The next time John saw her, the woman was leaning over a display module on the Bridge. He could have said what the module was, unerringly, if he had been in the right state of mind. After all, once they had successfully stolen the Avenger, he had made it a point to remember everything to do with the currently flightless bird. He had wanted to know how everything worked, short of the tech that Shen and Tygan used, so that he could teach it all to Janis.
As he watched her, realized that the woman was talking to Bridge personnel with her almost trademark casual demeanor, John felt his chest constrict. He was overwhelmed by the feeling that his knowledge wouldn't be needed.
John walked across the room, mentally checking to make sure he was outwardly appearing as if he were doing nothing but approaching his superior. As he walked closer, one of the members of personnel walked in front of him, then swooped around to take his place at Janis' side. He could hear the man murmuring a question to her and watched as Janis answered it easily, gesticulating warmly with her hands.
John stopped mid step as though he had hit a force field. Why did he get the feeling that this was as close as he deserved to get to her? He roughly pushed the uneasy thought from his mind. Still, he stood back as Janis spoke to some of the personnel, both answering and asking questions. After a minute or so, as though those around her could sense that they weren't wanted in the vicinity, they seemed to disperse, walking more than far enough away for John to feel as though he could get enough space for a semi private conversation.
As he approached, Janis remarked, without looking up at him, "Been wondering when you'd wake up."
All in a moment the unease that John felt seemed to disappear. With an easy smile on a face that never used to be able to support one well, John walked around her, a feeling in his chest that felt like it might expand, then burst at any given moment. "Commander." He had meant to call her Janie, low under his breath so that no one else could hear it but her, but something stopped him, had him instead call her her seemingly permanent title.
As he stood, facing her at her side, John took a moment to try to store away in his memories the way she looked. A few strands of errant black hair had come loose from the ponytail she had put it up in, and the always slightly ghoulish light on the Bridge seemed to bathe her pale skin in an ethereal glow. Her golden eyes were animated, full of curiosity and planning. Something that seemed to never leave her in as long as John had known her.
"Figured there'd be one way to lure you out onto the Bridge," Janis explained, leaning back as she stood up straight, then turning to look back at the console she had been leaning on. "and I was hoping I could find out how much of this place you already know about. I found out you know almost everything there is to know about how this place operates. Which is good; I have a major gap in knowledge about this stuff, especially compared to you."
John nodded, a smile that he could not suppress growing across his face as though it had never left. "Good to hear." it felt like he itched with things that he wanted to say. Needed said.
She paused, as though Janis wanted to tell him something. He almost pushed her to tell him what was on her mind when she leaned in closer to him by a few precious, conspiratorial inches, said, "We have a few days till this comes back. You're good enough at all of this, we'll get caught up by that time, no sweat." Before he could say anything to her, Janis stepped away, telling him, "I have a lot to tell the Engineers, or let them tell me. We're gonna talk later, alright?" She winked, nodded slightly.
She never let John say anything in response, already headed out of the Bridge.
He watched her leave, the doors shutting automatically behind her, a barrier between them. Too late did John realize that he hadn't been able to tell her anything, let alone ask her of what she thought of last night.
Perhaps he was imagining it, but everyone on the bridge seemed to be looking at him from the corners of their eyes. Did he look different, somehow?
Janis slipped her hand underneath the modified GREMLIN, still unable to believe Shen's promise that the little machine was lighter than a book. Not a paperback, mind you, but as she lifted it up she had to suppress a gasp.
"There's no way this thing can—what did you say you wanted these to do?"
Behind her back, Janis missed the smile that formed on the young woman's face. "Hacking. Healing. Target Immobilization. You name it."
"But— how ?"
Shen came up next to her, took the shutoff GREMLIN from Janis' hands. "Hey, that sounds an awful lot like doubt. I thought you said you were going to keep an open mind? If you're not, just do that when you're talking to Tygan."
"You think this can take the place of immobilizing subjects up close and personal?"
Shen seemed to relax, her lips catching in an almost devious grin. "Oh, I think that'll be the least of what I can do with one of these, once I figure out how to do it. For now, though, I don't even know if I have a good enough model to share with the soldiers."
