"I think... you're a little too high," she said and dropped her arms from around him.
No sooner than he opened his mouth, she caught the scent of something she knew all too well from working in the medical field. He was high on pain killers. She didn't know how intense the pain had to be for him to take such a large amount. Either that or he was just stupid.
She felt stupid. She should have known better than to fall for his silly display. The tenderness, the enchantment, it all came down to some silly pain killers. He was too pleased with her as a result. He shouldn't have been happy with her especially after their fight yesterday. The things that drugs could do to the mind were dangerous. As close as he was now she could see that his eyelids drooped and there was almost a crazed look in his eyes. He seemed almost groggy and there was a sway in the way he stood. He was high.
He noticed her disapproval and looked down at her with an almost guilty grin. He took a few steps back and walked back to the lazy boy where he would, no doubt, reflect on what he did.
Going to her kitchen she opened the medicine cabinet and looked for his prescription. When she found the small green bottle, she realized that there were three missing from the amount that should have been left from today.
She walked back into the living room to find him slowly rocking back and forth on the lazy boy. "I'm letting Tami keep these when I'm gone so you don't end up regretting anything that you could possibly do. You can't be high on narcotics all the time."
He didn't even look up at her. He just stood there with his chin in his hand. There was something in the air that she could sense. In his eyes, she saw guilt, anger... longing.
"Daniel," she breathed, "you need to tell me. You need to tell me now."
"I don't need to tell you anything," he still didn't look at her. He almost growled it.
"Yes, you do. How did you know? How do you know that I feel so..." He looked up at her then. "And then, yesterday you were telling me how I lure you in but then pull back only to hurt you when you do the same thing."
He sighed, stood up, and walked over. Put his hands on her shoulders, "You just know something's wrong when the person you care about is hurting. It's that simple."
His hand drifted down to her wrist. He picked it up, looked at the spot where he'd kissed it. Then with his head down drew in a sharp breath, "I'm sorry Sweetheart. I can hardly control myself when I'm around you. I can't even stand the thought of someone else even touching you."
She fought to hold back tears. She couldn't deny what she felt for him. It was like denying the sky was blue. Completely illogical. "Daniel I-"
"I know," the glint in his eyes made her feel as if she'd been holding her breath forever and was finally allowed to breathe, "you can't do this. It's the same thing every time. But you have never ever told me how you feel. That's what keeps putting us in this position. So please Lily, tell me how you feel and we can stop hurting ourselves."
She drew in a breath, held it hoping that he would say something, but she knew that the only way to get out of this was to voice what was going through her head and the thought of that was scarier than the reality of losing Tami. Letting the secret out, to all of a sudden disunite bleeding words from her head and heart was like drowning and coming up for a breath of air only to sink beneath the waves again.
She was breathing heavily. Her heartbeat was erratic. It was a scene playing in front of her. He was up so close that she could see her reflection in his eyes. She was afraid, she was touched, she was intrigued. At the moment she hated her brain. It was telling her she could get out of this simply by kissing him and she wouldn't have to tell him anything at all. But her heart told her differently. Not yours.
Her heart had control over her body. It was not her intention to kiss him. But her heart was in control and she had placed her lips on his in a slight but sweet kiss before pulling back.
The look of shock and want in his eyes flashed and she sighed before stepping away, "Now you know, but I can't have you no matter how much I want you."
"Lily—"
But she was gone before he could say another word.
The next morning her body felt like she had run five miles. She was sore from head to toe and looking at the disarray of her bedding, it was obvious that she hadn't slept well last night.
She knew the soreness had been caused by the dancing, and she knew she hadn't slept well because she was too worried about what she had done. Where did it leave her? Where did it leave them? Tami? She didn't want to get out of bed. So, there she lay staring at the ceiling with one arm above her head and the other laying across her stomach, her shirt still unbuttoned to the point where her collarbone was exposed.
What was she supposed to do with her life? There was absolutely no meaning made known to her. She wanted something big to be a part of. What was it that drove people to live day after day after day? What would happen if she took her life?
It was then that she shot up in bed and held a hand over her mouth in shock. She had never thought like that before. Never had she ever dreamed to think like that. Suicide was so unnatural to her that it could've been skydiving for the first time off of Everest. It shouldn't have been surprising because of how she felt, but the fact that she was contemplating suicide made her both relieved and scared. Then she realized, if she had the courage to do it, she would do it.
She was saved from her thoughts by the sound of a strumming guitar. Across her room, her phone buzzed and vibrated on her bureau. Getting up, she ran a hand through her hair and walked across the room. She smiled when she saw who was calling.
"Lee... how ya been?"
"What's up Stranger?"
"Since when have you thought of me as strange?"
"That's not what I said!"
She chuckled at the man's sudden display of exasperation, "What do you need Lee?" There was the sound of a lighter being flipped open and she began to feel the irritation rising in her.
"What else could I possibly need whenever I call you besides an extra hand for a roundup?"
