A/N IT HAS BEEN SO FREAKING HARD TO NOT ADDRESS THE THINGS TYLER HAS BEEN FEELING THIS ENTIRE TIME SO I'M SO EXCITED TO WRITE THIS CHAPTER.
"Do you want me to go in with you?" His mother asked once they were checked in and sitting in the seats in the waiting room. The question was surprising to him, since he had been assuming his mother was going to go in with him whether he liked it or not. Getting a choice in matters involving his mother wasn't a common occurrence.
"You'd let me go in by myself?"
She sighed, lifting her eyes from the magazine she had picked up off if one of the tables. "You know I would like to be there to give you support, but I also know you will need to talk about some personal things and may not want me there," she explained, dropping her gaze again. "Apparently your personal life is a lot more exciting than I originally knew".
Worriedly, Tyler chewed his lower lip. It had been a week since he had been at the hospital— a week of laying in his dark bedroom doing literally nothing— and she had been making comments like this ever since. It made him feel as if her thinking about whether or not he could see Pierce anymore wasn't going well.
"So?" She asked, nudging his knee with her own. "You want to do this on your own, or do you want me there?"
It took him less than a second to realize he wanted her there, because she always had been before, and he was kind of bothered that she was suddenly treating him more like an adult now that she knew he had sex with one. He was in a difficult spot now, one she probably wanted him in. For the first time, Tyler was going to have to tell her that he wanted her with him. "You won't get mad at me for anything I say, right?"
The magazine was flipped closed with a little snap and he looked down at it in surprise. "Of course I won't get mad at you," she assured, features softening. "If you want someone there with you to be support, I'll be there".
All it took was him thinking about the letter in his pocket to nod his head quickly. He hadn't brought it to share– the words in it were still just for him– but to remember. There was a few lines in there, one of the last things Ace had written for him that he kept thinking about that morning.
You're amazing Tyler. You're funny and smart and personable. You're fit to go places, Tyler, but you can't hold yourself back. I know you. You spend too much time speculating what could have been instead of looking forward to see what could be. I think once you move forward, once you learn to leave things in the past, you'll finally be happy.
Happy. Tyler wondered if he wasn't happy right then. It felt like he was, sometimes, but other times it felt like he was sinking.
"Alright". His eyes lifted back up to his mother's face. "I'd... I'd like you to be there, if that's okay. I'm actually kind of scared to address some of the things I've been thinking about," he admitted, ducking his head. He was worried about the doctor thinking he was a horrible person, but he knew his mother would never feel that way about him.
Her hand reached out to grip his arm reassuringly for a second, fingers warm against his skin. "It'll be okay. You need to get these things off your chest. I know you've still been having a hard time sleeping, and if your thoughts are keeping you up, you should talk about them".
"What If they want me to go on medication or something?" He asked, teeth pulling at the skin of his lip some more. "I mean, it took me so long to adjust to my sleeping pills... I don't want to have to do something like that again".
"I know," she agreed softly. "I hated seeing you like that. This is going to be different Tyler. A lot more kids your age take anxiety medication than sleeping pills".
"Okay," he agreed softly, nervously clasping his hand in his lap and twisting his fingers together. Ever since he had hit his head his sleep had actually improved, but for the last two nights he had been kept up with thoughts of what he would say to the psychiatrist. He would be addressing feelings he hadn't even let himself address for years, discussing things he had never said out loud before, putting it all out there.
A part of him felt prepared, but an even larger part of him thought he wasn't ready. Honestly, he doubted it was something he would ever feel completely prepared for.
"Tyler Amroe?" Was called then, by a brunette woman wearing a pantsuit, standing in the doorway of the back room. Immediately his eyes shot to his mother and she nodded at him. They both rose from their seats and he wiped his hands on his pants, wiping away the sweat since he was assuming he'd have to shake this woman's hand.
This was confirmed a second later when she smiled at him and held out her hand. "I'm Dr. Myers. It's very nice to meet you".
"You as well," he breathed, shaking her hand. His mother did so as well while giving her name.
"Alright," the doctor said once all introductions were exchanged. "Why don't you follow me into the back here and we'll talk in my office. How are you feeling today?"
