We headed out into the January cold. The sky was half lit as the night came to an end and the early morning sun began to make a start.
Nate led me out the garden gate and once in the alley, he reached for my hand. At first, I wasn't sure and froze still. I saw the slight panic flash across his eyes like someone that had approached a wild animal to quickly. But, I didn't pull away and when I smiled at him, he gave my hand a reassuring squeeze and we began to walk in silence as if nervous that any sound might startle me or alert someone to our presence. We hadn't yet been caught.
The silence filled the air with tension and I was desperate to break it. So I blurted out, "Why don't you want to kiss me?" Instantly I regretted my question and blushed.
"I do," He said and I breathed a sigh of relief, "But, I know I won't stop there."
"Oh," I started burning up, my hand sweating in his. I worried he could feel the dampness and it made me feel even more awkward.
"Maybe, I want you to," I mumbled, lacking the confidence I had intended.
"I see," He grinned.
"I do." I threw my head back and looked at him, feigning my confidence.
"Sounds like rebound?"
"It's not."
"Maybe, I will."
My heart raced at the thought, "Are you worried about Fallon finding out? I won't tell her about us."
"More like Murray."
"My brother?"
"Don't you ever wonder why a hot girl like you doesn't get more interest?"
"I'm not hot," I bowed my head, causing my blonde hair to cascade down around my face.
"Your brother would kill me. He hated Jace for dating you. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't have something to do with your break up."
"No, he's not like..." It started to make sense; his insistence to chaperone all my dates, bringing Mariah as his date... a girl that was so not his type!
"He's made it clear that no-one is to touch his sister. He'd deck me just for saying you're hot."
"That's not fair," I complained. "He goes through girls faster than hot meals!"
"I don't blame him. I'd be the same with Fallon but I wouldn't have any knuckles left if I tried to keep up with her list."
"She's not that bad," I defended my friend.
"My rule is just to hurt anyone that hurts her and so far she's been doing all the heartbreaking. I can't say the same for Jace."
We turned onto the high road that led up towards the cliffs. My heart sunk again hearing his name. I wanted comfort; a cuddle, a kiss. Was this what 'rebound' felt like; a desperate need to feel loved and touched again by someone, anyone. It wasn't fair to treat Nate this way when he was being so kind and I felt bad for using him.
"I can walk myself home."
"Don't be silly."
We were nearing the cliff tops and the wind picked up my hair, rising it like the golden ball of the sun, balancing on the surface of the sea. The sea was dark and looked hard and cold except for the warm reflection of light glimmering like hope in the distance. Perhaps everything wouldn't look so bleak once the day was here. "It's pretty, isn't it?"
"The sunrise?" Nate asked, following my gaze.
"Yeah, full of promise."
He hummed in agreement. We turned the corner to follow the cliff tops along to my house when a bike spun around the corner. They were riding on the pavement as they slammed on their brakes.
"Sorry," He said. My heart knew it was Jace before my eyes identified him. Over his shoulder was a paper-round bag, "Oh."
He registered we were holding hands. There was a long pause as I stood motionless staring at him, wanting him, wishing Nate wasn't here. Then Jace nodded and peddled away.
"You okay?" Nate asked.
My body was cold and felt like ice. Death himself had crawled over my body. The corners of my mouth pulled like a heavyweight and I knew I wasn't alright. Nate's chat the night before had made me more open and vulnerable. I was no longer in control of my emotions and hot tears warmed my cheeks. I wanted the cold, I wanted to be numb.
"No!" I pulled my hand away from his and began to run, batting the tears from my face.
I didn't want warmth or love or anything like that ever again, because all that was left was the pain. I was angry at myself for forgetting. The emptiness was sickening, burning in the pit of my stomach like bile. I wanted to take a knife and cut it away from me; amputate my heart feeding the poison to my body. I couldn't take it anymore.
