The second week of the holidays went a lot worse than the first week. Remus could sense something was really wrong with his parents but didn't dare ask. He figured it was his fault, for how he acted with McGonagall so he mostly skulked about the house with his head down, wishing he could fix things. At least his mother didn't bring up not-going-back-to-Hogwarts again, though on Tuesday she asked where the portkey was. He told her it was in his room and she grew anxious, saying he should give it to her for safekeeping.
"It's perfectly safe," he said, confused.
"I think it would be best if I had it," she replied.
Is that what she was looking for the other night? "Why?" he couldn't help but ask.
Hope stared in disbelief at her son. "I really don't appreciate your attitude, dear."
He had given her attitude? All he did was ask a simple question. Shrugging and fighting off the guilt, he went upstairs, retrieving the portkey from where he had put it under his pillow. When he gave it to his mother she wrapped it around her hands, studying it as if she couldn't believe what it would do. She kissed Remus's forehead before disappearing into her bedroom.
Finally Thursday and the first night of the full moon. Exhausted from the get go, he trudged around all day until just before sunset when his mother took him down into the basement. Suddenly Remus wished he had just gone back to school early. He had spent the past few moons in an entire house... now he was stuck in the small room again. He hesitated when Hope opened the door and she studied him with worry. Putting a shaky smile on, he went through the door, stripping off. He felt uncomfortable with his mother watching. She had done this for so long, but after the house in Hogsmeade and being alone...
He handed his clothes over and then wrapped a blanket around himself. "I'll see you in the morning," she said. "I love you."
"I love you too," he said then winced when she shut the door, plunging him in absolute darkness. There wasn't a speck of light that came through, the cracks around the door spelled heavily by his father to prevent anything from getting in or out. His wolfyness gave him the ability to see better in the dark however he needed at least a tiny bit of light for that to work, and here there was nothing. The only thing that could was air, from a vent in the ceiling; though that was magicked to prevent sound from getting out. Nobody could hear his cries.
His transformation was pretty rough. The wolf did not like returning to having so little room. The floor was soaked in blood, the walls splashed, the blanket destroyed. Hope began sobbing when she opened the door after sunrise, shouting until Lyall came down in a panic. He went a little pale as he picked up Remus's broken, battered body. Remus mumbled apologies as his dad carried him to the nearest bathroom. He was set down in the empty tub and Hope turned on the warm water so she could start cleaning him off. Unlike Pomfrey, she didn't bandage him up. Remus wasn't sure if it was more or less helpful, but once he was mostly cleaned off he curled up in the tub as his wounds kept bleeding. Hope knelt by the tub, stroking his hair, singing to him gently as he drifted in and out of sleep.
When he woke up around noon, most his wounds were healing up. There were a couple still nasty looking but he wasn't bleeding anymore. Hope cleaned him off again before helping him out of the tub and to his bedroom. She cleaned the blood out of the tub, tears dripping down on the red streaks. Once she finished washing up she made him a hearty lunch which he only partially ate before falling back asleep. Transforming took a huge amount of energy so he was always starving afterwards however typically he was too tired and/or in too much pain to be able to eat much.
Hope sat by his bedside, staring at his sleeping figure, everything inside of her raw and numb. "I'm sorry, sweetheart," she whispered, assuming Remus was still asleep; her voice woke him up however he remained still, too tired to reply. "I wish I had been a better mother. I should have--should have..." She let out a choking sound as bent forward, pressing her face against his side. He felt the blanket getting damp from her tears.
You're a perfect mother, he thought as he slowly fell back asleep.
*
That night it snowed pretty hard so he remained a boy the entire night. He froze in the cement room underground with only a rather worn blanket wrapped around his shivering body. He had nothing to do... no light to even do anything by, and the darkness scraped at his brain. He despised nights like this, wishing his father could at least put a ball of light near the ceiling. That wasn't much to ask for, was it? Maybe I can figure out how to do that, he thought as he spread the blanket on the ground. He lay down then rolled across it, wrapping it around himself as he went, bundling up like a cocoon. He wriggled his feet until he got the end tucked under, and shivered more. It wasn't much better. He could put a warming spell in here too.
