What the hell is going on? I stare at my bedroom ceiling and I can hear Jonah yelling downstairs at one of his loud video games. After Cheryl left me in the hall that day I was confused and angry. After school, I came home and kicked my door open and laid in my bed for about an hour thinking. 'Crazy Cat Lady Charlene.'
We've been arguing for a couple of weeks because of it and lately, everything I do seems not good enough. I told her I liked her and that I didn't care about how much she loved cats but that seemed to irk her even more. "You wish I was someone else. Prettier, taller, a DOG LOVER!!" She screamed at me as we stood outside of school. I took a hit of my cigarette and rolled my eyes so hard I swear I saw my brain.
"You are acting insane! I just told you I'm sorry and that I'm not ashamed of you." She was grabbing her locket the entire time we argued and stomped her foot.
"SO NOW I'M CRAZY!! SCREW YOU!!" I flicked my cigarette down and stuck my hands in my hoodie pockets. I felt my face get hot.
"One moment we are good and the next you are going off on me because I didn't pay attention to one of your MANY stories about cats or didn't notice your cat earrings or I smoke too much, or this or that. IT'S EXHAUSTING! You act like I'm no good for YOU!" I remember her eyes swelling with tears and they streamed down her flustered cheeks.
"Everything is okay until you blow up at me for being clingy or talking about my love for cats. I don't BLOW UP AT YOU for talking about how much you secretly love Ryan Reynolds movies or about your dad leaving or how annoying Jonah's video games are and blah blah. I LISTEN to you because that's what GIRLFRIENDS do!"
"Well, maybe I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE MY GIRLFRIEND ANYMORE!!" I screamed at her. My hands were balled into a fist in my hoodie pocket and we both kinda fell silent. We were both shocked to what I had said. She let go of her locket that clashed with her dark green sweater.
"You don't mean that." I pulled my beanie lower to cover my ears to keep myself from ripping my hair out.
"I don't know anymore Kitty." We stood there for a moment with buses and cars going past us to fill the silence. She moved closer to me and I pulled her into a tight hug.
"We will get through this, Chain-smoker." I placed my chin on her head and let out a weak laugh.
I sat up on my elbows when I heard the door open, breaking me from the memory. "DERRICK!! COME HELP WITH GROCERIES!!" I slid out of bed and went downstairs. "DERRICK!" My mom was in the kitchen bent over taking things out of bags and placing them on the counter.
"I'm right here mom." She sat up and placed a loaf of bread in my hands.
"Sorry baby I didn't see you." She took a carton of eggs and placed them in the refrigerator. Her brown hair was pulled in a tight messy ponytail and she was still wearing her work uniform. A green and white tropical shirt with a flower on the corner hovering above her name tag and shorts. You can tell she just got off work and was tired. These late shifts were getting to her. "So what's new?" She rearranged some things in the fridge and shut it. Mom has been getting home late and waking up early to go to work so we haven't seen her in a while.
"Alright, I guess," I mumbled. She put the last of the groceries away and looked at me. I looked like her, the same green eyes, dark hair, and nose. Jonah has our eyes but he has dad's thick black hair and nose. We heard all our lives that we looked like them and Jonah and I made it our goal to strive away from that, shadows we don't want to fill.
"Now come on, I know something new had to happen. How are you and Sherry?"
"Cheryl."
Mom smiled. "Yes, Cheryl. Jonah told me about her. When do I get to meet her?" I bit the inside of my cheek and she took notice.
"I don't know mom." Her eyebrows furrowed and she walked toward me.
"What happened? Is everything alright?"
How can I answer that if I don't even know? "Not anytime soon, we've been arguing. We haven't talked much since the day outside school. I mean mom, she was acting crazy! Constantly bickering and talking about the same things over and over-" I paused. Everything she does that annoys me and causing us to fight, I miss. I miss seeing her smile at me and her eyes lighting up when she sees me and her cute cat-related outfits. She's unique and I like that she's different but it's driving me insane. And she keeps nagging me about what I say and do. I tried stopping smoking but it calms my nerves and it's not like I smoke two packs a day or even a lot when I'm with her! I actually smoke one or two cigarettes now. Maybe she's ashamed of me, that's why she's trying to change me? "We are just having problems right now and it seems like one day we will be fine then the next we are back at each other's throats."
