A broken heart is such a minimalistic term, I thought. It should be called a broken body. My entire being was submerged in pain and I had no idea how to resurface. Silent tears streamed nonstop, I didn't even have the energy to cry in earnest.
This morning I woke up with a heart bursting with love and hope. Can's scent was still on my pillows, the threat of losing him forever made me frantic and I decided to take the leap, live my life on my own terms and grab this incredible unexpected love with both hands. I rushed to his side dreaming of ending the day in his arms, seeing his dazzling smile when I surrendered my heart to him. And now I was in mourning, cold, alone and stunned into immobility.
You're the last woman I'd ever consider marrying
Those words would haunt me until the day I died.
I don't know how I got back to the house or how I ended up in bed with Ayhan worriedly wiping my tears. I clutched the scarf in my hand.
"Sanemsie, please tell me what's wrong. If you don't I'll call you to know who and you don't want that. Do you?"
I didn't care. I found it hard to care about anything right now.
Eventually, I fell into a fitful sleep and dreamt of a dazzling dimpled smile, of lips trailing softly over my face, melting brown eyes and a low raspy voice whispering in my ear, I don't love you. Why don't you understand?
I woke up with a start. I felt my lungs seize up and the panic started to crawl slowly over me. Ayhan was snoring softly next to me. I ran into the bathroom so as not to wake her but it was too late, her terrified face appeared in my wavering vision. She got up to call for help but I shook my head wildly.
Focus on me
I heard his voice and saw his concerned face in my mind. I closed my eyes and remembered breathing with him, his strong arms holding me protectively.
When I emerged from the worst of it, Ayhan watched me with fearful eyes.
"Please tell me what is happening?"
"I'm okay," I tried a wobbly smile and she gave me a skeptical look.
"Do you think I'm turning into our mother?" I asked her while she wiped my face with a cool cloth.
"You have a heart. You could never turn into her. What is going on with you? I've never seen you like this."
"I fell in love."
She looked at me doubtfully, "I've never been in love before but if it's going to make me look like a zombie, no offense, I want no part of it...Oh my God!" She exclaimed, "it's Mr. Tall, Buff, and Handsome, isn't it?"
"Who?" I asked momentarily startled out of my grief.
"A sound woke me up early and I looked out of the window to investigate, and there was this gorgeous man swinging off your window like a fully dressed Tarzan. I thought maybe I was still asleep but then he dropped down to the ground, saw me and winked at me. Winked!" She put her hand over the heart and pretended to swoon, "and it took me like ten minutes to recover. I don't think I have recovered, actually. I ran up here to check on you but you were sleeping. So I figured you had been a bad girl," she wiggled her eyebrows up and down, "So now you have to tell me everything! But first, he didn't hurt you, did he? Because I will hunt him down and throat punch him. I don't care how pretty he is."
"I hurt him. So much. Over and over again," and a sob ripped from my chest.
I sat on the floor of the bathroom and sobbed out most of the story to my little sister.
"Did you mean those things you said to him? Do you think he's beneath you?"
"No! No... and now he thinks I do. He's the most incredible, remarkable person I've ever met. I don't know why I said those things" I pressed the scarf to my face. There was a hint of his scent and mine combined and it ripped my heart open all over again.
"Why do you have to choose, Sanem? Why can't you have it all? The feminist in me doesn't want you to give up your dream but that dream is being held hostage right now by a very wicked witch. So you have to decide what's more important to you. I see you right now and I can tell what's more important but you have to make that decision for yourself."
She put her arms around me.
"When did you get so wise?" I asked her.
"You mean awesome. And I've always been awesome."
A few days later, Ayhan went back to school and I gathered what was left of my heart and went back home to start again.
****
I drifted through life like a ghost. Days turned into weeks and I spent those unending days haunted by memories of him, of his scent, his rough whispers when he was in the grips of passion, his heated kisses, the way he tried to restrain himself when he was aroused but couldn't help touching me. Most of all I was haunted by the dawning realization that he was right, I was turning into my mother. Nothing terrified me more than that.
My position in life is such that a marriage between us would be seen by some as diminishing.
I sounded like the worst, most despicable sort of snob. I replayed the words in my head over and over and I wanted to die.