Remus hardly slept that night, too cold. Hope was relieved when she came for him, finding him intact without a speck of blood on him. She pulled him into her arms, kissing him multiple times. He was too cold and tired to respond much, gladly going to his room to pull on two sets of pajamas. After eating a hot breakfast he buried himself under three blankets to sleep.
When he woke up a few hours later he realized it was the first day of 1972. All his friends were on the train returning to Hogwarts this very moment. He hadn't told them he wouldn't be there, and wondered what they were thinking.
That night was the same as before, which meant he could have returned to Hogwarts on Sunday. He paced around his room in the afternoon, feeling grumpy and miserable. Finally he packed everything away (including his new books and the ink from James), and spent most the day looking out his window, excited to return to school the next day. To get back to his friends as well as classes. That night he received a letter from James's owl though it was signed by all three boys. They were very worried about him, wondering why he wasn't on the train, hoping his mother was all right, etc, etc. Remus sent the owl back on his own, since he'd be seeing them in less than twenty-four hours.
In the morning he got dressed, took his bags, ate his breakfast, and impatiently waited for noon. His father returned from work at eleven-thirty. That's when something weird happened. He asked Remus for the portkey to which Remus replied that his mother had it. Lyall frowned, going to Hope who said she'd look for it. She went into the bedroom and came back out.
"It's gone, I don't know where it went. Remus, did you take it?"
"N--no," he said, panicking a little. "You took it. For safekeeping."
Lyall stared hard at Hope. "Where is it?"
"I don't know!" she insisted. "I put it on my vanity table, and now it's gone!"
Lyall went into the bedroom to search while Remus hovered in the doorway, feeling sick. "If we can't find it--" he started.
"We'll find it," Lyall grunted from under the bed. Then he slid out, his brown hair sticking out everywhere. There was a very odd expression on his face. "Remus, why don't you go wait outside?"
"But--"
"No buts. Go wait outside."
Remus looked at his parents then took his bags out into the cold. There were still fifteen minutes to go before the portkey activated and he didn't particularly want to stand out in the deep snow, but he obeyed nonetheless. He went to the front yard, brushing snow off of a bench. He sat down, watching the house, heart pounding. He knew if it wasn't found he'd still get to Hogwarts some way or another; probably another portkey or something but he wanted to at least make it to Defense in the afternoon...
At about five til Lyall came storming out of the house with the piece of rope dangling from his hands. Hope hurried after, her face bright pink. "--be best!" she was saying.
"We can discuss it later," Lyall growled then plastered a smile on his face, waving the rope so Remus could see. "It fell behind the dresser. You ready?"
"Wait!" Hope pushed past him and threw her arms around Remus, hugging tightly. "I love you, Remus, I love you so much. Be careful, yes?"
"Yes, I will," he said, nodding. "Very careful."
"I don't...want anything happening to you..." She stroked his hair then began kissing him again until Lyall cleared his throat, telling Hope very firmly that he had to go now. She stepped back reluctantly.
Lyall tied one of the rope tightly around Remus's hand. "Keep a tight hold of it during the entire trip," he instructed as he held onto the other end. He held one of Remus's bags, while Remus clutched the others. "All right, it should be activated any minute now..."
"Goodbye!" Hope cried out as they disappeared.
It felt like someone pulling hard at his stomach, yanking him out of the garden. Remus and Lyall spun through the folded up distance between Dragon's Field and Hogsmeade. It was fast, loud, dizzying, and when Remus crashed into the ground he immediately rolled over so he could throw up onto some grass. His shoulder hurt from the landing, from his bag of books slamming into him.
"I hate portkeys," Lyall grumbled. Then in a timid voice, "Merlin's beard."
"Hullo there, Lupin!" Hagrid's voice boomed. He picked Remus clean off the ground and set him carefully back down, his huge hand brushing the snow off of Remus's cloak. Remus was still clutching the rope. "Lookin' a bit green 'round the gills, there."
"Uhhrp," was all Remus could manage.
"Yeh must be Mr. Lupin." Hagrid took Lyall's hand and shook it vigorously. Lyall was looking quite green as well but mostly from staring at Hagrid. "I'm Rubeus Hagrid. Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts, an' Dumbledore's trusted erran' boy." Hagrid winked at Remus with that and Remus just staggered forward so he could vomit on the ground again. "Dumbledore told me yeh were sick... are yeh sure yer well enough ter come back t'school?"
