It'd been two days since the unfortunate morning in which I'd mistakenly kissed Harry, and I hadn't talked to him since.
I'd realised how messed up it was of me to kiss him in the second my lips had touched his, and for that reason I'd quickly stood up, not lingering one second too long into the kiss.
We hadn't really talked after that. I'd just muttered a sorry and then got out of the cafe without looking back, even forgetting my hot chocolate. I hadn't wasted any time in going into the building of my studio and up the stairs, making sure there was no spare key out before going inside and locking the door.
I hadn't done much after that. I'd told myself I should've got it together and start a new painting as I waited for Nicholas to leave the flat, but I'd soon realised that it wouldn't have been possible, as the only thing that was on my mind, playing over and over again, was the kiss.
I didn't know why I'd kissed Harry. It made no sense for me to do something like that. We were friends and I knew it, and I was completely happy with that, so why had I done it? Harry had told me lovely things, but was that just it? Would I have kissed Louis too, if he'd said the same things?
Nothing made sense anymore. In the span of an hour I'd kicked my ex boyfriend out of my life and ruined my perfectly good friendship with Harry, and I didn't even know why. I hadn't even told him anything, I'd just got up and left. How had I managed to screw everything up just like that? What was wrong with me?
Two days after, I still hadn't heard from Harry. He hadn't called me, and neither I had. It was as if we'd reached the mutual agreement to act like the other didn't exist, and for a while it was fine. It really was. It stopped being fine after a while, though. I hated to admit it, but I really missed Harry. I could feel the void he'd left in my life and I didn't like it. How was it possible that something as little as a peck had ruined a friendship it'd taken months to build?
I knew I had to find a way to fix it. But I didn't know how to do it alone. I didn't even know how I was supposed to act around him anymore. I needed someone to help me figure out what to do next, someone that was already familiar with Harry that could've told me the best thing to do. I knew I couldn't ask Liam, though. He was a fixer, and considering we were both very close to him, he would've surely tried to become the middle man to help us solve our issues. That sounded like a loss to me.
For that reason, I decided to go with my second option: Violet. She wasn't particularly close to Harry herself, but she'd been in his presence enough times to know what he was like.
That morning I went to Liam's flat early, hoping that I would've got to talk to Violet a little bit before having to go to the studio. I truly hoped that she would've helped me to make sense of the entire situation, because I didn't even know what to do anymore at that point.
When I arrived to their flat Violet was the only one in it, but unfortunately it didn't last long.
We were talking on the couch when I heard the front door open and I looked behind her, frowning when I saw Liam walk into the flat. I'd got there at eight in the morning specifically because I knew he'd already left for work, so I couldn't understand why he was there.
"What are you doing here already?" Violet asked him, seeming to be as confused as I was.
He sent her a glance as he crossed the room. "Harry called me" he said, taking something from the bookshelf in front of the couch. "He had another one of his moments."
Violet frowned, seeming to understand. "Oh no."
"What does it mean?" I asked her furrowing my eyebrows in confusion, but she just shook her head, indicating that it wasn't something I should've asked about in that moment.
"I'm going to see what happened" Liam told us, walking back to the front door and leaving without sparing another glance at us.
"What?" I asked, looking at Violet as soon as he was gone, hoping that she would've clarified what had just happened.
She gave me a little shrug, smiling unhappily. "Sometimes he has issues dealing with things and falls on his old habits again" she explained. "He often calls Liam when it happens, if it's bad enough, he helps him to get back in track."
"What do you mean, if it's bad enough?" I asked, frowning. How was it possible that I didn't know anything about that, even after months? Harry had told me he had some down moments, but he'd never even hinted at the fact that sometimes they were so bad that he needed to call Liam - in fact, he'd said the opposite. He didn't want Liam to know.
How bad did it have to be for him to willingly call Liam, and for his friend to drop everything instantly and go to him? I didn't even want to think about it.
"I don't know, Sierra" Violet said.
I nodded, looking away as I thought about it. Did it happen often? Surely often enough for Violet to know about it. But why had he underplayed it? "Is he okay?" I couldn't help but ask. It was clear that she knew more than I did when it came to Harry, which wasn't surprising, considering she lived with his best friend.