I tortured myself by reliving every word, every look, every nightmarish moment was tattooed in my mind's eye. The thought that he was existing somewhere in the world thinking badly of me made my heart break all over again. Everything in me was thrown into upheaval. Who was I? Turned out I had no clue. I'd spent so many years molding myself into my mother's perfect daughter that I lost myself somewhere along the line. The only time I felt genuine was in Can's arms. But I couldn't think of him without spiraling into self-loathing. I had never felt so alone. I spent my free time writing furiously afraid that if I didn't get every single moment down on paper, it would vanish just like he did. I became determined to recover my old self, whoever I had been before I turned into an imposter so I began going to therapy where I learned about setting boundaries. My mother ran roughshod over me because I had none.
I avoided my mother more than usual, I couldn't see her, not while I was so weak. Mother scented weakness like a shark scented blood. But eventually, I couldn't avoid her any longer and I had to make an appearance at one of her interminable dinner parties. "You look terrible," she said without preamble when I took my seat.
"Hello to you, too," I said too weary to watch my words.
"We need to talk soon. It is past time to start planning an engagement party. We've waited long enough, people are starting to talk and Yiğit is getting impatient."
My stomach turned and my lungs seized. I wasn't afraid of her, but I had an almost pathological fear of disappointing her. And she knew it, I knew now that she used that fear to keep me docile. A searing rage burned through me at the thought of all I had sacrificed for her love and acceptance. Which I now realized I would never get no matter what I did. I let my bitterness and anger course through me and said quietly,
"No."
"Excuse me?"
"No," I said louder this time. And it felt so damn good I said it again, "No."
"I won't marry him. I don't love him."
The look of stupefaction on her face brought a bitter smile to my lips.
"Have you lost your mind? She whispered furiously, "this has been the plan all along. Have you forgotten what's on the line?"
All the resentment that had built over a lifetime started bubbling up to the surface and gleefully I let it erupt.
"No, this was your plan, not mine. And I haven't forgotten what you keep holding over my head. But I won't sell myself for it. I've compromised enough, given up so much. I even hurt my sister," I blinked away tears, "and for what? For fear of disappointing you, for this inexplicable need to gain your affection? Well, I'm done. This is me telling you that your days of manipulating me like a puppet are over. If I don't get this position on my own merits then you can take it and shove it!"
She gasped in outrage.
I lifted my chin and walked out leaving behind me a roomful of gaping jaws and shocked stares.
I went to my room expecting the panic to strike. But nothing happened. Instead of panic, I felt a lightness in my bruised heart. For the first time in my life, I felt unburdened and... free. I glanced at the albatross mural on my wall and I finally saw it for what it was. Freedom.
But there was still one thing weighing heavily on my mind. Leyla... What I did was so wrong, I knew it from the beginning but I convinced myself that the ends justified the means. The thought of what I did filled me with shame now. I had to come clean while I was feeling brave. I picked up my phone with shaking hands. "Leyla, I have something to confess..."
****
I was putting the finishing touches on Can's scent when my mother walked into the room I used as a lab of sorts. She'd waited a whole day to corner me but I was used to that. When I stepped out of line she usually left me alone to think about the error of my ways. And almost always I'd be repentant and eager to get back on her good side. This time nothing occupied my mind other than getting Leyla home as soon as she wrapped some loose ends.
"I hope you've finally come to your senses and we can finally start planning," she said with all the self-assurance of someone who always gets her way.
"I'm afraid my mind is made up."
"Yiğit told me you were acting unlike yourself and I didn't believe him. You've been promised to each other for ages. His family, our family, society expects it. You will snap out of this and do your duty."
"No," I said, "I'm not marrying someone I don't love or even like just so you can claim some ridiculous social victory."
"I will not tolerate this insolence!"
"And I won't tolerate you meddling in my life anymore, " I said calmly.
"Does this have anything to do with grasping upstart photographer?"
My fury at hearing her describe him like that was blinding. I stood up and faced her, fists clenched.
"He is a self-made, talented, generous, beautiful human being. He has no need for my money and absolutely no interest in climbing your ridiculous social ladder. Is it so hard to believe that he would want me for me and not my money?"
She stared at me with incredulity.
"I don't believe this. You're willing to throw everything away on a nobody, a globetrotting vagabond, the son of a shopkeeper! I will not accept this," she said in disgust.
