TWILA DOGHEAD
by KC & Karen H
It was a typical San Francisco morning, foggy gray. Twila Doghead left her Pine Street apartment and headed down towards Polk to see what was going on. Stopping at Miz Browns’ for coffee, she looked at the person next to her at the counter, and saw a huge frog.
“I get into armpits,” the frog said, as he lifted Twila’s arms. “Yours rate a C Minus,” he continued as he lowered them again, looking disappointed.
Twila went back to drinking her coffee, when suddenly she felt dizzy and fell to the floor. Someone then picked her up. Once could say being told a C Minus armpit was enough to make you faint. She was so insulted that she promptly paid her check and ran back to her apartment, where she ripped off her shirt and looked at her armpits. “C Minus my toe!” She turned on some music.
Later she decided life was not so bad, so she left her apartment once again, only to bump into the frog. “Oh Ms. Doghead,” he said.
“Yes?”
“I’m sorry, but the truth hurts. You see, I haven’t met anyone with over a C minus armpit in twelve years.”
“Well!” she exclaimed, “Then I understand.” She then went into The Palms to listen to a new band. Their first song was entitled “Cream Cheese Toes”.
“Cream cheese in my toes.
Cream cheese up my nose.
Do dah, be wop wop,
Cream cheese in my hair
And in my underwear
Love that cream cheese
Yeah yeah yeah.”
Twila loved the song. She was grooving and moving to the beat, when this man came up to her and said, “Honey, I just love this music, and I can tell you do too. So why don’t we dance on top of the table? We can try a new dance I made up, called ‘The Crunch’.”
“Sure”, said Twila, “it sounds fun. How do you do it?”
“First you lay down on the table,” said the man.
So Twila lay down on the table with excitement. Then the man jumped into the air, and landed with his feet crashing down on her. Then he began jumping up and down on her stomach shouting, “Crunch crunch crunch!” each time he landed. Everyone else looked over and started clapping along with the man’s jumping. Then they all shouted along with the man, “Crunch crunch crunch!”
Everyone was having a great time but Twila. “I must try to enjoy this too,” she said as she tried to enjoy the feeling of the man jumping up and down on her stomach. Then she said to the man, “OK, your turn!”
So the man lay on the table and she run to the stage and ran back, leaping into the air and on to his stomach. The audience yelled, “Crunch crunch crunch!”
After the two of them finished, they were exhausted, so Twila suggested that they go relax at his apartment.
“Sounds good”, said the man, and with that they were off, only to discover he lived on Fillmore and Haight.
“Don’t you get nervous?” asked Twila.
“Oh no,” he responded, “I carry this.” And out from his attaché case came three hand grenades, a machine gun, and a portable laser.
“Oh I feel much safer now,” said Twila.
They were climbing the stairs when an old man approached them. “Food please,” he growled.
The man took out the hand grenade, pulled the pin, and said, “Here, eat this.”
Five seconds later, he exploded and there was blood and guts everywhere, and a small shiny object which looked like a dime.
Twila went over and picked it up, spat on it and shined it, when out popped a genie.
“Hi there, what’s new?” exclaimed the genie.
“Nothing much,” said Twila, “Usual stuff. We just blew up an old man and that’s how you got here.”
“Oh,” said the genie, “where am I?”
“San Francisco, of course,” said Twila as she looked into his eyes, immediately falling in love.
The man got mad and said, “I hope you realize that we’re not going to fool around in my apartment now.”
“Who cares,” said Twila as she kicked him in the knee.
The man pulled out his laser and blew her scalp off. “This is to remember me by”, he said as he walked thru the door, slamming it behind him.
Twila looked at the genie as her head bled. “Can’t you do anything?” she pleaded.
“Of course”, said the genie as he said a magic word. Suddenly Twila had a Dolly Parton hair style.
“Oh it’s lovely!” exclaimed Twila as she looked at her reflection in a nearby broken window.
“Shucks, it was nothing,” said the genie with a blush.
So Twila and the genie ran to Golden Gate Park and rolled in the grass in slow motion as romantic music played in the background.
“Oh Twila,” sighed the genie.
