Two years have passed since I lost my purpose to live.Yes,sometimes you have to accept other things no matter how hard they are and try to move on but I swear I'm failing miserably.
Since that tragic day of bidding my goodbye to Kian ,I felt like nothing really disserves my attention in the future except my family who don't really understand what's happening with my life.I hate talking about anything to do with him, don't get me wrong and say I hate him but maybe I do . I can't tell what I feel about him,maybe I miss him or maybe I hate him for allowing himself to leave me even after we agreed we will be together through all the good,best and the ugly.
Did he really give up on us?
Maybe it was the best thing he could've done to me.Who knows?
I was sitting under a random flower tree that's in our clean compound that looks lifeless to me.No,its so beautiful ,I'm the one who sees everything lifeless since that day ,that day when I hugged him for the last time,that day I saw him smiling for the last time we were together.i didn't notice my mum sitting next to me till she enveloped me in a tight hug,tears slipped down my face before hugging her back.
I felt guilty for worrying her that much.This is because ,she knows nothing that's happening with me since the last two years and of course today was his memorial day.Only one out of all my eight siblings knows my misery,and since she's a nurse and busy always ,she has no idea how tiny I have grown,how much I don't smile lately and how I look miserable.
Mother pulls away and looks at my glass eyes which I try so hard to hold tears in them.
"Hey,whats wrong sweetie?You're worrying me .You know I am your mother,and I'm tired of nothing as your answer daily,youve grown to be more quiet at each passing day"more tears fall freely from my eyes ,I don't even bother wiping them away,maybe I needed that hug the most and maybe I thought her warmth will take all my worries away but they added to it because I saw her teary face which reminded me of Kian's granny , how she cried that day given she had raised him in his whole life.
"Sweetie talk to me,i am your mother and I love you"she said while pulling me close to her more.
Maybe I had judged my mum wrongly by her strictness and thought she won't understand what I was going through given I am her last born and only twenty years old now.Its expected of me to have no boyfriend till I finish my university education and secure a job,that is a year remaining .I fight with my conscious not to mention anything and tell and give her the 'nothing'answer again but I guess it's going to make her stressed about me more.
That makes me sob even more."Mum,is it okey to have a boyfriend at this age,you know I am twenty rightnow"I ask her .
She smiles and then answers "is that why you seem off since the past two years,because you expect me to say no to you?No baby,you can have a boyfriend,if that's what makes you happy "
By her saying that I cry even more,all the past three years I kept my relationship with Kian a secret ,my sister who is only a year older than me is the only one who knew I had a boyfriend and I loved him ,she knew him two weeks after I fell in love with him and they even used to talk .She however never got the opportunity to see him face to face since we both study in different universities.I wish I would open up to her but I couldn't even manage a word coming out of my mouth.
So I did the only thing that came in my mind,standing and running to my room and then locking it.
I felt bad for my mother,i love her and I don't want to worry her and drag her into my problems considering her age,i always want to make her happy and seeing her smile is my only concern.
She being the determined woman she is came after me and knocked on my door three times.Opening it I envelop her in the tightest hug and smile through my puffy and red eyes in order to assure her i am fine.
"Mum I am okey ,you don't have to worry about me you know,take care of your health and remain strong for us ,I'm only stressed about my college life and afraid of whatever the future holds for me."
Mother being a retired teacher knows wherever I am lying though almost everything was true .I was worried of never having a family since my love life shuttered my family dreams ,I felt sorry for my unborn children who won't have an opportunity to see the world because their mother won't get another man in her life to call her husband again,i felt sorry for my mother who won't see her grandchildren and I felt bitter for everything because of the man I loved and I still do of course.
"What about the future mama?"
"Mother I loved a guy,he was handsome and had qualities for a good boyfriend,we even planned our future together,and guess what?He ...He did not fight for us the last time I was with him ."