"What?"
"Is Harry okay?" I repeated, and she nodded.
"I mean, usually, sure. We all have our moments though" she replied, "some more than others."
I pursed my lips, looking down as I thought about it. Going off what Violet had said, sometimes Harry didn't feel as good as he did other times. I wondered why. Did his bad moments get triggered by anything? Could it be that this time it was my fault?
"Don't worry about it. I'm sure that if it was anything major Liam would've already told us" Violet said with a shrug, misinterpreting my silence.
"I hope so" I only said, trying to push the thought to the back of my mind. It wasn't like I would've got a reply anytime soon, anyway, so there was no reason to keep overthinking it.
"Anyway" Violet went on, "this means we'll have the house to ourselves for a few hours."
I gave her a little smile, trying to pretend that I wasn't still worried about Harry. "I guess."
"I can't believe you really kissed Harry, like damn" she said, raising her eyebrows in shock.
I understood her, honestly. I'd just broken up with my boyfriend and I'd kissed her boyfriend's best friend, after saying numerous times that I didn't like him in that way. The more I thought about it, the less sense it made.
"I know, it's so ridiculous! I don't even know what to do now" I said, sighing. I really felt like screaming in that moment. That would've been an appropriate response.
She tilted her head curiously. "What did he say about it?"
"I left before he could say anything."
She let out a shocked sound at my admission, as if she simply couldn't fathom why I'd made a similar decision. "Are you kidding? Why?"
I sent her a glance, trying to determine if she was serious. "Is it a real question? I kissed one of my friends and it hasn't even been two weeks since I broke up with my boyfriend!" I said. How could she not understand why I'd left? It'd been the only reasonable thing to do it that moment.
"Yeah, that's weird" she had to admit. "Have you thought that maybe there was a reason though?"
"What do you mean?"
"What if you like him?" She suggested, and I shook my head quickly.
"I don't like Harry. That's ridiculous!" Why was she even saying that? She knew I didn't like him, I'd told her many times. Why was it that she didn't believe me?
She hummed. "Is it though? I mean, you dated him. What's so different now?"
"It's been years, Violet" I stated. I wasn't supposed to like someone just because I'd dated them in the past. It made no sense. We'd both moved on, it was just stupid to bring it up now.
"You're still the same people" she noted, as if that was a good point. Following her logic, everyone should've wanted to date their exes, and that was simply ridiculous to think of.
"It doesn't really work like that" I replied, voicing my thoughts. I didn't like Harry as more than a friend - why couldn't she believe me?
"Then how does it work?" She asked, sounding a bit sarcastic.
I sighed, looking away from her. "I was just upset and he said nice things" I told her, repeating the mantra I'd been telling myself for the past couple of days.
"If it'd been Liam instead of Harry, would you have kissed him?" Violet asked, and her words were met by instant silence. "I thought so. Think about it."
"There's nothing to think about" I said, starting to get a bit annoyed. I just wanted people to understand my point of view, but it looked like, whatever I said, they always assumed I wasn't saying the truth about Harry. I was really starting not to like it. I wondered if Harry went through the same thing, or if everyone enjoyed bothering me in particular. Harry probably didn't even talk about me with others.
"Aside from the fact you kissed Harry."
I took a deep breath, fighting the instant need to roll my eyes that had pervaded me. "It was a mistake."
"Maybe it was just your mind trying to tell you something."
"That doesn't make any sense, we're friends."
"If you say so" she said, shrugging again, acting as if she hadn't just bothered me about it for at least five minutes straight.
After that, thankfully, the conversation moved to less dangerous topics, and I went with it even though I still had no clue of what I should've done with Harry. Maybe I should've just asked Louis instead. He didn't know Harry as well as Violet, but maybe it would've come to my help more than the opposite.
We were talking about my latest painting adventure - that for some reason Violet found incredibly interesting - when I heard a loud sound and looked up in its direction, feeling a bit confused.
I widened my eyes when all of a sudden the front door was opened and in walked Liam with Harry, sending us a quick glance to silently tell us to stay where we were.