It occurred to Tyler after a moment of silence that she was talking to him. "Oh. Um, I feel alright. I'm tired, I guess, and a bit nervous".
"Oh, why are you tired?" She asked in a way that made it sound like she was actually concerned. Her steps came to a stop in front of an open door and she reached inside to turn on the light before gesturing them in ahead of her.
"I get really worked up over things so I couldn't sleep," Tyler admitted, looking around the room. It looked like a stereotypical therapists room, with a couch and a singular chair facing it.
"I see," Dr. Myers said, moving in the room after them and pulling the door shut. "Why don't the two of you take a seat on the couch?" They did, and the doctor sat in the chair across from them. "So. Is this your first time seeing a psychiatrist?"
"Yeah," Tyler confirmed, shifting a little uncomfortably in his seat.
"Have you ever been to a therapist before?"
He shook his head. No.
"Alright then. So it's pretty simple. You can talk to me about what is bothering you and keeping you up at night. Dr. Henderson left my office some notes about you and she said you could possibly need medication to control anxiety, but I just want to discuss some of the things you are struggling with to determine if I agree with this prognosis, and if so how strong of a prescription you'll need, Alright".
Tyler nodded in understanding. All that had been expected. No surprises there.
"Perfect," she said with a little smile. There was a clipboard tucked in the cushion of the chair and she took it out and laid it on her legs. "So what's been keeping you up at night, Tyler?"
He thought of where to begin, and thought about the summer before his eight grade year. "When I was thirteen I realized I was in love with my best friend's older brother," he started, eyeing her to see if she had any reaction to him liking the same sex. Her face didn't change, which he took as a good sign. "It probably started there... actually, no. It probably started when I met Pierce when I was eleven. He was a freshman in highschool and the son of my dad's boss and I found him super attractive but he was a total dick but I always found something about him magnetic. He always had my attention whenever we were in the same room, and I didn't understand why. Even when I was in love with Ace I was hyper aware of him, and it was frustrating to me because they were polar opposites".
"And Ace is...?" She cut in.
"Oh," it occurred to Tyler that he probably didn't explain well. "My best friends older brother". She nodded her head, and then gestured for him to continue.
"Right, well, Ace was charismatic and kind and happy while Pierce is angry and crass and smokes all the time," Tyler explained. "Ace and I always got along. We never had a single disagreement, ever, while Pierce and I spend the majority of our time bickering and disagreeing and calling one another dumbass or idiot". As if just realizing what he was saying he tensed and looked between the two women in the room, back and forth. "I apologize for my language".
"It's alright," Dr. Myer's claimed. "I want you to feel comfortable enough to say whatever you're thinking, so if that involves swearing, go ahead". Tyler nodded at this, thankful. "So you liked both of them then?"
"Uh," Tyler frowned. "I don't think I liked Pierce at first. I mean, I found him interesting, and I had a lot of fun interacting with him, but I loved Ace".
"When did you realize you were in love with him?" Dr. Myer's asked, her gaze on him heavy so he knew she was taking in every word.
"Well... Ace lived in Florida. We used to live there too but my dad got a job offer here that was too good to pass up, so we moved. I went to visit them a handful of times over the years, one of those times was the summer before my eighth grade year. We kept in touch and texted a lot, so I knew I was feeling differently towards him, but I don't think I recognized it as love until I was back in Florida and James, Ace, and their mother picked me up from the airport and he hugged me". Very clearly, Tyler could remember that moment. Could remember the smell of Ace's laundry detergent on the front of his shirt as he wrapped his arms around his waist and hugged him back.
"Leaving must have been hard," Dr. Myer's commented and Tyler nodded, shooting his mother a look.
"It was. When I got home I was upset and told my mom about my feelings," he explained. "It was terrifying really". The doctor nodded in understanding and Tyler thought his mothers eyes looked glassy. He tore his gaze away, thinking about what he was going to say next. It would make Pierce look bad, he knew, and he really hoped his mother didn't hold it against the older boy and decide to keep them apart. "I was still in love with him when I went to high school," he admitted. "We talked on the phone all the time and texted throughout the day, every day. I probably talked to him more than I talked to James. I started to feel bad about my feelings then, though. He was two years older than me and my best friends straight older brother who lived a thousand miles away. It was unrealistic, and I knew I was just setting myself up to be hurt".
