Flashback
"What do you want to achieve by meeting with me?" My new therapist, Iyanla asked.
"I just want to get over my past, heal from it and be the best mother I can be for my kids." I responded, this was my first session and i didn't know what to expect. She had asked me to bring some baby pictures of myself, some photos of my family, as well as pictures of my children. i didn't understand her reasoning for asking me to bring the pictures, but i didn't question her.
"In order to get into the depth of your pain, we have to start where it all began." she smiled, grabbing a picture of me as a baby. "the womb, your first home, where your mother catered for your every need for 9 months until you were brought into this world. where do you believe the energy shifted." I grabbed the picture of me at around 3-4 years old, it was me and my sister. She was smiling brightly, while holding a lollipop and i was standing far behind her, smiling as well.
"i started noticing early on that my mother didn't really care for me, i noticed that when she started leaving me at home all the time, she always took my lil sister places, showed her off but as far as me, she didn't really spend time with me and it always seemed like she was disgusted in me. she just made me feel like she didn't like me and i felt like a burden." I should've never felt like that as a child but at the age of 4 i noticed how i was being treated and i just wanted my mother to love me.
"How did that make you feel? Knowing that your mother, the one who carried you for 9 months, the one who was supposed to love and protect you, didn't even like you." She grabbed my hands, standing in front of me. "Come on, let it out." I sighed, feeling the tears sting my eyes.
"i felt like i wasn't good enough. i just wanted her to love me and treat us all equally... i don't know what i did wrong." i cried, leaning forward.
"Who protected you, beloved?"
"Nobody, i had my brother but we were all young, he couldn't protect me from everything." I spoke, she lifted my head, grabbing my face.
"You're broken, and we need to clean that up because as mothers, we put into our children, our blood, sweat and fears. We have to get this under control before your children walk in your same footsteps... they'll be scared of the world, vulnerable, and numb." She cradled me in her arms as she spoke my worst fear too me.
"I don't want my girls to be like me, I want to be better for them." I cried, holding her close to me.
3 months later
"Heaven, come on crawl to mommy." I coached, watching my baby army crawl towards me.
"Go sissy, GOOOOOO." Raegan cheered, making heaven go into a fit of laughter. "Now let me see you crawl, crawl, crawl, crawl." She sang, remixing Santana's song.
I laughed, grabbing heaven, kissing her cheeks and plopping us onto the couch. "Raegan what do you want a little sister or brother." I asked, letting her rub my growing baby bump.
"I want a brother, mommy." She cheesed. "BABY BROTHER YOU HEAR ME." she yelled, putting her ear to my stomach.
"What do you think daddy wants?" I asked, watching keraun come downstairs.
"Daddy wants a healthy baby." he said, laying across my lap, rubbing my stomach with raegan.
"Babababa" Heaven babbled, jumping in my arms.
"Somebody wants attention." he said, grabbing her and throwing her in the air and catching her.
"don't do that, cause if you drop her..." i warned, moving him out of my lap. struggling just a little, i got up and walked towards the kitchen "i'm going to cook dinner, raegan are you coming." I asked, hearing her run behind me.
My little helper
These past 3 months has been healing to say the least. I've been going to my therapy sessions 2 times a week and i've been able to understand what's happened to me and how it's appearing in my life now. I'm a runner. When things get rough, i run away from my problems and i don't face them head on. I've learned that my heart isn't defined by how other people feel about me. i've been dealing with my own demons and i'm more happier than i've ever been. I'm finally enjoying this pregnancy, and keraun is as happy as me. When he came home, i gave him the pregnancy test and he was so excited. He can't wait to be a father again to our little princess or prince and i can't wait either. I've been asked to be the brand ambassador for brands like Fashion Nova, Pretty Little Thing, etc. and i'm able to make money from home just by promoting these companies. I'm just so overwhelmed with joy and i'm grateful for everything that i've been through because now i'm at my happily ever after.
"Y'all me and reagan are making steaks with broccoli and baked potatoes." i said, watching the comments scroll in through my live. "my sweet baby, wanna be a ballet dancer, a cook, a hairstylist and a princess." i laughed, supervising raegan stuff the potatoes.
I kissed her cheek, leaving her to her work while i watched the food i had cooking.
"congratulations to her." i smiled, watching the comments scroll in, saying that my sister had her son. i've learned through my healing process that i have to let go, i've forgiven my sister and my mother for all they've put me through and i no longer desire to have a relationship with either of them. i can't have their negative energy around me or my kids. it's best to just let all the pain they've caused me go because if i hold onto it, i'll be just as bitter and mad just like them.
"where is heaven?" i read aloud. "heaven is with her daddy, probably talking his ears off." i laughed.
heaven has grown so much throughout these months, she is finally off her c-pap monitor and she's developing at the rate she's supposed too. Her doctors are surprised at her growth and believe that she is a miracle and she is. She's starting to learn how to crawl, grasp things and she's teething now. My little princess is just thriving, with her sister.
