I stare blankly at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, shaking my head to try to get River's words out of my head but they won't budge. I turn to the side and cup my hands over my boobs before letting them go, my fingers falling to brush over the few stretch marks I have and with this pregnancy my hips are definitely wider, my face is chubbier too and where the fuck have my ankles gone?
"Hey, Baby! You ready for bed?" Harry's voice sings as he wiggles the door handle. I snatch up the pyjamas I'd dug out from the bottom of my drawers and hurry to pull them on. "Jess? I need to pee. Why'd you lock the door?"
"Didn't realise I had." Great. Now I'm lying to my husband. A sigh leaves my lips as I pull open the door.
"Pregnancy brain, huh?" His lips softly press to my cheek as he passes, and I can't miss the puzzled look he gives my pyjamas. I quickly climb into bed and turn out the lights, my back towards Harry's side of the bed.
"So tonight turned out to be quite fun, right? I mean it would have been better if River wasn't there but she even cracked a smile a few times." His voice weaves through the darkness like the chirping of crickets as I sense him getting undressed.
"Uh huh." I feel the mattress sink as he climbs under the bedsheet.
"Hmm... Why are these pyjama's getting to hug themselves to your body? That's my job, Baby." His whisper on my neck has my nipples beading and his hands eagerly roam under the offending piece of clothing. I feel my juices pool in my pants as his erection presses up against my bum but I move to still his hands.
"Not tonight H, I'm tired." Another lie, well I am but not too tired to fuck my husband. The thought of him pulling off my top to reveal my body to him has me suddenly scared which is ridiculous I know, he has seen me in all manner of poses and positions and never once has he shown any sign that he thinks my body is anything other than beautiful. I'm so mad at myself for letting that silly little girl get in my head.
"Shit! Sorry. The sight of you in that dress has been driving me crazy all night. I'll behave." He pulls away slightly, just enough so his erection isn't pressing up against me and he slides his hand out from under my pyjama top, resting it gently around my bump. "I love you, baby. Get some rest." His lips press softly to my shoulder before his head comes to rest at the base of my neck. A tear rolls across my cheek, quickly followed by another and another as I lie here silently crying into my pillow while the most wonderful man in the world holds me tight. I don't deserve him.
-----
I startle awake, hard and horny and the first thing I notice is Jess isn't in bed beside me. I feel like such a dick about earlier. I should have spotted she was tired although that hasn't stopped her before. I swear that woman is sometimes hornier than me, especially when she's pregnant. I climb out of bed to check the bathroom and make sure she's okay but I'm surprised to find she isn't there. I'm even more confused when I spot those weird pyjama's she'd been wearing on the tiled floor. My eyes flit around the bathroom and I recognise the familiar purple glow of the pool lights streaming through the window. I head back to our room and pull back the curtains and sure enough there she is swimming in the pool at 3 in the morning. I pull on my boxers and a loose pair of jogging bottoms to go get her.
"Couldn't sleep?" I ask when my feet slap against the ground. She rushes over to the side of the pool, her head the only part of her that is visible as it pops above the edge.
"You scared me!" She frowns.
"You scared me too. I woke up, and you were gone." I can feel the pout on my face.
"Sorry." It comes out in a sigh and she looks away from me.
"Do you mind if I join you?" I smile.
"Uh. I was just about to get out." She still wasn't looking at me and she hadn't seemed like she was ready to get out when I arrived. Something is going on with her. I hold out my hand to help her but she doesn't take it.
"Could you pass me a towel?" Her voice is so quiet I only just manage to make it out over the water splashing as she makes her way along the edge of the pool towards the stairs. I grab a towel from the pegs beside the showers and bring it over for her and watch in amazement as she wraps it around herself as she climbs the stairs. Is she hiding from me? Why is she hiding from me? I rack my brain trying to think of how I might have upset her, did I accidentally say something stupid? By the time I shake the thoughts from my head she is already inside the house. I hurry after her, making sure everything is locked up and turn out the pool lights. I want to yell after her, make her stop but I don't want to wake the kids. I watch her as she began to climb the stairs, her hand clutching the towel around her body. I hurry across the hallway and skip up the stairs two at a time until I've caught up with her. I slide my hand around hers and I feel a huge sense of relief as she links her fingers with mine.
"Jessi? Baby? Are you okay?" I squeeze her hand tighter. She nods yes but her glassy eyes and the way she nervously bit her lip tells me differently.
