That is how the tour stayed for a while. No one spoke of me singing, Alex and Ryleigh didn't bother me about it. Well, Ryleigh did a few times which everyone thought she was crazy when it was brought up. I had been caught though a few times trying to skip out on taking my treatments, as I called them.
Currently sitting on the stage with a few pieces of sheet music I was reading through lyrics both Alex and Ryleigh had given me. I checked my watch and noticed it was almost time for me to go and have another treatment. I shut my eyes pretending Rian wouldn't come to get me knowing he took today to come to pick me up and force me to take them. I had recently started fighting them holding my breath until I almost passed out. It was sort of dumb though because Ryleigh would come in and tickle me or try and talk to me. Which it was like she forgot I hardly talked anyway and it wasn't like I was very loud ever. Beckett forgot to wake up once and it was kind of scary. It wasn't like having withdraws but I felt the same way like I couldn't breathe but I wasn't shaky so it was a trade-off in my opinion. Alex yelled and was so livid at Beckett as Kolbi took a nap that day in the dressing room. Ryleigh had gotten good at doing her hair as she wiggled around and I sat in a chair trying not to shake. It was such a struggle though eventually I just had to give in to the involuntary shaking.
I stood up from where I was sitting at the edge of the stage and held the sheet music in my hands. Alex's handwriting was so sloppy compared to Ryleigh's. I held the songs in my hands making little adjustments to where I thought it would sound weird or what notes I would hold. I then began to play some classical instrumental music and was rocking out with my headphones in. I danced around the stage like I was alone until I felt someone put their arms around my waist. I knew who it was as soon as I saw his fingers.
"What are you listening to?" He asked and his eyes sparkled with glints of hope.
I handed him one of my wireless earbuds letting him put it in his ear. I looked at him as he nodded his head. I went over to my Mac that was sitting on the piano currently and began to play some different music. AKA more Beckett like music.
"You know why I came to get you right?" He asked in my free ear.
I nodded my head and then threw myself on the stage laying there in an x position as Ry called it. Alex laid like this sometimes starring up at all the lights and ceiling. Alex was weird though not that he didn't already know this. Beckett sighed before walking over to me to help me up. I refused and went limp so that made it just worse on Beckett. Even though I was small and according to everyone else fairly light. Beckett couldn't figure out how to pick me up. Beckett then called Rian who I knew was going to come and yell at me. It was one of the most unexpected things I have learned about Rian is that he yells. He is usually always the calm and collected one but he yells. All of the guys yell they are guys but Rian I think more so than I expected.
I was a little shocked though when it was Zack who came and picked me up. I beat on his back with my fist as he just laughed. I was sat in a shitty ass wood chair that was so uncomfortable. I looked at Rian who came in looking at me annoyed as Zack grabbed the mask and medicine. He put the medicine into the cup part of the mask before slipping it on over my head.
"What the hell is this Logan? This isn't a game we have been over this!" Rian said at me as I just stared at him refusing to breathe in.
Rian was getting really irate. Which was a little abnormal? He just walked out slamming the wood door causing Zack to look at me scared.
"You like pissing people off don't you?"
I looked down at my shoes before slipping the mask off my face. I rubbed my hands over my face. The tears violently brunt at the corners of my eyes. I needed something. Zack fought me trying to get the mask back on me cornering me.
"Logan this is for your own good and you know this. Don't you like breathing?"
I didn't acknowledge him speaking to me as Jack came in with a somber look on his face. I looked down at my socks. I was afraid to listen to what Jack was going to say but he told Zack to forget it. If I didn't want to take it I didn't have to.
"Rian is tired of fighting her and if she wants to do it she can, if she doesn't we'll just call for medics and she'll have to go home," Jack said before shrugging and looking at his phone.
Zack turned the machine off and put the mask so it was hooked. There was still medicine in the cup part of the machine. Zack nodded before walking out of the room. I was left sitting in this hard ass chair until Alex came in and sat with me. He moved the other wooden chair in front of me.
"Do you want to go somewhere?" Alex asked and I looked at him as he fixed the hat on his head.
I nodded my head a little. I had been either cooped up in a bus, a hotel room, or on a stage. I didn't feel like I could go out and see the real world anymore. I built walls up around myself but they were different they were to keep me safe. These walls were real and I couldn't escape them. I didn't want to run away, I just wanted to walk around outside. Fuck, I would have even taken going on runs with Zack if it meant it could go outside.
"I'll make you a deal, you finish it and we'll go out," Alex said and grabbed the mask holding it out for me.
