"ARE YOU SURE THIS IS A GOOD IDEA?" Dessy asks with a worried look on her pretty face.
"No." I reply sincerely, not totally sure of my decision. I hate times like this; being uncertain and mistrustful in myself when I am obviously supposed to be confident with a clear head.
Why is it different now?
"Let's go over the deal together this time." Dessy suggests and I nod in agreement as I pull up my laptop. The computer is heavier than most types because of its old model, but it works and that's all that matters and even more importantly, it is all that I want to matter. No one else's opinion can change that.
"Please pass me the modem." My finger points at the device sitting contentedly on the table beside her. "Thank you." My voice is tinier than normal as I plug the gadget in. I don't like it.
"I thought you were going to use your phone though. Why the modem?"
"I have unlimited browsing access for the next two months on this sim." I explain briefly. "I might just as well use it."
"True, true." She agrees then gets off the floor to come sit by me on the only foam we have in the room.
"Has Agnes come for her money again?" My tongue touches the roof of my mouth and I feel a sore. When did I eat something hot? I think silently while waiting for Dessy's reply.
"She has come twice in the past two days."
"Na wa o." I roll my eyes in a display of unrighteous anger. It is clear that I have no right to be irritated, but I can't help but be so. Agnes and I have never gotten along rightly. She is always quick to find a reason to try to strangle me or better yet, throw me in jail so I'm far away from her. Sometimes, I do wonder why she still lets me rent one of her rooms with Dessy.
"That woman is just a pure she-goat." My roommate also turns her eyes hard. I know she feels vexed, almost as much as I do yet not to the extent of my bitter emotion. Dessy never gets as angry as I, and it's maybe because she does not allow herself. Most times, she acts on the sentiment she is feeling before letting them soar too high.
I don't.
I think a lot before I do anything. Sometimes I think way too much, and that is exactly why I am wary of my new sugar-deal.
"Have you logged in?" Dessy pokes her head in between my levelled chest and the fat screen, while I place my hand on her forehead and push it out of the way.
"I'm about to." I reply. The internet is slow and it is starting to grate on my nerves. "Just hurry up." I glare at the light flashing on and off on the plastic connector.
"It's on."
"Finally." I breathe out a sigh of relief. "Here we go." I mutter to myself as I type my login credentials into Sugar-villa. The app takes a few moments to load before it directs me to my page.
"You changed your username?" Dessy confirms her nosey behaviour as she nudges me with her elbow. Twice.
"It's like you want to die." I hiss and glare at her absolutely annoying self. My new username is 'Adasugarbabes'. Yeah, it is a bit cringey.
"Mwah!" She blows a kiss at me which I make a show of catching and throwing it outside through the only window that sits open, welcoming fresh air and soft rays of the slowly setting sun.
"Okay..." I lose my train of thoughts as I notice an alert notifying me of an even bigger offer on my screen. "What is going on with this man? Look." I frown at the computer on my laps and invite Dessy to see the mystery I have found myself in.
"Wetin dey do the man sef?"
"Me I don't know at all." My voice sounds weird as I talk to her. It's something new I am experiencing. An emotion I know for certain that I am not the most familiar with.
Am I nervous?
"Oya click on the deal he agreed to."
"So this is the new one, but I will just tell you about the former one." I incline my shoulders and body towards her fully. "Wait, isn't that my singlet?" I raise an eyebrow at the pink cotton top that is being stretched out of its limit.
"Ehn let's talk about that later. Gist me first."
"If that thing doesn't size my small chest again because of your heavy breasts, you will go and buy new one." I comment after giving her a hard look. She shines her teeth at me in return. "So like a day before you went to beat Ola which is Wednesday, I received an alert of a sugar daddy wanting my services."
"Mhm." She relaxes her head on her palms and gets into a more comfortable position.
"The only thing about the deal is the man kept asking me if I would have sex with him for different amounts of money. At first it was 300,000 Naira per day and I said no of course. Then yesterday he made it 500,000 Naira, and you know how I said it was a new sugar daddy."
