AYYYYY GUYS!!!! GUESS WHAT TIME IT IS!!!! IT'S THE TIME IN EVERY SINGLE AU I WRITE WHERE A BOI GOES TO THERAPY!!! PICANI TIME! PICANI TIME! YEE
just a lot of fluff and angst tbh lesgo
WARNINGS: mentions of PTSD, insecurity, mentions of abuse, mentions of rape/non-con, crying, Unsympathetic Patton, missing abuser, complicated feelings about abuser, basically nobody's alright haha.
Let me know if I missed any!
"You're sure there's no other way to just get over this?" Roman asked unhappily as he walked with Logan into the office building.
"It's not about getting over anything." Logan adjusted his tie. "It's about coming to terms with it and working through issues, Roman. And it's just the intake appointment."
"Yeah, but..." Roman sighed, rubbing his eyes tiredly. "Okay, I get it. You want to help."
"Of course I do." Logan said softly, halting to peer down at him. "Roman, I do truly want you to be alright. I promise."
"I know." Roman sighed, looking at the clock on the wall. "I know, Logan. I just don't want to have to talk about it."
"You're sure you want to go alone, though?" Logan asked, eyebrows creasing with worry. Roman nodded. If he was going to go - he was going to do it alone Not for any reason, really, except to prove to himself he could do it and pretend he was doing it by his own volition.
"I'll be fine, pocket protector," he promised with a smile as they approached the lobby of the therapy clinic. "Just don't abandon me to walk home alone and we'll be fine."
"I can assure you, I'll be right out here once you're done," Logan said firmly, taking a seat on the waiting room couch.
Roman wanted to join him, but instead, he walked to the desk and checked in, and soon found himself in a room that, in all honesty, was heaven.
There were Disney posters around the room, figurines and stuffed animals on the table and couch. He sat on the couch, waiting for the therapist who the secretary promised would 'be right in' and resisted the urge to pick them up and inspect them. He failed, and when the therapist dramatically jumped into the room, he nearly dropped the mickey mouse he was holding.
"Hello new patient!" the therapist said cheerfully, bouncing over to his chair. "My name is Dr. Emile Picani, and you must be Roman!"
"Uh, yeah." Roman gently put the figurine back down, glad he hadn't broken it. "I'm Roman Tower." Picani gasped, face lighting up.
"I thought I recognized that name!"
"Oh." Roman winced. Right. People knew him. "Right. Uh..."
"Remy mentioned you a few times before!" Picani tapped a pen to his head and Roman blinked in surprise. "Just in passing, it's not his job to tell me about you, is it?"
"I guess not." Roman shrugged.
"Well Roman, it's a pleasure to meet you." Picani smiled. "Let's get started, I want to know more about you! I want to know everything there is about Roman Tower!"
"Okay..."
"So tell me about yourself?" Picani pulled out a notebook, smiling cheerfully and waiting.
"Right." Roman sighed, rubbing his hands on his jeans. "Well, I'm Roman. I... I write books, and I act. Not as much as I'd like to, but life is busy. Um, I got a degree in English literature and theater in college, and I work at a bookstore part-time to keep up with the bills and stuff."
"You like books then?"
"Stories." Roman shrugged. "The bookstore just happened that way."
"Alright. And have you ever been to therapy before?" Picani asked, face still as cheerful as ever.
"Uh, no." Roman shook his head. "Not unless you count talking to Remy."
"I do not." Picani shook his head. "But that's alright, a first time for everything!"
"I guess so." Roman shrugged, starting to feel a bit more at ease. The cartoon-themed room certainly helped with that. "Uh, I dunno what else there is to know. I'm not that interesting."
"Oh, that's not true!" Picani waved a hand. "I'm sure there's a lot of stuff to know about you, so let's talk about you! What is going on with Roman today?"
"Oh." Roman frowned and ran a hand through his hair. "Uh, well, I dunno. Not a lot, I'm here I guess."
"Yes, you are!" Picani beamed. "So talk about that. How do you feel about this, Roman? I heard you were a bit hesitant to agree and come see me."
