Nick felt inexplicably nervous. He hadn't spoken to Brian since that weekend, and the thought of calling him up now, nearly three weeks later, made him feel slightly sick. But he knew he had to. He couldn't just leave things like this. He considered just texting, but that felt so impersonal.
Brian picked up after only a couple of rings. 'Nick!' He sounded almost breathless. 'Hey!'
Nick found himself smiling. 'Hey. Is this a bad time?'
'Not at all. I was hoping you'd call. I've been . . .' He seemed to pause, and Nick waited. 'I'm sorry. I really fucked up, didn't I?'
Nick sighed. He didn't know how to answer that. Brian both had and hadn't. Nick was the one who had truly fucked up.
'I'm really glad you called,' said Brian softly. 'I . . . I miss you.'
'Yeah . . . Listen . . .'
'You're breaking this off.'
Nick blinked, surprised. He hadn't expected that. He bit his lip and said, 'I think I have to. I'm sorry.'
'No. No, it's okay. I get it.'
There was a pause. 'I think I may have some stuff at yours,' said Nick at last. 'And . . . I'd like to, you know, see you. Say goodbye. Is that okay?'
'Yeah, of course.' Brian's voice was soft, but he sounded like he was smiling. Nick could picture that smile clearly. It was a kind smile.
'Thought I might come up to Birmingham, this weekend maybe, if you're free? Just for a day?'
'Got a gig on Friday,' said Brian. 'But I'm free Saturday. That work for you?'
'Yeah, that should be fine,' said Nick. 'I'll . . . I'll let you know when I'm on my way.'
'Yeah. See you then.'
* * *
Now that they had slept together once, even though they hadn't gone all the way, it was hard for Dave to keep his hands off Patrick. He hadn't wanted anyone this badly since the early days of his and Nick's relationship. He had long since discarded the notion that he was only gay for Nick. Clearly, he was just generally gay, because he had never wanted a girl this way.
So the weekend after, instead of going out, they stayed in. Dave's father had a business dinner to attend in London, and his mother had gone with him to spend time with a friend from her school days who lived there, so they had the run of the house for the whole weekend if they so wished.
When his boyfriend showed up Friday night (and Dave wasn't yet used to thinking of Patrick as his boyfriend, though it sent a thrill through him when he thought it), Dave was tempted to dispense with any preamble and just get him into his bed. He felt that might be rude, though, and instead they ordered a pizza and drank a couple of ciders while watching a movie. Dave put his arm around Patrick's shoulders, and Patrick snuggled up to him with a contented sigh.
When they had eaten, the film was soon forgotten, however, and they ended up lying on the sofa, Patrick on top, both of them panting and hard.
'Wanna go to bed?' Dave murmured, and Patrick nodded. Dave turned the TV off, and they fairly ran up the stairs and fell into Dave's bed.
Patrick instigated this time, undressing Dave clumsily, and then himself down to his pants, before nestling between Dave's legs and taking him into his mouth.
'Fuck . . .' Dave hissed, running his fingers through Patrick's auburn hair. He found that if he pulled at it just a little bit, Patrick let out a pleased hum that reverberated through Dave's cock and up his spine, and he swore again. 'You are way too fucking good at that for someone who's hardly done it before . . .'
Patrick looked up at him, eyes smiling, and the sight nearly pushed Dave over the edge already. Patrick took his mouth off him before that could happen, though. 'Guess you just bring it out in me,' he said with a mischievous grin. On hands and knees, he crawled up the bed until he and Dave were face to face, and kissed him deeply, lying down on top of him. He was still wearing his pants, and the cotton teased at Dave's erection. Then he pressed his forehead against Dave's shoulder with a sigh. 'You make me really hot, Dave.'
Dave pressed a kiss to his temple and put his arms around him. 'I can tell,' he murmured. 'And, likewise. In case you hadn't noticed.'
Patrick laughed softly. 'I have.' He raised his head and looked into Dave's eyes again. 'Hey . . .' He licked his lips. 'Do you . . . I mean, would you . . .' He seemed to hesitate and looked away. 'Fuck, I don't know how to ask for this.'