I looked at it then at him. I pointed to my watch. It took me almost a full 2 hours before I wasn't shaking to function normally. I could walk and stuff but it's like being cold and not being able to stop shaking. That is the best way to describe it.
"Don't worry about the time. Just take it please Logan," Alex said and looked at me with pleading eyes.
I nodded my head and put my hand out shakily. Alex placed the equipment in my hand and I placed it on my head as tightened the straps as I leaned over to turn the machine on. I put my head back against the wall as Alex looked at me with eyes filled with concerned.
I knew no one was getting sleep with me being here. It wasn't like we got much sleep anyway but I knew there were nights when Rian came in and sat in the nook, since Ryleigh and I usually got a suite, and would rub my back while I tried to sleep. There were nights where I couldn't sleep feeling jacked after taking my treatment where Alex let me come stay with him and Jack. Jack was the messy one of the two but they both left quite a few hotel rooms a little trashed. I slept in the same bed with Jack for a few hours before climbing over to sleep with Alex. Alex would play with my hair while I 'slept' while Jack would trace patterns on my arm or back. I felt the medication enter my body as I began to shake. Alex sat there and watched me putting his hand out to pat my leg.
"Ri-Rian is ma-mad at me." I tried to speak up but it was hard.
"Yeah, Ri is pretty pissed right now. Have you been told you do that well?" Alex chuckled as I nodded.
"Jack and Zack too. Why... why don't you leave me too?" I said and pulled my left leg up to sit on it.
"You're making this harder than it has to be Logan. You know if you just listened and trust us-"
"I do trust you but I... I just want to be alone." I finished and signed the word as Alex looked at me hurt.
"You have about 2 minutes left before your out of medication." He said before getting up to leave the room.
Alex left the room and I put my hands up to my face wiping away the tears away. I felt sick to my stomach as I started to cry. I stopped the machine and stood up moving the trashcan in between my legs. I spit the excess saliva out of my mouth and wiped my nose with tissues ever so often. I was so shaky it wasn't funny. I just wanted to be normal and it sucked. I shoved the chair in front of me Alex had been sitting in and then wanted to cry harder.
I decided then that maybe this wasn't the best for me. I looked at the machine and dumped what was left in the trash can which was only a few drops. I wiped the inside out and the machine down before putting it together again and putting it on the table. I went outside where the guys were talking. Beckett and Ryleigh were playing with Kolbi. I was pretty shaky on my feet but I just bounced on my feet as I tried to walk up a normal pace for walking. I caught Rian's eyes but he didn't do anything as I walked up the stairs to the stage. I picked up my Mac and shut it. Before I sat at the Piano. I had a ton of sheet music that was blank in front of me that I threw off of mantel. I wanted to scream but couldn't I just banged my hands on the keys not caring what keys I was hitting as long as they were white. I then grabbed the sheet music that was mine to help write with Ryleigh off the ground and tore a few pages to little pieces. I felt better but the tears started falling again.
"Are you done with your tantrum?" Rian asked from behind me. It sounded like he was on the stairs.
I turned and looked at him and Alex who stood side by side. I nodded and wiped my eyes looking at the destruction I had caused. I got on my knees and shakily picked up the pieces and put them into a pile on the piano bench.
"I think that it would be a good idea if maybe you and Ryleigh take a few days off," Rian said and I looked up at him terrified knowing exactly what he meant.
Ryleigh was going to be so mad. It was Ryleigh's dream to be here and do this. I was ruining it again. I nodded my head knowing I wasn't going to change his mind as the tears rolled down my cheeks a little more violently this time. They felt bigger as my vision was almost completely blurred now.
"Alex thinks it would be a better idea if you guys just stay and we work through this. I want an apology though. Look, Logan, I'm not trying to be a bad guy, I just really want what is best for you and right now that is those breathing treatments." Rian said and squatted down to my height.
'I am sorry. I just it hurts. I can't leave, I feel like I can't do anything then because by the time I can I know I only have a few moments before I have to take another one.' I signed as Beckett came up behind me with a trashcan.
"She said it's hard," Beckett said and I began dumping my ripped up sheet music into the trash can.
"She also said she was sorry." Alex pointed at Beckett who nodded at Rian.
Rian and I sat starring at each other for a while. He looked so exhausted. I could tell this whole getting up ever 4 hours was killing him.
'I will have my bags tonight.' I signed before getting up and grabbing a pencil and the sheet music I didn't ruin.