Mother looks at me with tears in her eyes"I'm sorry sweetie,I'm so sorry,did he leave for another girl?Do I know him?"I shake my head in response."I haven't believed yet that Kian is no more,I always believe he's somewhere and one day he is going to come and we would start a family.
"No mother ,Kian died...mother he died,he never fought in order to live for us,he gave up and stopped breathing ma' ...you know,i begged him that day ,he had only promised that he will come out alive and then we will be together forever.You never saw him mother,he died smiling and telling me to be strong,that even if he won't be there he will always love me forever and always.That he wished to hold our first kid and bring you a present for raising me for him,but imagine what mum....he..he..never did that mama,he never "
I cried harder ,my mother was doing the best to assure me that everything will be okey and that Kian would frown if he sees me miserable and that he always wants me to be strong for him so I am failing him and I need to be happy for his sake.
All those moments my mother was holding me ,and sitting by my bed,in a hug..I don't know how long we had been that way but I was feeling weak and drowsy and so I closed my eyes .
I heard mother sobbing and muttering "I miss my Spence.God please make her happy for me"before I drifted to sleep.
That sleep however never lasted for I had a dream about him,my Kian was there I swear I saw him ,he was hugging me and kissing my forehead saying everything is okey .
But he was not there when I turned to hug him back,he was not there cause I spoke to him but he gave no reply,looking at my phone his messages dated back to two years ago.
Taking my phone I went through all the messages he had sent me,all the argument we had through the phone were there,i wish I had a time machine and I wish I knew he couldn't last that long,i won't have argued with him that much,i could trade anything to make it up for him.i would have made his life easy and simple and all smiley.If I knew it I would have atleast not fallen for him and I won't be hurt the way I am at this moment.
"I want to be with you Kian,i am tired of this life you know,all I want is to hug you again and kiss you ,I want to fall asleep watching Netflix in your bed again , I want to be in your arms again.I want to hear you laughing,talking about us,i want to see you smiling baby please"the words came out of my mouth followed by tears,i tried to stop the tears but I couldn't.
Anger boiled inside of me as my heart shuttered even more remembering him and the image of him lying lifeless in his bed flashed in my face,it was like everything replayed itself in slow motion again,very fresh in my eyes.
Why did you let me love you?why did I even let my stupid heart love you Kian ,I was only seventeen about to turn eighteen when I met you, I was young Kian ,I was never even old enough to fall in love ,you were twenty by then?why didn't you refrain yourself from loving an underage clumsy girl?why did you build all hopes in me?
I wish he was here to answer all those questions.But he was not there so the questions only flowed in my head torturing me in every way possible.That moment I felt like dying,dying is the only solution to end my problems cause I will live haunted in my whole life if I stay alive.
I remember how I prayed to God to let you live,i remember how your granny was looking worried but tried to retain a cool nature in order to make me feel better while I saw in her eyes the opposite of her hope,i remember that stupid doctor who told me you will recover ,that you won't die no matter what and that your sickness was only a small condition that would heal after two days.Now I blame myself I hoped for the best,i of course never knew you would die .
I remember your smile while telling me that morning that your granny,you and I are heading to a vacation in France once you get well ,but seems you forgot it and decided you rather rest than be with my annoying self .
How I hugged and kissed your lifeless vulnerable self that morning while screaming at the doctors and the nurses to give you life .How I begged them not to take you away that day and not to put you in that pathetic morgue .
I remember how they pulled me and took me away by force while taking your body away,i wish that car I ran into that very day would have killed me ,I wish I had died the same day with you cause we would be together right now .
I blamed everything that is keeping me alive.Slowly I lied in my bed praying that I may wake up dead the following morning and find my Kian waiting for me so that we stay there together again without worrying of dying again in our new life.
🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸
Hey beautiful people
Chapter one is finally over.
Did I make you cry ?😂 Sorry my bad 🤣🤣so sorry if any scene made you cry there
Please show your love and keep reading my book,it might not be that thrilling but I will write better chapters ahead.
💞
Love you all (many love and kissing emojis)