“Oh genie,” signed Twila.
Then they went to the Japanese Tea Garden. The genie jumped into a pond and began eating goldfish. “Mmmm,” he said as they slid down his throat.
But suddenly from under a bridge came a huge goldfish, ten feet long. “I’m gonna git you,” it said as it swam towards the genie. The genie was too busy eating the small goldfish to see what was happening, and soon he was laying on the edge of the pond, while the giant goldfish beat him with its tail.
“Oh stop it!” cried Twila as she tried to wrench the genie out from under the goldfish’s tail.
“You’re next, sister,” growled the goldfish in an evil way.
“I’m not your sister,” said Twila indignantly.
“Yes you are,” growled the goldfish, “You may not know it, but I’m your long lost brother Dudley.”
“Oh Dudley!” cried Twila as she put her arms around the huge fish, while tears came to her eyes.
But the huge fish jerked away from her and began beating her along with the genie. “I’ll never forget the time you called me “Slimy Scales” it said as he beat her angrily.
“Not only do I remember calling you Slimey Scales, but I also remember calling you Fish Breath, and I also called you Algae Head, ha ha ha!” chuckled Twila.
He then stopped hitting her. “Oh no, you’re not going to use that psyco-lo-gee.”
“You’re right, I’m going to use electrodes,” said Twila as she pulled several of them from out of her purse and put them all over Dudley. Then she pushed a button, and the air was filled with the small of a fish fry.
“Mmmm” said Twila and the genie together, as they munched away happily at the remains of Dudley.
Twila and the genie lay on the ground while they digested their snack. Suddenly a cow strolled by and said “Come with me.”
Twila and the genie immediately stood up and followed the cow as it walked along. It led them to a Victorian nearby and went to a room on the top floor.
“Sit down,” it said as it left the room.
Twila and the genie sat down and waited. Soon there was a flash of light, and there stood the cow in a purple robe.
“I am Mama Cow, the mother of the universe,” said the cow.
“Yeah, and I’m Papa Pig, the father of the galaxy,” sneered Twila.
“So be it,” said the cow. There was a puff of smoke, and Twila had become a pig.
“Oh help me, genie,” sobbed Twila the Pig.
The cow glared at the genie and said, “If you try anything, you’ll be sorry!”
“Oh yeah?” said the genie as he turned the cow into a pickle. He then turned Twila back into her original self and they went back to Twila’s apartment on Pine Street.
Champagne, toast and popsickle toes. Oh how they danced as the clock struck seven. Then were in disco heaven. Then the genie said, “Come on, we have things to do.”
“OK,” said Twila, “I’m ready.”
So off they went. It was Halloween, so they decided to go to the fair on Polk Street. After all why not have a look at 106,000 people.
On their way, they saw a man who Twila thought was Santa Claus. “Hey Mr. Claus!” she yelled. When the man turned around, she realized it was really a sex-crazed gorilla.
“Ooh ooh!” he said as he threw Twila onto the ground. But suddenly he saw the light and became a celibate monk. “Bless you,” he murmured as he left for a monastery.
On they went to Polk Street to have the time of their lives. The genie left Twila alone, saying “I’ll just go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back in case anyone wants me.”
As Twila waited, three dogs dressed up as clowns came up to her. They began to run in a circle around her, barking happily. Soon they stopped barking and began to sing:
“Oh honey it’s funny
When you kiss a goat
It’s like battery acid soup
Poured in you by a boat.
Bark Bark Kiss a goat
Growl Growl eat a toad
Bow Wow taste a boat
Yap Yap hit the road.”
Twila found deep meaning in the lyrics, and tears came to her eyes. “Oh that was lovely!” she cried to the three dogs in clown costumes.
“Thank you!” they cried back as they took off in a nearby spaceship.
As Twila watched the spaceship disappear into the sky, the genie came back with roller skates on and an extra pair for Twila in his hands. As soon as she put them on, a huge wind came up and blew both of them into a crowd of evil old ladies. The evil old ladies blindfolded the genie and Twila, took them into a bus, which sped off, never to be seen again.
The end.