Dave smiled and kissed him softly. 'Just ask.'
Patrick shut his eyes before meeting Dave's gaze again. 'Do you want to fuck me?'
Dave groaned, closing his eyes. 'God, are you really asking me that? Fuck yes. But . . . only if you're ready for it.'
'I am. I think.' Patrick blushed. 'I actually . . . washed. Before coming. Just, you know . . . in case.'
Dave growled in the back of his throat and rolled them over so he was on top of Patrick, and kissed him again, deeply. 'If you want me to stop, I'll stop,' he said. 'So, just tell me. Okay?'
Patrick nodded.
Dave kissed his way down Patrick's body, until he reached the waistband of his pants and pulled them off. Patrick was rock hard, and Dave took him into his mouth for a little bit, tasting his pre-cum on his tongue. Then he leaned across the bed, opening the drawer in his nightstand and pulling out lube and a condom.
Patrick's response to Dave's fingers was spectacular. He arched his back and grasped at the sheets, whimpering.
'You okay?' Dave asked, and Patrick nodded. 'Tell me if it hurts.'
'A . . . a little bit, but . . . Holy shit . . . I want you.'
That was all the encouragement Dave needed, and soon he was pressing himself into Patrick, who groaned, eyes shut tight.
'Slow! Go slow . . . Fuck . . .'
Dave did as he was asked, slowly, gently sliding in with shallow thrusts while Patrick gasped beneath him. 'Stop! Stop, just . . . wait. Okay, keep going.'
A year and bit ago, Dave had been new at this, and his first few times with Nick had been clumsy and messy and painful, but good too. Now, he was more experienced, and knew what he was doing, better able to pace himself, take it easy and slow, though his arms trembled with the exertion of holding himself up, when all he wanted was to thrust full force.
Then he was finally all the way inside. Patrick felt so hot around him. 'You okay?'
Patrick nodded. 'Yeah.'
'Are you in pain?'
'No. Not exactly. It feels . . . strange.'
'You're really tight . . . Just, try to relax.' Dave moved experimentally, carefully, and Patrick moaned.
'Fuck, shit, fuck! Wait . . .' Dave stilled again, and Patrick took a few deep breaths. 'Okay.'
Eventually, he was able to pick up the pace, and as he lowered himself onto his elbows and kissed Patrick, Patrick put his arms around him, fingers digging into his flesh. His eyes were shut tight, his cheeks flushed, his breathing coming in short, ragged bursts, accompanied by the occasional moan. He looked indescribably hot, and Dave knew he wouldn't be able to hold on for long.
'God, you feel good! I'm . . . I'm close,' he breathed, and Patrick groaned in response. Dave reached between them, taking hold of Patrick's cock and stroking.
'Fuck . . . I'm gonna come!' Patrick hissed through gritted teeth, and then he did, Dave following almost immediately, because Patrick had become almost impossibly tight around him. He collapsed on top of his boyfriend and kissed the sweat from his brow.
'You okay?' he asked after a few moments. 'Did I hurt you?'
Patrick shook his head and smiled. 'No. It was good. I mean, I have . . . played . . . before, so . . . But this was . . .' he sighed, 'so much better.'
The thought of Patrick fingering his own arse was almost enough to make Dave hard again, but he was spent, and after a few moments he pulled out and disposed of the condom, lying down on his back next to Patrick. They lay like that for a little while, not touching. Then Dave turned his head and looked at Patrick, and found him looking back.
'Was it okay for you?' asked Patrick, and Dave laughed, because of course it was.
'Much better than okay.' He rolled over on his side and kissed Patrick's lips. 'It was amazing.'
Patrick kissed him back, and they spent several minutes just languorously making out, until they had to get up and go clean themselves off in the bathroom. In the end, they decided to take a shower together. Dave washed Patrick's hair. He thought this might be his favourite part of his boyfriend; his soft, gorgeous hair. That, and his hazel eyes, which looked so green just then. He told him as much, and Patrick laughed.
