"I found love in you
And I've learned to love me too
Never have I felt that I could be all that you see
It's like our hearts have intertwined into the perfect harmony
This is why I love you
Ooh this is why I love you
Because you love me
You love me
This is why I love you
Ooh this is why I love you
Because you love me
You love me
I found love in you
And no other love will do
Every moment that you smile chases all of the pain away
Forever and a while in my heart is where you'll stay
This is why I love you
Ooh this is why I love you
Because you love me
You love me
This is why I love you
Ooh this is why I love you
Because you love me
You love me
This is why I love you
Ooh this is why I love you
Because you love me
You love me" I sang, looking down at my sleeping daughters. Because of them I'm a better person and because of them I am forever grateful for the women they have made me.
"Mommy loves you heaven... mommy loves you Raegan." I whispered, kissing their foreheads as I rubbed both of their backs.
No matter what, I know that to them I am their superhero and that through their eyes I am perfect as I am but I know that I need some closure so that I can leave the past in the past and be able to love not only them but Keraun without having any doubts and letting those negative things get to me all the time.
Hearing my phone ring, I answered it seeing that it was Keraun FaceTiming me.
"Hey baby." I said, watching him throw hisself onto his bed making me laugh.
"Hey mamas, what y'all doing over there. Where my babies at, I miss y'all." He said, throwing his arm over his eyes as he yawned.
"Right now they're taking their naps and we're just having a chill day. Baby I really miss you." I pouted, as he smirked. "Seriously, I can't wait until you get back home so that I can just hug and kiss up on my lil big baby." I smiled, letting the stress from earlier today drift off to the back of my head.
"I should be back home in a month mamas." Once he said that, I had a little mini meltdown. "I know, I was suppose to come back home this week but BET contacted my manager and they want me to host the BET social awards, this a big opportunity for me." I nodded my head in agreement.
"I know, and I'm happy for you. I just miss you is all and I just feel like everything is all over the place right now in my head." I sighed, as he sat up, staring at me intently.
"Tell me how you feel? If I'm not there physically, I want you to communicate with me what's going on so we can be on the same page. What's going on mamas?" He questioned.
"I just feel like I'm lost really. There's so much going on with my mom and just overall a lot of negative things going on and I feel like I'm just not where I wanna be. I'm not focused, most of the time I'm off track and distracted to the point where I'm failing 2 of the most important classes for my major and everything with school and taking care of the girls with all of this negative energy on my mind is blocking me from being focused on what's really important. When you're not here I feel like everyday I'm just going through the motions and I just wanna get a therapist maybe to help me out because I really need to figure out who I am without feeling numb about everything so that I can full the void in my heart." I expressed, watching him nod every now and again.
"I think you should look into that therapy shit cause I want you to be able to accept what has happened and finally get that peace of mind that you deserve." He said, while I smiled in awe at him.
"I know babe, I'm just trying to get myself together for you and the girls." He shook his head.
"You shouldn't be only doing it for us, you gotta do it for yourself. Sometimes you're so selfless that you forget to take care of yourself cause your so invested in everybody else. You gotta want this for you, get what I'm saying." He said, as I nodded.
The rest of our conversation was really soothing, we talked about the future and what he and I have coming up next. I ended up falling asleep with the girls, towards the end of our conversation but the whole time we were on the phone I wanted to tell him that I was pregnant to see his reaction but I'd rather do it in person. By the time he comes back home, I'll be 3 months along and after telling him about the new baby, we'd be able to share the news with everybody.
•
Heaven and I just got back home a couple of hours ago from dropping off Raegan at school and this morning she was not cooperating with me at all. She wasn't acting like her normal goofy self, she was yelling, talking over me and blatantly disrespecting me.
When I dropped her off, she didn't even give me a kiss goodbye, she just walked into class and as much as I love Raegan, she was about to get popped.
"What you want stinky mamas, you don't like that tummy time huh." I playfully pouted as I watched her try and scoot her body up. She was 6 months old now and just growing and improving everyday.
Hearing my phone ring, I picked it up thinking that it was Keraun.
"Hello, is this Miss. Jones?" I scrunched up my face looking at the unfamiliar caller id.
"Yes, this is she." I said, waiting to see what was going on.
"Hi, I'm sorry to call you like this but Raegan is in class knocking down the bookshelves, and throwing books at her peers. Somebody needs to pick her up immediately, from what her teachers say this is just an off day for her so there will be no expulsion from this school but she needs to be taken home." As the lady explained to me what was going on, I was confused.
Not my princess, acting like a fool in school, disrespecting staff and acting like she has no home training.