"How about to give you a reason to quit smoking?" the anger in her voice was relevant to the sound of him blowing out a puff. "I've told you and so have the doctors! No more! It's killing you!"
On the other end, she heard Lee let out a guilty sigh, "You know it helps me calm down Lily."
"If you don't want to be so on edge then why did you agree to the terms of those contracts in the first place?" Lee Hunzeker had been taking out contract leases for large pieces of land for years. The problem was that the pieces of land he leased weren't just the typical hundred-acre properties. It was over eleven hundred acre pastures that had been passed down from father to son for generations. Fences had to be put up less someone took the risk of letting one's cows mingle with others'. But fences couldn't last forever. And sometimes the terms of the contract involved building a new fence, but building a fence never had been an easy job. Especially if it consisted of thirty-two rolls of barbed wire. Some fences were three miles long. That was enough to break a man's back.
"What contract did you sign now?" she grunted out.
He released a sigh telling her that what he was about to reveal would make her angrier than she already was. "Morgan Rawlings' nine hundred piece out by Bern."
She would have gone out to where he lived and boiled him in his own sweat if not for the human body's incapability to produce that much. "You know he's bad business, Lee. He'll let you fix the things that need fixing and then he'll snake it out from under you for his own use!"
"I'm hurting badly for land Lily," she heard a pause indicating he was taking a puff.
"You have over a thousand cows! You could sell a few. Not to mention the six thousand sheep! And what the heck about those couple hundred horses? You don't need so much!"
She heard a sigh and then the stomp of a boot which justified her assumption that he would snuff out the cigarette. "You sound like my wife. And I just can't do that. The Peruvians would be out of a job."
She almost felt like she should take back what she said. Actually, she knew she should. After all, you wouldn't find an American man around the small county willing to spend 24/7 with the sheep. Peruvians were hard working. Willing to do anything to have a better life and provide for their families. Absolutely wonderful people. Lee was keeping his livestock out of a pure struggle to keep these beloved Peruvian people afloat. He wanted them to have a better life than what they could've had in Peru.
"Well..." she breathed, "now I can feel guilty."
"Can't blame ya for tryna watch out for me Lil'."
"When and where?" she inquired, desperate to move on from the sensitive topic.
There was another pause and she heard the flick of a lighter. Suddenly, she knew that Morgan Rawlings wasn't the only thing on his mind. "What's going on Lee, really?"
She heard him sigh again, "I'll tell you tomorrow at Diamond Creek. Over by Roland's old settlement. 11:00 A.M. sharp."
"I'll be there."
"You bringing that giant?"
She thought about it for a moment. She'd brought Luke to the last roundup when Pearl had cut up her hind leg after getting caught in barbed wire. Lee had been appalled. He did stand at 18 hands. "No, I think I'll bring Wendy. She's gotta use that energy for something."
"Roundup isn't a joke Lily. With that much energy, she's bound to cause problems."
To think she didn't know the horse that would handle the job, "The critter's got cow sense like you wouldn't believe, and if you send me on a wild goose chase like last time I'll be glad for that energy."
Lee had seen Wendy before. When he had, he couldn't believe how wound up she could get. "Why is she so hippied up anyway?"
"She's 1/8 donkey."
"So this mule that was like her 2nd great just happened to be fertile?"
"Well hey! Sometimes you get lucky. And yes. It was her great great grandfather."
She heard him yell in Spanish knowing he was talking to one of the hands. She heard the name "Santiago" and the words, "abri la puerta!" Which she knew meant, "Santiago, open the gate!"
"I'll see you there then. I have this week off work."
"Sounds good. Bye."
"Adios," she hung up without another word.
At least that allowed her to keep her mind off certain things. She felt happier when she was talking to other people. There was nothing better when the conversation flowed.
Another long day lay ahead of her. She supposed she would start by letting the horses out in the 9-acre pasture out back for a couple of hours and then bring them back in. After that, she would probably ride Wendy. Just to get a feel for the events that could possibly unfold tomorrow. Or in a month.
She closed her eyes in fear. Three months had passed in the blink of an eye. Tami had one month left for this world. What was worse was they hadn't even talked about what would happen when she was gone. Lily hadn't sought a grief counselor, a psychiatrist, nothing! She hadn't even thought about it when her parents died.
She never liked asking for help. That just made her feel dependent and vulnerable. She wanted to do things herself. The only person she asked for help from was God. Because He was enough. She trusted him like no other. She wanted to make Him the center of her life. Sometimes that was easier said than done.
It was better to get going than to feel sorry for herself all day. She wouldn't feel so useless if Daniel hadn't walked into her life. Of course, it was his fault. He made her love him. He made her feel guilty for loving him. He didn't have to do that.
She inhaled. Some days it was hard to breathe. All she could do was try.
Another ring interrupted her thoughts and she gratefully answered her phone. "Lucinda?"