Taking a deep breath, he prepared himself for the next event in his story. "It's why I let what happened with Pierce and I happen". The doctor blinked at this, her eyebrows drawing together in confusion and Tyler realized he would have to be more specific. "We started sleeping together".
"Your freshman year?" she inquired. It didn't sound like she was judging, so he nodded, not daring to shoot a look at his mother to see her reaction.
"Yeah," he confirmed. "It really didn't seem like a big deal. I mean, I always thought he hated me, so I knew he wasn't going to tell anyone, and I wasn't going to tell anyone, so it just seemed like a good idea. It really helped me take my mind off of Ace too, and it made it hurt less".
The doctor nodded and wrote something down on her clipboard.
"I went back to Florida twice that year. Nothing really happened the first time, though Ace and I spent a lot of time together because James had just gotten his first boyfriend so he was pretty preoccupied".
"Your best friend is a homosexual as well?" The doctor asked and Tyler nodded.
"Yeah, well. Not as well. I like women as well as men. James is just gay," Tyler explained. She nodded and wrote something more. "But anyways, before I went out to visit the second time that year I told Ace how I felt about him. He rejected me, of course, because he was straight, so I felt super awkward when I went to visit him and spent all my time following James around. Ace was sick when I went out there, but they didn't know what was wrong yet. He... he spent a lot of his time in his room with headaches and he'd get nauseous a lot. It had been going on for a few months at that point, so they knew it wasn't just the flu".
Dr. Myers paused then, looking up from the clipboard to meet his eyes. She must have been able to predict the outcome of Ace's sickness from what she saw, because her eyes widened a fraction, and then she looked incredibly sympathetic.
"So I avoiding him the whole time until James asked him if he could drive me to the airport and we finally talked. I told him how important his friendship was to me, and he said he didn't ever want me to be uncomfortable around him and I thought we had everything worked out, but then right before I left his car he kissed me". Beside him, Tyler felt his mother shift. This was something he had never discussed with her before, wanting to keep it for himself. "And I mean like, he actually kissed me. It wasn't just a peck or whatever. It was a real kiss and what I had been thinking about for years". The memory had Tyler smiling as it always did, but he felt tears prick at the corners of his eyes. "I got on the plane and thought about what it meant, and I determined that he had done it to help me move on. A kiss so I wouldn't always wonder what it had been like to kiss him and I could continue with me life. He always knew that I liked to dwell on what could have been, and I thought it was his way of helping me through that".
"And it worked. I went back to Florida and I got over him. He was still one of my best friends, but I managed to get myself to stop loving him. I had put myself out there and he had rejected me so I knew it would never happen, and I moved on..." Tyler trailed off, his eyebrows drawing together. "He got more and more sick, and by the time they determined it was a brain tumor it was too late and there was nothing they could do. He died when I was a sophomore and he was a senior... almost two years ago now". It didn't feel that long ago.
"Time passed. I didn't really get over it... how could I? Someone I loved had died... he was seventeen. My age, and he died..." his voice trailed off, his eyes unfocused. They let him be silent for a moment. "Things got easier though. I accepted that he was gone, and that he wasn't a part of my life anymore. His brother James moved here with his family, and then he gave me a letter from his brother, one he had died before he was able to send".
This was another thing he had never shared with his mother. He wondered what she would think.
"It was all about our friendship and growing up together as kids and how much I meaned to him. Then he talked about how he felt when I confessed to him and how scared he was. He talked about the trip where he kissed me and why he kissed me..." Tyler broke off as he thought about Ace's letter.
I wasn't even thinking, I had just moved to kiss you because I wanted to so badly. It made me scared, but I thought about how terrifying it must have been for you to tell me how you felt, and I wanted to be like that. Fearless. I wanted to be able to kiss you at least once, just incase the worst happened– and it has. It was so worth it, kissing you. I'm so glad I did.
