"And I'd choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I'd find you and I'd choose you."
- Kiersten White, The Chaos of Stars
~~
"The only person in this world who ever mattered to me was murdered in cold blood."
Sebastian's words cut through the silence of the room.
My whole body stiffened and my breath hitched. My eyes locked with his grey ones, waiting for him to explain.
After a few beats of silence, he finally spoke again. "My mother left when we were very young and our father wasn't worthy of being called a father, he was a cold person. He believed in discipline over compassion. It was my brother who raised me, although he was only seven years older than me, he was the only true guardian I had, mio fratello. (My brother)."
Sebastian paused to swallow. "He was a good man. He never wanted to be a part of this family. He didn't want this life for us. He sacrificed everything for me, he fought to send me to boarding school so I could get away from this world."
I could feel my chest constricting. I could feel his pain.
"We had always been taught to not feel emotions, to not care about other people because love meant weakness. Love was just something your enemies could use against you. My brother never followed the rules, though. He never believed in them. He fell in love with Ellie and then went against everyone in the family to marry her."
Sebastian smiled but it was a sad smile, it made my heart ache.
"The first time I met Ellie was at their wedding. I could see how much she loved my brother, which automatically made me love her. You know, for some time there was actually a little light in our dark world, there was love and maybe even a little hope. I went back to boarding school and a few months later he called me. It was strange because he never called unless it was something urgent. I remember answering the call and hearing my brother's choked sobs on the other end. I felt like my world had stopped. Had something happened to him? Had something happened to Ellie? But when he finally spoke, his words knocked me to my knees."
He took a shaky breath. "He told me that Ellie was pregnant, that I was going to be an uncle. He was crying, he was so happy. He wanted to be a father so badly, Angelica. I couldn't tell him that the idea of raising a child in the world we belonged in was a terrible idea. I flew back home as Ellie's due date neared. I wanted to be there for the two of them when the baby arrived."
Sebastian's hands started to tremble and I could feel my heart sink. I could feel it. The dread, I knew something terrible was going to happen.
"What happened?" I managed to choke out.
Sebastian's chest heaved, his breaths coming out rapidly. "When I went to the house I was expecting my brother to open the door but I was greeted by my father instead. I knew something wasn't right, my father never bothered to come see me whenever I came home. As soon as he saw me he told me that he wanted me to come with him, he wanted me to assist him in one of his errands. I told him I wouldn't go. I knew whatever he wanted assistance with wasn't legal, it probably involved taking lives. When I resisted he called his men and they started forcing me out of the house into his car. That was the precise moment when my brother stepped in. He pleaded with our father to take him instead of me. My father easily agreed, he didn't want to take me, he wanted to take his eldest son but he knew the only way he would ever agree to go would be if he threatened me. I begged him to stay, told him to stay with Ellie, that I would go but he wouldn't let me. He said he didn't want me to be tainted by the life I never chose but was unfortunate enough to have. He ordered me to stay with Ellie and like a coward, I did."
He chuckled when he said those words, a cold, haunted sound.
"An hour after he left Ellie went into early labor. I drove her to the hospital and kept calling his number but he wouldn't pick up. The nurses took Ellie into another room and wouldn't let me see her. I was so scared. He still wasn't answering his phone. After two hours of sitting alone in the hospital waiting room, my phone started ringing. When I answered the call it was a stranger's voice that spoke. I was told that my brother was dead. He had been murdered by men from our rival family. He told me they couldn't recover the body." He paused to take a shuddering breath. "They couldn't even recover his fucking body!" His voice rose in agony.
I could feel the hot tears spilling down my cheeks as I tried to hold back my sobs.
"I didn't even notice the nurse standing in front of me till she called my name. She was holding what looked like a small bundle of blankets in her arms. I was completely numb. She placed the bundle in my lap and left. That's when I saw my nephew's face for the first time. And he looked so much like his father, he had the same eyes, the same hair. All my brother ever wanted to be was a father, and that was taken away from him, the only thing he ever wanted in life was taken away from him, because of me, because of this god-forsaken hell hole we were born in."