"I feel nervous." Roman sighed, shoulders slumping. "And, I dunno. I just don't... know how I feel about it, really."
"Why are you nervous?" Picani asked, voice a little calmer than before. It was soothing. Roman thought for a moment. Why was he nervous?
"There are things I don't think other people should know about me." he finally said, looking at the floor instead of Picani. "And enough people already know. Why add to the list, right?"
"We all have parts of ourselves that we aren't a fan of," Picani said gently. "And things we've done that we're ashamed of. But not everyone needs to know, Roman. Only those you trust do."
"That's true." Roman sighed. "But how do I know I can really trust the people who know?" the worries that he'd tried to keep away from his head flooded out. "What if they use it against me? These things aren't good, there's nothing good about them. The only way they can be used is to hurt me, and I've had enough of people hurting me!" he pressed a hand over his mouth, realizing too late that his voice had risen to an almost shout.
Picani didn't say anything for a moment, tapping his pencil on his chin. And when he did, it was not what Roman expected to hear.
"You know who you remind me of?"
Roman stared at him, not replying.
"Lapis lazuli." Picani nodded. "She-"
"From Steven Universe?" Roman asked incredulously. Picani's face lit up.
"You've seen it?"
"Seen it?" Roman scoffed. "I've studied it! I've watched all the episodes a dozen times at the very least."
"So you know what I mean!" Picani beamed. "You're like Lapis. She was so sure that people wanted to hurt her that she lashed out - even in the first episode we saw her in."
"What?" Roman scowled. "I don't lash out."
"Not at others, maybe." Picani shook his head. "But I can tell you don't think very highly of yourself, Roman. Neither did Lapis, really."
"I don't know about that." Roman frowned. "She wasn't like me. She was always fighting for herself, wasn't she? I hardly ever do that..."
"Well, that may be true." Picani nodded. "But I still see a lot of similarities between you two. You don't really know how to feel about some things, and you're afraid of being hurt. So much that you let it take over everything else in your life."
"...that's creepy." Roman decided, narrowing his eyes at Picani. Picani giggled.
"So I'm not wrong?"
"No. That's why it's creepy." Roman said. "But what does any of this have to do with anything?"
"Well," Picani smiled. "Lapis managed to find a place for herself, didn't she? It took a while, but she settled in and found a way to be the best version of herself. After everything, she went through, with Jasper and learning about the earth. It took a while, but she did. And you can too!"
"That's different." Roman insisted. "That's a cartoon! This is my life! Sometimes, things don't work out as perfectly as you want them to. And when that happens, what are you supposed to do? Accept that it's the right ending?"
"Well, who says it's an ending?" Picani challenged. "Most good stories don't have one, you know."
"An ending?"
"Not a finite one." Picani shook his head. "An ending to a specific piece of the story. A chapter, so to speak. But life continues onward past the final page. You haven't reached any endings yet, Roman. You're still young."
"Yeah, but..." Roman trailed off. But what? Picani was right. "Okay, but it's not like I have a lot to go off of when it comes to Lapis. We didn't see every moment as she changed to become who she is now. We didn't see a lot of her at all if I'm being honest."
"But we do see her." Picani reminded him. "We see some of her struggles, isn't there anything you can do with that?"
"I don't know." Roman sighed, rubbing his head. "I mean, is it so awful that I don't want to be hurt? No one wants to be hurt."
"Of course that's not awful! It's good that you want to be safe. But you don't strike me as someone who always plays it safe."
"You just met me," Roman said defensively.
"Yeah, but I feel like there are two different versions of you here at once!" Picani thought for a moment, probably trying to find a way to relate what he'd said to a cartoon. "One part of you seems like a brave, gallant Gryffindor, and the other seems well, I'm not really sure. Scared. Which one do you want to be?"
"I am a Gryffindor," Roman muttered, rolling his eyes. "I don't really know what you're saying, to be honest."
"What do you want to be," Picani repeated, pushing his glasses up his nose. Roman scowled, staring at a poster on the wall. "Do you know?"