Rough hands grabbed me and as I tried to shake him off, I fell forward onto the pavement. Nate toppled down with me, gripping my shoulders, he rolled me over. All I saw was red. I shoved him off me. He reached for me again, trying to pull me to my feet, "I'm sorry. Kya..."
"Get off me!" I screamed angrily at him and pushed myself up on my grazed palms, "Leave me the fuck alone!" I started marching home. "For goodness sake, don't follow me!"
Head down, not looking back, I tugged the hood to cover my face. Taking huge breaths as tears continued to roll slowly down my face from my hollow pit of a body. I was alone at last but I still wanted Jace; nobody else would do.
I needed a piece of him to fill the gaping hole in my life. Imagine if I was pregnant with his baby. It was a strange thought. I wasn't even ready for sex and I'd never wanted to be pregnant before, but as soon as the idea came to me, I rubbed my stomach and comforted myself with the idea of a tiny piece of Jace growing inside me. If only...
I arrived home with a smile on my face. Pleased that Nate had left me alone and satisfied with my fantasy pregnancy. I unlocked my front door and crept inside, shutting it gently behind me, I tiptoed up the stairs to bed.
Once under the covers, I placed a comforting hand on my tummy and fell asleep imaging I was pregnant with Jace's baby and that we would live happily ever after.
*****
Cancelling a night out was like committing social suicide. I knew exactly what to expect as I waited by the postbox for Fallon. She would never admit to my face that she was angry I cancelled last minute but she would punish me by insisting they had the best night ever without me - to make sure I know I seriously missed out.
But she wouldn't have wanted my company anyway. Seeing Jace out of the blue had knocked me. I had spent the day in bed, sobbing. I tried to soothe myself with the idea that maybe I was just feeling hormonal and I searched online for pregnancy symptoms to see which I could identify with. I had even managed to convince myself that the dull ache in my belly could be early implantation pains. The rational side of my brain reminded me that this was just a fantasy and then I would cry because I was all alone.
I was taken aback when Fallon greeted me with a look of concern, "Are you feeling better?"
I nodded, feeling a tad guilty for lying.
"The whole night was a disaster. We got in the club, then the Police arrived to do an ID sweep. We managed to get behind the bar and out the backdoor before we got caught but there was an officer with a van parked there!"
"Did you get arrested?"
Kya started laughing, "We ran so fast I thought I would die. We got to the gardens and hid in some bushes. The officer shone his torch right at me, I thought I was done but he moved on."
"He didn't see you?"
"No. We sat in those bushes for most the night. Once we realised we were safe, we couldn't stop laughing. It was so funny, Arizona wet herself laughing - literally!" Fallon bit her lip, "I don't think I was supposed to tell you that bit."
"I won't say anything," I promised.
"We were home by ten! How lame is that?"
"Sounds like the sort of night you'll never forget."
"Yeah, and I met this guy, Brad. We bounced before I got his number."
"If it's meant to be, you'll see him again."
"Exactly, that's why we are going again this weekend." Fallon gave me a knowing look, "No excuses."
*****
We sat on the benches, watching the lads play. When we spoke our words came out in little puffs of cold condensation clouds. They were still talking about the night out I had missed.
"I can't believe you told Kya!" Arizona screamed at Fallon, annoyed she'd told me about the laughing accident. "Please, don't tell anyone else. I am dying."
"Chill. It's between friends. I wouldn't tell anyone outside our group." Fallon promised. "If anyone ever made fun of you, it would be them that would die. You know this."
"Thanks," Arizona looked relieved, "I know."
"Have you guys thought about what you are doing for your work experience?" Fallon asked. We had been told during the school assembly that we would get a chance to speak to the Career Adviser this month about our futures and they would support us in getting a placement or we could find one ourselves."
"No idea," I sighed. Recently, the only future I had wished for was one where I was back with Jace and the crazy notion of having his baby. I was pretty sure the career advisor wouldn't support the notion of stay-at-home mum as a suitable career choice?