"That's a pity—"
Whatever Janis had been about to say was cut off with the soft sound of someone hitting the doorway with their knuckles. Both women turned around to see John standing there, an undeniably awkward look on his face. He said, "I was hoping I could talk to Ja—the Commander."
Again, a feeling of unease, the first time she felt it when he had called her by that title, came up Janis' spine. Nevertheless, she looked over at Shen, about to say something when the other woman spoke, her head turned to look at John.
"And here I was thinking you were coming to talk to me ." The slight, teasing humor in her voice went over the intruder's head.
John glanced over at Shen for a moment before his gaze re-settled on Janis. "Is this a good time?"
What better time for this talk than now ? "Sure, John." She turned, giving Shen an apologetic look before she walked out into the hallway after the man.
She asked him what he wanted, but instead, the man directed her to follow him. Curious, Janis did, letting him lead her to a small alcove in the hallway. She turned into the small space and found herself face to face, alone, with John for the first time since she had left that morning.
John looked vaguely uncomfortable, his hands shoved into his pockets. He even seemed to find it uncomfortable to look her in the eyes, but he still did it nevertheless. "I was hoping—" he cleared his throat, his eyes dancing away from hers. "Wondering when we'd talk about this."
When we would talk about this? Janis wanted to ask him what he thought this conversation was or would be. Instead, she said, "I wanted you to have some time and space first."
John's brow creased as his eyes returned to hers, staring deeply. "Why would I need any of those things?" There it was in John's voice, perhaps unconscious. A biting, snapping annoyance, or at least very close to it.
Fighting the urge to blush, Janis rose a hand out as if she meant to stop the ensuing rush of emotions and words to come. "I needed to get my head clear, I thought—figured—the same could be said of you."
John's eyes seemed to darken until Janis could have been mistaken to ever think that they were brown and not black. "I don't need space, don't need to... to clear my head ," John threw an arm out, nothing more than a passionate gesture, one that he likely didn't think anything of, meant no threat by. Nevertheless it drew Janis' attention, prepared as she had been all morning for this eventual confrontation. "I know what I am. How I feel."
Her heart leaped in her throat, where it remained, stuck, as she spoke half truths. "And we can talk about this kind of thing, later." She didn't blink, stared deeply into John's maelstrom-like eyes until he met her gaze. He was breathing hard, like he had just been running the gamut down in the training room. She wished she didn't understand that this was bound to happen, had read this eventuality in his body even as he laid in calm repose that morning when she had left him.
Her worst fears, she thought, were coming true. Janis had damaged their relationship beyond repair, all because she could not resist being with someone who, at least once, had said he loved her.
She couldn't believe it herself when she said the words: "For now, I thought we could agree on one thing. XCOM comes first." Janis saw it there, in his eyes. It didn't calm him, nowhere close, but that acronym seemed to work on him as though it had been an ingrained command. "I mean it, I'm not saying no to anything, anything between us. Just... not right now." She felt her lips draw in, tight. "And I'm not—I'm not saying no because I didn't like—that is—" God fucking damn it , why was it that all of the times she had had to say good bye to the women who she had fucked been easy, compared to this?
What had given her the cracked idea that she could have sex—her first time with a man—with the one man that she was supposed to be protective over? And that there wouldn't be any fallout from it?
It was her turn to awkwardly clear her throat. Finally, she said, "I think we should put this on ice. At least until we're up in the air." Let John get the good sense he always had back.
To the contrary, the man's face revealed a mind that was at war with itself. Disbelief, shock, anger?—it was hard, almost impossible for Janis to figure out what he was feeling. In many ways, this wasn't the young man she watched grow from a sullen bully into a respectable, reliable man she had been proud to call her second hand. He was nearly a stranger.
Why, in more ways than one, Janis found him so deeply fascinating.
More than enough reason for her to turn and walk away before he had a chance of saying, doing, anything that both would later regret.
The whole thing was dicey. A part of her had thought that John would somehow be ready as soon as she told him what she thought of where their relationship could go. Even when that didn't go the way she had been hoping, it was why she gave him a day to himself, some time to recuperate following the last conversation they had had. She figured, after all, somewhere in him had to still be the man who would have followed her to hell and back without a word to the contrary. So it hurt, to see that the man did indeed have no intention of showing up to this meeting.