"Hi Honey," Lucinda's voice rang out cheerfully. Maybe a little too cheerfully.
"What is it?" Lily asked, fearing that she'd hear Dr. Parsons voice ringing out to a member of staff on the other end.
Lucinda seemed to have stopped breathing because Lily could only hear a loud silence.
"Dr. Parsons wants you to go with him for coffee!" Lucinda blurted as if she couldn't hold it in anymore.
Lily felt anger boiling up inside of herself, "First of all, I don't drink coffee, second of all, if he has the audacity to make another person ask me on a date for him after what he did, I will personally kick his—"
"He didn't ask me to ask you," Lucinda breathed, "I heard him talking to Dr. Crillon. He wants to apologize."
Lily felt as if she were cornered. When people apologized she'd always accepted it. It wasn't right to deny a person the one thing they wanted from you. It wasn't worth it to make a person feel like a worthless piece of nothing. Dr. Parsons however, was a different story.
She sighed aloud and considered the possibilities of what going on a date with Dr. Parsons could bring. "What if he does something stupid?"
"Like what, Honey?"
Lily grabbed the bridge of her nose, "Like..." she couldn't really bring herself to think of anything. Either that or everything Dr. Parsons did was stupid.
Lucinda brought her voice to a whisper, "Sweetheart, I understand you're upset, what with your sister and everything, but you have to start living for yourself and not other people."
"The thing is, Lucinda, that I'd feel like a selfish prig if the only thing I lived for was myself."
Lucinda's reply was instant, "Well Honey, once you start figuring out what you live for, the results can be breathtaking."
Lily felt that, "Thanks, I gotta go."
"Bye, Honey."
Lily began to get ready for the day putting on a frilly white top and bootcut blue jeans. She placed her hair in a ponytail under a ball cap and opened her door to let herself into the hallway to hopefully get some chores done.
The next morning she was loading Wendy into the trailer. She would be in Diamond Creek in a couple of hours. The drive would be beautiful and she looked forward to having the sun warm her back.
She tied the lead rope to a column that consisted of the frame and walked out leaving Wendy to look back as if to ask, "How cruel can you be to me?"
She clambered in her truck and as she rumbled down the highway she felt the oddest feeling to turn around and stay home. It was probably just nerves. Things rarely went wrong and if they did they were easily fixable.
She had parked in a patch of brown grass when she arrived at her destination. Wendy was getting ansy, snorting and weaving around in the trailer. Lily frowned in disbelief. The horse was nothing but trouble if she couldn't be patient. Her father had long said that the best thing to do was to get them dog tired soaked in sweat. That enabled them to stand still and that's when they would realize that it was nice to take it slow. Today, she'd run her along the back of the herd while she pushed so she could accomplish just that.
After she tied Wendy to the side of the trailer, she saw an old farm truck pulling a Featherlite trailer. The driver parked and started walking over to her.
"As I live and breathe! Lee Hunzeker!"
"Lily Gilbert," he shouted as he closed the distance between them, "I missed ya kid!"
He enveloped her in a hug and ruffled the cowboy hat atop her head. "I'm lonely without ya. Of course, Paul's adequate company, but you trump his looks any day."
"Hey, I'm right here," Paul Travis said approaching from behind Lee.
Lily beamed. She loved being around cheerful people. They made her so happy and so peaceful. There was absolutely nothing she liked more than having a good conversation with people.
Lee opened her tack room and handed her the saddle she'd loaded that morning. Not long after that, he pulled out her favorite saddle blanket and set it on Wendy. Lily swung the saddle up and started working on the cinch.
"You said you wanted to talk to me about something?" Lily inquired while Lee fetched the bridle she'd selected for Wendy.
Lee paused, "What?"
"You said to me on the phone yesterday that you would tell me at Diamond Creek. We're here aren't we?"
Lee sighed, pinched the bridge of his nose, "It's not easy."
"I'd know about things not being easy, Lee."
"Rosalina's filing for divorce."
Lily couldn't contain her shock, "But..."
"We've been arguing lately," Lee said meeting her gaze. Lily thought she'd never seen him look older.
"I'm so sorry—" her phone blared it's alarm causing Wendy to flinch.
She answered, "Tami—"
"Pearl spooked and took off at a dead run! She's broken her leg!"
Lily felt her heart rate erupt, felt fear seize her mind, gasped, "How bad?"
"Bad enough that the bone penetrated through the flesh. The break is jagged. The cannon bone."
Lily froze up, felt her face go pale, "Shoot her."
"But—"
"You know as well as I do that a horse needs four good legs. There's no fixing a broken leg for a horse. It's the humane thing to do."
Tami sounded frantic, "I can't shoot a horse!"
Lily let out a frustrated breathe, "Call Quincy or David."
"But she's your horse!"
"And it breaks my heart but it won't heal up, ever! Do it!"
She hung up, glad she wouldn't be the one to shoot her horse.