"Oh, honey that's normal for couples to fight. You are gonna have bad days but it's important to know that even on the bad days how much you love each other. The bad days won't last long. At least that's what you hope." She looked as if something crossed her mind and it was written over her face but it quickly disappeared. "I'm sorry sweetie I'm really tired after work and I have to go up tomorrow at the Shelter and help with the incoming animals and set the schedule-"
"It's fine mom. I'll talk to you tomorrow." She kisses the top of my head.
"I know you'll make a good decision."
That night as everyone was asleep, I lay awake thinking of what to do. My chest felt as if I swallowed a lot of hot rocks and my stomach felt twisted. I refuse to end up like my parents, always arguing with tears and punched walls. Forgotten promises and dreams and family vacations and birthdays.
I put the pillow over my face. It hurts so bad caring for someone and I haven't done that in such a long time. I've been dating Cheryl for a while now and I've been with other girls before but I never truly cared about them. It never hurt this much. I think- I don't know. Could I be? I put the pillow on my chest with my blanket resting at my feet. I know what I have to do. I looked at my alarm. Looks like I won't be getting any sleep tonight.
I was outside the school entrance smoking trying to gather my thoughts. I didn't get any sleep and my throat feels dry. My hands felt sweaty just like when I first asked her out. It seems like yesterday. I texted her this morning saying good morning and told her to meet me in the smoke spot during 5th. She texted me 'okay.' After I was done I walked up the steps and into the school and walked past the empty unit desk. My hair stuck up in places but I was too tired to do something with it. Looking decent was the last thing on my mind. I was so caught up in my head that I didn't see Cheryl waving at me.
She was outside the library doors and was wearing a pink sweater and white jeans with rips in them with pink shoes to match. Her hair was fixed and she was wearing makeup? She never wears makeup. "Hey-" She kissed me before I could finish saying hello and it made my chest tighten.
"Good morning!" She was really cheerful. It kinda scared me.
"You seem happy."
She took my arm and wrapped it around her. "I know we haven't been on the best terms and we both have problems but I thought it over and I am willing to make whatever changes necessary." I took my arm back.
"Changes?"
She shrugged. "The cat thing isn't going anywhere of course because cats are apart of who I am but if changing everything else fixes us than I'll do it."
I felt my stomach drop to the floor and I shook my head. "Cheryl, you don't have to change yourself I-"
"And you can change some stuff and we'll both be happy. Compromise." She smiled at me as if those were the right words to say.
"Change? You want me to change?" I look down at myself. "I'm not doing that Cheryl. I'm not gonna change myself to make you happier."
"I think it would be fair since I offered to change for you and you don't even have to do much! I can help change you-"
"I won't change myself." I thought back to when mom dyed her hair and cut it hoping dad would stay just for her to be crying on the kitchen floor.
"Well, I don't know what you want from me! I offered to change myself and be the coolest cat and you-"
I couldn't take it. My head hurt and worse of all my heart. "I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU!" I screamed with my eyes shut. I opened them and saw her drawn back in horror clutching her locket. "Cheryl, I'm-" I tried explaining myself but she ran off. I chased after her calling her name and when I caught up to her she ran into the girls' bathroom. I heard the slam of a stall door and vomiting. "Cheryl?! Are you okay?!" A girl drying her hands looked at me funny. "CHERYL!"
"LEAVE ME ALONE DERRICK!! I HATE YOU!! GO AWAY!" I could hear her voice trying not to break. I backed away and my feet felt like weights. I had to get out of there.
"I'm sorry Cheryl..." I mumbled as I walked away.