I didn't want to go to Arizona's. I just wanted to stay at home and feel sorry for myself. But, I was sick of that too. So, I had forced myself, against my will to Arizona's house.
We sat on cushions in her front room on opposite sides of the coffee table. She had my hands soaking in a warm bowl of water whilst she got her stuff together.
"Did you really make this yourself?" I asked.
"Yes," Arizona said annoyed that I didn't believe her. "This shade," She held up a little glass bottle, "Was made with beetroot and purple sweet potato. It is going to be this seasons colour."
"Yeah, but how did you make it into a polish?" I asked.
Arizona sighed, "Well, I don't have all the ingredients so the base is a clear polish I bought but the colour is all mine." She lifted one of my hands from the bowl, dried it and then gave me a little massage with some moisturiser. "So, do you want to talk about Jace?"
My jaw tensed. This was one of the things I worried about. Everyone prying and fussing when all I wanted to do was to go back to how it was. Pretend we were still good. I shut my eyes tightly and saw his pity face.
"I'll take that as a no then." Arizona put my hand down. She picked up a clear base coat and began painting my nails. "Anyone new you like?"
"Do we have to talk about boys?" I snapped.
"No," Arizona replied. "How is your revision for the exams going?"
"Oh Ari, you are just full of light-hearted conversation." I laughed. "Crap, everything is crap."
"I'm worried about you."
"No," I shook my head, "Not you too. Don't give me the pity face."
"Sorry," Arizona blushed, "I just care."
"You know what?" I asked but didn't expect an answer, "I think Fallon is right. This weekend, I need to get so wasted I forget. I have to move on and have fun."
"Yes," Arizona grinned at me. "That's the spirit."
"And, maybe I will pull. But, I'm not looking for love. I'm done with boys, boyfriends and all that. I just want to be naughty, careless and wild."
Arizona placed my hand under a UV lamp to dry the colour. She unscrewed the bottle of polish she had created and shown me the deep violet purple colour, "I was going to call it heartbreak and dedicate it to you but...."
"Call it heartbreak but I'll be the one breaking hearts from now on." I could feel my heartache twisting into something powerful. Like food spoiling, my love for Jace went from something sweet to something bitter that would make your stomach curl. I wanted him to suffer.
"Watch out guys," Arizona sang, "I love this new Kya. She's fierce and unstoppable!"
Yes. I'd make Jace suffer and he wouldn't see it coming.
*****
My hand shook. Deep down, I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knocked on Murray's bedroom door before entering.
He hit a button on his mobile to mute his music, "What do you want?"
I sat on his bed, "I'm in trouble."
"What's up?"
I had been thinking about what Nate had told me about my brother interfering in my romantic life. The only reason I could think that he would do that was to protect me from getting hurt. He would be feeling guilty that his protection had caused me such heartache and would want to do anything to help me, especially if he believed his actions had made my situation worse. I had a plan to use my little fantasy so my brother's overprotective controlling nature would punish Jace.
"Jace won't speak to me," I looked at the floor.
He placed a reassuring arm across my shoulder, "Forget that loser, you'll meet someone really nice when your twenty-one."
I looked at him confused, "Why, twenty-one."
"Finish university before you even think about dating."
This conversation wasn't going in the direction I needed it to. I pretended to cry, "I only want Jace."
"Cut it out Kya, you know I'm no good with the crying," He stood up, "I'll get mum for you?"
"No!" I said alarmed, "No-one must know. Not until I've spoken to Jace."
"Kya, you're frightening me..." He crouched down in front of me, "Why are you so focused on Jace?"
Murray took my hands in his. I focused on my 'heartbreaker' nails as I couldn't look at my brother for fear he'd see the lie in my eyes, "I'm pregnant."
"What!" Murray dropped my hands in my lap and stood. He began pacing back and forth, "How did this happen? No - Don't answer that, I don't want to know the details!" He stopped in front of me, "You have to tell mum."
I grabbed Murray's wrist, "Please don't, I need to tell Jace first."
Murray shook his head, "Is that why you were sick the other day?"
I nodded. It played in nicely with my story.
He sighed heavily and his shoulders dropped with the burden of my news, "You've got twenty-four hours to tell Jace, then we have to tell mum."
"He won't speak to me," I complained. "Can't you... please, Murray, I need your help."
"I'm going to kill him," He growled and I realised what Nate had said about my brother held true. "We're going now!"
Murray grabbed a hooded jacket off the plastic chair by his desk and headed out the door. I followed after him, "Go where?"
"To tell him."