"You know you can talk to me about anything, right?" I don't like that she won't tell me what's wrong. The last time she bottled up all her emotions she left me but she is an expert at navigating the media and paps these days, she even handles it better than I do sometimes. Maybe the hate on social media is building again, the jealousy seems to reach fever pitch when she's pregnant. I'll get Sara to check but she's always been good at shrugging that off too. She wiggles her fingers and rubs my knuckles, honestly, it feels so nice I almost forget I'm supposed to be the one comforting her. I carefully close the bedroom door behind us and press my back up against it, toying with the idea of staying here so she can't escape but that is stupid.
"I'm just going to go take a shower, wash off all this chlorine." She says softly and before I can process what she said, her hand is gone from mine, she picks up those terrible pj's and closes the bathroom door behind her. She doesn't lock it though. I'm at a loss as to how to make her feel better, maybe if I knew what's wrong but then I suddenly have an idea. A bath. A bath always makes her feel better, especially when I run it for her. I march across the floor and swing open the bathroom door.
"Baby, I -"
"HARRY! GET THE FUCK OUT!" She yells and snatches up the towel to cover her naked body. I just stand still. Stunned. She very rarely loses her temper with me like that. "GET OUT!" She repeats, her palm pressing into my chest as she pushes me from the doorway and closes the door firmly. I grab for the door handle but I'm too late, I hear the lock click.
I press myself up against the door as I hear her start to cry. "Baby, I'm sorry." I don't know what I'm apologising for but I do it, anyway. I can't think of anything I've done anything wrong. "Please talk to me?" I'm not above shameless begging. I'll do anything to get her to open up.
"H, I'm okay. Just give me - I just need a little space." She sniffs and then I hear the shower running. I pace the floor, trying to work out what she meant, should I leave? Am I supposed to just wait for her to come out? And most importantly I still have no idea what is wrong. I ran over seeing her in the bathroom in my head, maybe something is wrong with the babies and she can't tell me yet? But that is silly, she'd have made me take her to the Doctor straight away. Is she bleeding? Nah. She wouldn't have gone swimming and again she'd have made me take her to the Doctor.
I decide to get dressed in case she wants me to leave and I sit down on the edge of the bed. My knee is bouncing, uncontrollably and my arms and fingers are restless as all they want to do is hold my wife until everything is alright. I fall apart without her and my body knows it. The shower stops and my heart begins thumping so fast I think I might be having a heart attack. I take a few deep breaths and try to get a hold of myself. I can hear her moving around in there but she still hasn't unlocked the door. My eyes are glued to the door handle as soon as I hear the click of the lock and when it starts to move I stand up but, then I worry she might not want me to crowd her, she asked for space so I start to sit down again.
"Where are you going?" Her quiet voice startles me as I'm halfway between sitting and standing. I freeze.
"I uhm - you said - you said you wanted space so I - I didn't know if you wanted me to - you know?" I nod towards the door, unable to make myself say the words. I stand up and fight to stay where I am as I see her eyes fill with tears again.
"I just meant so I could have my shower..." Her voice wobbles and I automatically close the distance between us. My arms pull her into a tight hug, trying to comfort myself as much as I'm trying to comfort her. "I'm sorry. This is all me. I think my pregnancy hormones have gone a little crazy is all." Her fingers grip my t-shirt as she holds me tight. I know there is more to it than that.
"Please don't shut me out, Jessi? I can't handle you shutting me out. We're a team, baby and I can't do any of it without you." I cup her cheeks and kiss her forehead.
"I won't." She gently kisses my lips. "Can you hold me, please?" She asks as she climbs into bed. I pull off my clothes and get in beside her. I wrap my arms around her, ignoring how uncomfortable the material of her pyjama's feels against my skin. "I love you, Harry Edward Styles." She kisses my arm and links her fingers with mine.
"I love you more, Jessi Styles." I kiss her head with a smile on my face, even after all this time, calling her Styles still gives me a little buzz.
"You're the best husband and father that I could have wished for." She snuggles closer to me.
"I feel the same way about you. Me and the kids are so lucky to have you to take care of us." I tighten my hold on her as sleep threatens to overwhelm me. I kiss her head one last time before giving in, I have a feeling Jessi won't be far behind me.
-----
I flop down on the sofa. I'm hot and horny. It has been over a week since Harry and I have done anything sexual and fuck do I need him. I let out a groan as I think about how good his erection felt pressed up against me this morning. And what did I do? Did I allow us the release we both crave? No, I pushed him away and did he call me out on why his wife had suddenly turned into a Nun? No, he didn't. He was patient and kind and had gotten up and made me and the kids breakfast before taking them to school and daycare even although it wasn't his turn. I let out another whimper as my nether region aches at the thought of how amazing he is.
"Ah, you are home. I thought I heard a car. You finish early?" Lori's voice startles me. Their key is supposed to be for emergencies.
