katherine couldn't help but chuckle at that, shaking her head in disbelief. "Fair enough."
For a little while, it was quiet, both of them lost in thought. Katherine thought about Bellamy's words. She didn't want to fight with him either, because apart from the fact that it was indeed tiring, it also wasn't worth it. Grudges were something you couldn't afford on the ground. Besides, they had to be a united front if they wanted to stand the slightest chance against the Grounders.
After a couple of minutes, it was Katherine who broke the silence. "So, friends?" she asked, giving him a soft squeeze in his hand as she nudged his shoulder.
Bellamy chuckled, something that sounded a lot like music, more than the voice he used when he was bossing people around at least, and nodded. He let go of her hand. "Friends."
Katherine immediately felt the cold air touch her hand and she quickly drew it back under her blanket. As she looked at Bellamy, she noticed that looked at her like he wanted to ask something. She remembered when they had to stay into a cave one night with Charlotte due to the acidic fog and she had just known that he had wanted to ask a question as well. Rolling her eyes, she raised her eyebrows. "Say what you want to say."
"Alright then," Bellamy said as he smirked, making Katherine slightly fear the question he was about to ask. "What is going on between you and Nate?"
Though she was a little surprised, she covered it quickly up by chuckling loudly, considering her options. She could easily return the question with almost any girl's name and she could just as easily tell Bellamy that Nate wouldn't ever like her like that, but where would be the fun in that?
"A question for another night," Katherine said as she stood up from the log. She looked at Bellamy, thinking about how many faces the man had. At this moment he looked like a boy younger than he really was, his eyes twinkling with excitement. He reminded her of the way he had been as they had shared their most awful jokes on the Ark. She smiled at the memory.
"Good night, Bellamy," she said softly. She didn't wait for a reaction and turned away from the man as she made her way to Octavia's tent. She felt Panther follow her without making a sound and she was glad that it wasn't a long way to Octavia's tent, because it made the possibility of tripping over some stray piece of wood or metal smaller. She did feel Bellamy's eyes on her back the whole way.
"What did that asshole want from you?" Octavia asked with a grumpy voice as soon as Katherine entered the tent.
Katherine, who thought that Octavia would have been long asleep after their tiring trip to the cave, did her best to suppress a loud scream. A small squeak managed to escape her lips and she noticed that in shock she had grabbed for her neck, the wound on it still stinging a little.
As if her voice hadn't sounded bad enough already, Octavia also put one some night lamp, causing the whole tent to light up like a flare had been lit. The younger Blake was sitting cross-legged on the bed, her facial expression anything but amused. She raised her eyebrow at Katherine, causing her to feel like she was being scolded for doing something wrong.
"He was apologising, actually," Katherine said as she laid the blanket on the empty bed. She wasn't sure if she would be able to catch some sleep, but at least she wanted to be comfortable. Unless other delinquents, Katherine wouldn't get extremely cold during the night thanks to Panther. She looked at Octavia. "He told me that the two of you had a fight."
"Yeah, I don't know what has gotten into him lately," Octavia said as she let herself fall onto her mattress. The younger girl let out a loud sigh as she stared at the ceiling of her tent. "He just used to be the best brother someone could wish for, but lately... something's has changed him."
"That awesome brother is still somewhere there, O, don't worry," Katherine said softly. She unlaced her boots and placed them next to her bed. She patted the place next to her legs and Panther swiftly jumped up the mattress, knowing the routine. Katherine stretched out her arms for the nightlamp, pushing a button and effectively killing the light. "Good night, O."
"Good night, Cat," Octavia replied, causing a little flower of pain to blossom in Katherine's chest.
Katherine rolled on her left side, hugging Panther close to her chest. She didn't want to think about tomorrow. Not about her mother, not about Dr Noah, not about Atom, not about Murphy and not about Charlott, but that wasn't half as easy as it might seem. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw either her mother's red-rimmed eyes, Noah's scalpel, Atom's blisters, Murphy's hanging or Charlotte's suicide. It was like an endless vicious circle.
"Katherine?" she heard Octavia ask softly. Happy for the distraction, even if it would only last for a minute. Katherine produced a humming sound, letting Octavia know that she was still awake. "Don't get too caught up with Bellamy, you're too good for him."
Katherine didn't know what to say.
✿
The next morning had been harsh. Katherine knew it was her turn to talk to her mother as soon as she felt Octavia's hands on her shoulders, softly whispering to her that she had to wake up. Katherine, who had been awake the whole night, turned around and looked at the younger Blake in wonder. She realised that for a girl who's lived the larger part of her life under the ground, she wasn't as introverted as you would have expected.
"Alright, this is going to be heavy," Katherine muttered as she put on her boots. Feeling more than stressed out, she buried her face in Panther's fur for a moment, smelling his familiar scent. She took a deep breath, looked at Octavia and suddenly felt guilty. At least she had a mother to talk to.
"Good luck, I'll be with meat crew if you need me," Octavia said with a piteous smile. She gave Katherine one last reassuring pat on her shoulder and then left the tent, leaving Katherine and Panther alone.
With a loud sigh, Katherine forced herself to stand up. She as well found her way out of the tent and into the clearing that was their camp. Immediately her eyes found the makeshift tent that now functioned as a communication centre and a wave of nausea engulfed her. Not feeling like she was quite ready yet, she walked to Monty and Jasper, who appeared to be rationing nuts.
"Well, if you don't look like shit," Jasper said as soon as he noticed Katherine coming towards them. He offered her a smile that said he meant well, but it didn't even appear to reach the girl.
"For someone who balanced on the edge of death not too long ago, you have quite a big mouth," Katherine replied. She picked a berry from the table and popped it into her mouth. It tasted bitter and made her stomach churn in dismay.
"Jasper isn't entirely wrong though, did you even sleep last night?" Monty asked, always the one to worry. He offered her another berry, but when she shook her head, he put it in a little bag with an expression of rejection on his face.
"I already ate something, Monty, don't worry," Katherine lied with a reassuring smile. She knew how anxious and worried Monty could be, and she didn't want to be another burden on his shoulder. So instead, she smiled and gave him a little nudge to his shoulder. "I heard it was you who managed to also make a screen so we can see the people on the Ark."
"Oh yeah, it was nothing," Monty said, a little blush covering his cheeks. The look in his eyes suggested something different and Katherine felt proud of her best friend.
As soon as she noticed someone walking out of the tent, a boy named Dax if she was right, she felt her hands beginning to tremble. It wasn't like she didn't want to see or talk to her mother, but she was afraid of who she might see. She was fearing for an empty shell of what would have once been her loving mom, someone that would be too affected with what she had been through.
"Guess it's my turn now," Katherine said needlessly, adding a chuckle that only made her sound more nervous. She looked from Jasper to Monty, the latter only seeming to understand her nerves.
"First time ever since?" Monty asked, making Katherine wonder if he perhaps did know what she was locked up for. In the last two weeks, he hadn't suggested that he did, but you might never know.
Katherine tried to swallow the lump in her throat and nodded. "Wish me luck."