'You're weird,' he said.
'Why? What's your favourite part of me?'
Patrick kissed his neck. 'This,' he whispered. 'And these.' He kissed Dave's lips. 'And this.' His hand cupped Dave's dick, which was half hard again already, and he grinned.
'Those are good choices,' Dave conceded. Then he reached around and grabbed a handful of Patrick's naked arse. 'This is fairly high on my list, too, come to think of it.' They both dissolved into a fit of giggles.
* * *
'So you haven't always just topped?' Patrick lay stretched out on his back on Dave's bed, still naked, but spent.
'No. Haven't bottomed in, like, over a year, though.' Dave sat down next to him, running his fingers lightly down Patrick's chest.
Patrick giggled and grabbed his hand. 'That tickles!' He brought Dave's hand to his lips and kissed his palm. 'Do you miss it?'
'I dunno,' said Dave. 'Haven't really thought about it much. I would totally do it if you asked . . .'
Patrick flushed and looked away. 'I dunno . . . Think I like it too much the way things are, to be honest. I'd get jealous if we did it the other way around.' He sat up and kissed Dave on the mouth.
Dave was often amazed at how soft Patrick's lips were. All of him was soft. Lips, hair, skin . . . Soft, warm hands. Dave found himself wanting those hands on him, and put his arms around Patrick, kissing him back, sliding his tongue along his lips, urging him to open his mouth, which Patrick did happily with a content sigh. They lay down, facing one another, letting hands roam over bodies, lips roam over skin, and soon Dave was as hard as he had been half an hour ago. So was Patrick.
'Thank fuck for teenage stamina . . .' Dave murmured, and Patrick laughed softly.
'My arse is pretty sore, though, if I'm honest.'
'Well, there are other things we can do.' Dave kissed him again. 'We have hands. And mouths.'
'Mm, I like the way you think.' Patrick pulled him closer kissed his neck. 'I love this so much. Being here, with you. You know that?'
Dave smiled. There were so many things he wanted to say just then, but instead he just said, 'Yeah. Me too.'
After they had cleaned up, while getting dressed, Patrick said, 'I've made a decision.'
Dave wrapped a towel around his waist. 'Oh? What about?'
'I'm done hiding.' Patrick straightened up and met his eye. 'I want to be able to walk down the corridors at school holding your hand, and kiss you whenever I want to. No one really cared when you came out, and those who did got over it. The ones I'm already out to don't give a shit either. I don't know what I've been so afraid of. I mean, we'll see what I do about my family when the time comes, but they're miles away, so . . .'
Dave put his arms around him. 'I'm proud of you.'
'It's all because of you.' Patrick hugged him back, tightly. 'Thank you.'
* * *
Nick arrived in Birmingham around two in the afternoon. Brian met him at the bus stop, and instead of heading straight to his flat, they went to a Wetherspoon's for a meal and a pint. Brian ordered for them and no one checked Nick's ID.
'So, how are you doing?' asked Brian once they were seated. 'You okay?'
Nick shrugged. 'All right, considering. How about you?'
Brian nodded. 'Yeah, not too bad.' Pause. 'How's the band? Gotten any more gigs?'
'Yeah. Playing at a nightclub in Sapswell at the end of November. The only nightclub in Sapswell, really. Okay place, I think.'
'Playing for the door, or?'
'No, believe it or not. Actually getting paid by the venue. Six hundred quid.'
'Nice!'
When they had eaten, they walked to Brian's place, making small talk along the way. When they got there, Dom was in the sitting room with his Les Paul. He got up when Nick entered and gave him a hug.
'If it isn't my favourite singer!' he said. 'Brian keeps saying we should do a split gig together again, but I'm against it. You outshine me, and it's not fair!' He grinned and ruffled Nick's hair.
Nick returned his grin. 'Hey, Dom. You all right?'
'Yeah, can't complain.'
'We'll be in my room,' Brian told him, and Dom rolled his eyes.
'Of course you will. Keep it down, okay? It's the middle of the day, and I'm sober.'
