"So, we'll meet at mine for 8:00pm." Fallon said, eyeing us expectantly and we both nodded.
We were sitting on the back of a bench, our feet on the seat discussing our plans for the weekend. This was our usual lunchtime hangout spot as it provided excellent views of the guys playing football.
However, I wasn't enjoying it as much as usual due to my ex-boyfriend looking like he was having too much of a good time with his mates. I'd suggested we go someplace else but Fallon felt it best that if he was acting like nothing bothered him that I should too. This had forced me to be more enthusiastic about clubbing than I might have; at least it was a distraction.
"Can I stay over?" Arizona asked Fallon. "I can't see dad agreeing I can stay out that late."
"Sure. What about you Kya?"
"I got away with sneaking out Christmas Eve; sure I can do it again." It wasn't like me to be rebellious but I didn't feel much like myself anymore. The cheeky smirk was quickly wiped off my face like a bucket of cold ice over my head. Her bright red hair with loose curls made its way around the sidelines of the field. Jace spotted his best friend Mariah. She'd never come to watch him play before but he ran up to her enthusiastically cheering her nickname "Freckles. You came."
I wanted to puke. I wanted to rip her hair out. The other lads all taunted and jeered, picking up on the change in their relationship. It was so obvious, like a bitch slap across the face.
"Oh my god! He's not seriously seeing her? I thought she was the ugly friend he felt sorry for? What the hell is he thinking?" Fallon spat.
I'd lent her my dress so she could go to the mistletoe disco. Now she was dating him! The backstabbing bitch! I gritted my teeth to force myself not to cry in front of everyone. I was so angry I wanted to scream. Fallon was doing all the talking for me as I watched Jace place a kiss on Mariah's forehead.
"How dare she come here! Stupid bitch is going to get what's coming to her. Don't you worry!" Fallon pushed herself up off the bench and started making her way over to Mariah.
My fists clenched up and my nails dug into my palms. I couldn't make out what Fallon was saying but I hoped Mariah would say something stupid and Fallon would pound her face in. Maybe, with a broken nose and missing teeth, Jace would be scared back into my arms where he belongs.
I'd been so nice to her, understanding that he was her friend and they didn't see each other often, cancelled dates for her... only for her to take him away from me. Why couldn't she have let Jace and I be happy?
"Are you okay?" Arizona whispered into the silence.
I hate it when people ask me that when I'm trying to hold back tears. Their words like fire licking across my eyeball, forcing me to acknowledge the pain of my losing battle. I jumped up from the bench and grabbed my bag, racing into the school.
"Kya! Kya!" I could hear Arizona chasing after me but it just made me run faster. I didn't want to talk about it. I wanted to calm down and forget as if it never happened as if it never hurt. I turned and was about to head into the girls' toilets when I realised that it would be the first place Arizona would look for me. So, I kept going and soon I was out the front of the school. I stopped and took a deep breath.
The person I was becoming was a stranger to me. I'd never been late for a lesson, never ran out of the school and I'd never wished anyone harm before.
Deep down, I knew they liked each other more than friends but convinced myself it was paranoia or jealousy and now I felt stupid. That's why I was really mad if I dug deep, that was what was at the bottom; I felt like a fool.
I dug out my mobile phone and text Nate.
"You were right, things have got harder."
I wasn't sure what to do with myself. What do I do now that I am out of school and everybody else is either in school or at work? The sort of student that would be truant wasn't on my friend list and I had no idea what they do with their stolen time. Maybe they had good reasons for not going to school, maybe they were hurting somehow and I wasn't so alone. My mind was made up, I wasn't going back to school, not today. My feet were moving, I knew instinctively I was making my way home.
My phone beeped. I glanced at the screen.
Nate: Where are you, gorgeous?
Kya: Walking home
My feet were light as if I had taken flight out of the school, but now they felt heavy and wrong. Like elastic bands tied around my ankles, pulling at me to return. The further I got the more they tugged and the harder it was to press on. My pace slowed with the effort. This wasn't me. I wasn't the girl that bunk offs for the afternoon.
I was frustrated with my inner conflict; not wanting to return to school and not wanting to skip school. Worried someone would see me, I turned into the back alley where some business ran workshops and garages. My heart thudded as I walked past the open doors and could see men hard at work, waiting for one of them to look up and question what a young girl was doing out of school. They were too busy to notice or care.
My phone began to ring. It was Nate.
I took a deep breath and pulled the phone from my bag. "Hi, Nate."
"Where are you?" He panted down the phone as if he had been running.
"Down Bridge Road; the alley off the bridge that runs behind St Andrews."
"I'm in St Andrews. I'll meet you at the far end of the alley."
"Thanks," I say surprised that he came.
"See you in a minute."
"Okay." I agree.