"Oh okay." I chuckled. "I'm on my way." I hung up, throwing my slides on my feet. I threw my jacket on, and threw heavens clothes and jacket on before walking out the door, with her stroller.
"Heaven your sister is acting like a fool in school." I sang, watching her smile. "Yes, you better talk to your sister before mommy have to tap that tail... yes tat that tail." I said, as she babbled back to me.
By the time I got to the school, I was irritated and I wanted to see what the problem was. I walked inside with heaven in her stroller seeing the receptionist.
"Hello, I'm gonna be signing Raegan out of class today." I said, as she nodded giving me the sign out sheet to sign. I walked with heaven to raegans class and the mess I saw had my mouth wide open.
"Now I know Raegan did not do this to her classroom. God you have got to be playing tricks on me." I whispered to myself, gathering all the strength I had to open the door.
I saw Raegan in the corner, still throwing things around the room, while the rest of her classmates were reading silently to themselves with their teachers. Raegan couldn't see me because her back was turned to me, so I walked up behind her and yanked the hell outta her shirt. She looked like she had saw a ghost when she saw it was me.
"Girl, you must be outta your mind to be throwing this stuff around this room like this. Acting like you ain't got no home training. You better fix all of this shit right now Raegan and I'm not playing with you." I said, letting her shirt go while she started picking up the books and stuff that she had thrown.
"Im so sorry everyone for her behavior today and I can assure you this will be the last time she ever acts like this." I apologized to the teachers as they nodded in understanding.
"Hurry up, ouuu I cant wait until we get home. Imma show you something. I promise you, you're gonna regret ever acting out like this." I spoke, as I watched her cry.
I picked up the bookshelves that she so happened to throw down, and stood in the corner of the room with heaven, waiting for her to finish cleaning up the classroom.
10 minutes later...
"Go put your jacket on, now." I said. "Again, everyone I am so sorry and I promise y'all this will never happen again."
Before we walked out of the classroom, I grabbed Raegans hand, making her look at me. "Go apologize to your teachers, right now." I said, watching her walk up to her teacher, apologizing.
The rest of the walk home, was quiet except for Raegans silent cries.
"Go to the kitchen table and wait for me." I said, taking heaven out of her stroller and taking her jacket and clothes off until she was in her onesie before putting her in her bouncer and strapping her in.
I grabbed Raegans book bag and took out her notebook and a pencil, placing it in front of her.
"Since you wanna act out in class, I want you to write 'I will be good and stop being disrespectful' until I think you've learned your lesson." I said, and she threw her head back crying.
"Mommy, I'm sorry." She cried.
"You can be sorry and cry all you want, but your still gonna write what I told you too. And I better not see a tear on that piece of paper. Get started." I said, leaving her in the kitchen to write.
At first, I thought that an ass whooping would solve everything but whooping her is the easy way out. I want her to think about what she's done and actually have a talk with her after she's finished her writing so that she can understand that what she did is unacceptable and won't be tolerated in this house.
•
"When is my baby gonna be out of punishment." Amber and Raven asked for the millionth time. They came over about an hour ago and have been trying to help their partner and crime get out of trouble ever since.
"Y'all are getting on my nerves." I laughed, getting up to see how much Raegan did. She was still writing, and her head was down while she dozed in and out of sleep.
"Come on." I said, as she tiredly walked behind me with her notebook in her hand. "Let me see." She handed me her notebook and I looked through it, counting how many pages she did.
She stood in front of me, rocking back and forth with dried tears on her face. "Tell me why, you decided that today was the day to act out?" I questioned
"I miss daddy." She mumbled. "I'm sorry mommy, I won't do it again."
"Daddy isn't happy with you right now Raegan, and we're gonna have a talk, when he calls later. There's other ways to express how you feel without being rude and disrespectful. You know you can tell me whenever you feel upset and I'll be there for you. I know for sure that this is the last time that you'll ever act out like that, right?" She nodded. "As of today, no more tablet, the tv privileges are gone and no more phone." She nodded, climbing onto my lap, laying her head on my chest.
"I'm sorry." She closed her eyes, almost instantly falling asleep.
"No tv, Icess. Don't do my baby like that." Raven said.
"Girl, if you don't..." I laughed, flipping her off.
3 hours later...
Raven and Amber left not too long ago and they helped me schedule an appointment with a local therapist for tomorrow, so I've just been anxious ever since. The girls and I had ate, washed up, and are dressed for bed. Keraun called earlier and spoke to the girls, especially Raegan about her behavior and I think she just misses her daddy but that doesn't excuse her bad behavior.
As always, they were snuggled up against me, as I read them the book about the 'hungry caterpillar.' Before the book was finished, they were knocked out. I kissed their foreheads, and turned off the bedroom lamp before falling asleep.