KNOCK KNOCK
"alright y'all i gotta go, my ghetto behind friends bouta come in here and who knows what'll come outta there mouth." i ended the live and went back to cooking
BANG BANG
"Keraun, open the door. that's amber and raven." i yelled, while i seasoned my steaks.
"what took you so long to answer, jackass." i already knew it was raven and i knew her and keraun were bound to argue. It was their way of showing their love for each other.
"auntie." i heard, before i seen my niecy pooh run into my kitchen.
"niece." i laughed, picking her up and kissing her all over her chunky face. "your trifling mama ain't let me know you were here, omg i've missed you chunk."
"i missed you too auntie." she smiled, laying her head on my shoulder. raegan forgot all about the potatoes and jumped off her stool, wanting me to put Paris down so i did.
"cousin." raegan smiled, wrapping her little arms around Paris. "let's go play." they giggled, before skipping out of the kitchen.
"raegan what about helping mommy cook?" i playfully questioned, watching her come back and poke her head into the kitchen.
"mommy." she dramatically sighed. "ima be right back." she smiled, coming up to me and pointing to her cheek for a kiss. after kissing her cheek, she skipped out again.
"AM BABY, MY GIRLS." she yelled, while i laughed, shaking my head at her grown self.
"get off of me." i heard and i knew it was raven and keraun arguing. they all came into the kitchen and keraun had raven in a headlock while she had a grip on his beard. "i'm tapping out, let me go." she yelled. he let her go and walked out, raven had to get her last work so she jumped at him, dusting herself off. "punk." she whispered, sitting on the stool in front of me.
Amber just shook her head, holding a bouncing heaven in her arms. "how's my nephew." she smiled, coming over and rubbing my growing belly. i grabbed some pink moscato and sat some glasses in front of them, before filling them.
"whatever this baby is, is fine and healthy." i said, wrapping the potatoes in foil before throwing them into the oven and taking a seat a long with them. "so why am i just finding out that my niece is back home." i questioned
"girl... she's been home for a month now." i looked at her shocked, like wow. "i know.. i know, but i was going to eventually tell you but me and herb were busy trying to set a schedule for when he'd have her and how we'd get her comfortable enough to be around him alone." i nodded my head, understanding. even though i was a tiny bit hurt, i knew they both needed their own time with paris.
"so how did it go, is she warming up to him."
"chile, Paris is a daddy's girl." she laughed. "everyday it's can i see my daddy, daddy this, daddy that. you know she already knew who he was and since i've told him, he's been adamant on having a relationship with her, so they've been facetimeing and talking almost everyday since. he let the dna test thing go and he's just been a good father to her."
"and you?" i busted out laughing after amber asked her question.
"shut up." she mugged, punching amber in the arm. "i don't know what she's talking about." she chuckled, before taking a sip of her moscato.
"sure you don't." i smiled, going back to watching my food.
"i don't, we talk here and there and he might stay over for paris but that's it. he called her today and showed her, her baby brother. he's a cute little thing, i have no problem with her being around her brother but her mother, hell
no."
"Raven, you really need to forgive and just let it go." i sighed.
"you might be ready for that healing process shit but i'm not, that girl still talk about my baby to this day and i can't have her around that." i nodded understanding where she was coming from as a mother. i wouldn't want my children around anyone that could harm them or could care less about them.
"as long, as she's safe and happy, i back you up on your decision. amber you're pretty quiet, what have you been up to lately.". she cradled heaven, smirked at us as we looked at her like, wassup.
"if y'all must know, i've been given the opportunity to sing for a Whitney Houston tribute and i have some acting opportunities in the works." she smiled as we cheered.
"omg, i'm so proud of you girl." i walked over to her, smothering her in a hug. "i know you haven't been the same since Kyle died and i know that took a toll on you so i'm happy to see you finally going for what you want." i smiled, sadly, watching her eyes fill with tears.
Kyle and amber were dating for years, so when he died, she just became closed off and never really said how she felt. she couldn't even stomach going to his funeral.
"icess...i really loved your brother." she cried. "i loved him so much." raven and i hugged her as she cried.
"i know you did, and he did too. next week, my therapist is taking me to his grave site for our session and i think you should come to say your final goodbye." i cradled her in my arms, taking over comforting her while raven took heaven. she nodded, sniffling and we all just stayed there in silence, letting her have her own moment.
"enough of this emotional shit, i'm ready to eat." amber smiled, wiping her eyes.
"EVERYBODY COME EAT." Raven yelled, making her and Paris their plates while amber did hers and raegan's and i made mine and my mans.
we all sat in the living room, eating while heaven napped in her bouncer in front of us. we all were just laughing and having a good time. things were only going up from here