Harry was looking down, his brunette hair covering his eyes, hiding the look on his face from me. His shoulders were slumped, and for some reason he looked much smaller than usual, as if he wanted to melt into the floor.
Liam removed the coat from his shoulders, and it was only then that I realised that it wasn't Harry's. He hadn't even been properly wearing it, and it'd only been thrown over his shoulders as he kept his arms wrapped around his chest.
He put it on the coat hanger next to the door before putting his hand on Harry's upper back and directing him into the kitchen, away from us.
Violet suddenly stood up, taking me with her as she walked to the kitchen and peeked in, silently calling Liam out of the room with her hand.
"Why did you take him here, Liam? Sierra's here!" She whispered to him as soon as he'd got out and distanced himself enough from the kitchen to make sure Harry wouldn't have heard a word.
"I just want to make sure he's okay. I know she's here, I brought him here on purpose" Liam replied, and Violet looked at him as if he'd just kicked a puppy.
"Why would you do that?! They aren't on speaking terms!"
My head snapped in her direction as soon as she spoke. She wasn't supposed to say that, and to Liam too, out of all people. He shouldn't have known.
He furrowed his eyebrows. "What?"
"She kissed him and fled! They haven't talked in days" she continued, and I couldn't help but feel a bit betrayed. I knew that Liam would've done something about it now that he knew, and I hated it. I didn't need his help in that kind of thing - it would've only made everything more awkward.
"Oh my goodness."
"Enough!" I interjected, quickly getting their attention before focusing mine on Liam. "What happened?"
He gave me a shrug. "He had a busy night, I think. Found him on be streets with no coat nor car, only his phone and wallet."
I frowned. What the hell had happened to him? Why had he been found on the street without a coat? It suddenly sounded way too familiar.
I suddenly remembered what Violet had told me about Harry falling back onto his old habits. Could it be that it meant what I thought it meant? "Is he...?" I asked quietly, letting my voice drift away before the last word, not daring to say it out loud in the remote chance that Harry would've heard.
Liam let out a sigh. "I think he may have got high, he seems a bit off. He won't tell me, though."
I nodded, trying to come to terms with what he'd just told me. When I'd decided to go to their house to talk to Violet I definitely hadn't expected to end up in the same room as an high Harry. It hadn't happened in a very long time, and it was way too early in the morning for it to make sense.
"How is he?" I dared to ask, wanting to know more about his current state but not wanting to go any closer to him - understandably. We weren't exactly on speaking terms, so there was no reason to be there in a moment like that. It was just awkward.
"Freezing and silent, at the moment" Liam replied, "I think he's angry with himself."
I pursed my lips, looking down as the same thoughts from earlier flooded my mind again. "Do you think... is it my fault?" I asked Liam. I hated the thought of having inadvertently hurt him enough to bring him to that.
To my surprise, though, Liam let out a little laugh. "Harry is much stronger than that, Sierra" he explained, his voice warm. "He doesn't act like this because of a kiss. Something else threw him off, I don't know what though."
"Oh" I just said. It was good to know I didn't have anything to do with it, but for some reason the discovery didn't ease the uncomfortable feeling in my chest.
"Do you think you could try talking to him?" Liam asked, and I suddenly felt as if my heart had fallen out of my chest. The simple thought of talking to him again after what had happened made me want to disappear.
I shook my head. "I don't think I can" I said, hoping that he would let it go. At that point, the best thing for me to do was leaving.
"Please, Sierra. He'll talk to you" he pleaded, making it clear that it was indeed important to him.
"I don't know-" I started, feeling even more uneasy, but he interrupted me soon after.
"Please."
I sighed, realising that he wouldn't have dropped it until I would've agreed. "I can try" I conceded, and he smiled at me.
"Thank you."
I just shook my head, wanting him to know I wasn't truly happy about that decision. Why did he think Harry would've spoken to me, anyway? I'd kissed him and left him. He wouldn't have spoken a single word in my presence.
I went into the kitchen anyway, though, taking a deep but silent breath to calm myself down at best as I approached the chair Harry was sitting on.
He clearly heard me come in, but he didn't say much about it, opting for staying still in his position instead, his face hidden in his hands.