Standing in the room with both of the heads of the differing departments, it took a lot for Janis to not want to blush a bright red in embarrassment. Finally the silence that had grown in the room was broken by Tygan.
"We need to get a move on, Commander," he said. "We have a limited window with which to prepare for our pivotal first week."
Janis took in a deep breath and considered her options.
John had gotten the summons, she was given a vocal receipt from the apologetic woman who had gone to tell him that he was to show up to this meeting. The problem was that this was not the kind of meeting they could have without the pivotal last person in it. She knew John was likely more than upset with her—the look she had seen on his face before she had left had more than told her that—but that he would ignore a direct summons from her left her more than angry. Janis was completely blindsided by the novel feeling, of John Bradford not obeying her.
It was like they were back to square one. And she couldn't shake the feeling that it was her fault. It would have been impossible for what she was feeling to not show on her face.
It was Shen who spoke up, pity—enragingly—in her voice. "Don't worry, I can go. Bring a guard with me, if I have to—"
Janis, who had been standing with her hand on the table, turned around, away from the two pitying department heads. "No, you stay here, I'll get him on my own."
Before either could argue with her, Janis walked out of the room, in a beeline for the very same room she had been a more than willing visitor to just two days ago. She didn't bother to knock, although she knew for sure this time that the man was inside. Gone was any propriety, any lingering feeling she had for this man as her oldest, dearest friend. As she used her skeleton keycard to get inside, Janis quickly discovered the man in question sat on a chair, facing the wall to the left of the door.
He was immediately, obviously, shocked by her sudden appearance. He jumped in his seat, eyes wide with surprise, mouth fallen open. As soon as the door closed behind her, he said, "Commander—"
Janis rose a hand up to silence him, sure that she was shaking with rage, hoping that it did not show in her hand. "Bradford, you will accompany me to the meeting you were told began fifteen minutes ago or you will face a tribunal of me, Shen, and Tygan. And let me tell you: Richard is already not the biggest fan of you, following your recent behavior, and if you think that Lily likes you, I have news for you— he loves XCOM more." She took a steadying breath in, knew that her rage was apparent on her face.
How could she not be angry? After everything she had shared with this man, not just that night but all through the years they spent together, she thought that he respected her. Respected the organization.
She had counted on throwing John off balance but had not counted on him getting up from his seat and walking the distance between them quicker than she would have hoped for. Soon she was standing in front of her old once-Second in Command, every inch of him looking like he was ready to fight.
Some things in life were true: the height on a person really had no effect on the impression they gave off. At that moment, John looked like the embodiment of every minute he worked out, every injury inflicted on his body and soul, his face was an accurate representation of exactly what he was feeling. Which was pissed off.
Unfortunately there was another impression, a definite memory, which Janis could not scratch out of her head even in that moment. Of just how strong she knew he was when he decided to put that body to good use.
"Janie, you should know better than to doubt my allegiance to not only XCOM, but to you. Don't need to be at a meeting to know how to do my job, so if the only reason you came in here is to chastise me then you can just walk out the way you came."
Janis stared at the man, too astonished at first to react. Thankfully that moment passed. "I think you should try listening to yourself for a change. You hold a key position here, for chrissakes. It's time you started acting like it."
That did nothing to calm the man down. "I don't care who you are, not going to be threatened—not by someone who wasn't there when we needed you most, when I needed you," there was no time to reflect on what he said as he launched into his next diatribe. "rest assured that when it's time to fight back at ADVENT that I'm going to hit with every bit of fire I have in me."
And, judging by the fire she saw in his eyes, it wasn't going to be an inconsequential one.
That promise—in spite of the fact that Janis was sure she could smell the telltale fumes of alcohol on his breath—calmed her down. Not totally, but enough to make her feel like her head was secured back on her shoulders. "That's right, that's why we need you to come and participate. We need you, but we need you... straight." she looked at him meaningfully.