"Didn't feel too good." I sigh.
"Oh no. Everything okay? You need me to call Harry?" She asks as she sits down. If my vagina could talk, it would have screamed 'YES!' at the top of its lungs but my dumb mouth is in charge so instead I said "No. I feel better now. Just random morning sickness I think."
"You sure? You look..." She quirks her head, "Hot? Flustered?"
"All of the above?" I bury myself deeper into the sofa and a low grumble tickles my throat.
"You sure you're okay?" Her eyes narrow as she watches me.
"I'm just having a bit of a crisis of confidence, I guess. Feeling like a massive elephant." I rub my bump and the twins decide to have a little party.
"Aaw, Jess. You look great, honestly. Well, apart from the fact that you look like you're melting." She grins as she pats my leg.
"Great? Look I have no ankles!" I slide my trouser legs up to show her the swollen joints.
"Oh, that's nothing. Do you remember my ankles when I had Una? My boots wouldn't even fasten." Lori laughs before her entire body freezes and the room is deadly silent. "Hey, this isn't about that little witch saying Harry would prefer somebody like her, is it?"
"Not exactly." My gaze falls to the floor. I know it's stupid to let her words get to me but I'm not getting any younger and Harry was well, Harry. He only seems to get better with age. I swear that man drinks from the fountain of youth.
"Jessi?" Her shoulder nudges mine. "You know Harry thinks you are perfect right? He loves everything about you. You could have ankles like tree trunks, be the size of three elephants, have two heads and Harry would still think you were the most beautiful woman in the world. Honestly Jess, I've seen you look pretty shit, like tangled hair, clothes covered in baby puke, exhausted as several kids run you ragged and that man still looks at you as if you were stood in front of him with your hair & makeup done and wearing your favourite designer dress." I flung my arms around her. "So as much as she might wish for it, Harry will never ever notice her."
"I'm being stupid, aren't I?" I know I am but I just want somebody else to agree with me.
"Hey, you're pregnant. Hormones make you a little crazy." She hugs me tight. "I best get back to Niall, he was doing Una's hair so there'll definitely be tears by now."
"Oh, gosh and that's just Niall. Poor Una might be bald?" I chuckle loudly. She says goodbye and hurries out the door and once she's gone, I snatch up my phone to call Harry.
It feels like it's been ringing forever and I'm just about to hang up when he finally answers. "Hey Baby, sorry things are a bit crazy here. Everything okay?" Harry's voice booms, I can hear lots of chatter in the background.
"Uh, yeah. Everything's fine. I know you're busy with the tour prep but do you think you could manage to come home for lunch?" I chew on my lip nervously and hungrily. Lord knows, I need him.
"Uhm, I'm not sure, things - hold on, come home for lunch? Are you home? Is everything okay? Did something happen at work?" I can tell by the rapid beat of his voice that he's entered panic mode.
"Everything is fine. I felt a little sick, that's all. So now I'm home and well... I miss you." I hope he gets my meaning.
"TELL YOUR HUSBAND HE CAN'T DROP KIWI AND THAT AL-" Mitch yells down the phone before I assume Harry pushes him away. "Sorry, Jess. I -"
"You're dropping Kiwi from your set list?" The words leave my lips in a puff of air.
"Thinking about it. I mean people are probably sick of it now."
"Are you kidding? It's always the loudest, most energetic part of your shows. I love it and I'm sure everyone else does too." I smile. I love watching him go crazy on stage.
"Jess votes that Kiwi stays." I hear Mitch cheer in response. "Do you want to come by the studio?"
"Me?" I ask, unsure if he is talking to me or somebody else.
"Yes, you. Who else would I be talking to?" His chuckle warms my heart.
"Uhm. Maybe. I kinda want you all to myself though."
"Oh, really?" I can picture his raised eyebrow, and it only makes me want him more.
"Yeah. I miss you, like really badly." I can't stop the words coming out in a desperate moan.
"Christ, you don't half pick your moments?" I hear the smirk in his voice and the other voices in the room fade away. I guess he's moved somewhere quieter. "My office door has a lock."
"I remember." I grin as I rush upstairs to get changed.
"Hey Jess? I've missed you too." His voice sounds needy, and it makes me even hornier. I want to feel his voice vibrate across my skin. I want his lips on mine. I want his hands all over my body.
"I'm sorry. I'll see you soon." I promise as I pick out an outfit that will be comfortable for hanging around the studio all day. I settle on some trainers, a pair of maternity jeans and one of Harry's larger Pink Floyd t-shirts. I like how soft it feels against my bump and as soon as it's over my head I'm running downstairs and out into the garage, deciding to take the Range Rover so I can pick the kids up from school later.