"Does that matter?" Roman snapped. "Does it matter what I want? I can't change who I am, and I can't change the past! I just have to deal with it."
"And how do you want to deal with it?" Picani raised an eyebrow. "Do you want to learn and improve, like Lapis Lazuli? Or do you want to stay the way you are right now, conflicted and scared? You can only choose one."
Roman opened his mouth to reply, but couldn't think of anything to say. What was he supposed to say? He didn't know what his answer was. But he couldn't just say that, could he? Picani watched him carefully, one eyebrow still raised above the rim of his glasses. He could say that. If he wanted to, that is. Roman knew he was supposed to be honest here - Remy had made that clear. But how was he supposed to confess that he had no idea of what he wanted to do - of who he wanted to be? He looked back down at the figurines in front of him and sighed. He had to say something.
"I don't know."
Time Skip Sponsored By Remy As He Celebrates Roman Finally Following His Advice And Going To Therapy
"How did it go?" Logan asked when they were almost home, having sat in silence most of the way. Roman shook his head.
"I'm still trying to figure that out myself, to be honest," he confessed. Logan hummed. "I like the guy, really. He's cool. I just don't know how I feel about... the therapy stuff."
"That's alright," Logan said. "This was only the first time you've gone."
"I know, I know." Roman shook his head. "I'm just not sure he knows what he's getting into."
"This is his job." Logan rolled his eyes slightly. "I'm sure he knows. Or at least has some idea."
"I guess." Roman sighed, thinking back to their discussion.
When he confessed that he hadn't known what he wanted to be, Picani had pounced on it with another reference. The lion king, that time. So now Roman was Lapis Lazuli, Simba, and himself. As confused as he still was - he was also less confused.
Picani had said he was like Simba - a protagonist that Roman had loved since he first watched the movie. Roman wondered if he was right. He'd felt so lost the past few years - even when he did feel like he was doing the right thing, and being himself, he had always had moments where he doubted everything. Picani had also said that was normal, and Roman wasn't sure he believed that.
"Well, are you going to go again?" Logan asked.
"Yeah." Roman nodded, looking over as Logan pulled into the driveway.
Logan smiled at the answer, and Roman sent one back, getting out of the car and looking up at their little house. There was still duct-taped cardboard on the front door, but other than that it looked like it always had. Old, cozy, familiar. Maybe not familiar in the same way anymore, but familiar all the same.
"Looks like Virgil's home already," Logan noted as they made their way past Virgil's truck. Roman nodded, stepping inside and taking a breath.
"HEY, WE'RE BACK!" He hollered, grinning when he heard Virgil jump in the other room. Logan rolled his eyes.
"That was unnecessary."
"But it was funny." Roman pointed out as Virgil met them in the doorway to the living room, scowling.
"Why," he said simply. Roman shrugged, pulling off his shoes.
"Why not?" he asked, looking up to see that Virgil's eyeshadow was smudged and his eyes were bloodshot. Immediately he felt bad. "Are you okay?"
"God - yeah." Virgil sighed, rubbing his eyes. "Sorry, I wasn't sure when you guys were getting back."
"What was the matter?" Logan asked, brows furrowed with worry as they made their way into the living room.
"Just... stress." Virgil sighed, flopping back onto the couch. "Everything's so fucking... stressful."
"Do you want a hug?" Roman asked, feeling worse. He knew Virgil would never say it - but it was kind of his fault everything was so crazy.
"Only if you want one." Virgil opened one eye to watch him. "No guilt or pity hugs."
"I'll pity hug you if I want to." Roman declared, sitting next to him and hugging him tightly. "So ha."
"You know what I meant." Virgil grumped. Roman smiled, sitting back.
"Yes, yes I did."
"Things will get better as time goes on," Logan said wisely, sitting on Virgil's other side. "Everything still seems fresh. It's bound to frustrate everyone."
"Yeah, I know." Virgil sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I just..."
"It's okay," Roman stressed softly, sitting cross-legged on the couch to be more comfortable. "And I'm sorry, I-"
"Roman!" Virgil whined.