I slid Alex's and Ryleigh's songs together creating a new song that they could cola on and wrote the notes for them for guitar on there before adding in the bass, and drum. I then left it on the coffee table in the boys' dressing room. I walked around the venue at what would most likely be one of the last times I'd walk around the venue.
Night fell all to quickly though and I was back in mine and Ryleigh's dressing room. I had given myself my next treatment a little earlier than normal so I wouldn't be as shaky. I sat there while Ryleigh finished getting ready.
"Are you really going to leave me after tonight?"
I thought for a moment shrugging. It was what everyone seemed to want but Beckett and Alex. I finished the treatment cleaning off the mask and the cup where the medicine was. I then packaged it up much like Alex or Rian did most nights. I then went over to the side stage where everyone was hanging out. I had my backpack set up and ready for either a plane trip or a hotel stay. Alex opened his arms wide open for me as I barreled into them. I shook in his arms as I felt him place a gentle kiss on my forehead.
"You took it didn't you?" He whispered as I nodded into his chest.
Jack then peeled me away from Alex to give me a hug. It felt so weird. I had placed a change on the setlist that no one knew about other than the crew. I didn't know how I was going to do this without Ryleigh or Beckett.
"I'm going to miss you. It's going to be weird having to fill in for you while you're gone." Jack said to me while holding my face.
I nodded and smiled up at him. I looked at Rian and went over to him holding out my hand in front of him. It was shaking back and forth as he realized what I did he wrapped me in a tight hug. Rian was the most painful one to leave probably because I knew once I was back home I couldn't come back. It would be a wake-up call.
"You took it. I'm also sorry. You don't have to leave. You can stay if you want to. I was just upset and a little sleep deprived. Logan, I mean it when I say I worry. I worry about you a lot because it's like watching someone you care for just lose themselves in front of you and you can't help. I want you to stay kid, I am going to need someone to help me bust them into shape." Rian tried to joke with me but it hurt.
I nodded and shrugged before giving off a small smile. I walked over to Zack and Ryleigh. Zack was tuning his bass while Ryleigh sat on a stage box. I shoved the stage box with her on it. Ryleigh grabbed onto the box as I chuckled. She laughed too before looking at me with those big sad eyes. Zack noticed it too.
"You know you don't have to leave right? Rian will get over it. Jesus if Jack left every time he and Alex fought or him and Rian we wouldn't have lasted but like 3 minutes." Zack laughed and it was the first time I think I heard him laugh.
"She knows that she is just being a hardass now," Ryleigh said and I pointed to the clock.
"Ready for this?" She asked and I nodded as we shook hands.
The music began to play and we went and stood at the side stage stairs. I hopped up and down as Ryleigh danced like an idiot. I laughed at her as Beckett came over and kissed my cheek making everyone awe or gag. He gave me a thumbs up. Ryleigh began to walk on stage as I ran over to Beckett kissing him on the lips. I wanted to be hurt again even if it was by him.
I then ran on stage as the music just ended and got myself situated. The guys stood at the side stages and cheered for us. Beckett brought Kolbi out with her earmuffs on. About halfway through our set, the music for one cover cut out that we couldn't play. I was ushered a mic and the cameras were pointed at me. I inhaled deeply and my hands shook now. I picked up the mic and held in my hands as Ryleigh was talking and pointing to her earpieces.
"H-hi. I know you don't see much of me but um, I'm Logan," I began as Ryleigh snapped her head at me from the center of the stage.
"I play the Piano in this group. I have made life really hard for people here recently. I was diagnosed with severe asthma and," The pictures on the screens changed from being on me to me in the dressing room hooked up to a breathing machine.
"It sucks. I'm not going to lie," I cleared my throat moving the mic away as Alex gave me a thumbs up from the side stage.
"I, um was asked to look at this piece earlier today so if um All Time Low would like to join us on stage. I'd like if we could play it."
Alex walked on stage smiling and waving. I held out the mic to him as he turned it off. He wrapped me in a tight hug and I held onto the back of his shirt grabbing it. Rian then walked out and climbed onto his drum kit. Zack gave Ryleigh a high five as Jack came over and joined mine and Alex's hug.
"Hey calm down. It's okay." Jack said to me as I nodded and looked at Alex and Jack.
I walked over to my piano and started to play a soft rhythm before everyone else started to overpower me. I smiled as Ryleigh and Alex sang. Alex came over to me at one point and pointed his mic right into my face. I shook my head as Zack came over to me and nudged me. I finally gave in as Alex walked away and began to sing along and it was shown on the screens causing Alex to rush over.