Go the fuck to bed.
I silently begged as I lay on the bed with Sebastian, running my fingers through his beautiful silky hair, willing him to finally close his damn eyes and freaking sleep already. We'd been lying this way for the past thirty or so minutes because Sebastian decided that instead of sleeping and making life easy on me, he'd rather stay awake talking about things I had to pretend to follow along to, and asking a million and one questions about baby sister. While he did so, I wondered if I should take him for a haircut, his bangs were falling over his eyes which was becoming quite annoying for him as we had never let his hair grow this long before.
I smiled at him, how much I loved him, toothless smile and all. I was sad to have missed that moment as it had happened while he was with Darcy. I remember how excited he was while talking on the phone with me and the fact that he was a big boy now because he didn't cry even one bit. And, didn't I think he was such a big boy now? So, obviously I told him he was the biggest and strongest boy in the whole world and that I had honestly never met a boy as strong as my Bastian. That made him laugh hysterically and all I could do is hold my tears in until I said goodnight to my kid and hung up the phone.
Usually I would gladly stay in bed with him while listening to him blabber on and on about so on and so forth, and didn't I think it was so funny how baby Arden would chase after him? But tonight was not it.
Currently, he had a hand on my tummy, anticipating with so much excitement, his baby sister's kicks. He loved feeling her kicks as they have gotten stronger this past month. Now that I was over seven months pregnant, it felt as though she was moving a lot more.
Not to say I wasn't happy about it, because I was over the moon in love with that little human I was cooking up in me. No, it wasn't it. It was the fact that I couldn't sleep properly and I had to wake up much more often now at night to pee. Which I now needed to do. So, if Sebastian could just be done talking to his baby sister so I could go and relieve myself, I would totally appreciate it.
"Bastian, mommy needs you to go bed now, okay?"
He frowned as he looked up at me. "But mommy, I'm talking to baby sister." He replied.
"You can talk to baby sister tomorrow, now you need to sleep so we can wake up rested to go to aunty Rose's party."
"But mommy, I just need to talk to baby a little bit more, okay?" I would have laughed if I were not trying to be serious.
"No, now you're going to sleep." I kissed his forehead and made a ridiculous attempt to gracefully get off the bed. I was thankful no one beside my kid was there to witness it.
"I don't want to go to sleep." He cried out. I didn't have it in me to listen to him fuss.
Oh, my God, Kid. Go To Fuck To Bed!
I wondered if they had a book by that name because I would have gladly bought it just for nights like this.
"Don't you want to go to aunty Rose's house and hangout with Levi and Arden?" I asked, turning the brightness of the lights down just the way he preferred it.
"Would Ella be there too? Daddy said Ella is my little sister and I have to be nice to her and play with her." My heart skipped involuntarily at the mention of James' daughter's name.
"I'm not so sure, Bastian." I said as I held the door of his bedroom open. "Now, sleep tight, my angel." And with that, I closed the door behind me and headed to my room.
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I of course knew that Bastian had already met her. James had asked me a while back if it were okay for him to introduce them as siblings and I, even though a little tiny selfish part of me was hesitant, still said yes. No matter what my feelings were on the matter, Sebastian had the right to know who she was to him.
Though our family was a little unconventional --to say the least-- I knew how James felt about Sebastian and I knew that once the children were much older and able to better understand, all would be clearly explained.
So I never worried, at least until later that evening when James had picked him up from school so that he could meet Ella, he told me that Sebastian had asked who Ella's mommy was and if she were his little sister, why wasn't I also her mommy. James admitted that the question took him by surprise because he didn't actually expect it to come out as the first question coming out of Sebastian right after the initial presentation.
I remember how over the moon Sebastian was, his own sister to play with all the time. At least that was before we had to explain that she wouldn't live with him even though he would get to see her sometimes. "But, why?" He had asked, seemingly confused. I had to tell him that she, Ella, would stay with "Daddy" for awhile --daddy being Darcy and papa being Royce-- and that's where she would be living, just like Levi lives with aunty Rose.
And I thought that explanation was enough, after all, he was only four-- almost 5 --years old going on thirty, I should have known his curiosity wouldn't end there.
I had been making dinner that night, spaghetti and meatballs, his absolute favorite. He could devour two plates when he was hungry enough and I had made sure he wouldn't be given a big snack so he could eat his meal.
He was sitting at the kitchen island, watching me place the plates for he and I when he asked "when is daddy coming back to live with us?"
Admittedly, I was not expecting that question. And, in my panic to find an appropriate answer to give him, I blurted out, "I don't know, probably never." I would have kicked myself if that would have taken the stupid out of me. Especially when I looked at him and saw the sadness on his face. I'm an idiot and I was probably not fit to be a mother. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and went to stand next to him. I kissed his temple and tried a smile.
"You want to feel the baby's kicks?" I tried as a peace offering between us. It was over a month prior and the "kicks" were barely noticeable, though Sebastian swore he could feel them. My little liar.
He shook his head no as a single tear fell on his cheek. I lifted his chin to see that he was almost crying. That broke my heart.
"I'm sorry baby, I didn't mean to make you sad. I just want you to know that daddy loves you very much and if he could be here then he would.
"Then why doesn't he come home?"
Fuck, how did I explain the fucked up situation we were in to a four years old child?
"Because he needs to take care of Ella for awhile, okay? It doesn't mean he doesn't love you."
He looked at me then, the sadness hadn't left his eyes. "I love daddy so much." That, that right there broke my heart. I grabbed on to my child and pulled him into me as tightly as I could.
"I love him too, baby. I love him too."
____________
That, you see, had had been over two months ago. And now, not knowing whether James would bring his daughter to Rose's Thanksgiving celebration had me anxious, if not a tad bit nervous.
I had never met the child nor the mother, not that I didn't want to, but this ridiculous part of me was scared that by my meeting her and seeing how real and truly present she was, it would seal everything. Yes, it was a stupid thing. It didn't matter whether I met her or not, she was part of his life, thus part of my child's life as well and I needed to wrap my mind around it sooner or later, preferably sooner. She was here, really here and tomorrow, I would finally meet the little human that is half of the man I loved.
Wondering about the dynamic between Sarah and James had been on my mind for awhile now, and not knowing was driving me insane, yet it wasn't my place to ask. I'd imagined trying to navigate this new dynamic from exes who hadn't seen each other in about four years, to a co-parenting relationship of a toddler in a matter of a few months, wouldn't be so easy on both of them. So I tried to keep my distance and give him (them) the space needed to do so.
I needed to find myself again, not to be so sad and angry anymore. And while you couldn't switch your feeling and emotions in a matter of seconds, pretending to be okay until I didn't feel like crying every waking moment was made a little easier with the fact that, if nothing good ever came out of our relationship, James gave me the greatest gift of all. To be a mommy a second time.
Now, I just hoped to God I would be able to hang on to that when I see them on Thanksgiving.
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Woot woot, we are caught up!!! The newest chapters coming next week. I'll keep the 2 chapter a week flow. 💜
P.S: Arden is Eva and Frederick's daughter. They are in my book Making Babies.