"Y--yes, th-that's just--portkey..." Remus groaned, clutching his stomach.
Hagrid grabbed Remus's bags as Lyall went over to his son. "Is he safe?" Lyall whispered.
"Uhhh...? Y-yeah, he's fine," Remus muttered, never really thinking before that someone would consider Hagrid as dangerous. Sure he looked wild but Remus knew Hagrid was very nice, even though he hadn't gone down to his hut yet. Sirius and James often went there and came back smelling like treacle, tea, and dog.
Lyall nervously ran his fingers through his hair then tried to flatten it all down. "Right. Well. Be good, Remus. Try not to get into trouble."
"With that pack he runs 'round with?" Hagrid's laughter boomed across the area. "Not very likely." Then he laughed some more at the very idea.
Lyall's head snapped around. Remus tried his best to look bewildered. Hagrid wasn't really looking in their direction so Remus just shrugged. Then when Lyall leaned in to give Remus a pat on the shoulder by way of goodbyes, Remus whispered that some of his dormmates were troublemakers but he didn't really know them that well, but Hagrid must have just assumed they were friends since they were all first year Gryffindor boys. He tried to keep the desperation out of his voice as he spoke these partial lies, but thank Merlin Lyall seemed to accept this explanation. He gave Remus another shoulder pat before disapparating with a loud cracking sound. Remus wiped his mouth off on the back of his sleeve and followed Hagrid across the grassy area he had been brought to. He could see the houses of Hogsmeade in the distance and when they reached the cobbled streets, Hagrid took him to an open-top carriage which was hooked up with one of those boney horse-dragon-things. Remus averted his gaze as he climbed up into the carriage.
Hagrid got in after him, the carriage rocking and creaking. Remus wasn't even sure the carriage would go but the boney horse-dragon thing jerked forward, the carriage rolling down the street.
"Reckon I scared yer dad a bit there," Hagrid chuckled. "He never came ter Hogwarts, did he?"
"No, he w-w-went to B... Beauxbatons," Remus replied, focusing on the humongous man before him instead of thinking about the thing hauling them back to the school. "His m-mother's French. Since she went th-there she figured he ought to--to--to go too."
"And yer mum?"
"Muggle."
Hagrid nodded, looking at the Forbidden Forest as they passed it by. "Yer friends caused quite a ruckus when they got off th'train. Young Black came righ' up ter me an' demanded I take'em straight to Dumbledore, cool as yer like. Demanded, soundin' sterner than Minerva. Wouldn' even go ter Pomfrey for his arm, refused till he got yer disappearance sorted out."
"His arm?" Remus asked.
"Oh, it was in a sling," Hagrid explained. "Broken pretty bad from what I heard."
Remus sat up a bit straighter, worried about Sirius now. He squirmed in his seat, impatient for the rest of the trip. Before long they were driving up to the castle and Remus got out, thanking Hagrid for bringing him back before dashing up into the castle. He eyed the entrance to the Great Hall but didn't have much time, so went up to the tower. He hadn't brought any of his school uniforms home so he had to get changed as quickly as possible, empty out his school bag except his Defense books and some other things he'd need, then ran back down. It was only ten minutes before Defense would start so he went to wait outside that door, hopping from foot to foot as he watched down the hall.
Most the Gryffindors appeared at the same time and Lily was the first to see Remus, joy lighting her face up. She ran forward, hugging him quickly. "Remus! You're okay! I was so worried about you, but Professor McGonagall said--"
But she was interrupted by James, Sirius, and Peter who jostled her away from Remus, ignoring her protests. They said about the same thing as she did, telling him McGonagall had told them all Remus had been too ill to come back on Saturday. He took a step back since he felt crowded in and couldn't help but glance at Sirius, who seemed perfectly fine.
"Y-y-yes," Remus said as the door to the classroom opened, so Dedenne could see what was going on. Her eyes narrowed at the sight though she didn't say anything. "I h--had a--a--r-relapse. I'm all right, it w-was just th--the one day really. Are you all right?" He suddenly turned to Sirius, unable to stop. "Hagrid said you were hurt?"