Once you left I never got up the courage to address what had happened... It wouldn't be fair to you, I thought, to tell you how I felt about you, and how fast my heart beat when I was around you, because a part of me knew that I was dying. I guess it's not fair to me to tell you this now that I'm gone, but I guess I was hoping if I didn't mention it you would get over me. If I said something I feared it would only hurt you that much worse once I died.
But the truth is, Tyler, I really really love you. Not because you are a boy, and not even because you love me, but because you are you. You're the only person who can make me laugh no matter what mood I'm in. You're the only one I can trust with literally everything. You're the only one who has ever made me feel this way, and I am so fucking lucky to have known you, and to have felt this way about you, before I die.
Tyler's eyes closed, and he dropped his head to look at his lap. "He felt the same way about me as I did about him, but he had a feeling that he wouldn't ever get better... that he would die and he was hoping that I would be able to get over him before he did so I didn't have the burden of being in love with a man who was dying". Tears ran down his face then and he hastily wiped them away.
"Do you wish you had known about his feelings before he died?" Dr. Myers asked softly and Tyler raised his hands to cover his face, hiding in shame of his answer.
"No".
"Why not?" She asked with the same voice and he began to cry harder. He felt pathetic, crying in front of his mother and a woman he had just met, but he was addressing truths that he had pushed down since they were just too painful, and staying composed seemed impossible.
"Because I wouldn't have wanted him, even if I had known," Tyler admitted through his tears. A hand was placed on his back, rubbing up and down soothingly.
"Were you and Pierce sleeping together this entire time, Tyler?" The doctor asked, perfectly understanding what he was implying. Tyler dropped his hands, gripping his knees tightly. His mom's hand paused on his back at the sound of the older boy's name.
"Yes".
"Are you still sleeping with him?"
"Yes".
"How do you feel about him?" She asked. Immediately, he averted his eyes. "It's alright, Tyler. You don't need to be ashamed of how you feel".
"I love him," Tyler admitted, his voice a whisper. There was a noise of surprise from his mother, a sharp inhale of breath, but he ignored it. "He... he understands me in a way no one had before. He knows what I need and when I need it, and he takes care of me. Like, a few weeks ago I was so tired I passed out at a home improvement store and woke up in his bed the next morning. I know that just seems like the right thing to do and what everyone would do but it's Pierce and I know if it was anyone else he would have just left them there because he's a prick but he didn't leave me. And he made me breakfast". Tyler cut off to laugh.
"Like what the fuck. Pierce Bradford made me breakfast and he let me hang out at his house and we kissed but we didn't have sex because I didn't want to and he didn't pressure me or push me once. He just wanted what I wanted because he wanted me to be okay". The memory of the day made Tyler feel warm inside. "It freaked me out at the time, since after that I couldn't deny that I loved him, that I loved spending time with him, and I had spent so long denying those feelings".
"I stopped talking to him after that, giving myself time to think, but he was worried at me after he saw me lose consciousness so he kept texting me to make sure I was okay and I never responded". By trying to make up for wronging Ace, Tyler had ended up treating Pierce horribly. "I feel like I can't win".
"What do you mean?" The doctor asked. Tyler wiped away the last of his tears with the back of his hand.
"I feel guilty for loving Pierce, so I try to avoid him to make up for it, but then I feel guilty for making him worry," he admitted.
"Why do you feel guilty for your feelings, Tyler?" Dr. Myers asked, and he didn't respond, lost in his thoughts. "When did your feelings for Pierce start?"
There it was. The question he really didn't want to answer. His eyes slid closed. "Tyler?" This was his mother, speaking to him for the first time since they had entered the room. He looked at her for a moment, expression pained.
"You can't control your feelings, Tyler," Dr. Myers cut in quietly. "It's not your fault if there was an overlap in your feelings from Ace to Pierce".
"There wasn't really," Tyler said. "Well... I don't know. Looking back, I think the moment I fell in love with Pierce was kind of the same moment I realized I didn't love Ace anymore".
"What moment was that?" the doctor asked and Tyler's mind immediately went back to that day.
In the back of Pierce's car, the feeling of leather against his back, skin slick with sweat and cum. The man moving inside him relentlessly until he got hard again, shaking violently against the seats as he swore. Pierce's gaze on his face and Tyler forcing his eyes open to meet his. All he could think about was gold and blue and how he'd probably lose his mind if he came again.