I've never been down this alley before. I didn't realise how busy it was. The garages have cars parked everywhere and mechanics running around, I can't see how anyone could drive down this bumpy track. I'm sure the way becomes more uneven as I reach the end of the alley and the path turns sharply to the right, into St Andrews Road. The end of the alley is narrow and definitely only small enough for people to walk, not for cars to drive. Sure enough at the end, I can see Nate's concerned face. He starts walking towards me and we meet in the middle. He pulls me into a warm hug. I hadn't realised I was cold until I feel his hot body forced upon me, engulfing me with his scent.
"It's gonna be okay Kya. I'm gonna make sure of it." Nate rubs my back and squeezes me into him. I felt stiff and didn't welcome his embrace. My shields were up and I didn't want to cry. "You just gotta trust me and do what I say."
Desperate to feel myself again, I wanted to trust him. A voice in my head was ringing like an alarm bell. Something wasn't right, something felt wrong but I couldn't place what it was.
He held me at arm's length, gripping me by my upper arms. "Can you do that for me?" He asked.
I nodded, unsure what the question was but I couldn't speak. The tears were waiting to reign free but I wouldn't let them. His closeness and comfort made me feel I could share my pain with Nate. A drink might wash that lump away...
"Good." Nate looked pleased and loosened his grip on me. He then began running his hands up and down my arms as if trying to warm me up, "you are going to be okay." He reassured me.
It was bubbling inside me; the hurt and pain, the frustration and loss, the anger and stupidity. All of it rising up inside me, choking me, and making it difficult to swallow. "A drink?" I croaked.
Nate nodded, "There's a cafe at the end of this road. I'll treat you."
I smiled. We began making our way out of the alley. He was leading me.
He looked back over his shoulder and winked at me, "You just gotta trust me Kya. Everything will be okay. You just listen to me and do as I say."
There it was again; his request for my trust that had not yet been earned. I'd always been so trusting before but now there was fear. Fear that if I let anyone get as close as Jace that they would hurt me again. My walls were up and even though I could listen and do as he said, I wasn't sure I could ever trust anyone again.
"Put this on." Nate unzipped his burgundy jacket. He slipped it off and handed it to me. He shivered in his thin khaki t-shirt.
"You'll get cold," I shook my head and refused to take the jacket.
"You're school uniform will get you caught. I'll be fine."
I quickly slid my arms into his jacket. The fleece lining was still warm from his body heat and I could smell him in the material, reminding me of our hug.
*****
Dad picked me up from Fallon's at 9:00 pm. He had no idea that we'd spent the evening planning what we'd wear tomorrow night clubbing and how we'd do our hair. He thought I was being good, ringing him and getting home on time.
"Your mum is still not happy with that stunt you pulled on Christmas Eve." Dad reminded me, not taking his eyes off the road.
"I know," I sighed. "I just really wanted to go to the party and knew she would say no."
"That's no excuse Kya," He said sternly. "I've told her it was a one-off. A rash decision being upset over that boy."
I groaned and sunk into the car seat, "I'm fine, honestly."
"I've told her that I don't think you'll do it again, will you?"
I gulped a lump in my throat. Neither dad nor Fallon knew that Saturday night wasn't going to be my only rebellion. "I promise."
"You've got some making up to do. Perhaps you could help her out at the cafe sometime."
Mum was always wanting help at the cafe and although she paid us it cut into our weekends, "I've got to revise for my exams otherwise I would." I fidgets in my seat, lying was coming like second nature.
"Of course." Dad pulled into the driveway. "If you need any help, I'm here for you."
"Thanks, dad," I said as I got out the car. He unlocked the front door and we went in. We hung our coats in the hallway and as I stood on my tiptoes on the bottom step, I leaned over to give my dad a kiss on the cheek, "Thanks for picking me up. I'm going to get an early night."
"No worries," as he smiled his eyes wrinkled at the corners.
Upstairs, I went through my usual evening routine, visiting the bathroom to brush my teeth and ran the water as if I was washing the make-up from my face. Then, returning to my room, I got my pyjamas from the drawer and laid them out on the bed ready to put on, except, I wouldn't put them on until much later. I switched off the light and opened my bedroom window.
I was unsure it was even possible, but the kitchen roof sloped off just beneath my window. I climbed over the sill and dangled my foot over the edge. The roof below felt suddenly further away than I imagined. I let myself go and I dropped down lightly. It wasn't as far as I'd fret. Still, I wasn't sure I'd be able to pull myself back in later but now I was out, I might as well carry on with my misdemeanour.
Walking along the sloped tiles was a little tricky and I ended up crouching and sliding along on my bum. As I reached the lower end, I listened carefully to the sounds of the kitchen. The light was on and I could hear the faint sound of my parents talking. I could just make out my mum's concern that I'd gone to bed so early and my dad reassuring her that I just needed time to get over 'that boy'. The fact my parents cared touched me in a painful way and was a conflicting comfort. The light from the window went out and I identified the darkness as the signal that it was safe to go.