Unfortunately in his state, John either couldn't or just wouldn't catch her meaning. His brows knitted tight, and he stared at her. His voice lowered, sounding dangerous. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Janis clenched her eyes shut. "Let's not do this, John. Please, you have to stop with the drinking—"
"I don't have to stop a damn thing. Last time I checked, a superior doesn't have any right to tell their underling what the hell they have the right to do with their free time."
She meant to tell him that what he did, as long as it was something destructive like his drinking, was her business. If not as a Commander, then as a lifelong friend.
Instead, Janis felt herself saying, "That's why I wanted you to come to the meeting. As of today, you don't need to worry about any position I have over you." She turned, started to walk out, only found the strength to look at the shocked face John was giving her for a moment as she added, "I'm making it official: I have no intention of taking the role of Command. And I expect you to take that role in my stead."
"Well, that wasn't very nice."
Janis felt her jaw setting into a tight line on her face. She had always fantasized about what kind of a woman she'd be, if ever she got the chance to live as one. Although she might have sheepishly told someone that being "nice" was one thing she would have wanted, in all honesty it was something she wouldn't have cared about if she tried. She hadn't lived as a male imposter for over thirty years and more than enough change as someone that could be described as "nice". Why would the transformation into a woman's body leave her with a character trait she had never been able to express previously?
But, well, even Janis had to admit that the voice's owner, Jane Kelly, wasn't wrong. Even by her standards leaving John to process that information had been really cruel.
They had gotten the story out of her in gradual pieces. Heartless, really, refusing to let Janis sit and stew in her room—or, rather, what was for the moment her room—and just smother herself in depression for the night. Sat in the bar sandwiched between Jane and Lily Shen, Janis found that the old adage, her usual standby—that it was for someone else's own good—dried up in her throat before she could say it aloud. Instead she just sighed and stuffed a handful of bar nuts into her mouth and considered herself lucky in the fact that John hadn't—yet—made an appearance in the bar.
This time it was Lily's turn to remark, saying, "You know, I'm no biologist, but I'd hesitate before I put any of those in my mouth."
Instead of laughing, Janis stared at the back wall of the bar, at the collected artifacts, and said, "We don't have very long until we're sending people out on their first mission." Worry, over the impending, official resurrection of the XCOM Initiative, was more than enough of something to worry over. Adding to that the fear of the mental state of the de facto soon to be Commander. At least, he would be, unless he found some way to royally fuck it up.
And, a bitter thought crossing Janis' mind said, John had always been a person who was exceptional at exceeding expectations
Lily spoke up, leaning back in her stool. "Yeah, I know we're all supposed to be scared and worried. To be honest, I've been preparing for this day since dad told me about the original XCOM. I'm ready to go yesterday." She grinned, the smile fitting her face better than any expression Janis had ever seen her wear.
Janis mirrored Lily's relaxed pose, washing down the taste of the nuts with the alcoholic seltzer. Her drinking habits had always been the girliest thing about her, and once upon a time it was a preference she used to hide while in group events. "I wish I had your enthusiasm could rub off on me."
"About that," Kelly spoke up. "I was wondering—what's your plan, if it's not as the Commander?"
Janis took a thoughtful drink out of her tall glass of pink, tart seltzer, then said, "I figure John'll need all the help he can get till he gets on his feet." She looked at the woman, mildly surprised to see the concern on the woman's face. "Hey, don't worry, I'm not going anywhere anytime soon."
Lily leaned on the bar on an elbow and looked at both women, a soft smile on her mouth. "So, speaking of him —"
Janis sighed and rested a hand on her forehead. "All I ever seem to talk about nowadays."
"Hey," Kelly asked. "what do you expect? I mean, really?"
Janis thought about that for a second, struggling to figure out the meaning behind her words. Did she mean because of the importance John held in the Initiative? Was it because of this mild drama that became of Janis trying to quietly step down from the role that had been foisted on her two decades after she effectively lost it? Or could it be something that she thought she was hiding better than she might have been...
She groaned. "You know, not everything between us has to be fodder for the weird bet you guys have set up."
They were too quiet for a moment too long, otherwise their shared murmurs of denial, of knowing exactly what she was talking about, might have been mildly believable. It was Lily who said, "I normally make a habit of staying out of peoples' business—"
"Could have fooled me."