"I don't want to say," Tyler admitted after a pause. The doctor paused and then nodded, probably imagining his dilemma.
"I know you said you had been denying those feelings, but did you acknowledge them at the time?" she asked.
"I don't think I realized it was love, since it was so different from what I felt for Ace, but I knew then that I had feelings for him... I think I would have acted on it, but then Ace died and I just felt guilty for feeling the way I did. Guilty that I had fallen out of love with Ace, who was perfect, and into love with Pierce, who is so perfectly flawed," Tyler admitted. It felt like a weight was lifted from his shoulders then, and he realized how good it felt to say something you had been agonizing over for so long. "I felt bad, but I continued to see Pierce because I was able to tell myself that Ace didn't feel anything for me, but then I got that letter and my sleep got exceptionally bad. I didn't want to stop seeing Pierce, but every time I did I felt like I was betraying Ace, but at the same time I was so happy because I got to be with Pierce". He frowned. "For a while I got used to shutting off how happy I felt with Pierce and told myself it wasn't going anywhere. My sleep got better then, but my friends were insistent that I had feelings for him and they pushed me to accept them and it caused my most recent bout of insomnia that lead to my...uh, psychotic break". This didn't seem right to say still, but he had to call it what it was.
"Alright". Dr. Myers took a moment to make a note of something. "So earlier you said that if Ace had told you he loved you that it wouldn't have mattered. What did you mean by that?"
It was a hypothetical situation, but Tyler had thought about it endlessly ever since he had read Ace's letter. He had considered so many situations like that, spent night after night agonizing over them, each one making him feel worse than the last. "If I knew about Ace's feelings I would have stopped seeing Pierce and dedicated myself to Ace, but Pierce and I would have run into one another eventually and I think not being with him would be eye opening for me and I would have fallen in love with him anyway. I wouldn't have been happy with Ace I don't think, because it would mean I couldn't be with Pierce, but there was no way I could break up with someone who was dying, expecially because he was so fucking important to me and had such a big part in making me who I am... I would have dated Ace until he died and then felt even worse about never being honest with him".
"And if Ace had never gotten sick then I don't think he would have ever kissed me and addressed his feelings. In his letter," Tyler passed his hand over the pocket of his jeans, "he said that he wanted to kiss me at least once because he was afraid of what would happen to him... I don't know if he would have kissed me, and even if he had he still probably would have ever addressed it because he was in Florida and I was in Illinois. If he did address it, our relationship wouldn't have worked just for that reason, and I would have realized my feelings for Pierce when I could no longer be with him and then I would have just ended up hurting Ace. It just wouldn't work," Tyler summarized. "The only difference between this world, and a world where Ace hadn't died would be that I would have told Pierce how I felt about him a long time ago". He took a deep breath. "It was always going to be Pierce for me. No matter what. Every situation I think of in me head, even if I don't want it to, it ends up with me loving Pierce".
"Why wouldn't you want it to be that way?" Dr. Myers inquired. There was a soft scratching as she dragged her pen across the paper on her clipboard.
"Because why shouldn't it be Ace?" Tyler asked rhetorically. "He deserved for it to be him. He deserved to have everything he ever wanted. It's not fair to him that I'd pick someone like Pierce over him every time, that my... my heart would pick Pierce everytime when it's clearly the wrong choice".
"But it isn't the wrong choice," she cut in, eyes looking deeply into his. "It's not the wrong choice if he's the one who makes you happy".
Tyler processed this, and then dropped his eyes. "If I admit that, it feels like I'm saying that Ace wasn't good enough".
"Well you clearly don't believe that," Dr. Myers said with a shake of your head. "You talk very highly of Ace, and it's clear that he was very important to you. By admitting that he wasn't right for you you're not saying that he wasn't good enough. You're just saying that he wasn't for you, which he wasn't. There are many different kinds of relationships Tyler, and each person craves a different one. It seems that you thought Ace would have been nice to you all of the time and incredibly affectionate while you admit to enjoying the banter you share with Pierce. There's nothing wrong with wanting different things".