"What?" Roman asked defensively. "This is why I didn't want you guys to know, okay? I didn't want you to stress out like this, and now you are, and it's my fault, becau-"
"How is this your fault?" Virgil asked incredulously, sitting up a bit straighter. "Tell me one thing you did that caused this."
"I could tell you a lot!" Roman insisted though Picani's voice played in his head as he did so. "I..."
"Fight, flight, fawn, or freeze." Picani listed gently. "As seen with Lapis, when fused with Jasper, she mainly fell into fawning and freezing. She tried to be the perfect victim, and she tried to distance herself from what was happening. She never made a move to escape - not until she was pulled from it by people who cared about her. What you're telling me sounds the same, and it isn't your fault. It's your response to the trauma."
"I don't know." Roman sighed, head hanging.
"It isn't your fault this happened," Virgil said softly. "It just happened. And now we have to deal with it. It doesn't matter whose fault it is - but it isn't yours."
"It's not your guys' either," Roman muttered.
"I blame God." Logan declared.
"You don't believe in god." Virgil reminded him. Logan shrugged.
"Which is why I blame him. He won't be offended because he doesn't exist."
Roman snorted, smiling as he leaned against the couch cushions.
"And things will improve." Logan continued, adjusting his glasses. "We just have to let it, and notice when it does."
"Since when are you the poetic leader of the group?" Virgil complained. "I thought that was me."
"It was never you," Logan said gently.
"It was always Remy." Roman declared. Logan looked offended. Virgil chuckled, sighing softly.
"Thanks, guys. Sorry, I'm a mess today."
"If I'm allowed to be a mess, you are." Roman pointed out. Virgil nodded, though he still seemed distracted. After a beat of silence, he found out why.
"How the fuck do you do this?" Virgil finally burst out, turning to stare at him. Roman stared back, confused.
"Do what? What are you talking about?"
"This!" Virgil waved his arms around, gesturing to Roman and the house as a whole. "You're just acting normal, like...like it didn't happen! Like you don't see Patton fucking everywhere you look! He never even hurt me, and I... I fucking hate him but I can't..."
"Whoa," Roman put a gentle hand on Virgil's shoulder. "Hey, he did too hurt you. You've been upset since you walked in and saw that - there's no way that didn't hurt."
"You know what I mean!" Virgil snapped. "I just don't understand how you can act normal when everything that happened here... happened here!" Roman bit his lip and looked away, shrugging.
"Virgil..." Logan was, for once, at a loss as to what to say. Roman could tell by his tone that he felt the same.
"I'm sorry, guys." Virgil sighed. "I just... I don't understand. I want to go back in time and make sure none of this ever happened, but I can't. And I just... I hate seeing his face everywhere."
Roman glanced around. The walls - once covered in pictures - were mostly empty now, the ones with Patton in them having been taken down and put somewhere - possibly the garbage as Virgil had been the one to do it.
"How do you deal with this?"
"I don't know." Roman shrugged helplessly, running a hand through his hair. "I mean, obviously I don't with some things, like my bedroom and the corner seat, but the rest... I just... I'm used to it, I guess."
"That's not good!" Virgil complained, flopping over onto Logan and pulling a pillow on top of his face. Roman bit his lip.
"If it takes time for me, it's gotta take time for you." He pointed out, though he couldn't help but feel guilty anyway. A slow dawning crashed over him and he looked up at Logan and Virgil, who hadn't answered.
"Is this why you guys started talking more about renovation and moving?" he asked incredulously. "Because this place makes you think of Patton?"
"...yes," Logan said softly, while Virgil just threw the pillow across the room before nodding.
"Oh." Roman didn't know what to say. He hadn't thought of what they must be feeling - not like that. He knew they blamed themselves, and he knew Patton had picked this house with them years ago. "Well, why don't we talk about it seriously then?"
Awww my poor bois why am I so mean to them?!?! ah well
ONE CHAPTER LEFT HOLY SHIT I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS
I can't believe so many people like this, and I'm so thankful for y'all that are reading it! This is a series, so even once this one ends I'll be posting more from this AU on my profile and my AO3 account!
Love you all,
-Coby