"Hi..." I said gently, trying to get his attention, but he didn't make a move. "I'm sorry for running away the other day. I freaked out."
My presence was only met by silence again and I frowned, starting to wonder about his current state. Was he too out of it and so it was pointless for me to be trying to have an actual conversation, or was he just purposely ignoring me?
I reached the table and stopped next to it, putting my hands on it and looking down at Harry. "The truth is, we aren't teenagers anymore, Harry. So... I'm sorry for acting like a child" I told him. "I didn't mean to kiss you, it was a mistake." I sighed when not only he didn't reply, but also didn't do anything that would've made me understand he was actually listening to me. "I care about you, Harry. I really do. I don't want this to ruin our friendship."
"It's okay" he suddenly said, still looking straight ahead, his answer coming unexpected.
I nodded, slowly sitting down at the table and looking at him. "You know you can talk to me, right?" I asked him gently, and he let out a chuckle, that sounded more sarcastic than anything else. "I mean it, Harry. I want to help, but how can I do it if you won't let me?" I asked him. "What happened?"
He didn't reply again and I furrowed my eyebrows, starting to get frustrated but not wanting to show him. I wasn't used to him acting like that anymore - I'd never even thought he would've acted like that. It wasn't him, anymore.
"Please, let me help you."
He looked down at the table, and I sighed, coming to terms with the fact that he wouldn't have made it easy for me at all. "She called me" he then muttered all of sudden, and I quickly turned my head to look at him.
"Who called you?" I asked, weighing each word carefully.
He gave me a little shrug. "Maura" he whispered, still not daring to look at me.
"Oh, Harry" I said, automatically standing up and wrapping my arms around him, realising only in that moment that he was trembling. "It's going to be okay."
He didn't say anything, so I just hugged him tighter, listening to the way his breath hitched against my ear as he tried to keep up that aura of complete indifference without much success.
After a while I let go of him, going back to sitting next to him and looking at him carefully. "What did she say?" I asked him. I needed to know how bad it was, but at the same time I really didn't want to know. But I knew I had to ask anyway, because how could I have been of any help if I had no idea of what had happened?
"I closed the call before she could say anything else" Harry just mumbled, and I raised my eyebrows.
Did it mean that he'd panicked not because of something she'd said, but simply because he hadn't expected to hear from her? He'd spent so long trying to put distance between his adoptive family and him that he simply hadn't been able to handle it disappearing all of a sudden. He'd basically scared himself.
"That's okay. You don't have to talk to her if you don't want to" I told him, saying what was obvious. Despite what he might've thought in that moment, he was safe. If he'd wanted to he could've decided not to answer ever again, and I was sure she would've accepted his will and left him alone. Nobody was going to sweep in and change his life again if he didn't want to allow them.
He sighed, leaning back against the chair, still not daring to visually acknowledge my presence. "I feel so stupid" he said between his teeth.
"Why?" I asked him, and he finally sent me a lot.
"I fucked up yesterday" he admitted lowly. "I took... things" he continued, sending me a little glance. "I hadn't done that in over a year." He put his elbow on the table, shielding his face from me with his hand. "I found myself on a street I'd never seen before, and I couldn't even exactly remember how I'd got there."
"You made a bad decision" I said, putting my hand on his forearm and squeezing it gently to reassure him, even though I couldn't help but be extremely worried about it as well. "Whatever you did, whatever you took, is never the answer" I continued, trying my best to get my point across without making him feel like I was judging him, or belittling him. "It might make you feel better at first, elated and above everything... but Harry, when you go down, it only makes you hit the ground harder."
He glanced up at me. "How do you know?"
"I can see it in your eyes" I replied, and he looked down again almost instantly.
"I know" he whispered. "It was a stupid decision."
I gave him a little shrug, trying not to let him understand how worried I actually was. He didn't need anyone to freak out because of what he'd done in that moment, he was already doing it on his own and it wouldn't have been of any help.
"We all make stupid decisions at times."
Sorry for the little delay! I truly hope you enjoyed this chapter. It'd mean the world if you checked out my story "Facade" while you wait for the next one. Thank you so much in advance x
Miki