"I remember that. After we escaped with the drinks right?"
"Yes, I had thought it was a new one but it turned out to be just the same man offering another deal." I pause to see if she has been listening attentively.
"Go on." She urges me, her ears perked up like a rabbit's.
"Today though, he offered one million Naira to try to convince me to allow sexual intercourse in my rules..."
"One million Naira?" Dessy literally jumps off the bed. "Shey be the both of you are mad right? Aren't you supposed to be happy that someone is offering that much for you to just have sex with them? And why is the he-goat offering that much? No sugar daddy ever offers that much per day."
"I know." I can see my brow wrinkling in the reflection of myself on the dark screen of the laptop that has gone to sleep. I quickly smoothen it out with my fingers, knowing that frowning makes people uglier. Of everything I can afford, becoming unattractive is not one of them as it is the only thing that brings me cash.
"So..." my only friend stares at me intensely. "You are not taking the deal, are you?"
"No." I do not have to think of the question twice. Even though I am not a virgin, my promise to myself to never warm a married man's bed remains unchanged. If I can't keep a promise to myself, who then can I do so to?
God? The old man does not even answer me sometimes.
Trust me, I know God exists and I think I also know He loves me. But sometimes I just can't help but ponder on possible reasons why He would do so. He's too good for a sinner like me and it makes me feel utter shame and guilt when I come to him for a request.
No, really...what should a fraud pray to God for? Success? Protection? Happiness? I'm not sure anymore. At times, I'm not sure I deserve anything good.
The only thing I've always been positive of is my will to survive no matter what I have to do. But now, I'm not so convinced anymore.
Does God truly care about someone like me?
I would ask someone about my questions, but I have no one I wish to turn to.
The outside world is not close to friendly and even though it took long, I have come to know that people are amazing hypocrites as a plain fact of life. They give you advice when they are the ones in dire need of it and they more than always are desperate to prove that they are better than someone else when they honestly are not.
I hardly listen to anyone anymore because for most, it is plain as daylight that their words are lies and their actions only pay lip service. All they crave is an opportunity to judge without making an effort to understand those on the receiving end of their discernments.
I don't give them enough to judge. Yet, they judge. This is why it amuses me when anyone compliments me on being beautiful as I know their minds would change if they knew who I was.
What baffles me however is why do people find it so complicated to mind their own businesses? They say I'm pretty, but then they worry when I use it to my advantage.
Let me be me.
"Did you decline the offer already?" Dessy squints at the laptop's screen.
"Yes of course. Not too long ago."
"Then why is there still a proposal there?"
"What?" My attention flies back to the bright display. "500,000 Naira per day without sex, any activities relating to rituals or actions that could have medical implications." I read aloud then over again, my brain clouding as I try to come up with a reason for the persistent propositions.
"That's a good deal." Dessy says behind me. "But it's kind of suspicious sha."
"That's what I am thinking too." I drag my palms down my face, pulling my bottom lip a bit too far that it hurt a little.
"Just accept it."
"Are you sure?" I turn to her but my phone lights up, catching my attention. "It's the bank." Great timing. I sigh deeply. "They want me to pay back their loans."
"Oh Lord. So soon?"
"Yes." I feel deflated. Business for me has not been moving finely for the longest time. Most sugar daddies do not favour a sugar baby who wishes not to satisfy their sexual desires and my lack of offers was starting to tell on my savings. "I think I have to accept the offer. I need to." I say, trying hard to convince myself that I'm making the right decision as I click on the "accept" button.
A message comes in almost immediately informing me of my first appointment.
"It says I should meet up with him on Sunday and it gives me a number I should call him on with..." I pick at the numbers scrambled around at a loss of what they mean. "Is this not a recharge card?" I tap on Dessy who has retired to her phone.
"It looks so."
My hands sweat profusely, my eyes twitch and my stomach rolls around like a ship on roaring waves.
Yes. I am nervous.