Sebastian squeezed his eyes shut. "That day I swore I would protect Adrian and Ellie with everything I had. They were my family, the only people who mattered to me. So that's what I did. I stayed with them for a while but I knew I couldn't let them stay here. Adrian had the same blood as me and my brother. It was only a matter of time before they came for him. I had to send them away, someplace far away, someplace I knew they'd be safe. I couldn't let my nephew suffer the same fate as his father and his uncle."
His eyes opened and he studied me, lingering lightly on my tear-stained cheeks.
"I'm so sorry Sebastian," I whispered as I reached for him.
"The woman you heard today, that was Ellie and I'll answer your question now." He breathed deeply. "Yes, I love her, but no, I'm not with her romantically. She's my brother's wife, she and my nephew are the only family I have left. Ellie and Adrian will always come first for me no matter what. They will always come before everyone else."
I heard the sincerity in his voice. I heard how much he loved them.
And that made me respect him even more.
The fact that he cared for them so much. Loved them so much.
It made me fall a little harder for him.
"Did you find the man who killed your brother?" I asked softly.
His expression grew cold. "No. But I know who is responsible."
He stepped away from me and my body nearly sobbed at the loss.
"I will make him pay once I get a hold of him. I will kill him. My hate for the man who killed my brother is the only thing keeping me alive at this point. The need for revenge is the only thing that keeps me going." He hissed. "There's only room for hate in my heart now, hate and vengeance are the only two things I know."
His expression was sinister. Almost wild.
Maybe I should have been scared but I wasn't.
"That's not true," I whispered.
I took a step towards him, invading the invisible barrier he'd built around himself.
I grasped his face in my hands, making him look at me.
My fingers ran over his cheeks, his nose, his lips. . .
We both froze.
Heated gazes colliding.
My breath hitched. His expression darkened, pupils dilating.
"Sebastian." I breathed.
He made a strangled sound at the back of his throat.
And then, his lips crashed against mine.
We both groaned.
It wasn't gentle.
It was brutal, untamed.
It was everything I wanted and more.
His hands banded around my waist as he pushed me against the door, his scorching body pressed against mine. My hand grasped the back of his head urgently as I kissed him back with everything I had.
His lips moved against mine with fervor, tongue peeking out to taste the hot cavern of my mouth ever so often. I sighed in contentment and leaned my head back as he started trailing open-mouthed kisses down my neck. His hand trailed down my thigh, he grasped it gently and hoisted it up so that one of my legs was wrapped around his waist. He pressed into me harder and I moaned.
I felt like I was on fire and he was making me burn brighter with every brush of his lips, with every caress.
Then suddenly he was wrenching himself away from me.
His whole body shook.
I watched in horror as he sunk to his knees and clutched his head in his hands desperately.
"Seba-" I whispered but he cut me off.
"No. No. NO!" His voice was desperate, filled with soul-crushing agony. I had never seen him like this before.
"I cannot do this. Not to you." He choked out.
"Sebastian, it's okay." I tried to soothe the beautiful grief-stricken man before me.
"It's not okay." He said quietly. "It will never be okay."
His grey eyes were sad as he looked at me. "I can't drag you into this hellhole with me, Angelica. It's too dangerous and it won't be fair to you."
"Then why don't we get out of here together?" I told him gently.
His whole body stiffened in shock at my words.
His face slowly hardened as he got back on his feet.
"I can't do that. This is and always will be my life. No matter what I do these people will always be my family. And this tainted blood will always flow through my veins."
"But you can choose to leave." I tried.
His eyes flashed as he started to undo the first button of his shirt. My eyes followed his fingers as they went for the second.
"You don't choose the life you get, Angelica. You don't have a say in where you are born and whose blood you share."
He undid the third button and stopped. He pulled the front of his shirt down to expose the upper part of his torso. My eyes immediately locked on the tattoo scribbled across his chest in bold black ink.
'Sangue prima di tutto'
I read the words to myself.
"You said you understood Italian?" He murmured.
My eyes met his.
A collision of two catastrophes.
"Blood before all," I whispered the translation out loud.
I understood what he had been trying to tell me now.
This criminal life, the mafia, he wasn't going to leave it.
He would always choose his blood.
He would always choose his family.
Even if that meant losing everything he ever cared about.
Even if meant losing himself.
For him, it would always be,
Blood before all.
~~