"But there's not much happening right now. Take whatever entertainment we can find. Especially the kind that doesn't involve people dying. Or our planet being in the control of an alien force that seems so unimaginably big compared to all of us that it's hard to envision being able to survive fighting back. Let alone winning."
Janis wanted to tell them that this weirdness with everyone was beyond what she was willing to imagine for too long. After all, Lily just said it: none of them knew, working in XCOM, if any of them would even survive for long enough to do real damage to ADVENT. Let alone actually live long enough to try to accomplish anything.
Like trying to mend an old relationship that she had stupidly lit the spark in, anew.
Janis said, "More the reason why no one should be obsessed with my personal life , of all things." When both women were quiet, she found that she just felt bad about snapping at them.
To be honest, even the questions of what was going on in the relationship she and John shared was something that didn't bother her. When the man himself had made it too clear about how he felt for her, her major concern for their privacy had been settled. Still, who would have thought that the young man who had struggled with expressing his emotions to his first real friend and confidant would end up unceremoniously doing everything short of yelling them out atop one of the canyons outside now?
After all, her first issue had been damaging his reputation from being with someone like her.
That thought made her wince. Trying to push away the feeling that she wasn't a woman, like the two who sat around her, was still a mental barrier that Janis feared she would never get over. It was so real, in spite of years of therapy and endless self-affirmations, that it had been no small part of the reason why she had so stupidly launched herself at John the way she did. She had made her own bet to herself: that there was no way that John was actually attracted to her. She could prove it in the oldest, crudest way possible. And then she could have reliable Johnny back. And it had, soundly, blown up, right in front of her face.
Just thinking about it all made her wish for something stronger to drink, or a whole hell of a lot more of her hard seltzers. And for the time being, the promise of the dark room waiting for her was too much to ignore.
Pushing her seat back, Janis got to her feet, shoving her hands in the pockets of her light jacket. "I think I need to sleep this off." Lame excuse—it was hours till sundown.
Still, the last time Janis looked at either women she saw them exchanging a worried look but neither said anything, letting her walk out of the bar and back to her room.
The walk did do something, blessedly, for clearing her head. As she neared her room, the blinds behind the glass walls drawn, Janis resigned herself to a two part way of doing something about the malignant sadness that felt like a weight in the pit of her stomach. She had a minibar tucked in the corner, in that minibar was a small fridge with a little freezer, and in that freezer were a few pints of ice cream, most left over from her healing period. She meant to down at least a pint, then she would try to find some porn, or, barring that, she could play back memories of her last sexual encounter and jerk off. Then she would try to sleep.
With luck, she would be sleeping in her bed in an hour.
Then she realized that she might not be in for as easy an end to her night as she had been hoping for.
Janis opened the door to her room and realized that the blinds had obscured not the overhead light but rather the light of the floor lamp that sat next to one of the couches. At first she thought that she had just left the light on.
It was a dumb thought to have, as she rested a hand onto the closed door and tried to remember if she had left the light on. No sooner than her hand touched the door than she heard a voice call out to her from the darkened corner of the room.
"I figured it was my turn to show up unannounced, Commander."
Notes:
I finished writing a new fic (ff) last month, and now I am looking down the barrel of the work I have left to do in my OW. I watched a movie last night, and would you look at that, now I have yet another ff idea (on top of at least two more I want to do next year). GAH!
I'm hanging out on the NaNo boards this month, harassing the younglings and whispering naughty things to them. I think I basically already did NaNoWriMo, but alone? Like everything I do, I do it weird. I want the motivation to finish editing. Then I have about a million more things to consider with it. Like making cover art. Fuck.
I like this chapter in retrospect. I usually get annoyed with what feels like contrived means to keep lovers apart (please don't dash my heart, dear readers) but I think their precarious situation makes a very compelling argument for either side. Of course, I am bent towards one side than the other. Take a guess which.
Alright, best of luck if any of you are attempting to scale NaNo (I'll post my profile on that site on my profile here, if you wanted to bother), and good luck even if you aren't doing NaNo!