Sirius went a little white but he held himself up at full height. "I'm fine. I just fell down the steps at home on Saturday getting ready, and since it was so close to the train leaving my parents just, er, opted to temporarily put my arm in a sling then have Pomfrey look at it, instead of summoning a proper healer. She took care of it, no big deal. Not like you."
"I'm fine."
"Promise?"
Remus was taken aback by this. "Y--yes."
James slapped Remus's back rather hard. "Glad to have you back. We were really worried."
"All right," Dedenne finally said. "Come on, class is starting soon, you can have your reunion after."
They trooped into the classroom and Lily hovered next to Remus as they went. "Are you sure you're okay?" she whispered.
"Yes, it was just--just the one day really," Remus whispered back. "I probably c-could have come yesterday but McGonagall w-wanted to be sure I wasn't too w-weak to use a portkey."
"Portkey?"
"I'll explain later."
He sat down, and felt Lily's eyes on him. She was just watching him in a strange way that made him uneasy. It didn't help that Dedenne scowled at him whenever she was forced to interact. She dismissed class a little early so she could hand out their pre-Christmas exam results back. Remus sweated a little as he waited in line, wiping his palms off on his trousers. Dedenne gave him his paper and he walked out, not wanting to look at it with everyone else around. Lily was squealing at her 101% while Peter bemoaned his 49%.
"What did you get, a hundred and fifty?" James joked, elbowing Remus.
Remus just smiled. "Dunno, haven't l--looked yet."
"Go on," Sirius said. Remus didn't really have a choice. His gut wrenched as soon as he opened up the folder, trying and failing to keep it hidden from their view. "What? You got lower than Peter?!" Sirius gasped out.
"Shhh!" Remus hissed, face going red.
Peter leaned in. "Wow. Forty-two." He couldn't keep the happiness out of his tone that he hadn't gotten the lowest grade.
"At l-least it's passing," Remus mumbled, pushing the paper back in the folder. Barely.
"You're--but you're smart, that doesn't make sense," James said, adjusting his glasses.
Remus just shrugged. "Guess I just d-didn't do well that day."
Lily had been listening in to all of this and came over, her forehead rather winkled. "What happened? Can I see your test?"
"No, it's f-fine," he said. He knew if she looked she'd see most his answers were right--if not all of them--and that Dedenne had just arbitrarily marked his answers wrong to purposely lower his grade. "It's all r-right, I'll do better next time, and m-make up for it at the end of the year."
James flung his arm over Remus's shoulder. "Since we've got the afternoon free, wanna go have a snowball fight? Been wanting to have one for ages."
"Yes!" Peter exclaimed excitedly.
Remus tucked his papers into his bag. "Erm--"
"He just recovered being ill, he shouldn't strain himself," Lily said.
"Nobody asked you, Red," James snapped.
Lily folded her arms, glowering. "Excuse me for thinking you cared about your friend. My mistake!" She turned on her heels and huffed off with Colgate and Inkwood.
James stuck his tongue after her then turned anxiously to Remus. "Okay, um, well, I did kinda forget already you might not be up to something like that. We can have the snowball fight tomorrow. Since we don't have Flying anymore." He said this with great annoyance even though he hadn't really been able to join many of the lessons. "Oh, Remy, guess what? I'm definitely getting a new broom this summer! Whatever broom I want!"
"Congratulations," Remus said with a smile.
"You guys can try it out too," he said rather magnanimously. Remus tried not to snort though Peter was slack-jawed at the thought of being able to try out a top of the line brand new model broom.
They went up to their dorm to get scarves, hats, and gloves to go outside anyway. They built a snowman and then Remus sat on a rock while the others took turn sledding on a shield that James nicked from one of the suits of armor. He reached up, touching the spot on his cheek where his dad hit him the previous week, not caring that he'd get worse if they knew about this. He'd just have to work hard at them not finding out he had friends. He'd be able to manage, and was determined to do so because he liked them, liked their company, and it made him feel good knowing they seemed to like spending time around him. He liked how it made him feel. More human.
Remus laughed with James and Sirius when Peter crashed into a snowbank and got stuck; he got off the rock, running over with them, helping pull Peter out and then dug around to find Peter's lost hat.