I'd marry him this minute if he'd have me
But my bravery deserted me at that moment and I was suddenly exhausted of this battle. I'd never have peace while I stayed under her roof, she'd never respect me or my boundaries.
"I forbid you to have any further contact with this man. The contract with that agency is null and void and you can forget any dreams of occupying the director's office while you're on this irresponsible path."
She glared at me and continued with menace, "there's going to be an announcement made at the meeting next week. Think about what you're willing to lose for a fling."
Her words would have filled me with fear and anxiety at one point. Now, they barely registered. I'd already lost what mattered most. I began making plans to rebuild and mend what was broken.
****
The announcement for a director was delayed, no reason given. I was surprisingly at peace with it. An interim director was named again and of course, it wasn't me. I marched to my office and began to type my resignation letter. I was done being manipulated.
My assistant ran around in a panic.
"Are you quitting? Ohhhhh now I'll be unemployed and I'll have to go back to sleeping on my mother's lumpy couch."
He paced back and forth across my office pulling on his suspenders.
"Cey Cey, stop. I've got a plan," It was a half-formed plan with an extraordinary chance of failure but also an equivalent chance of success.
He looked at me in alarm. It was the first time I'd called him by his name. He probably thought I didn't know it.
I am not my mother
"Do you know that you can patent a scent if the formula is unique enough?" I looked meaningfully at the ads for the perfume creams laying on my desk.
His eyes widened and his expression cleared as the implications dawned on him.
"Want to help me launch a new company?"
****
I set up a meeting at the ad agency ostensibly to discuss a delay on the contract but I really was just unashamedly hoping to run into Can, to just get a glimpse of him. To my disappointment, only Deren and Emre showed up. The latter didn't seem to hold any ill will against me which made me strongly suspect that Can hadn't told him anything. The meeting ended amicably even after I explained that the launch of the creams was on hold for now and I needed extra time.
"He's not here," Deren said out of the blue while I was walking out of the room.
I stopped dead. I didn't bother to pretend to misunderstand. I was desperate for any news of him. She'd been studying me throughout the meeting and I wondered how much she knew.
She looked at me with the same incisive look now.
"I've known him for a long time. The Divits are like brothers to me and I'm pretty protective of both of them but mostly for Can. Oh, don't give me that look. I'm happily married," she said pursing her lips, "but Can...He has always felt things deeper than most. As long as I've known him I've never seen him like this."
"Is he okay?"
"He looks as good as you do," she said cryptically. "He's also no longer working on this campaign," she added and my bruised heart took another hit.
She watched me closely and nodded to herself as if reaching a decision. Then gave me whiplash with her abrupt change in conversation.
"We will finish up the photography portion but we are in need of one more location preferably near the coast," she said in a brisk voice. "I remember seeing a home you own by the water in a magazine spread? Would it be possible...?"
"You're welcome to it. My assistant will take care of the details." I said absently, trying to digest the fact that Can had abandoned the campaign. Did he hate me so much?
"Perfect," she said with a smile and swept away with all the sway of a runaway model.
****
"I am prepared to forgive this lapse in judgment," mother said as she marched into my room.
I rolled my eyes. I'd never rolled my eyes at her before but it felt almost as good as saying no. I glanced at the albatross on the wall and smiled.
Freedom.
I hauled my packed bags out of the door and left her standing there gasping in outrage. I was finally free.
****
I stood gazing out at the ocean, letting the waves lap at my feet. I looked back at the house in the distance. There were people milling about. The agency workers, I'd assumed. I just arrived and made straight for the water. The house was mine, left to me by my grandmother. It was humble by the family standards but I loved it. Maybe I'd live here now. Despite knowing that I was on my own now and there was no going back, I was feeling good. My future was finally my own. I smiled, kicked off my shoes and impulsively ran and dived into the water. I came up for air and suddenly a rogue wave knocked me down and dragged me under. I was struggling to resurface when out of nowhere I was scooped up into a pair of strong arms. Every cell in my body seemed to rearrange itself when our eyes met. I felt his lips on the crown of my head while he clutched me impossibly closer as he strode out of the water. I wrapped my arms around his neck and sighed in relief.
Oh, there you are
I was home.