Chapter Song:
"Hey have you seen Liam," I yelled in Ty's ear trying to drown out the music.
We were at Riley's annual New Years Eve party. Except this year there was a theme and of course it was Gatsby. After all we were entering the roaring twenties.
"No I haven't seen him," he yelled back.
It was almost midnight. Riley had told me that all of us needed to be together by midnight. That was her one rule besides dressing up. He'd been missing all night and it was really annoying.
Come to think of it I hadn't seen him or Cal anywhere. Mason and Ty were dancing with a few of the senior girls. Riley was chatting with some of her bun heads.
"Riley!"
"It's me I'm here," she screamed back at me. "Have you seen Liam?" She yelled some more. She was about to break my ear drum if she kept it up.
"No! I haven't seen Cal either!" I yelled back.
"Let's just get Mason and Ty outside and well call them yeah?"
I nodded and went back to the makeshift dance floor in her living room. I had to drag them by their collars to get them outside. I think they liked it a little bit.
"Oh my god it's so quiet out here," Mason sighed happily looking around.
There were a few stragglers lingering outside but other than that everyone seemed to be inside enjoying all the booze and other festivities.
"Okay I texted Liam and Cal and I think they are coming. Everyone grab a sparkler," Riley instructed.
She wanted us to light our sparklers and do the countdown. We also wrote something we were afraid of and something we were excited for in the new year. We were all going to burn it in the fire pit together. It sounded super corny but it made her happy so we couldn't say no.
"Ten...Nine..." we heard everyone yell from inside as Riley lit my sparkler.
"Where are they," Ty groaned. I think he was mad they weren't here participating and he was.
"Ahhhhhh," I heard Liam yell announcing himself. I didn't see it in all the commotion of helping light the sparklers.
"Three...two.... Happy New Year!"
Finally I looked around in all the commotion. There were fire works blasting everyone was screaming. I think someone popped a bottle of her parents champagne inside. Which I didn't think they'd be too happy about once the got back from Australia.
I tried to look for Liam again and my heart stopped.
I dropped the sparkler and my letter in front of me. I think I heard Riley scold me saying something about the grass hit I didn't care. I also didn't really hear her over the sound of my shattering heart.
The only thing I could focus on were the two people in front of me lips locked on one another. I turned away and ran before I could do anything worse. I heard Riley shouting after me and her footsteps followed.
I had to get out of here I couldn't breathe. I tried to take deep breaths but I couldn't get enough air. I think I tripped over my own feet because the next thing I knew was feeling the wet grass against my bare legs. It was cold.
"Kenny what's going on?" Riley shook me snapping me out of my daze.
"She..he..they," I huffed. The words couldn't come out no matter how hard I tried.
"They who what?" Riley sat on the grass next to me licking eyes with me
"He kissed her Riley! Cal kissed Natalie," I let a tear slip that I tdidnt know I was holding onto.
It was like my worst nightmare had come true. I didn't think he was into her that way. At least a small part of me hoped that he was still into me. At least I thought he was because of the Christmas present he gave me.
"Wait what?" She looked astonished.
"I turned looking for Liam because I heard him yelling and I saw them, they were kissing. Lips locked and everything. He never mentioned anything about them but I don't know," I sighed sobbing some more into my hands.
I don't know why I even cared. We weren't together. But just seeing that made my heart stop and my stomach drop. I felt like I got punched in the stomach. I wanted to throw up.
He said he didn't want to date anyone or that he was interested in anyone. Maybe he finally changed his mind about me. He had every right to.
"It's because you love him Ken," she soothes me.
"What?"
"You said all that out loud," she gave me a small smile.
"I did?" My eyes grew wide in terror. Sure it was only Riley my best friend but still.
"Yes, Ken. I know you guys aren't together but it doesn't mean you don't have feelings for the guy anymore."
"But I'm over him." I stated. "Yeah I'm over him. Besides I never even told him I loved him like that" I sounded like I was trying to convince myself more than her.
"Do you know how long it took you to admit that you liked him. Of course you don't realize that you love him but you do"
"No I can't. That just complicates things way to much," I shook my head. Nope I can't. Not possible.
"What's so complicated about it?" She scoffed as if it was the most ridiculous thing she ever heard.
"Well for starters I'm waiting to here back from Columbia or the abroad program. Two I'm pretty sure he only sees me as one of his best friends or like a sister or something," I scoffed. "Three he was kissing Natalie I think that means he's into her."
"How are you going to know if you don't tell him?" She wondered. I knew what she was trying to do.
"I don't know Riles I think it's useless," I shuddered at the thought. "But what's the point of all of this. It's tiring going back and forth. We have to stop playing these games," I groaned throwing myself back on the grass.
"Kenny, you keep saying you're going to let things go and you're not. You're just bottling it up deep down." She looked me in the eyes. "Remember last year when I told you you're in the deep end with Cal?"
I nodded. I didn't get what that had to do with anything.
"You love him. You're in deep, babe. You keep letting things brush off but your sinking deeper. And soon you're not going to be able to swim back up to the surface."
She was right.
I don't know what to do with that. I love Cal? It can't be true though. I mean of course I love Cal he's a great friend and had always been there for me.
But whenever I see him I still get nervous or giddy. I like how he feels like part of home and no matter what we have each others backs. He was so incredibly kind and thoughtful. He was my goofy next door neighbor. My best friend.
But it just fucking sucked seeing them kiss. I didn't even know he was into anyone. But I mean I feel like he would have told me. I hate that I couldn't get him out of my head and-
"Hold shit I think I love him," I said aloud.
"What are you doing here go find him! Go confess your love for him! It's just like a rom com yes," Riley squealed helping me up.
"I will look for fifteen minutes and if I can't find him I'm going home and accepting defeat," I told her. "I owe myself that much."
She tried to argue with me that it wasn't a realistic goal. I had to tell her that I wasn't going to search all night for him. If I found him I would say it but if not I had to accept that he did have feelings for Natalie and I respected it.
I was greeted with the warmth inside the house and began my search. I set the timer on my phone and started in the kitchen. I walked upstairs into a few bedrooms and found nothing.
"Have you seen Cal," I asked a few of the lacross boys. One of them mentioned him being outside still, but I didn't see him or any of the boys out there.
I did one last sweep and my heart was growing heavier. When I was about to use her side kitchen door my phone started vibrating. At first my heart rushed thinking he was calling me. It dropped as soon as I saw that it was just my timer.
I couldn't convince myself to stay longer and find him, but no. We've played this game too long and it was exhausting. If I couldn't find him I had to accept that we were better off as just friends.
We couldn't keep doing this to eachother. We both deserved to be happy and not constantly pushing and pulling eachother. It was exhausting for both of us. We should be worried about other things not just eachother. My heart just couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to put his heart through any of that either. He didn't deserve it.
I pulled out my phone with a heavy sigh walking towards the front of the house. I could feel the tears coming and I really wished they wouldn't. As soon at the familiar soothing voice answered the phone I couldn't help but sob.
"Dad," I cried.