Dread filled me as I realised the magnitude of what I had done but my plan was in action, there was no turning back. I followed after Murray. He looked angry and I was scared to admit the truth. I knew what I was doing was wrong but the way Jace blanked me was wrong too.
"I can't face him," I pleaded in the hope he would let me off and visit Jace alone.
"Mum, or car?" He held the door of his car open and I got in. I didn't want anyone else in on my lie.
Murray passed his driving test over the holidays and dad had given him the keys to one of the cars he received as a thank you gift from a grateful customer after winning them a hefty sum in an international trade case. With his lack of experience and rage, I felt incredibly unsafe in the passenger seat. I put on my seat belt and my fingers clung to the base of my seat.
I thought about stopping Murray but I was angry too. Angry at Jace and his lies. I was certain Jace's friendship with Mariah had not been innocent. His reluctance to admit I was right made me feel paranoid. Now they were together, I felt even more certain. Perhaps, I was crazy. If I was, it was his fault. He made me crazy.
I wanted to wind Murray up further. I wanted Jace to suffer, so I asked, "Does it bother you that Mariah dumped you for Jace?"
His jaw twitched as he clenched his teeth, "We weren't together."
"So, it doesn't bother you?"
He was driving faster than necessary and my questions simply caused him to press harder on the accelerator. He turned the radio up instead of answering my question and that told me he was bothered.
My jaw jutted out as I sulked and watched the houses flash by. What was so special about Mariah that drove my brother and Jace crazy for her?
The brakes screeched as we pulled into Jace's driveway. Murray jumped out the car without bothering to shut his door. I got out my side, fully aware that we were not here for a nice chat. Murray hammered on the door.
"Can you calm down?" I begged, "You're not making this easier."
"What do you expect from me?" He snapped, "Why drag me into this and then expect me to play nice?"
My brow knitted as the reality of what I was doing came crashing down on me. "He might not even be in and his mum is pregnant too."
Murray stepped back and took a long breath to calm down. "You're right," He moved away from the door, "Sorry, I'll be here if you need me."
Jace opened the door, a gentle smile of a greeting on his face but as soon as he realized it was me, the smile dropped. He looked over his shoulder at Murray and raised one eyebrow, "Why are you here?"
"I need to talk to you," I began but wasn't sure what to say. "I need to know what I did wrong? Why can't we be together?"
"Kya, this is..." He began but came to a stop. He started again, "You know I'm with Mariah. You need to move on."
"Tell him," Murray said almost stamping his feet as he joined my side.
"Tell me what?" Jace looked from Murray to me.
"I... I..." I suddenly feared his reaction, "I think I'm pregnant."
"Why are you telling me?" Jace shook his head.
"It's yours you muppet!" Murray yelled. He stepped up onto the porch and got right into Jace's face, "Show some responsibility."
"I can't be!"
Murray's first swung up and undercut Jace in the jaw. Jace stumbled back into his house and then tried to slam the door on us. Murray stuck his foot in the way and howled in pain as the door crashed into his foot. He snarled, "Come here, you coward!"
Jace held the door to, "We never had sex! Tell him Kya! Is this some twisted joke to get me back?"
Murray glared at me, "Kya?"
My face was burning red, "He's lying."
Jace's voice sounded wobbly, "If she's really pregnant, it's not mine. We kissed once and that's it! I think I would remember."
"Is this true?" Murray pulled his foot out of the door and it clicked shut.
I began really crying and begged, "Give me another chance."
Murray pulled his foot out of the door, "For Christ sake!" He swore.
Seeing his dissappointed face caused my shoulders to collapse in on themselves and I choked out the tears.
"Kya? Seriously?" Murray sighed and wrapped me in his arms. He led me back to his car, "You can't make shit like that up. That's not how you get a guy back, he'll think your bat shit crazy."
I sobbed even louder.
"Damn Kya," Murray turned me and held me by the shoulders, "Oh my god, you are so messed up. Stop hiding in your room and talk to mum," He sighed and let me go. I got in the car and as he walked around, I could hear him saying 'you are so messed up' in my head and I knew he was right. I hung my head in shame. Murray drove slowly back to the house in silence. Once we pulled up on the drive of our own house. He turned off the engine and sat next to me and waited patiently for me to calm down. "He's not even that special."
Feeling braver, I looked at him, "Sorry."
Murray smiled, "It felt good to hit him."
I managed a little smile, relieved that he forgave me so easily.
"I word from the wise," Murray looked me dead in the eye, "Never make stuff like that up. Promise."
I nodded. He was right. This wasn't the way to get Jace back. Now, he probably wouldn't ever want to get back with me and I wasn't starting to feel like I wasn't even sure I even wanted him back.