With each of her words, Tyler felt more and more tension leaving him. "It's okay?"
Her smile was very warm when she agreed. "Yes, Tyler. It's okay. You've done nothing wrong and there's nothing for you to feel guilty about".
It was what he had been needing to hear for months, what he had never been able to tell himself, and he was so happy his eyes began to gather tears once more. "Thank you," he breathed.
"No reason to thank me," she assured, still smiling. "I'm just being honest". She glanced down at her clip board and then nodded. "I'm going to write you a prescription for an anxiety medication. It's not a super high dosage, but I think it will help you not over scrutinize everything. This issue seemed to be a large part of the problem, but I think the fact that it has been keeping you up to the point of you losing consciousness, and the fact that you have clearly spent countless hours considering every possible scenario regarding your feelings shows that anxiety is something you struggle with".
"Will it help me sleep?" Tyler asked, and she nodded her head.
"Insomnia is very common in people who suffer from anxiety. It should make it easier for you to stop obsessing over things that keep you awake".
His mom spoke up again. "When he went on medication to sleep he had a very hard time finding one that didn't make him sick-"
"There's always going to be some adjustment and some trial and error, but what I'm prescribing him is a very common medication and I have had very few complaints from my patients I have prescribed it to. The only thing is that one of the side effects is weight gain so you need to be careful with what you eat. A lot of patients gain a few pounds when they are adjusting to the drug but once they are used to it it tends not to be an issue," Dr. Myers explained. She flipped up the paper on her clipboard and wrote something on whatever was behind it before tearing it off. It was a pink prescription slip. "I'd recommend you start taking it as soon as possible. You're supposed to take it in the mornings along with food".
"Thank you," Tyler said, watching Dr. Myers hand the slip to his mother, who folded it and tucked it into her purse.
He wondered if he had ever meant those two words as much as he did right then.
***
"If you liked having someone to talk to with no basis we could probably find someone," his mom was saying as they pulled out of the hospitals parking lot. Tyler was in the passenger seat with the chair reclined back, his eyes half lidded. Emotionally, he was exhausted, and he actually felt like he could fall asleep for once.
You've done nothing wrong and there is nothing for you to feel guilty about.
By admitting that he wasn't for you you're not saying that he wasn't good enough.
"I don't think I need to talk to anyone else," he admitted, his eyes falling closed. "I think I said everything there was to say for now".
"Alright," she acknowledged softly. His eyes cracked open to look at her, taking in her tense shoulders and the way she chewed her lip.
"Mom?"
"You love him". She said it like a statement, not a question, but Tyler still nodded his head.
"Yeah," he confirmed, for the first time without even a twinge of guilt. You've done nothing wrong and there is nothing for you to feel guilty about. "I love him".
"Like really love him? She asked, turning her head to check his expression for a quick second before looking back at the road.
"Yes mom. I really really love him. It's actually ridiculous how much I do".
She sighed heavily, her hands tightening on the wheel so her knuckles turned white. When she spoke her voice was so quiet that he had to lean closer to catch it. "You can see him, if you want".
His eyes widened slightly. "Really?"
Her head nodded. "Yeah. As long as you're careful. And by careful I mean I don't want you taking up some of the things he does, like smoking and getting in fights. Also, use condoms. Do you have condoms? Should we stop at the store to pick some up".
"Oh my god mom," he groaned, covering his face with his hands. The sound of her laughter reached his ears then and when he looked over at her she was grinning.
"I'm just teasing you. I'm assuming you're smart enough to have been using condoms this entire time". He nodded his head, because they had been. For some reason, Pierce always had condoms on hand. "Also, I would like him to come have dinner with our family at some point so we can get to know him a little better. I feel like I don't quite understand him and if you two are going to be together-"
"Woah mom," he cut in. "You're getting ahead of yourself now. I don't even know if he likes me or not. We still have a lot to talk about".
"But you're going to talk about it, right?" she asked, green eyes moving to glance at him again. "Right?"
"Right," he confirmed with a nod of his head. The idea made him nervous, but so did Pierce sometimes, so that didn't really seem like a bad thing.