There was no easy way down. I would just have to jump onto the grass and hope. I hung my legs over the edge and took a deep breath. Here goes.... thud... I landed in a crouched position in my back garden, free from my curfew.
Being out, without permission felt more dangerous; as I hit the streets, I felt as if people were watching and knew that I was being naughty. I expected someone to step out the shadows, grab my wrist and march me home to my parents.
I moved quickly, almost running. I wasn't wearing a coat, I hadn't wanted my parents to know what I was up to but now I was cold despite the adrenaline pumping through me and making me sweat. Rushing, I almost didn't see my brother.
Quickly, I ducked behind a car before Murray saw me. He was allowed out later than me. I cursed myself for not being more careful. Next time, I'd make sure he was in first. If he'd seen me, I would have been busted.
I spied on him from beneath the car I was ducked behind. His new white sneakers made their way past me. I kept worrying that someone would walk by and see me and ask what I was doing. Once I was certain he had gone, I started racing towards my destination.
I could see Fallon's house up ahead, but tonight I turned into the alleyway that ran behind the row of houses. The dirty track allowed the houses access to their back gates and was often in use on bin day. Once I reached Fallon's back gate, I reached my arm over to undo the bolt and let myself in.
"Hey, gorgeous!"
I almost leapt out my skin at the sound of his voice. It was Nate and although I was here to meet him I was still startled. I'd just hurried here, avoiding all human contact and it made me feel caught. My heart thudded in my chest.
"You alright?"
I nodded, "You just made me jump."
"Are you cold?" He ran a hand along my arm.
I shook my head. "Just nervous."
"Why?" He looked baffled.
"Scared, we'll get caught," I confessed.
"We won't." He leant close and placed a gentle kiss on my lips.
It tingled and scared me. I wasn't ready to like someone again. I wasn't over hurting yet. I couldn't deal with the pain twice and this wasn't what we'd agreed, "No, Nate. I can't."
"Okay." He looked wounded and I felt guilty. He was only trying to help me and I was making him feel bad.
He led me into the summer house. Inside was like a small lounge with a leather sofa and a flat screen T.V. against the opposite wall. There was a dresser against the far wall and a rug in the middle. In the corner was a black leather futon. Nate sat on the sofa, making himself comfy, he patted the seat next to him.
I joined him. "Now what?" I wondered.
"We keep each other's secrets." Nate looked intently into my eyes. "You can tell me anything."
"What secrets do you have?"
"You."
I raised an eyebrow and looked at him with a puzzled expression.
"I've liked you for ages. Surely you knew?"
I shook my head.
"We've got a rule. Fallon doesn't go out with any of my mates and vice versa. I would have let you be if she hadn't asked me to kiss you."
I blushed.
"I promised to rebuild your confidence and if I achieve more, that is a bonus. But first I'm going to help you get over Jace." He shook his head, "He was crazy to let you go."
Hearing Jace's name brought it all crashing to the surface but it felt different now like he had invited the pain into the room; our hideaway. We were hidden away from the outside world, our safe little space. No matter how much I clenched my jaw I could feel the pain stabbing at my eyes. Nate wrapped an arm around me, pulling me into him, "It's okay Kya. I've got you now."
Slowly his captivating scent changed from something I feared to be caught by, into something that soothed me. The tears that I had held in for too long found their way out and I shut my eyes as he embraced me.
Something tickled my cheek. It felt nice and soothing and I smiled as my eyes opened. Nate still held me and his finger ran up and down the side of my face, stroking me. I snuggled into all the goodness he made me feel. My eyes shut and I felt peace for the first time since Christmas.
"Oh Kya, don't make this difficult." He said fondly. "But I need to get you home before your parents find you gone."
"Mmm," I cooed sleepily and then realised what I was doing. I let him go and sat upright. "Sorry." I blushed.
"You're alright Kya." He said getting up, "But, keep teasing me like that and I'll give you what you want."
"And, what do you think that is?" I revealed in his attention.
Nate got up and pulled me up with him. He stood close, his lips almost touching mine. "Enough about what you want. You're not ready for it - yet. Let's focus on getting you home, gorgeous."
I breathed the same air as him. I wanted to kiss him so badly and he knew it. He wanted to kiss me too, it was obvious in everything he said and did but he wouldn't. It didn't make sense; why would he even care whether I was ready or not. Aren't guys like that, just doing what they want because they can? Look at Jace with Mariah. He didn't care that he was hurting me, flaunting their 'togetherness', making a fool of me.
Nate put his fleece jacket over my shoulders. "Here you go."
Probably, all my crying that put him off.