Jace was on the pitch busy playing. I wondered whether he felt jealous seeing me with Nate. Did he think we were together. Had he told anyone? I needed to speak with him and let him know it was nothing. Maybe, if I could speak to him, we could get back together.
"I want to work in a lab, developing cruelty-free beauty products," Arizona said proudly.
"Do you?" Fallon looked impressed, "I didn't know that."
"I've recently been looking into it but there are no laboratories round here. So, the school will get me to assist a science class or work in a shop selling cruelty free products."
"Probably," Fallon shrugged, "They're so lame. My sister wanted to be a fashion designer so they sent her to work at a nursery as they do 'drawing'." We all laughed and shook our heads - our Careers Adviser was creative at finding a way of bending a job to fit the skills we needed for our career goals. "That's why I am going to get my own placement."
"How?" I asked. We all knew that Fallon had her heart set on getting into law.
"You know that awkward lad - Rian Kenned?" We both nodded, "His dad is the founding partner of Kenned Law in town. I'm going to see if I can get in via Rian."
My friends were so focused on what they plan to do when older and it made me feel stupid that I hadn't given it any thought. My plan was just to get through each day, maybe pass some exams. It was all too much, how was I supposed to concentrate on anything when Jace was a ticking bomb of information I didn't want him to tell Fallon. If she heard I was with Nate she wouldn't be protecting me anymore, she would be after my blood.
I sighed.
"What's up?" Arizona leaned close. Her dark brown eyes, warm and full of comfort.
"I just wish I had your vision."
"Come over tonight, I'll give you a manicure with my new home-made nail polish and we can hash out some ideas." Arizona offered.
"You make nail polish?" Fallon was impressed.
"Well, Kya will be my first guinea pig." Arizona laughed, "I am serious about starting my own makeup line. I don't think there are enough colours on the market for women of colour."
The bell rang and everyone began moving in
"Well, even if I am not your target audience, I will be your biggest fan," Fallon promised.
"My line will embrace all ethnicities but I'll be sure to have a limited edition shade just for you." Arizona and Fallon linked arms as they began moving towards the school building, "We could call it Super Fan Fallon."
"I think I need to help you with the shade names." Fallon laughed.
I slowly collected my things from the bench to put in my bag. I was taking my time to allow Jace to reach me so we could walk in together, like we used to, and talk. As he passed me, I jumped up and increased the speed of my footsteps to match his.
"Hi," I said as I reached his side.
He looked at me awkwardly, "I'm with Mariah."
"I know but I thought we could talk."
"I'm not interested. Try Nate," He jogged the last few yards into the school to create a distance between us.
I tried to catch him at lunchtime but as soon as he saw me, he skipped lunch and headed out to the playing field. He was surrounded by the other lads, chasing a ball, I wasn't able to speak to him.
During the last break, I waited under the stairwell. I was going to try the trick I had learnt from Nate. When Jace walked past, I grabbed his arm and pulled him out of the crowd.
"What are you doing?" He snapped.
"Nate is just a friend."
He shrugged, "You're not my girlfriend. Go out with whoever."
"We're not like that."
"I don't care," He shook my hand off his arm, "Leave me alone."
"I can't!" I begged.
"Don't make this harder on yourself."
He looked at me with pity as he joined the swarms of students and disappeared out of sight. Leaving me alone. His words slammed into my gut. I felt suffocated by my own pain. People walked by, busily on their way to class, oblivious to my inner turmoil. I felt trapped at that moment, the darkness blinding me. I sunk to the floor and as the corridors quietened, the only sound to be heard was my broken breaths as I cried.
I felt sick and rested a hand on my stomach. Then, I remembered my baby. I imagined it looking like a tiny dot of light. Glowing. Burning. Healing me. Bringing me back from my depths. I wiped the tears from my eyes and smiled.
How dare he look at me with pity!