Brian seemed to have tidied his bedroom since Nick had been there last. His bed was made, and his clothes were actually in the closet instead of piling up on the floor.
'Like what you've done with the place,' said Nick.
'Yeah, it was getting pretty bad.' Brian scratched the back of his neck. 'Can I get you anything? A beer?'
'No, thank you.' Nick sat down on the bed.
'Oh, here's your stuff.' Brian handed him a plastic bag.
It contained a hoodie and a t-shirt that Nick had left there, as well as a bracelet. A silver plate engraved with a delicate leaf pattern, on a thick, brown leather thong. Nick picked it up and looked at it. It was the one Dave had given him, the first Christmas they were together. He had worn it almost every day since, but had taken it off the first time he visited Brian after the break-up. Nick quickly stuffed it back into the bag, hiding it beneath the t-shirt. 'Thank you.'
'No worries.' Brian sat down next to him on the bed. 'So, after what happened . . . Would it be bad form for me to toke up while you're here?'
Nick shook his head. 'Not if you share. I still smoke. Well, smoked. Out of pot.'
Brian reached into the drawer of his nightstand and pulled out a medium sized ziplock bag, full of weed. He handed it to Nick. 'Here. A parting gift.'
Nick considered not taking it. But marijuana wasn't dangerous, he decided. And it helped with his anxiety. He accepted, hiding it in the bottom of his bag.
They shared a joint, leaning back on the bed, side by side.
'Think it would be okay if I came to your gig in Sapswell?' Brian asked. 'Just as an audience member, not to . . . I still think you guys are really good. I want to keep helping, if I can.' He passed the joint.
'Of course you can come,' said Nick, accepting it from him. 'It's not like . . . It's not like we can never see each other again. We just have to stop . . . this.'
'Yeah. Don't think I can talk to you face to face for a while, though. Might be a bit hard not to kiss you.'
Nick smiled faintly. 'Yeah?' He passed the joint back.
'Yeah.' Brian took a hit. Then he glanced at Nick, turned towards him, and hesitantly leaned in. When Nick didn't move away, he placed a chaste kiss on his lips. Nick sighed. 'Was . . . Was that okay?' Brian asked. It was strange, he seemed almost shy now.
Nick nodded. 'Yeah. Yeah, that was fine.' He licked his lips, looking away. He felt suddenly extremely turned on. 'We could . . . If you want to. One last time. Maybe?'
'Do you want to?'
'Let's finish smoking first.'
They did so in silence, and when the joint was gone, they looked at each other again. Nick rolled over on top of Brian and kissed him. 'I don't hold any of it against you,' he whispered against his lips. 'We both fucked up. But . . . I really do believe you were only trying to give me what I needed.'
Brian raised his head and kissed him back, deeper, licking into his mouth. He ran his hands up under Nick's t-shirt, kissed his neck, his jaw, his earlobe. Nick released a shuddering breath and rolled his hips against Brian's, receiving a low groan for his efforts. Nick could feel that Brian was hard, and began to fumble with his belt.
Brian took his hands. 'Are you sure you want to do this?'
Nick hesitated. 'Are you?'
Brian sighed. 'No.' He sat himself up, put his arms around Nick, and hugged him. 'You know,' he whispered, 'I was really starting to fall in love with you. But you couldn't fall in love with me. Could you?'
Nick bit his lip and shook his head. 'No.'
'Then I think we'd better leave it like this.' Brian let go and Nick climbed off him with a sigh. 'Come on,' said Brian. 'I'll walk you to the bus.'
They walked to the bus stop in relative silence. While they waited, they talked about their respective bands, their music, new albums that were coming out from musicians they liked.
'I'll miss you, you know,' said Brian as the bus arrived.
'Yeah. I'll miss you too,' said Nick, and he meant it. His relationship with Brian had not been healthy, but it had not been entirely without its good sides either. In the end, they had cared about one another, even though they had gone about showing it in entirely the wrong way.
They parted with one last kiss, and then Nick got on his bus and went home.